Fuckin...fuck this unification pish man. Not only has it shat aw err my growing John Cena appreciation, but its killed off any forlorn hopes that the Big Show entering the title picture was just a wee break fae Daniel Bryans relentless and beautiful pursuit of the gold. It wisnae, its permanent, we're back tae square one. Back tae Cena winning aw the belts....aw the time. Back tae Orton having promo time every week. Back tae having tae watch these two bawbags trying tae squeeze a passable match out of each other. Back tae life. Back tae reality.
Fuckin......fuck this unification pish man.
But listen, rampant cynicism and bootin fuck oot ma tele can wait, cause CM Punk opened RAW this week. CM Punk is very very good at aw the things.
He has a theory as to why Roman Reigns haufed him in two the week before. He thinks its because he dared tae slag Triple Hs hare-brained booking, and Triple H set the hounds on him. Punk declares that it wid be daft for Triple H tae kick the hornets nest, and in this case the hornets nest is a metaphor for Punks baws I think. He caws the Authority sorry sunsa bitches, and out comes Steph tae wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. She introduces Bawless Kane, who rhymes aff some technical jargon about his job, before Punk asks him where his baws went. Punk asks him if he fancies getting knocked out since he's already sold out? and oh boy, that was a thrill. A one liner tae end aw the one liners. He gies Kane a choice between getting knocked out or Punk making him go to sleep, which sounds lit a similar situation tae me tbh. Anyway aye, the point in the whole thing wis the announcement that The Shield will face CM Punk in a 3 on 1 handicap match at TLC. Actually more than awrite wae this, cause when Dolph faced The Shield in a 3 on 1 match, it wis near perfection. Punk will make them aw look like superstars, and no superstars the way Curt Hawkins is a superstar, I mean real fuckin superstars.
The Shield come oot n hit Punk wae some patter while he threatens tae fling a chair at them. No liking Punk talking shite aboot Trips but. If I had tae suffer through them working wae each other again, I'd light a million fires n bathe in them aw. Promo wise it wid be gid, but wrasslin wise...naw. Keep it.
Damien Sandow vs Dolph Ziggler
This wis a lovely match, but as is the case with most of the good shit happenin in WWE the noo, its aw happenin for the wrang reasons. Fuckin number one contenders match for the IC Belt? unless this is part of a long term strategy tae make the IC belt relevant again, this can get tae fuck. Both of these cunts should be at the top end of the card. Feuding wae each other for the WH Belt. Aw the belts in fact. Instead Sandow is stuck in mid card hell, and Dolph is pretty much a jobber tae the stars as things stand. Its no fair. Some strong knees tae the belly and a Russian leg sweep fae Sandow, is followed by the Elbow of Disdain. Dolph ducks a swinging neckbreaker attempt, which led tae the fameasser and a 2 count. That wid be Dolphs only notable moment in the match as yer Sandow hits You're Welcome for the win. Couldnae even enjoy that braw wee match fur aw it was, cause I wis too busy pacing up n doon ma hall gaun "fuckin IC belt, fuck sake" although I suppose if it means Big E n Sandow work a wee angle together, its no aw bad. Big E on commentary wis braw aswell, the charisma is seepin oot that boayz diddies so it is. He lactates charisma.
Summer Rae, Tamina and AJ vs The Smella Twins and Natalya
I enjoy everyone in this match that isnae a Smella twin, so it actually wisnae the worst thing I've seen. AJ skippin roon the ring for the whole match wis fairly amusing anaw, well no the whole match, but most of it, and when she did get tagged in, wee Natty rolled her up for the pin. We also saw a double dropkick fae the Smellas where Nikki missed her dropkick entirely cause they are so fuckin shite it makes me dizzy. Nattys win means she gets a shot at the AJs Divas belt at TLC. Probably the only singles Divas match I could think of right noo that belongs on a PPV card. Bet ye its a wee stoater. Bet ye.
Wade Barrett! No just any Wade Barrett, Wade Barrett in a suit jaiskit and a new gimmick! His new gimmick is Bad News Barrett, and if yer wondering what that is, its simply Wade Barrett staunin at a podium next tae the announcers desk and delivering some gid news, which is immediately followed by some BAAAAAAAAAAD NEWWWWWS. The gid news is that we're here for Monday Night RAW, and the bad news is that the everyone in Oklahoma is married tae the same guy. He impregnates aw the women, and the takes aw the dugs oot fur a walk at the same time.
Randy Orton staunin next tae Brad Maddox as he mops the flair wae wee puddle of sweat streamin oot his erse. They exchanged patter but when Randy Orton comes on screen these days aw I see is bronze. Aw my brain can comprehend is static. Fuck. Off.
Daniel Bryan vs Erick Rowan
See if ye ignore the reasons for a lot of things happenin, this wis actually a decent RAW so far. We had some CM Punk words, Ziggler vs Sandow, Big E on commentary, a divas match that wisnae a total assault on the senses and now this wee stoater. Erick Rowan is a limited big bastard, but decent aw the same, and DBry could work a gid match wae a sack ah totties. He spends much of the early part of this match kickin this ginger sack of totties in the legs, and trying various things tae take the big yin aff his feet. Tries tae get the YES! lock in but Rowans huvin nane of it. After stompin on wee DBry hunners, Rowan gets that stoatin big bearhug in and flings DBry aboot for a bit. Takes him outside and launches him intae some steps. Essentially the whole match Rowan trying his darndest tae break DBry in two, and DBry responding wae trying tae get the big bastard tae fuckin sit doon for a minute. Wee drop toehold sends Rowan face first intae the middle turnbuckle, but Rowan gets back on top almost instantly. Jist no huvin any of it neer hes no. No huvin an of that crossbody attempt either, as he catches yer DBry and sends him flying across the ring wae a fallaway slam.
Bryan has himsell a wee rally, and that wis awfa gid. Sent Rowan flying tae the outside after dodging a big splash attempt, and knocks his pal Harper aff the apron before hitting big Ginge wae a stoatin suicide dive. Bryan goes up top, but Rowan catches him wae the biggest of aw the boots and goes for a Gorilla Press, only fur Bryan tae turn it intae a rollup for the win. Cracker of a match, followed by the highlight of the evening......Lights out.
Bray wisnae at ringside, but he didnae need tae be. His presence filled the arena without his boady being there. He addresses Daniel Bryan, and he tells him his days are numbered. His dirty little feet are soiling the Authorties red carpet. Its fuckin spin chilling stuff, and it comes fae a man who comes fae the same gene pool as Bo Dallas. I know I've covered that at great length, but it still keeps me up at night man. How has I.R.S got by in life when he's got wan baw that produces geniuses, and another that produces soul crushing vermin. Its no right. Bray sees Daniel Bryan for what he really is. They don't. They see him as a circus clown. He cant survive on his own, but together? Daniel Bryan and The Wyatts will be unstoppable. A beardy brotherhood that looks out for its ain kind. Could ye think of anything better? and perhaps mare important, where dae I fuckin sign up?
Kane tells Daniel Bryan he'll face the Wyatts in a 3 on 1 handicap match at TLC. It honestly just occurred tae me that they were tag partners, that's how much I associate bawless Kane wae the gid Kane. I totally forgot they were tag partners. Get castrated Kane and his horrendous yes! chant so far tae fuck man.
R-Truth and Xavier Woods vs Tonnes of Funk
This makes nae sense tae me either. Xavier Woods being cried a rookie and him pinning Broadus Clay being billed as a big shock; dae these cunts hink we're fuckin daft? Im willing tae bet Broadus Clay has never main evented any show ever btw, so that "main event player" patter can bolt tae. Nae indies, nae developmental shows, he didnae even main event any of the freakshows he's been part of cause nae cunt hares aboot a hippo shaped human. Aye but, Xavier Woods pinned Broadus here wae a sloppy rollup (in fact it wis impressive that Xavier managed tae roll the tub of goo err, but Broadus sandbagged it tae fuck)and cunts spoke about it like it wis a shock. Jist naw.
Alberto Del Rio vs Sin Cara (but it wis Hunico)
So aye, it wisnae the real Sin Cara. Ye could tell that right away when he dived intae the ring and none of his vital organs imploded on impact. Ye could also tell it wis Hunico cause of the tattoo on his shoulder, and the fact that he wis a cohesive professional wrestler. I like Sin Cara btw, when hes on his game he can fuckin go, but he's the botchinest cunt of aw the botchy cunts, so it wis nice tae se somedy less suicidal playing him. Del Rio wis on the mic before it started and called Sin Cara a peasant, so HuniSin CaraCo (cause its Hunico pretending tae be Sin Cara...tee hee) decided tae exact some revenge bu ducking oot the way of Del Rios attempt tae kick him in the heid, before nailing a Senton fae the top rope tae pin Berty Naebelts clean. Must admit, as much as I despise Del Rios promo work, he's been one of the top performers wrasslin wise lately so I'm no a fan of this if it leads tae Berty being buried.
Dean Ambrose wae promo time. Dean Ambrose is the fuckin future of this company if they know whits good for them. Aw three of The Shield boayzies should have a huge part tae play in the future, but for me Dean Ambrose has aw the ingredients ye need. Aw that gid stuff. Liquidise it n rub it in on yer skin like lotion meht. Whit am I even on aboot ataw? aye Ambrose says CM Punk couldnae handle just him, never mind aw three of the Shield boayz, so he's nae chance in this handicap match. Get outta town!
The Shield vs The Rhodzies and Big Show
This wis fairly braw anaw. Again if ye strip it doon tae just wrasslin, and the Wyatts/Shield/Beardy Besties angle its a gid show, but aw this Authority patter, the unification patter, and not tae mention The Miz turning heel on a weekly basis is making the whole thing a drag. Show has a wee shot of Ambrose and Rollins, but he decides he needs a bit mare of a challenge in the form of a heft gid Samoan cunt, so he flings Rollins intae the corner tae tag Reigns in. They boays exchange big chest slaps, before Show sends Ambrose flying aff the top rope wae yon gorilla press. Rollins is overheard screamin PULL ON HIS BEARD fae the apron which is the maist hilarious patter of aw the patter. We finally see a Rhodes when Cody gets in and scuds mad Ambrose square on his mad jaw. Sends Rollins flying wae a back body drop anaw, and yer man Rollins sells it like he gut run err by a combine harvester. Cody has a wee spell of getting battered aff everycunt. Even Goldy gies him a wee dunt for a giggle (im jokes! he widnae dae that...no yet anyway)
Show gets back in and cuts aboot lit hes got led in his drawers, before Ambrose puts him oot his misery and sends him crashin tae the outside when he pulls the tap rope down. Show beats the 10 count, just in time for Rollins tae catch his daft slack jaw wae a flying knee.
After Show taking a gid wee doing, Goldust finally gets in and gets tae work on re-arranging Rollins' coupon. Uppercut fae the floor, is followed by the inverted atomic drop and a knee tae the jaw. Succession of jabs on the ropes for yer Rollins decides he's had enough n jumps oot, just in time for Goldy tae hit him wae a fuckin Hurricanrana aff the top rope! Goldust is lit fuckin Benjamin Button or suhin man, he's getting mare limber wae age. Spinebuster followed and we had a wee melee oan the outside that led tae Reigns spearing Big Show clean oot that hammock that he caws singlet. Cody goes up top and vies on everycunt, afore Goldy hits a superplex on Ambrose in the ring, forgetting yer man Rollins wis the legal man, and yer Rollins caught Goldy wae a cheeky wee rollup tae gie The Shield a well earned win. Whit a cracker of a match that wis. Even Show looked no bad for parts of it. Offt aye.
A wee flashback tae Orton scuddin Cena in the ribs wae a Kendo Stick aboot a hunner times back in 2009. If yer trying tae sell this match tae me by showing me John Cena in physical pain ye've misjudged yer audience mate. Cena for aw his flaws remains a gid man and a gid tim. Not a fan of this flashback ataw. Fuck yer unification.
There's a wee vote as tae whit the new unified belt should be called. One of the options didnae include the words "World" or "Heavyweight" anywhere and that's the obvious choice, cause WWE have treated the World Heavywieght Belt wae nuhin but contempt since they got their grubby mitts oan it. Its better deid than Del Rio huvin it every 9 months.
CM Punk getting wee Renee Youngs knickers soakin by singing "I Feel Pretty" in a beautiful falsetto, as he descirbes how happy he is tae be facing aw 3 members of The Shield. He's taking the cunts down. He's taking himself down. Everybody gets down.
Bad News Barrett tells everyone that cause they ate a lot of junk on Thanksgiving, they're aw sweaty and constipated. I fuckin buckled for this. Suhin about Wade Barrett gien me a status update on ma arteries that tickles me. This was very informative from Wade. Very much wrestling.
Ryback n Axel vs Miz n Kofi
So Rywank and Satchel got the jabber entrance. For some reason efter slappin each other aboot for the past few weeks, Miz and Kofi have settled their differences. No really but, cause efter Square Dids hits yon Shell Shock and pins Kofi, Miz scoops him up aff the matt n slaps him. Yer such a cheeky wee tweener int ye Miz? Take yersell tae fuck but eh, and take this rotten segment wae ye.
Mark Henry vs Fandango
This is jist...aye. Aye x 100000000. Fandango looked about as gid as ye could expect in there against a resurgent Mark Henry, but this wis the kinda fun wee segment RAWs been lacking lately. A gid wee laugh, and it made sense. Mark hus a wee strut, before scuddin Fandango in the corner and he hits him wae the Worlds Strongest Slam tae bring the match tae its end. The bold Henry then tries tae get Summer Rae in tae huv a wee jig wae him but she's no fur it. On the off chance ye read this Mark ma man, I'd huv a wee jig wae ye anytime ye like. Next time yer in Glesga, we'll cut intae that Catty n request AW the Fall Out Boy. Mibbe some Blink 182 anaw. A gid time.
The Real Americans vs The Prime Time Players
Zeb cuts a promo about how Titus must be a weirdo cause he spent most of last weeks Smackdown spewin on people. Tae be perfectly honest, he has a point does he not? That is some fuckin mental fetish shit right there, I mean I ken it wis jist spew, but whit if he wis peein on folk or suhin? that how R Kelly got the jail meht. Pack it in. Titus gets hurled oot the ring and looks like he's started tae feel sick again. Jack Swaggers got the antidote for that, and it wis pretty much Swagger running intae Titus at full speed, in the form of s clothesline. Swagger bomb is followe dby yon double team double dot stomp hing, where Cesaro launches himself by leapfrogging over Swagger. Cesaro re-activiates Titus' sare belly fur good by daein the spins on him again, and its whitey time. The whitey patter is just a tease but, Titus stumbles backwards toards his corner and finally tags Darren Young in. Some high octane madness fae Darren is followed by a braw Northern Lights Suplex on Cesaro, but he tries tae come aff the top rope and Cesaro knocks him clean oot wae an uppercut furra 3 count. Decent wee match and naecunt spewed so it gets pass marks fae this guy. Purely cause I am a tiny wee bit in love wae Antonio Cesaro.
Votes are in. The unified champ will be named the Undisputed World Champion. Pish name. Pish angle. Fuck yer unification.
The final segment of this weeks RAW wis Cena and Orton signing the contract for this Unification match and I'm no watchin it again. I don't care. Naebdy cares. If you're reading this right now and ye find yersell gien a fuck, yer prolly better never reading my shit again, cause as long as this angle exists, I will be treating it wae an abundance of contempt. Aw the fuckin contempt ye could ever imagine in yer whole life. Lots n lots! Unify my Size 12 nu-balances wae Ortons glaikit coupon and ye might have a Unification angle I gie a flying fuck aboot. Tell ye whit but, despite that patter I'm gonnae contradict it completely n say that Cena wis actually fuckin excellent on the mic. If it wis an angle that mattered I'd have petted ma Wullie oh so tenderly tae it, but it wisnae so the snake stayed in its basket meht. Cena then went on tae put the eye-less cunt through a coupla tables, hurling him through one set up in the corner, before putting him through another yin wae the AA. That's the thing Randall, see if ye punt somedys da in the heid, he's likely tae haud a wee grudge. Serves ye right ya clown ye!
I must admit, I didnae hate that segment wae the white hot rage I thought I wid, n I actually find mysell sittin here thinkin that maybe Cena will unify the belts and drop the unified belt tae Daniel Bryan afore Mania. Mibbe I'm havering, but it makes sense in my heid just now. Imagine the pop if Bryan beats Cena clean for a second time, only this time its tae become the Undisputed Champion? it wid blaw the fuckin roof aff of whitever arena he wid win it in. Probably willnae happen like, but whits life withoot hope?
Overall I wisnae left feelin sick at this weeks RAW, so that's no bad. Unification angle can take itself tae fuck for the most part, but for the Punk/Shield excellence, that brilliant Shield v Rhodzies n Show match, Mark Henry, Cesaro uppercuttin Darren Young tae Jupiter and DBry and The Wyatts working magic together, this RAWs gonnae get a pretty generous 7 tilt-o-whirl backbreakers oota 10.
Here's Mark Henry, wae a hastily drawn baldy heid and for some reason nae feet, I dunno where they went ataw.
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