Year ending PPVs have a duty to at least try tae bring some closure to the casual fan. Someone who might not tune in again tae the Rumble, or even Mania. TLC done the job in that regard, the closure it brought jist happened tae create a void in my troubled soul, which I've spent most of today stuffing wae chocolate bars and poems that don't rhyme. I'm hurtin meht, and you should be anaw.
See up until its climax but? TLC wis fuckin gid. Matches I expected little fae turned oot braw, matches I expected a lot from delivered, and matches that wurnae previously on the card got treated wae the disrespect they deserved. Fuckin R-Truth vs Broadus Clay on a PPV, are these cunts contractually obliged tae gie ye a long enough windae for a mid show wank or suhin? I didnae utilise this windae for those reasons personally, instead I used the time wasted on that match tae stretch adequately, so I didnae pull a muscle when I fly kicked the tele as soon as Kofi vs Miz started.
Might aswell review the wrasslin then eh? fuck aw better tae be daein wae mysell, so here we go!
Dolph Ziggler vs Fandango (Pre-Show)
Cannae be bothered seeking this out tae re-watch it, so I'll gie ye whit I can remember. A predictably braw match between two horrendously underutilised talents. Dolph with the chest, erse and hair glistening oh so wonderfully. Fandango with the chest, erse and hair glistening oh so wonderfully. Summer Rae wis lookin nb anaw I spose. Fame-asser. Big Leg drop fae the tap rope which Dolph sold like his neck with pit in a guillotine and Fandango's leg wis given the fateful task of decapitating the poor cunt. Game, set and match. This being on the pre-show and Broadus Clay officially turning heel being on the main card can fuckin GET TAE FUCK.
Broadus Clay turns heel btw, spoiler a-fuckin-lert.
CM Punk vs The Shield
CM Punk isn't a professional wrestler. CM Punk isnae a fuckin sports entertainer either. CM Punk is also not a mere mortal. CM Punk is a professional storyteller. On that mic, in the ring, walkin the streets, makin a piece n jam. Disnae matter whit he's daein, CM Punk is telling ye a story. That's why I wis convinced this match wis gonnae be brilliant, cause The Shield have worked some excellent 3 on 1 handicap matches with folk who aren't even in the same stratosphere as Punk when it comes tae storytelling (sorry Dolph meht) so of course this wis gonnae be a sight to behold.
It starts off wae Punk playing a bit of cheeky buggers, n getting yer Shield boays tae chase him aboot. When the wrasslin starts, Punk drives some shoulders and elbows intae Rollins, before hitting yon neckbreaker, then another yin, and a third without skippin a fuckin beat. Then trouble appeared. A big Samoan shaped spearing machine cried Roman Reigns. The big yin launched Punk towards The Shields corner. All 3 of the boayzies get a shot of leathering Punk, Ambrose in particular providing a doing that wis pleasing tae aw the senses.
Punk rallies a bit, then gets his heid tore af his shooders wae a huge lariat fae big Reigns. Punks dwelling near the announce table, n looks like he's about tae catch a spear, but the bold yin moves oot the road and sends Reigns flyin over the table wae much authority. Much pain for Reigns. Reigns is close tae getting counted oot, but he drags his limp body back intae the ring and fisticuffs ensue. Reigns manages tae stumble over to the corner, n get Rollins in, but yer man is nearly on the receiving end of a GTS right away, before Ambrose intervenes, gien Rollins enough time deliver a stoater of a kick tae Punks heid.
With Reigns down and out, Punk knocks Ambrose aff the apron and that seemingly leaves him one on one wae Rollins. Big kick tae the melt gets him a near fall, before he strings together some double axe handles, and a wee heel kick, and then that braw swinging neckbreaker that is so often mistimed by his opponents, but Rollins always seems tae time it just right. Punk goes up for the Flying Elbow, but Rollins got up so he got crossbodied instead. Anaconda Vice is locked in next but Ambrose disnae allow that madness tae continue for long. Ambrose takes Punk up top, and Punk looks oot the game, but he somehow summons up enough energy tae heider Deano tae he faws doon.
Then a finish that wis so pretty, I wanted tae repeatedly smudge rid lipstick oan its face while I pumped it front of a bathroom mirror...I mean eh...suhin. Punk hits Rollins wae a GTS first, before getting Ambrose up for the same move, only for Ambrose tae squirm oot, and Roman Reigns tae jump oota naewhere and accidentally spear him clean oot his boots when he was gaun for Punk. Wae a broad smile on his melt, Punk covers Ambrose for the win. Jist as good as I thought it wid be so it wis, and perhaps I'm wrang about it being too soon for Reignsy tae turn face. It seems tae be heading that way.
AJ Lee vs Nataya (Divas Title Match)
This was a thing of beauty in so many ways. For me it wis the second best match of the night btw. Only bested by DBry vs The Wyatts, cause of the storytelling mate. It astounds me that not everyone is intae whit AJ Lee does, because she's been on fire as a character for months now, and given the right opponent, in the right setting she can work a fuckin beautiful match. Nattie is that right opponent and the result here wis jist fuckin......I don't even huv the wo.....whit?
Side headlock takedown, and a wee bitta armbar action fae Nattie kicks us off, then a wee snapmare closely followed by a dropkick. Tamina sticks her beautiful big nose in it, and AJ tries tae hit a baseball slide aff the distraction but Nattie caught her and send her fleein intae the barriers. Back in the ring AJ stomps Nattie out in the corner. Nattie hits yer Northern Lights Suplex, followed by a Snap Suplex and a Sitout Slam and it looks like the title change everyone expected tae happen wis about tae occur. Of course the Sharpshooter is locked in next, but AJ fights ootae that, before locking in yon Black Widow outta naewhere, but Nattie isnae yer average daft Diva, n she fights out of it. Fuckin gid tae see that Black Widow hing actually countered, I've always thought it looked pish. Natty gets up, and channels her inner Joe Coffey when she gets a beauty of a spinning lariat before gien it that wide eyed stare of someone who knows they're about to win a belt. Sharpshooter is locked in and....but wait, it wisnae fuckin locked in ataw, AJ pulls Natties hair and rolls her up for a quick pin. As content as I would have been with ma wee Nattie taking the belt, I loved the finish here and AJ is the only relevant divas champion there's been in the past 5 year that isnae called Beth Pheonix. Loved this match hunners n millions so I did. If you didnae then yer probably a racist or something. I dunno whit else tae tell ye brother.
Big E Langston vs Damien Sandow (IC Title Match)
Smashin match. I'm still no entirely sure why Damien Sandow isnae further up the card. I dunno why they gave him the MITB briefcase and had him lose every match he wis in for whit felt like aboot 6 months. I can only tell ye whit I dae know, and that's that Damien Sandow is the da. He's no ma da, but he's your da, n yer best pals da, n yer maws da. He's jist the da. Big E is pretty fuckin da-ish himself right enough, n the boays waste nae time in trying tae hit their finishers, but both the Big Ending and You're Welcome are blocked. Sandow sends Big E fleein intae a pole on the outside, before landing that elbow wae an extra helping of disdain. Fuckin aw the disdain ye could stomach withoot warmin up yer belly wae crisps aforehand. Big shoulder barge in the corner fae Big E is followed by a beaut of a dropkick fae Sandow, before ma mainest man Big E hits a fuckin Electric Chair of aw the things. Always been intae that move, and I'm intae Big E and his dids mare than aw the things, so I shot a wee load err it. Big lariat and a belly tae belly, with followed by a Big Splash, but Sandow counters the second attempt at the Big Ending. Another You're Welcome attempt is reversed intae a Big Ending attempt, which wis reversed intae a rollup and cunts were daein a lot of fuckin reversals basically. Nae reversals are possible once Big E pulls the straps doon and lets they wee nips oot for the world to behold, and with the dids on display, Big E finally gets the job done wae his third attempt at the Big Ending. Nuhin much else tae be sayin about that really, it wis fuckin braw.
The Rhodes Brerrs vs Rybaxel vs The Real Americans vs Rey n Show (Elimination match for the WWE Tag Titles)
Ryback is in wae Cody tae kick things off, and I may be paraphrasing here, but I'm pretty sure he challenges Goldy tae "mix it up with the big guy!" They mix it briefly, before Goldy gets in wae Axel next n hits an unspeakably braw dropkick. Coupla big rib shattering slaps tae Axels daft chest fae yer Big Show, then a third yin that sent his spleen fleein clean oot his probably square arsehole. Ryback gets in there wae Goldy and catches some jabs, followed by a spinebuster. Ryback goes for a powerbomb but Goldy rolls oot and rolls square dids up for the 3 count. Oot yees go Rybaxel. Nae belts for you the day.
With the threat of they two wankstains taking the belts eliminated, we can aw sit back n relax. Even if Rey n Show were tae take the belts, ye assume they'd be transitional champs so its nae big deal meht. A big clothesline fae Swagger that just aboot took Goldy oot his boots announced The Real Americans arrival in this match. They get Goldy isolated, cauld and feart, before he fought oot the corner wae some big rights. Cesaro stops that wee rally in its tracks wae a brain meltingly gid gutwrench suplex, before Swaggerless chokes Goldy oot on the ropes. Goldust gets close tae the tag, but Swagger pulls him away, only for Goldy tae erupt oo the corner wae the back elbow. Cesaro gets in and once again stops Goldy ettin the tag, before gien the poor bastard some swings. Only 4 or 5 of them but, cause ye've got tae respect the Gold. Yon double team leapfrog intae the double foot stomp fae Cesaro followed, and it looks like we're gonnae be due new champs as Goldys fading by the minute. He eventually gets tae the corner, but Sleekit Swagger pulls Cody aff the apron n he cannae get the tag. He gets over that mild disappointment fairly quick when he only goes n hits a fuckin Hurricanrana on Cesaro. Cunts 44 years of age and hes bustin oot ranas, wid bring a tear tae a gless eye so it wid. Goldy hits a powerslam and decides he needs oot that ring quicksharp, so he tags in Show. The big yin knocks Swagger clean oot, before catching Cesaro comin aff the ropes wae a knockout punch anaw and that wis it fur the Real Americans.
Then something really fuckin...nice, happened. Incredibly stupid, but still nice. With Goldust struggling in the corner, Show approaches tae make sure hes awrite, n then he actually helps him tae his feet. I ken yer a face n that big yin, but you n gommy knees huv a coupla belts tae win.
When the wrasslin starts back up again, Goldust amazingly manages tae take Show aff his feet wae a crossbody. Shows chokeslam attempt is reversed intae a DDT, afore Cody gets in and tries yon disaster kick but Show slapped him stupid.
Then wee Rey got in, and as much as I respect the wee man, I'm bored ae it. Seated Senton, 619. some kicks. Cody hits the disaster kick but Rey kicks oot and sets up for the 619. He gets both Cody and Goldy set up for it, but Cody rolls oot n he hits Goldy instead. Rey gets a near fall on Cody back in the ring, before Cody goes for the Cross Rhodes, only fur Rey tae reverse intae a 619 attempt. It looks like its about tae land, but Cody catches Reys broken wee legs, and hits the Cross Rhodes at the second attempt. Rhodezies retain.
Cracker of a match, a lot better than I expected considering the presence of Rybaxel, so nae arguments fae me aboot the outcome. I still expect The Rhodezies tae drap the belts soon and get intae a singles feud, but if ye ask me, the boayz that should be getting them are yer Usos. Widnae be surprised tae see them take the belts at the Rumble, and that gies Cody n Goldy a high profile event tae split up at. Aye that wid be most good. Lets dae that, and then lets roast some marshamallas over an open fire and chat about how braw it wis.
Broadus Clay vs R-Truth
So much of this kin get tae fuck. Firstly, after weeks of him batterin Xavier Woods for nae real reason, why does Broadus eventually huv his full heel turn against I(R)relevant-Truth? Secondly, why the fuck did Tensai abandon him cause he wis dominating the match? well he intervenes when Broadus is daein whit hes supposed tae be daein, and knockin the shite oota Truth, before Broadus blurts oot "I'm better than you!" leading tae Tensai being the huffy wee cherub n getting himself oota there. Then the Funkadactyls kinda wandered away, Truth uses the distraction tae scud Broady in one of his chins, and picks up the win. Broadus Clay has nae pals, and I have nae fuckin idea why this wis squeezed on tae the main card. Lawd have mercy.
The Miz vs Kofi Kingston
This anaw. I realise The Miz has a Christmas film oot, n they want tae keep his name somewhat relevant but yer daein that at the expense of putting on gid wrestling shows, cause his fuckin coupon puts a dampener on....everythin. It puts a dampener on life.. See if they employed Arnie and the Christmas film they were trying tae plug wis Jingle Aw The Way 2, then im fine wae it. I'd love nuhin merr than tae see big Arnie stick his thumb in Kofis eye, while the wee boy who played his son in the first yin distracts the ref by makin a replica of Danny Dyer oota balloons, but that's no whit went down ataw. Instead Kofi and Miz worked the same fairly entertaining but ultimately futile match they huv been for the past month, and Kofi won wae Trouble In Paradise. Best part of this whole feud has been Booker Ts daft coupon when he wis trying tae split the boayz up during their wee pre-show brawl. He could tell he wis well informed aboot whit wis gonnae go down, n had been practicing his "daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!" face in the mirror. Whit a fuckin man.
Daniel Bryan vs The Wyatt Family
This match, and everythin it represents is why I'll always look back on 2013 as a braw year for WWE, cause even when ye take into consideration some of the erratic booking, and burial of guys who deserve so much more, this wis story-telling and in-ring psychology at its finest. This wis Bray Wyatt letting anyone who didnae quite buy intae what he's all about know, that he's gonnae be a big deal. He's gonnae be a guy who can main event ppvs and naecunt will ever utter the words "fuckin Bray in the main event again?" Cause it can never get auld. No when his character has such depth, and his work continues tae feel fresh, even if he's doing similar stuff. Him and Dean Ambrose have the potential tae carry this company for the next 10 years or more, if they have the faith put in them that they need, and colour me optimistic, but I think it'll happen. Cesaro anaw, basically a timeshare between they 3, Daniel Bryan and CM Punk, involving aw the belts and Natalya Neidhardt. Lets make it happen.
Bryan starts this aff wae Rowan, and as usual he works wae him brilliantly. Rowan is the only one of The Wyatts I still have my doubts about, but when ye put him in there wae Bryan, he looks like a real wrassler as opposed tae a glaikit plank ah wid wae a magnificent beard. Harper gets in and gets kicked in the chest a lot, but before Bryan can even wind up for the big roundhouse, Harper knocks him aw the way tae Boxing Day with a big right haun. Rowan gets back in and lands the poor lad right on his spine wae a coupla scoop slams, cause if there's one move Erick Rowan is extremely proficient in, its the scoop slam. He be scoopin, and slammin aw the cunts. All day. Harper lands a braw sitout powerbomb after Rowan had flung Bryan aboot 40 feet in the air and drove him face first intae the mat. Sare dunts aw roon.
This was all fairly standard stuff so far, and then Bray got in, and redefined whit the word "standard" means. He screams at oor DBry about how the boayzies "coulda been pals, but instead now I'm gonnae run intae ye wae a big clothesline in the corner at a speed that science dictates a man my size shouldnae be able tae reach" Bray Wyatt is proof that ye can be kinda fat, but as long as yer broad shoodered, bearded and deceptively quick, ye'll huv wee durties queuing up for a shot of the magic stick.
Knees, jabs and heidbutts in the corner followed by a suplex throw which I'm fairly certain briefly killed Daniel Bryan. Killed uhm stone deid. Then Bray put any concerns of him being injured tae bed by doing that fuckin crab walk hing for a gid 20 seconds, providing me with my first ever fearful stauner. Imagine having an erection that isnae quite sure why its erect, the uncertainty wis almost overwhelming. I re-composed mysell but, and continued watching the match. I re-joined it tae Harper daein the gator roll, before Bray gets back in, and gets super shouty once more. This time he offers Bryan a chance at redemption, take my hand Daniel and this can all go away, we can bring this place to its knees together! but Danny once again refuses. Kicks his haun, so Bray comes fleein aff the ropes only to be met with some Daniel Bryan offense! he only gets a few jabs in and Brays knocked him tae the ground wae a big elbow. Big Harper gets his back in, and gets in amongst it wae a powerbomb, followed by a big boot which DBry ducked, and all of a sudden we get a flurry of gidness fae The Beard that makes ye think he might actually fuckin dae the business here. Dropkicks send Bray and Rowan aff the apron, and another yin shatters a few of Harpers ribs as hes stuck in the corner, before Bryan hoists the big lump up tae the top rope for a backdrop. The crowd erupts wae YES! chants, and Harper is subjected tae yon chest kicks, then the big roundhouse, and finally the flying headbutt.
Rowan breaks the pin attempt, so he gets tangled up in the ropes for his troubles and kicked daft. On the other side of the ring, Harpers tagged Bray in, but DBry spots it and knees Bray in the chops, afore sending Harper and Rowan flying oot towards the announce table. A rollup attempt on Bray brings a 2 count, before the boayzies run the ropes, and DBry does that braw wee spot where he ducks some kind of attempt tae decapitate him, before hitting a suicide dive on some poor unsuspecting cunt on the outside. That cunt wis Luke Harper, and the suicide dive sent him flying intae Mikey Coles cupasoup, but that wis tae be the last highlight for our wee Daniel.
A missile dropkick is followed by a blocked YES! lock attempt, and Bray picks Bryan up for the most emphatic of aw the Sister Abigails tae date so far. Job done. Bray cradles Bryan afterwards like a newborn, wae his eyes almost apologetic. The devil made him do it.
John Cena vs Blandy Nae-eyes Rapeyface Snoreton (TLC World Title Unification Match)
I dunno if anycunt reads these reviews as opposed tae watching the show, and I always bear that in mind n try tae paint ye a wee picture of how the match went afore gien away the finish, but I cannae dae that here. Well I could, but I refuse, cause the finish tae this fuckin killed me deid. Admittedly I did get the type of finish I wis after, as there wisnae any uncertainty involved in it, but dae ye know whit fuckin wis involved? Blandy Snoreton and his oily melt becoming the undisputed world champion. Berty Naebelts couldnae even get on the card and hes one of the best wrestlers in the company, but Orton leaves wae aw the belts. Fuckin get that tae fuck, and never stop getting it tae fuck, and when it reaches fuck, set it on fuckin fire and kick it aff the end of fuck so it tumbles intae the fiery abyss. This match wis enjoyable btw, I advise ye tae watch it if ye want any specifics but, cause aw I'm reviewing is how it ended and the fact that cunts got scudded wae weapons a lot. Here we go.
Basicsally, cunts got scudded wae Tables, Ladders and Chairs a fair bit (LIKE THE NAME OF THE PPV! OMG, I JUST GOT THAT!!) and also steel steps. There wis various spots involving these weapons, some of which looked really sare, one of them wis an AA through the announce table, that wis awrite I spose, there wis a spear through a normal table anaw. Then Orton handcuffed Super Cena tae the turnbuckle n scudded him wae ladder a lot, before the cunt actually pulled the fuckin turnbuckle aff, much tae my personal relief cause that meant that he wis probably gonnae still win. The lesser of two ultimately very evil outcomes. But naw. Snoreton sends him flyin and Cena lands wae his heid perched next tae a table. Orton considers climbing aff the ladder n punting Cenas heid through the table, but common sense prevails as he reaches up, grabs baith belts and that's fuckin IT. There wis still 12 minutes left n aw that happened after that wis Vince, Steph n The Beak comin oot n congratulating the cunt. Get tae fuck.
7 spike piledrivers oota 10 for the brawness that occurred before the main event. Could easily have been a lot higher if there wisnae 2 Smackdown matches in the middle, and an ending that filled me wae nuhin but dejection. An ending which lacked in hustle, loyalty or respect.
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