Here you! aye you..ye been uptae? did ye get yersell along tae that ICW last night? widdye mean naw? ye fuckin stupit?
If you didnae that was a huge mistake. Monumental.
Brain melting goodness. At a temperature that seemed to be meltin every other fuckin thing anaw.
The night begins as it always does, with a wee intro from our commentators Sean David and Billy Kirkwood. I'll tell ye this, I actually missed Kirkwoods wee bit before the last show, and considering I couldnae really go the cunt for the first few shows I went tae, thats quite the turnaround. Tae paraphrase some of his material, like vaginal warts, he's grown on me somethin fierce. He spends the first 2 minutes with his dick thurst in the ring announcer's face, before reeling out a wee 5 minute set of vulgairty. Its gid stuff.
Wolfgang vs Christopher vs Christopher Saint vs Solar
Wolfy issues a challenge, but before he can tell us whit that might entail, he's interrupted by the teen sensation Christopher. Murmurs of "it better no be this cunt" go around the Garage but dinnae worry, it wisnae just Christopher. Chris Saint comes oot and announces he's the head of security usually but also (twist coming up guys, make sure ye've stretched adequately) A TRAINED WRASSLER!!!!! Know who else is a trained wrassler, and a fuckin great one at that...Solar. Must be 9 stone if he's that, but the boy is pure talent, so we aw thank our lucky stars when he comes oot. Listen but, they aw done their bit. This was a very entertaining wee bout, and involved a 4 man superplex, so whit could be better? Wolfgang of course prevails, and announces that the challenge he was gonnae make was to Mikey Whiplash for the ICW Belt.
Chris Renfrew vs Jack Jester (Tables Match ..winner faces Sabu at Daves Not Here Man)
I was a wee touch dissapointed with this. It wasnt pish..far from it, but it really just served as a wee promo for Jester vs Sabu. It started with the NAK knocking the shite out of Jester before the match started, openly bending the "no NAK at ringside" rule because the match hadn't started yet, but really that served nae purpose. Jester still won with a fuckin beezer of an elbow drop from the announce desk on to Renfrew as he lay spark out on a table. Renfrew had gone through a table earlier anaw, but it was of his own accord and it had to happen via an "offensive" move so that didnae count. After the match, Jester cuts a long promo on Sabu, whilst threatening tae set Renfrew on fire.
The Coffeys vs Fight Club
You'll be hard pushed to see a better tag match than this anywhere. I mean there was a slightly better one later on the card like, but the belts give these matches added significance. In terms of just a tag match on a wrestling card, with little or no future significance to the division(assuming fight club will split eventually and feud against each other) it was an absolute fuckin thriller. The pace was frenetic at times, and it ended up with all four in the ring just fucking killing it. There was a reluctance in Fight Clubs teamwork, such is the tension between the boys these days, and that reluctance led to a misunderstanding leading to The Coffeys picking up the win. Just a wee sidenote btw, Mark Coffey looks fuckin immense since returning from Japan. He's really refined his already stellar work.
At the end, that head of security fella is reeled out and revealed to be the newest member of the Save Pro Wrestling movement. I dunno if he's their official whipping boy or whitever cause he got slapped about a bit. I like where this stable is headed though, gives Joe Coffey the chance to be the mouthpiece for it and that suits him down to a tee. Character wise he's selling it in a very similar way to CM punk with the Straight Edge Society.
Grado vs Mikey Whiplash (ICW Title match)
Nae disrespect tae Polo vs Dallas btw. It was a hugely entertaining end to the night, but this was the main event. Absolutely no fuckin question about it. I don't think I could adequately explain tae ye just how much this had me captivated. There isnae enough words for it, but I'll ge it a go eh. I always gibber on about good wrestling matches tellin ye stories, aw the best ones do, ye can have the maist technically proficient match on the planet but if ye don't tell me a gid story, I'm no gonnae be interested. This told a story. The perfect story.
It started off with a bit of fun, most of Grados matches do. I felt the pace was a bit slow for the first 2-3 minutes and wisnae sure if it could pick up, but it did. It did wae liberty bells on.
Grado has improved quite a startling amount as a wrestler over the past year. That's no tae say he was shite before, or his work didnae make sense, aw I mean is he's expanded on something that wis already special. He had the charisma, had in ring work that interested ye, but he's added wee moves to his repertoire with every show. Who else dae ye know that isnae called Brock Lesnar who hits an F5? Exactly mate. The match did indeed pick up, and being the wrestling machine that he is, Whippy began to take over. Something strange was afoot but. Whiplash fuckin brutalised Grado in their previous meetings and done so with glee, but this time his new nice guy persona meant he was haudin back a bit, allowing Grado to rip the piss. It eventually led to Grado gettin sick of the niceties and slappin Whippy, and that wis a mistake right there. Whippy briefly snapped back intae dangerzone Wippy, and carried out a brutal assault on Grado's jaw, culminating in a fuckin topper of a suicide dive. Then a second one, and then a fuckin third one.
They got back intae the ring eventually, and the final chapter of the story began. Rock bottom from Grado...Whippy kicked out. Roll n slice...Whippy kicked out again. Fuckin F5! and just when everyone thought the belt had changed hands, Whippy got a foot under the ropes. Grado got a bit greedy but, and decided to reel out his wee party piece from their first match at F n L 5, it was rainbow tastin time! Like aw great hero stories, there has to be the odd tragedy along the way, and Grados came via a backslide, the simplest finish to the most complexed of matches. Whippy retains. A gentlemanly handshake followed between the pair. I dunno if they're pals in real life, but they really should be. Wrestling wise, their chemistry is fuckin aff the scale, if that's no best pal material I dunno what is. This wasn't the best match I've ever seen, but I'll tell ye the now, its my new favourite. it was just that fuckin good to watch. The perfect blend of great wrestling, and two characters telling you an enchanting story. Fuckin magnificent.
Whippy also gets on the mic at the end and accepts Wolfys challenge for
the ICW belt at Daves Not Here man, I'm at hauf mast for this shit.
Should be beautiful.
Jimmy Havoc vs Bt Gunn (thumbtacks and kickpads match)
Brutal. That's the only word to describe this. Not brutal cause it was a spotfest, just brutal because the cunts kicked each others teeth out for a solid 10 minutes. I wasn't sure what to expect from this match, but I reckoned it would be MOTN, it wasnt but after Whippy v Grado, nothing was going to live up. It was still excellent though. Of all the outcomes. I'd say BT Gunn winning was the one I was most sure about, so It was a big fuckin shock to see Havoc win, especially since most of the match was basically a handicap match as that wee Divers prick widnae leave it alone. Havoc dd win though, and will go on to face Rhyno at Fear and Loathing 6. A wee melee ensued afterwards, as the NAK decided tae leather Havoc for having the audacity to win. The Buckys, Wolfgang and Grado came out tae make the save but, and it all ended in everyone having a shot each at jabbin Renfrew. Never a bad thing that.
James Scott vs Mark Andrews
It didnae officially happen, but James Scott is a face now. Get yer "I'm a James Scott guy" t-shirts printed up, and make sure they say "WINNAR!" on the back eh. I'll take one in every size available just incase I need tae deal wae any rapid weight gain/loss. He's over as fuck right now and it's well deserved, his work has always been great but something about the character has just clicked lately. This was a brilliant match. Had the crowd in the palm of their hands so they did, and it was my first time seeing Mark Andrews, so it's not like the whole crowd was invested in their rivalry or whatever. They made that happen with the quality of the match alone. Joyous stuff. Also during this match, there was a johnny baloon floating about, and I'll proudly tell ye I grabbed it and stood on the fuckin thing. See if yer at this amazing wrestling show and yer spending time watching for a blown up fuckin johnny coming in your direction, ye can get tae fuck. Nae offence. I got "heel turn" chanted at me, but I've always been a fuckin heel, so it was watur aff a ducks back tae me. James Scott got the win and after this, hopefully a main event push.
The Bucky Boys vs The Sumerian Death Squad (ICW TAG TITLES MATCH)
Jesus fuckin christ. I was dumbfounded by how good The Coffeys v Fight Club tag match was, but this was just on another level. Dissapointing not to see the first 2-3 minutes of it as they brawled on the outside, but it was an absolute fuckin work of art once it got back intae the ring. Tag wrestling is fuckin dead in America. A fuckin lifeless corpse. Know where the best tag wrestling in the world is? on yer doorstep pal. Its here in fuckin GLESGA,(and across europe of course, nae disrespect to the SDS) but for the most part its fuckin right here waitin for ye. I'll throw a wee negative in here, cause I hated the finish. The SDS make it clear that they want to wrestle the match under traditional rules, and they wind up losing by DQ cause Tommy End took a chair to Davie/Stevie (I cannae mind which one, sawry) Finish just didnae make sense to me, but it didnae detract from what was a thriller of a match, and the rivalry continues as the SDS kindapped The Wee Man afterwards. TLC match at Dave's Not Here would suit me fine. Even just a ladder match. Fuck it, even just a match like that one would be fine with me. I just need tae see more fae these teams.
Mark Dallas vs Jackie Polo (If Polo wins he owns ICW)
I had my fuckin "smark" know it all wrestlin heid on before this, and I'll no lie, I wisnae happy that it was the main event. I thought it was a bit cheap, and shouldn't have been the centerpiece of what was a perfect wrestling show, but I'll happily admit to being very wrong here, cause this was a fuckin riot. Jackie Polo is an artist mate. A fuckin master of his craft. On the mic, there is no one better in Scotland (Red Lightning is fantastic anaw, but for me Polo has more range, Red cuts strictly heel promos for the most part) The match begins with a fuckin bombshell but, as before they can even get intae it a hooded man delivers a rock bottom to Polo, and that man is fuckin LIONHEART.Hearto appears to vanish intae thin air as dallas goes for the cover but Polo kicked out. The next 5-6 minutes was Jackie Polo creating magic before our very eyes. On the mic as he battled with Dallas through the crowd, in the ring as he fought off aw the hauners Dallas had called upon (includng a wee exchange with Whippy, I'd gie ye one of my kidneys to see those two go at it...even a lung if I could spare it, but mine are fucked) The battle rages on, before fuckin Sweeney comes oot and does the quickest heel/face/heel/face turn in wrestling history. Seemingly turning on Dallas and laying Whippy spark out with Jackies polo stick, only for him to use that same Polo stick on Jackie moments later, giving Dallas the win. It was always gonnae be a Dallas win somehow eh, but he cuts a wee heel promo at the end, so that was fun. Basically cawed us a aw a bunch of dicks for booing him recently, but I know he disnae mean it.How could he after aw the great memories we've shared?
Speaking of beautiful, I cannae mind exactly when, but it was announced that there would be a Bra n Panties match at Dave's Not Here Man between Leah Owens and Nikki Storm, and as a red blooded man with a dick that leans a wee bit tae the left, I'm aw left hand turns for that.
I fuckin loved that show. I'm no sure if it was palpable throughout the review, but if it wisnae it really should have been. As of today I have a new favourite wrestling event, and a new favourite match in Whiplash vs Grado. A fucking outstanding night and I gie it a hearty 10 outta 10. Lovely.
No comments:
Post a Comment