The Show opens wae everycunt gathered on the stage again, because even when ye dae it 15 times in about 4 months, that patter never gets auld. They're out to congratulate Blandy on having two belts, and he cuts a promo where he tries tae sound intense but just sounds like he needs a shite. Cena interrupts by calling him an idiot and urges him tae take on Daniel Bryan. I got really excited n assumed it wis for the belts. Didnae click that it wisnae for a good hauf hour. Utter riddy. The match was made by Triple H though and it would indeed be Randy Orton vs Daniel Bryan in a non title match in the main event an it was fuckin immense tbh. But we'll get tae that efter.
The Rhodezies vs ReyShow
Pretty much the same exchange which ended the fatal 4 way at TLC, wae aw yer usual brawness fae Goldy, n Cody. Nae 'rana fae the gold yin this time though. Show wis also pretty fuckin decent and Rey done aw the usual Rey routine. Another clean loss for The Rhodes lehdz anaw, as Goldy hits Show wae an uppercut, and a flying forearm, before having his ddt attempt blocked and turned intae a chokeslam by the big yin. Then Rey climbed uhm and drapped the dime for the win. Once again Show n Rey help Goldy tae his feet, and kinda pity him, which makes me hink they might repeat this routine a few times, but eventually Goldy gets sick of the pity n starts batterin cunts. Namely his wee brerr. That's yer heel turn, settin up yer wrasslemania Brerr v Brerr encounter.
Bad News Barrett correctly cries us aw a bunch of lowlifes. Yesterday aw I ate wis 3 pot noodles, and 2 pieces n pringles, so I'm personally fittin that criteria tae perfection. So what? wanna fight about it?
Fandango vs Dolph Ziggler
This wisnae as good as their TLC pre-show match if ye ask me, but one thing that isnae in doubt is the chemistry these two handsome bastards huv. Fandango doges a baseball slide and sends Dolph beak first tae the deck wae a big clothesline. Then Dolph rolls through an attempt at...something fae Fandango, and rolls him up for the pin. Best ah 3 boayzies? Lets huv the decider on Smackdown, and lets make it a cheeky wee two outta three falls match eh! why no?
The Real Americans vs Big E and Mark Henry
This wisnae a bad RAW btw. Quite the opposite. Don't take my lack of attention tae detail as a damning verdict oan the quality of the show, I cannae be bothered is aw, but this was crackin. Big E an Cesaro showed some potential for an intriguing one on one feud, but I say that aboot anycunt that has the privilege of getting in the ring wae Cesaro. Big E launches Tony intae the right wae a hiptoss before planting him wae the back body drop. The tables are turned on the big yin and he's gaspin tae get the World Soundest Man tagged in, but Cesaro drags him away, and deadlifts him afore hitting the Gutwrench Suplex. Cesaro tries the swings on Henry, but Big E stops that wae a big diddy hit, before pulling doon the straps and hitting the Big Ending. Jack Swagger wis in this match tae btw, I apologise fur no mentionin but I've nae spare fucks tae give ye.
Broadus Clay comes oot wae Tensai tae go 2 on 2 wae The Rybaxel (that's whit im cawin them noo, addition of "The" tae make it abundantly clear that I see them as one single, personality free entity). They're draggin this fuckin heel turn out for another week, but thankfully it finally happened. Broadus jumps aff the apron when Tensai goes for a tag, n Ryback shellshocks him for the pin. Broadus comes in and keeps hittin his auld pal wae big splashes, until hauners fae R-Truth and Xavier Woods arrive. Broadus Clay is a heel now, and my frustration at how long its took tae dae it has manifested itsell physically intae a frozen shoulder. Ooyah.
CM Punk emerges for story time and he's joined by none other than Shawn Michaels, this wis lovely. Punk warns HBK that even though he kinda enjoyed getting superkicked aff him last week in a strange way, if he tries tae pull that shit again he's gonnae get kicked back. HBK says kicking Punk wis painful for him, but then he introduces The Shield and says that's painful anaw. I dunno why really, it wis a gid back and forth between the boayz, and it teases HBK vs Punk for Mania which would be unspeakably braw, but at the same time, I'm really confused as tae why it pained HBK tae introduce Punk to opponents that he already knew about. So aye...wrestling.
CM Punk and The Usos vs The Shield
Usual excellence between these guys. Rollins gets tossed up in the air and Samoan Drapped by an Uso. Reigns locks one of his cousins intae a vielike chinlock, then Pun double neckbreakered Ambrose and Rollins. Punk gets Ambrose up for the GTS, and hits it, but Reigns had made a blind tag and he speared the Punkster oot his kickpads fur the win. The Shield still gaun strong, tellt ye big Roman wisnae turning heel yet. Also when they escaped through the crowd, Ambrose gave Reigns a wee kiss, and that wis the single greatest moment of the year. Perhaps a candidate for the best thing that's ever happened to anyone.
Wee Titantron promo fae Bray. He speaks of Daniel Bryans cowardice. He speaks of holding Daniel Bryan ever so tenderly and offering to take the pain away. Daniel Bryan refused. He apologises for ever doubting Abigail. If Daniel Bryan refuses to walk with the reapers, he will burn with the saints. I dunno what that means, but by Christ I am excited aboot it.
The Smellas and Natalya vs Alicia Fox, Tamina and AJ
This was pretty fuckin gid considering it involved The Smellas. Particularly impressed by Alicia Foxx, who's been used poorly for years. She can at least go a wee but, but naecunt gies a fuck unfortunately. Tamina has aw the action worth talkin aboot really. Beautiful Samoan Drop, and after some shenanigans between AJ and Nikki, Tamina blindsides the shiter Bella wae a superkick, leaving AJ tae hit the shining wizard for the win.
Mark Henry is Santa Claus, and I fuckin LOVE IT. Damien Sandow wis Santa Claus earlier, that wis gid tae. There'll be mare Santa based shenanigans between these two later anaw. Brawness.
Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton
This wis wonderful. Its rarely shite when these two get together cause as much as I find Orton unpalatable as a human being, when given the right opponent he can put on good matches and the quality of this yin seems tae indicate that he's taking his responsibilities as the main man in the company at least a wee bit seriously. Trying tae cut promos that cunts care aboot anaw, but that's no really pannin oot if ye ask me. Be less boring meht.
Bryan gets Orton tied up in the corner and dropkicks him in the knee, before wrappin hm roon a pole n jabbin his glaikit dial. A wee uppercut exchange fae the boays, is followed by Orton catching a big kick tae the breadbasket. Orton sends DBry flyin aff the ropes and catches him wae a big elbow tae the solar plexus. Sare dunt. An eve sarer dunt followed as DBry goes for a suicide dive, but Orton catches it and aids Bryans natural momentum tae send him flying beard first ontae the ground. Does yon spot wear he draps his opponent on the barricaders tae, cause he does it in every fuckin match. Dbry gets nae yes caught in the corner and flies at him wae a hunner dropkicks and assorted additional kicks. They swap momentum shifts for a bit, afore DBry gets the YES! lock in, Orton gets the rope and slides oot only tae be hit wae a Suicide Dive at the second attempt, and a dropkick which sent Orton err the barrier. Bryan looks tae be building up tae overcoming Orton clean, but after the chest kicks, and the attempted roundhouse tae the face, Orton ducks it and hits a low blow fur the DQ. Crackin match, but theres yer undisputed champ lookin weak as fuck again.
Orton looks tae finish the show but battering DBry some mare, but Cena comes oot n stops it, only for the viper tae sleekitly slither back in and hit him wae an RKO. He then proceeded tae masturbate furiously and shoot two puffs of steam oot the end ae his hauf incher, each of them directed at one of his fallen foes. Or he lifted baith belts above his heid while enemies wur lying spark oot. I dunno, it wis wan of they two things anyway.
8.5 bulldogs oota 10. Overall a stoater of a RAW. I apologise if this kinda vague review didnae paint a vivid enough picture of it, so in an attempt tae make up for that, here's an actual picture of HBK tellin ye he's still sexy.
No comments:
Post a Comment