Mark Henry opens the show in aw his glory. A happy, mountainous Santa, smiling fae ear tae ear. He's yer good Santa for the evening, and Damien Sandow wae aw his snarky patter wid be the bad guy. I assume mare hings will happen concerning that. Perhaps a match between the two to settle hings? Cept I ken they huv a match, n I ken who wins haha. Thats good eh? Saves me the bother of watchin it aw unfold. Good for me.
Naw. I'm still no err it.
Triple H, Kane and Stephanie McMahon in Santa hats, I'm gonnae go ahead n switch ma brain aff tae suhin good happens here. Here's a wee festive drawing of Mr Perfect I drew fur ma pal tae somethin decent happens.
Hunners ah Divas. Total Divas vs Other Divas cept AJ
Ridiculous fuckin spot where everycunt fae total divas joined airms and kicked cunts. Fuckin get that tae fuckin fuck. Natalya and Aksana baith looked eye wateringly braw but, n Nattie slapped Aksanas wee erse fur her. Gid shit. Nattie locked in the maist beautiful sharpshooter int he hitsory of human existence anaw, so hings urnae aw that bad eh. Could be worse. We coulda had Vickie Guerrero buttin somedy wae antlers oan. Naw wait...THAT DID HAPPEN.
Bah fuckin humbug.
Sin Cara vs Curtis Axel
Pretty fuckin gid so it wis. I enjoyed the match, but once again I wis blindsided wae a fuckin spoiler as it wis just startin. This was one of the matches I hudnae seen a spoiler for yet so naturally I wis delighted tae have aw the wonder sooked ootae this yin anaw. Really gid. SIN CARA WINS WAE THE SWANTON. HOORAY.
Awrite? ma names Martin. I'm 24 years old, I own over 50 socks, some of them belong to a pair, and at least 15-20 books, most of which I've read at least once. I cook a mean poached egg and there's suhin im forgettin i hink...aw aye, I'M FUCKIN RAGIN MEHT.
Posting spoilers on twitter, or anywhere i can fuckin see them isnae cool. If you pull that shit, I will shite in a polly bag n make ye swally it whole. Well I prolly wont, but I'd really fuckin like tae.
Damien Sandow bein mean tae a wee lassie. Cmon Damo, yer better than that meht. Santa's supposed tae be jolly ya sillyheid! Tells her he's cancelled Christmas, but I dont think he has the authority tae make that call, so yees can aw still eat too much n drunk rum ootae a sippy cup if yer intae it.
The Big Show in a top hat wae a happy new year hing across his chest, and I hink he wis wearin a nappy. I dont even fuckin know man. Remember wrestling?
Batista is back baby! Cause a 44 year old who disnae really like wrestling, and could dae fuck all but powerbomb and spear cunts when he wis in his prime is exactly whit we need. No tae sound like a pure know it all or that, but see this? get it as far away fae me as humanly possible, and when it gets there, gie it a wedgie n stick its heid doon the pan. Fuckin BIG DAVE IS BACK!!! JANUARY 20TH! JIST IN TIME TAE WIN THE RUMBLE.
Bah fuckin humbug
Daniel Bryan, Goldy and Cody Rhodes vs The Wyatt Family
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaye! fuckin so much fuckin aye. Not only wis this one of the matches I didnae know the outcome for, but it happened to be one of my favourite 6 man tag matches probably ever. A wondrous feast for the senses so it wis. Christmas is back AWN! I dont have time tae re-watch it and gie ye the play-by-play but needless tae say it had everything ye could possibly have wanted from this type of match. Lariats fae big Harper, Rowan confused n flingin cunts. Goldy gien ye aw that uppercuttin, atomic droppin gidness. Tried a snapmare on Harper but the big yin blocks it. He blocks hings often cause he's a big bastard n thats jist whit he's intae. Suicide dive fae DBry, aw the kicks, aw the missile dropkicks. Aw the best shit. DBry finally gets a shot at Bray, but the big yin bolts and when DBry goes after him, big Rowan flattens the poor cunt. Cody in the ring wae big Harper, and hits uhm wae a wee drop toehold, followed by a moonsault. Rowan tosses DBry intae a barricade, and gets hit by a flying Goldust right efter it, cause Goldust is the fuckin da. When aw that madness was going on outside the ring, poor Cody wis gettin Sister Abigailed in it and that wis that. The Wyatts go over strong as fuck again. Nae bad thing really, but its another loss for DBry and another doing for him, and The Rhodezies.
Bryan gets a mild but probably quite sare doing afterwards, and Bray re-iterates that he could have taken the pain away. It didnae have tae be like this. Felt like he was on the verge of tears as he spoke tae DBry, which just about sums up the extent of this mans acting prowess. Windham Rotunda no longer exists, he's morphed intae Bray Wyatt for good. Follow the buzzards.
(this wis where I stopped reviewing it live cause I couldnae be fucked, the remainder of this review wis written at hauf 5 on Chrismtas Morning, hence the slightly cheerier tone tae it. Please enjoy responsibly in the presence of at least 3 semi functional adults, or a baby lion)
.A segment which involved Drew Mcintyre and Jinder Mahal in a sing off against Xavier Woods and R-Truth, and of course Khali and Santino cause its RAW Christmas and thats jist how shit wis goin down. I wisnae sure whit wis happenin, or where the fuck ma main man Heath Slater wis, but as soon as Khali got on the mic n started gaun "fa la la la la, fa la la la la" over n over again, nuhin else mattered. Majestic. Him n Santino won of course, although if ye want ma honest opinion on whose voice possessed the maist beauty, I'd huv tae go wae the bold Xavier Woods. If ye want my opinion on who the greatest human shaped disaster oan the planet is, that wid huv tae be Le Grande Khali.
Dolph Ziggler vs Fandango (Christmas Present On A Pole Match)
The present wis an IC Title shot, and I kent who won this afore it kicked aff so when I fun oot that wis the stip it bothered me even mare. Why the fuck is Dolph Ziggler the guy that puts over CONTENDERS fur the IC belt noo? It'll never make sense tae me neer it willnae, n I jist want tae tell him its aw gonnae be awrite, while I make a lifelike waxwork model of that breathtaking erse hes goat. Aye so, Fandango shoves him aff the top rope, Dolph sells it like he died on the way doon n his boady shattered intae a million tiny glistening pieces, n Fandango gets the title shot. End ah fuckin story.
The Usos vs The PTP
Some mic work fae Darren Young here tae kick us aff! he's frustrated that Titus is always the cunt daein the talkin, so he grabs the mic, only tae say the wrang toon name and get it promptly took aff uhm. Ye cannae go aboot Texas n no be aware whit part yer in Darren meht. Wid be lit gaun tae Ibrox, grabbin the mic aff the compere, n welcoming everycunt tae Sellik Park. Cunts lucky tae huv made it oot alive tbh, especially efter an Uso hits uhm wae a big splash aff the tap rope tae gie the boayz the win. Then they aw done the millyins ah dollas hing afterwards because KAYFABE IS DEAD.
Mark Henry vs Damien Sandow
So mind how Damien Sandow wis supposed tae be the next World Heavyweight Champion? Mind how he cashed in the MITB briefcase against Cena, n worked a fuckin stoatin match, only tae lose anyway? Mind how everycunt assumed this wid lead tae him workin wae Cena n gettin the belt eventually? I mind meht. I mind aw these hings, and I mind how it wis aw snatched away in an instant when this fuckin unification shite started up, and now we've goat a bonafide genius in Damien Sandow languishing in the midcard once more, cuttin aboot trying tae cancel Christmas, n gettin leathered wae candy canes aff Mark Henry. I dunno who's burial I'm mare annoyed aboot tbh, cause Dolph at least had a wee shot of the baw afore Triple H burst it, n gied the deflated remains tae Berty Naebelts, Sandow's jist been shelved by the looks of it. Henry won wae the Worlds Strongest Slam n that wis that. Two of my favourite cunts cuttin aboot in fuckin Santa suits, as much as it wis gid clean hermless fun, I want these two pushed right up that card. No the morra, no yesterday, no the day....in fact aye, the day. I want them pushed THE DAY. Christmas fuckin Day. Push ma boayz or risk being on the receiving end of a strongly worded email. Perhaps a fax anaw if yer lucky (nae fuckin idea who I'm even supposed tae be talkin tae here. We'll say its Vince McMahon n say nae mare aboot it right? sound)
A fairly fuckin beautiful promo between three of ma mainest men. Big E n aw his magnificant shiny diddies gidness, CM Punk wae the stories, and John Cena wae the reckless enthusiasm. They're gonnae batter The Shield stupit the night and have nae qualms wae lettin us know aw aboot it. That's yer main event btw, they three boayz takin oan the Shieldzies. Punk talks aboot never having asked fur help afore, but he's making an exception cause its Christmas. Santa brought him John Cena n Big E Langston, and they shall go forth as a unit. If Santa brought me a coupla bonafide stoaters lit they two fur crimmuh, I might be able tae forgive him fur never bringin me wannae yon Hulk Hogan rippable vests when I wis wee.
Los Matadores vs The Real Americans
Antonio Cesaro is so much more than the fuckin swings so he is. As braw a spot as it is, its happenin waaaaay too fuckin often now, n cunts are startin tae forget hes a wrasslin adonis. Anyway aye, the wee bull nutted Cesaro in the baws efter he does some swings on a Matador, and another Matador inexplicably pinned Swagger wae a crossbody. Ye fuckin whit meht? crossbodys huvnae pinned anycunt since the early 80s, get this tae fuck.
Ryback squashes Kofi Kingston. I'm sure somedy on planet earth gied a fuck. Mibbe Kofi's brerrs n sisters back in Jamaica?
I love Bad News Barrett n I frankly couldnae gie a fuck whit ye hink ma man. Theres wee segments throughout the night involving him bein nice n collectin fur charity oan the streets, and the segment in the arena is basically him telin us that he plans tae steal that charity money n spend it oan nipple tassels n swedgers. No gien a modicum of a fuck either. Cause Bad News Barrett dont give an eff about nuffin!
The Shield vs CM Punk, Big E Langston and John Cena
Magic. Whit a braw RAW fur 6 man tag matches. Cena starts hings aff wae Rollins and yer boay looks sharp as fuck. Aw the shoulderblocks. Fleein aw err the place. Ambrose in there wae Cena, hittin uh wae some methodical jabs and looks of pure lust. Lovely wee snap suplex on the outside fae Ambrose on Punk. Drapped ye right oan yer coccyx dint eh Phil ma man. Reigns gets in n pretty much ragdolls poor Punk. Bearhug intae a belly tae belly suplex, raw power baybeeee. A flurry of activity leads tae Big E bein left on his tod wae Rollins n Ambrose and he tries n fails tae hit them baith wae the Big Ending. Wound up wae a kick tae the side of the dome aff Rollins fur his considerable trouble. Cena breaks up the pin fae that, and catches a flyin Rollins, before gettin him up for the AA only tae be speared clean oot ees Nu-Balances by Roman Reigns. Everycunt clears oot, leaving Big E tae finally hit The Big Ending on Ambrose and jist when it looks like the big yin is going over strong as fuck, the boayzies come in tae break up the pin and fur some reason get DQ'd in the process. Cannae go this picking and choosing when breaking up a pin is legal in a tag match, but I didnae really gie much of a fuck tbh. Belter of a match, and it ended a RAW that admiteddly I wisnae in the best of oods fur on a high note.
So i'll tell yees aw whit. RAW gets a generous 6.5 gutwrench powerbombs oota 10 despite its deficiencies cause there wis two superb 6 man tag matches and Natalya wearin a wee skirt, and also I'm feelin fuckin festive brah. Merry Christmas tae you and yours.
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