I'll never fuckin tire of this shit. Never. Wrestling shows starting wae wrestling matches is my favourite hing oot and IT KEEPS FUCKIN HAPPENING. I ken its cause they seem tae want Unification patter tae close the show these days, but still. If yer show starts wae Daniel Bryan wrasslin cunts, then its a show I'm gonnae watch with much erections. A big canvas bag fulla stauners. Chuckin them aw err the camp. I love the way he works wae the two big lumps that urnae called "Bray" in The Wyatt Family anaw. Harper in particular, but he always brings the best oot in his big upside doon heided ginger pal anaw. A big bastardin bearhug fae Rowan, is countered wae a missile dropkick fae DBry as business sterted tae pick-up. We got chest kicks fae Bryan, followed by the big roundhouse tae the side of Rowans dome. The Harper jumped ontae the apron and caught a dropkick for his troubles, before DBry slips oot of a powerslam attempt, and runs the ropes, eventually hitting Harper wae a suicide dive. Mind altering brawness. He then pulls the bottom rope doon on Rowan and looks tae be gaun for the double suicide dive, but Bray trips him n that's game, set n match. Bryan wins by DQ. Had the feeling that wae Bray out there this wisnae gonnae end cleanly.
Bray settles back intae his seat, seemingly prepared tae watch his minions batter Bryan stupid, n use his beard as handlebars when they inevitably take him backstage tae ride uhm, but Danny turns the tables! Evades their attacks, before fleein tae the outside a knockin Bray right oot his chair wae a flyin knee! Mag-fuckin-ificent.
Goldust and Cody Rhodes vs The Real Americans
13 minutes intae the show and I'd already seen Daniel Bryan, The Wyatts, Goldust, Cody and Cesaro. Smackdown ya wee midden, yer spoilin me this week! Braw armdrag takedown fae Goldy on Cesaro. These boayz need tae huv a singles match asap btw. It wid jist work so it wid. Cody dodges the Swagger Bomb, and gets tae Goldy for a tag, before Goldy unleashes aw the classics. Uppercut tae the jaw, inverted atomic drop, and a wee spinebuster, but Cesaro gets a blind tag during the whole routine, and in comes the bold yin. Cesaro sends Goldust tae the outside, and near takes his beautiful gold heid aff wae a sbrutal clothesline, and when we get back fae the break, even Swagger's kickin poor Goldys cunt in. Cesaro gets in and gets tae uppecuttin, before sending Goldy in Swaggers direction for a topper for a belly to belly suplex. Goldust gies us a wee selling masterclass here, cause he manages tae fight back, but he looks totally fucked. Hits a wee shoulderblock aff the second rope, but even that's executed quite knackeredly. Gies him a wee opening for a tag, but he jist cannae move, he finally crawls tae the corner an Cody gets in there was Cesaro. Alabama Slam fae Cody is delivered BIG TYME, but Tony reaches the bottom rope afore the three count, then it aw went that usual way wee tag matches go these days. Fuckin frenetic action. Cesaro ducks the disaster kick and goes for the swings, but Goldy stops his wee brerr getting spun tae fuck, afore Cesaro send him fleein oot the ring, then gets caught wae a second attempt at the disaster kick. Swagger breaks up the pin attempt, and Cody sends them baith outside, afore hittin a springboard crossbody. He then goes up top lookin tae put yer Real Americans tae bed, but Swagger tickles his leg, and aff that distraction Cesaro his and unspeakably brilliant Uppercut fae the top rope tae gie The Real Americans a win over the tag champs. Looks like the boayzies will be comin up aff the belts soon, perhaps leading tae a feud between them leading tae a Wrestlemania match? we can only link airms, pull together our collective hopes and dreams and pray tae the big man upstairs that this shit goes down like that.
Theres wee promo bits throughout the show aboot Cena n Ortons match at TLC, jist letting yees know cause journalistic integrity n that, but I don't gie a fuck. I know they've baith won hunners of belts, n Orton punted Cenas da once. Big whoop. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY BOAYZIES?
Bad News Barrett time? startin tae properly love this new gimmick so I uhm, I popped hard when the crowd are getting unruly and he called for "Decorum please!" before delivering this weeks bad news. The bad news is that we're aw a bunch of losers, who are forced tae like vicariously through a winner like Bad News Barrett, which is the fairest point any human has ever made.
Mark Henry vs Damien Sandow
Big E on commentary anaw. This Smackdown is fuckin too gid. I cannae even deal wae how much I'm intae it. Mark Henry dumps Sandow on the outside, afore askin him is "that's all you got?" and eh...well it wis. He took the countout, whilst pointin tae Big E, signifying that he's no got the energy fur two cunts that could deadlift a Range Rover, so he'll save his energies fur Big E at TLC on Sunday. Big E sends Damo back intae the ring fur a big diddy hit aff Mark Anyway, before the intellectual saviour of the masses gets himself tae fuck. Big E chases efter him but we never did get tae see if he caught him. That'll keep me up the night so it will.
Tamina and AJ vs The Smellas
In too good a mood tae pay full attention tae the work of The Smellas, so I'll tell ye how it ended eh. Brie Smella tapped tae the Black Widow after some shenanigans that involved the Bellas stumbling aboot lookin steamin. Natty wis on commentary, and as she always diz, looked fuckin incredible. I want tae split a strawberry milkshake wae her, ehn I want tae paint her whilst we're baith partially clothed.
Jahnnnn Ceeeeeeeeena promo. His promo tae end RAW wis a belter, but I prefer it when he has someone tae interact wae in a promo. This is awrite for a solo wan though, some of his solo wans have been fuckin stinkin in the past. He gets intae aw that "street" patter, and says Orton has a glass jaw. Johnny Cena's gonnae tap that jaw. He says if Orton gets hit wae a chair, or gets pit through a table, that's him done. If it happens tae Cena HE GETS BACK UP! and he yammers on like that for a wee while longer. The champ is here. Etc etc. This wis Cena by numbers tbh, wisnae feelin it much ataw apart fae the glass jaw crack.
Rollins n Reigns vs The Usos
Cunts have spoke aboot feelin a bit fatigued wae these matches. Like they're being exposed tae too much of these top boayzies daein aw the gid wrasslin. To those people, I'd like tae offer them a coke, a smile and a cordial invitation tae shut the fuck up. A wee leapfrog fae Rollins is followed by an uppercut fae Jimmy or Jey, and while this happened, Dean Ambrose wis gien it patter on commentary about "not being fooled by our boyish good looks, we're not gonna show Punk any mercy" and hearing Dean Ambrose say "boyish good looks" gied me a visceral, almost orgasmic wee burst ah joy. Reigns gets tae leatherin his cousin, perhaps Jimmy, maybe Jey, does it really matter? it wis an Uso shaped man, and he wis in a chinlock. Then he got floored wae a clothesline, making it a fairly traumatic 20 second period for the boy. Rollins gets tagged in, and attempts a double team wae Reigns, but JeyMaybeJimmy kicks Reigns in the heid, sends Rollins flyin over the top rope, before planting his cousin on the dome wae a spike DDT. Uppercut fae Jimmy(might've been Jey, im no sure ;) ) afore he done yon move where he flings his opponent 10 mile in the air, n catches him wae the Samoan Drop. Then a whole lot of fuckin activity occurred that I struggled tae keep up wae, but the main hing ye should take fae this, is that Rollins gets majorly cheeky wae a wee CM Punk impression as he signals its time fur Jimmy or Jey tae go tae sleep, but instead of delivering a GTS, he sends an Uso right intae big Romans path for another vertebrae shatterer of a spear. Lights oot. Shield get the win. If that wisnae wonderful enough, there's CM Punk on the titantron!
CM Punk gies it the usual patter that gies ye aw they butterflies in yer stomach. if fails to give ye said butterflies yer dead inside. Should probably consult a medical professional about that. He talks about exposing The Shields weaknesses, and pretty much looks as menacing as a man can look while taping his hauns up. Ends it by urging us all to "Believe! in the best in the world!" I saw his face. Now I'm a believer.
Ryback vs Big Show
Properly gid episode of Smackdown this had been. Then this happened. This wis a lot better than I expected when it happened on RAW, but I cannae even begin tae explain how little I cared about it this time. Only happened tae set up a wee flurry of action at the end tae help build up the recently announced Fatal 4 Way match for the tag belts at TLC. Show pits Ryback tae bed wae a chokeslam, Axel gets fresh and gets 619'ed aff Rey then knocked clean oot by Show. I didnae care so hard, I went numb fae the waist doon briefly.
Ooft I didnae think we were getting storytime wae Bray this week! but there he is on the titantron. Screamin aboot how he's been such a fool tae put his neck on the line for Daniel Bryan. He's gonnae make him walk wae the reaper and leave this world behind. Mibbe Brays the reaper? who kens, it wis braw anyway. As much beauty as ye can cram intae a minute withoot pullin a diddy oot.
Kofi wis supposed tae wrestle Del Rio, but Miz attacked him fae behind and it never happened. Such a waste of fuckin time, it wis almost obscene. It made me think of when Sabu put himself through a table at ICW, purely cause it made me want tae put mysell through a fuckin table. So much. Such pain.
The show ended wae Orton trudging oot tae apologise tae The Authority fur knockin Steph oot. I loved the end of RAW cause it managed tae pull aw the potentially explosive elements of this TLC match intae one neat package but see when ye separate them? fuckin ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Triple H is there tae. I don't gie a flying fuck. The Daniel Bryan chants start again cause the fans fuckin DEMAND he returns tae the mountain top. best for business patter, n Trips ends it wae an open ended statement about him "knowing where their faith lies" see cause he didnae say a name, that means it could be Orton or Cena! haha SO FUCK
Loved the first hour and a half of Smackdown this week, but the last half hour wis the maist futile waist of anyones time in the prestigious history of time wasting. So fur that reason, this weeks Smackdown drops back tae a moderate 7 tiger suplexes oota 10.
Safety first. The team-work.
Kurt Angle eatin a cornetto.
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