Listen, this is no time for shenanigans awrite? I have a wrasslin show to review, and I hoped sincerely that this week it would contain more than 3 wrestling matches. I prayed to the wrestling gods and Mr Perfect looked down on me with a loot that was a mixture of contrite and mildly smug. Magic 8 ball says, chances are slim.
I don't know where Magnus got this accent from. It belongs to no region in the world. He invented it. I think he stood on an accordion once and really liked the sound it made, so he decided that was the tone he wanted his voice to have. He's going to be world champion for the very first time he says. Angle disagrees. It was fairly awful until this point, and then Bobby Roode came out and made it all ok. He always does. He's talking about his killer instinct setting him apart from others. He talks about how he's going to put Jeff Hardy through a table in their semi final match. The Hardy comes out with a mic in his hand and says that Roode seems to have forgot he has to go through him to make the final, even though he just said he has to beat Hardy. Continuity guys. Hardy gets a 'Hardy!" chant going which may have been the sorriest thing I've ever witnessed. Then...wrestling....
Bobby Roode vs Jeff Hardy (Tables Match - Semi Final in World Title Tournament)
Something about Jeff Hardy has changed over the past month or 2, at least in the ring anyway, he's actually decided to start showing up. So with Hardy somewhere in the vicinity of his best, and Roode always bringing his A-Game this was surely going to be good. Hardy gets us going with some fast paced punches, followed by that double leg drop he does through his opponents legs, and a dropkick to the chest. Hardy gathers a table from the outside and has it dropkicked into his face. A table gets set up in the corner and both men block the others attempts at a hiptoss, before Roode lays Hardy flat out with a clothesline. They have a battle of wills on the apron, with a table dwelling below, and after an exchange of uppercuts and other attempted moves, both men go crashing through the table, game over right? They both lose.
NAH! I'm just playin, the match rolled on after a brief referee meeting which ascertained....nothing really. Back in the ring Hardy hit the twist of fate and Roode rolled onto a table. As Hardy goes up to to bring the match to its end, Roode wisely rolled off the table, but still caught a Swanton for his troubles. The match is eventually brought to an end when Roode tries to Suplex from the apron Hardy through a table on the outside, but Hardly blocks and kicks Roode off the apron through the table. A fairly underwhelming match and a fairly underwhelming review of it tbh. Hardy moves on, and so shall we.
AJ Styles has to give his belt back. Dixie Carter has more camera time to tell us this. None of this is good.
EC3 vs Earl Hebner
I don't even know anymore. EC3 announces Earl is his handpicked opponent and his reaction is the same as everyone elses. Indifference.
Rockstar Spud comes out and makes Hebners son referee it.
EC3 tells Earl to lay down and take the 3 count, when he initially refuses EC3 screams at him a lot. He eventually lays down, Brian Hebner counts the three, he's made to raise EC3s hand. Why? someone tell me why? please.
Another weird segment with a dude on a date with Christy Hemme. He threatens a waiter. Why?
Sting is in the building! that's nice. I like Sting.
Dixie Carter with yet more camera time. Next week there will be 4 briefcases, one of them contains a world title shot, one contains an x division title shot, one a tag title shot, and if you open the other one, you're fired. It would be really beautiful if Hernandez could open the 4th one. Or Jay Bradley. Or Magnus. Title shots in briefcases though eh? that's out the box thinking right there guys.
Bad Influence emerge and that's always good. Daniels says that some folks have got their ovaries in a twist over how the Bad Influence boys have been interacting with Joseph Park. Too harsh they say! he's a nice man just trying to find his brother. They have the truth about Park in an envelope. Park comes out and rips that envelope, but its all a ruse. The actual evidence is on a VT of them going to Parks supposed law offices and finding them empty. They had been empty for 13 years too. Whats Park been doing all that time? Perhaps wrestling under the guise of Abyss? Park asks them to leave him alone, but Bad Influence are all about the jokes and the tomfoolery, and none of that happens if you leave people alone. They persist with the queries so Eric Young rushes out from the back and clears the ring, cause Eric Young is a man to bear. Fear the beard.
Tag match between Bad Influence and Park/Young next week. Oh joyous joy.
Sting is back! and theres a strange promo between him and Magnus backstage. Something about rumours. Sting is excited for Magnus match later.
The Bro-Mans vs Storm and Gunner
So that's around 4-5 weeks since Storm and Gunner dropped the tag belts to these clowns, and not only have they not split up yet but they're actually still feuding with The Bro-Mans? there is no conceivable reason for this still to be happening. Gunner is awful btw. Executed the worst fall-away slam ive ever seen in this match. Storm does a good job as usual, hits the superkick on Jesse for the win, but Gunner has beer spat in his face by Robbie E and attacks him, then throws the ref, and the boys are DQ'd. Storm is of course frustrated cause he had the win in the bag but he still doesn't snap at Gunner. Another week of this. We all know you're going to feud, and its going to be boring as shit, so lets get on with it. Why delay the soul crushing inevitable.
Sting encounters Rockstar Spud backstage and Spud asks him to leave on behalf of Dixie Carter. String grabs spub, rolls him into a ball, uses the excess fake tan he had on his hands from said rolling to lubricate the floor in front of him, then he rolled Spud like a balling ball into the infinite darkness. STRIKE!
Well not really, instead Spud was informed his package had arrived and he went to sign for it. Sting loudly asks "WHATS GOING ON AROUND HERE?" and that my friends, is the question I've been asking myself for the best part of 6 months.
Gail Kim vs Laura Dennis
Another open challenge. Another eat defeat. Another win for Gail. Another pointless exercise.
Lei'd Tapa and ODB had a stramash afterwards which led ODB to send Tapa over the ropes with a big ol lariat. I love ODB a wee bit so this was ok. She'll probably have a decent match with Tapa if it ever happens.
Kurt Angle vs Magnus (Last Man Standing Match - Semi Final in World Title Tournament)
Magnus emerges and the crowd goes mild. Angle throws a beautiful overhead belly to belly and that was something I enjoyed. The boys run the ropes and Magnus takes Angle out with a big clothesline. I like Magnus in the ring btw, he nothing special but his work makes sense, its just his cringeworthy character that puts me off him for the most part, and makes me wish my senses didn't work anymore. Some Germans from Angle, five of them delivered without fail, the fifth one took a while but was delivered with unerring accuracy. Angle shoulderblocks Magnus clean out of the ring as Magnus drags himself u by the ropes to beat the 10 count. Angle comes out of it worse off though, and receives a running Elbow Drop off the apron for his troubles. Perfectly executed because Magnus can go. I like him as a wrestler, just not so much as a human.
Magnus goes up top, but Angle catches him and throws him all the way to purgatory. Or the other side of the ring to be more precise. Angle misses with a moonsault, and Magnus goes up top for the flying elbow again, this time succeeding.
Angle drags himself up at a 9 count, then the worst referee bump ive seen in a good while occurred, as MAgnus runs into the ref without really making any contact with him, but down he goes anyway. Angle Slam of course follows, laying Magnus out for a 3000 count, but no ref means no win. Roode uses the distraction to emerge from the shadows and hit a death valley driver on Angle. Even though Last Man Standing matches are typically no DQ. No need for the sneakiness Bobby! He wakes the ref up and Angle is down for the 10 count. Magnus advances to the final.
Jeff Hardy comes out. He and Jeff shake hands. All in the name of sportsmanship boys eh! Incredibly boring sportsmanship.
The show closes with Dixie and Rockstar Spud opening a package from AJ which is said to contain the TNA World Title. BUT ITS NOT THE TNA WORLD TITLE, ITS A PRETTY PINK BELT! YOU'VE JUST BEEN PRANKED!
Overall Impact had some decent wrestling, and some things that didn't make me want to stick pins in my eyes. Not as much of an assault on my sanity as usual, so I give it 5 spike piledrivers out of 10.
Remember folks. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
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