Daniel Bryan vs Fandango
I dunno why this happened, but jings, if it wisnae fuckin superb, me n you huv different ideas as tae whit that word means. Some chops fae Fandango and a cheeky jab or three, before Dbry gets in amongst the chest kicks, and a wee bitta surfboard action. Well he attempted it, but yer man Johnny Curtis wis huvin nane ae it, so Dbry done a wee bunny hop wae the legs locked in and burst Fandangos knees. A touch of the suicide dives followed fae DBry, then a wee dropkick up against the barricade and it looks like DBrys got this shit in the fuckin bag son. Comes aff the tap rope but Fandango caught it intae a beauty of a powerbomb. Yer man looks like he's in fur a shock win, but it wis never happenin really wis it? I mean ye can go for yon top rope legdrop aw ye want Mr Curtis, but ye were always gonnae miss, Danny wis always gonnae hit the diving heidbutt, and then a flying knee wis always gonnae put ye tae bed. Gid effort but.
Bray appears on yer titantron after the match, and I dunno why, but this yin in particular almost upset me wae how gid it wis. Its too much. I'm jist a boay. I cannae handle aw the braw words, and the bone chilling beardy delivery that comes wae them. Bryans resistance tae join the boayzies has left Bray frustrated, so he twisted Mason Ryans heid aff his shooders and booted it in the Clyde. Theres nae fairytales in Brays world, and if Daniel continues tae resist, this story is gonnae end the way it started. Wae Daniel Bryan feeling the warm, seductive embrace of Sister Abigail. Notice how yer man disnae ask DBry tae follow the buzzards btw? nut, this is a more personal hing. He disnae want a follower wae Daniel Bryan, he wants an ally. A comrade who can help him bring the company tae its knees. He asks him once more tae join them, but DBry gets a "no!" chant on the go, cause he cannae be fucked really. Happy daein his ain thing. Huvin the beard n daein the beautiful wrasslin n slingin it up the marginally less shite Bella. Its no the worst ah lifes tae be leadin is it.
Jerry Lawler n Booker T are hosting the Slammys. Jerry Lawlers facial expression these days is a seemingly permanent mixture of constipated and trying tae remember where he parked his motor. Also, here's The New Age Outlaws wearing the suits Jim Carrey n Jeff Daniels wear in dumb n dumber! cept Bad Influence awready used this patter on TNA aboot 6 weeks ago. They're presenting the award for the LOL moment of the year, so that meant The Road Dogg hud tae say LOL a lot and that made me die inside a wee bit. They have three words for us! The nominees are.....who gies a fuck. The Rock won wae his wee ditty aboot Vickie Guerrero. Vickie collected the award on The Rocks behalf and tellt us aw shes a wee ride. I respectfully disagree hen, well done oan bein Eddies wife for ages but. A wee "one more match" chant for the Outlaws anaw, and as nice as that wis, I'd like a hunner mare matches if possible. Couldnae gie a fuck if they're auld, they huv and probably always will be my favourite tag team.
Damien Sandow vs Santino
Big E was on commentary so we got a smidgen of gidness here. Match wis actually ok, particularly liked the finish when Santino is gaun for the cobra, but Sandow does a mad leg sweep that looked lit an involuntary break dancing spasm, before hittin You're Welcome for the win. Him n Big E huv a wee staredoon afterwards, and Big E makes Damo shite himself. Classic Big E. Charisma, intimidation and diddies fur everyone. Yer Da's auld bowling shirt jist fur the hoes.
The Shield are next tae present a Slammy for the double cross of the year, n they were aw wearing suits. I'm a heterosexual man, but I wid absolutely huv rode them aw. Widnae huv got aff Dean Amrbose fur a pish, even if I really really needed tae dae a pish. 2013 wis the year of The Shield they say, and naecunt wid dare tae double cross them cause THEY AINT GOT ENOUGH HEART. This wis actually a Slammy I cared about a wee bit, cause it had Mark Henrys promo when he turned on Cena after his retirement patter in it, and that wis perhaps my favourite promo in the past 10 years. Its up there anyway. A fuckin stoater. HBK turning on Daniel Bryan won it though, and he's there tae personally accept the award. The mare I see of HBK the mare I think him vs Daniel Bryan is a genuine possibility for WM30 and that makes me want tae link arms wae yees aw and bask in our collective joy.
The Miz vs Kofi Kingston
The honest truth here is that these two huv fantastic chemistry together. Truly bring the best out in each other and I've never gied less of a fuck aboot any aspect of human life. Miz won wae a cheeky rollup n got Trouble In Paradise'd intae next month. NEXT.
The Bellas won Diva of The Year. If this doesnae fill ye with an incurable sadness then yer a wrang un. A poor excuse for a human. Find yer nearest shark infested body of water n hurl yersell intae it please.
Rey, Show, Cody and Goldy vs Rybaxel and The Real Americans
Fuckin Rybaxel hahaha. That's whit these two diddy rides are calling themselves. If these cunts get the tag belts next, I swear tae god, the whole game's rigged. Cesaro n Goldy hud a beautiful wee exchange of their talents here, which culminated in a Goldy powerslam. Cesaro tags Swagger in but yer Goldy hits them wae a double DDT and gets his brerr in, and Cody jist went full blown radje on Axel. Missile dropkick, moonsault, uppercuts n aw that. Big Show knocks everycunt no cawed Axel intae next week, then Cody n Rey combined wae some Disaster Kickin n 619'in and the faces go over.
No a bad wee match really. Aw the wrasslin tae this point had been fuckin braw. Even that Kofi Mizston irrelevance. See when the wrasslins gid at least, ye can suffer through aw the other shite. Aw the stuff they want ye tae care about but naecunt really does. Lit Eve Torres presenting the Diva Of The Year award. I jist remembered that happened cause that's how significant it wis tae anycunt. Total baws.
Shawn Michaels is oot tae present the Superstar Of The Year Slammy, so ye ken right away DBry is winning it. Bryan snatches the award oot HBKs hauns wae such ferocity that it knocked his daft eyes straight. Bryan chats aboot how he widnae be in WWE without HBKs influence, but he wid also be WWE Champion if it wisnae for HBK. 2014 is gonnae be even better than 2013, and tae be frank, the very idea of that gies me an unspeakably warm feeling in the place where ma wullie resides. Daniel Bryan will have his day. A proper wan anaw, where he wins the belt n gets tae keep it for merr than a day, and its gonnae be fuckin beautiful.
Del Rio vs Sin Cara The Sequel
Pretty fuckin gid again. I like this feud cause it means Del Rio isnae anywhere near a belt. Del Rio is a braw wrassler, one of my favourite cunts in WWE wrasslin wise, but hes one of main reasons the World Heavyweight Belt is getting binned. They jist kept gien it tae the cunt n he seemed tae be on a one man crusade tae make it entirely irrelevant. Sin Cara has the audacity tae hit Del Rio wae a chop, so Berty scuds him on the side of the dome wae a kick. Micheal Cole makes reference tae Del Rio no being the same since he drapped the belt, and I swear tae Lucifer he wis a bawhair away fae cawin him Berty NaeBelts. Del Rio slung Sin Cara against the barricade on the outside, a spot that wid have been much more effective if DBry hudnae awready done it tae Fandango earlier in the night, but that wis over an hour ago meht, lets no pick it apart too much. Tornado DDT fae Sin Hunico, followed by some heidscissors and a snazzy wee springboard elbow tae Del Rios chest. Could Sin Cara 2 dae the unthinkable n beat naebelts for the second week running? well...aye. Cause he went n done it. Sorry I didnae keep the suspense gaun a wee bit longer, but also I'm no really sorry, cause I don't care. Swanton hits. Del Rio's doon furra 3 count. Crackin wee match, wrasslin wise this RAW wis daein gid things tae me.
Don't tell anycunt, but aside fae The Divas award, I wisnae hating the Slammys as much as I thought I wid. Daniel Bryan won another yin, The Fan Participation of the year award, cause he achieved his goal of having every living human wae a voicebox chaint "YES!" at some point in the year. Daniel Bryan winning hings is gid, I wid rather it wis belts, but rigged awards will dae as a substitute.
Broadus Clay vs Xavier Woods
Cannae believe they only bumped the hugely talented Xavier Woods tae the main roster tae facilitate a fuckin Broadus Clay heel turn. Does anycunt gie a modicum of a fuck aboot this shite? Broadus hits a splash aff the middle rope and beats Woods within aboot 30 seconds. Batters Woods a wee bit efter it anaw. A heel turn for Broadus is a gid thing like, but if ye find me somedy that cares, ye'll have found me Broadus Clays maw. I'm sure she's a lovely wuman, but I've nae interest in interacting wae the broad.
Stephanie McMahon won insult of the year, cause slapping a giant till a look of unquenchable lust overtakes his usually glaikit lookin coupon is an "insult" these days. The Miz presented it and unleashed aw the worst of the patters. Horrendous stuff. I don't wish any real harm on the cunt, but it wid be kosher if his tongue ceased tae function.
CM Punk vs Dean Ambrose
When matches like this arise, I tend tae get really excited n mibbe write a bit too much aboot them. I feel its important that when geniuses collide, ye get tae hear about it in great detail, jist incase yer daft enough tae miss out on watchin it. I thought aboot mibbe making a conscious attempt no tae ramble on too much here, but im awready gibberin away anyway, so why no keep on keepin on?
Some armbars, chinlocks and a wee shoulderblock fae Ambrose. Armdrag, intae an armbar fae Punk, who wis clearly very familiar wae Y2Js 1001 holds promo fae WCW cause he had pretty much covered aw of them tae this point. Ambrose drags Punk heid first across the tap rope, cause he's a cerebral muhfucka, n that's the kinda sare cheekiness he's intae it. Then a beautifully choreographed wee reversal happened n it made my bellend aww weepy, as Punks crossbody attempt is caught by Deanos knees. Sare dunt for the Punkster. Some chops fae Punk are met war a particularly violent shoulder tae the ribs fae Ambrose in the corner. Ambrose dallies on the apron as The Shield circle the ring, but Punk knocks the cunt aff the apron n hits a suicide dive anyway, cause he's no feart of anycunt. No even a cunt packin a spear that could knock HBKs eyes straight (och here I've awready cracked a joke about hings knockin HBKs eyes straight eh? pick yer favourite n cherish it ma man, cause that's the last ye'll be seein of that patter....tae he appears again at least)
The boays tiptoe towards Punk, and by the time we get back fae the break Ambrose has Punk in a camel clutch. WHIT THE FUCK HAPPENED, HE WIS OOT COLD AFORE THE BREAK. FFS.
Punks ribs are burst tae fuck, but he hits yon Macho Man elbow aff the top rope, before gaun for the GTS, but Ambrose reverses it intae a beauty of a double underhook suplex. Tries tae hit the same move aff the top rope next, but Punk fights oot n hits a crossbody, only fur Ambrose tae roll through it and nearly sneak a win. Another GTS attempt is blocked and Punks sent flying tae the outside, right next tae The Shield boayz. Ambrose isnae keen on them getting involved but, tells them tae huv a coke and a smile, n then they can feel free tae shut the fuck up. They take thersells up the road, and Ambrose eats a GTS. Lights oot. 1,2,3. Reigns is still hovering aboot though, and he decides tae separate Punks top hauf fae his bottom hauf wae another work of art masquerading as a spear.
No entirely convinced of this Reigns face turn they're kinda teasing, cause he's still a bad bastard so he is. In a gid way, but he's still a nasty big Samoan spear machine. He'd spear yer auld granda if the opportunity presented itself. Even if he's deid. Reignsy widnae be gien a fuck. He's wanna they goffs, but insteada shagging deid folk, he spears them intae next Julaugust.
Fae that almost incomprehensible brawness tae a fuckin Mick Foley appearance. Ye could yase ma stauner a ski slope at this point. Slalom'in doon the fuckin hing wae much joy. Much delight. Micks oot tae present the Slammy for the most extreme moment of the year cause he's hard tae the fuckin core. I don't get many opportunities tae tell everyone how much I love Mick Foley in these reviews cause his appearances are all to infrequent, so I'll tell ye right noo, he's as close tae an idol as it gets for me. A wonderful man, who sacrificed his ain well being a thousand n two times jist tae entertain us aw. Soundest cunt oot tae, I mean his 20 year auld daughter hings aboot wae him willingly still, n shes a stone cold ride, so she could be oot snortin aw the boaby, n pumpin aw the drugs but she choses no tae cause her da is hefty sound and probably gid at Kerplunk.
Punk wins maist extreme moment of the year for scuddin Heyman wae a Kendo Stick a lot, and him and Foley share a wee hug. So lovely. Punk feels strange accepting the award wae nae troosers on, and he thanks Heyman fur bein a gid target. Lovely stuff.
The Wyatts vs The Usos
Gid news guys! for the first few minutes of this match ye could tell The Usos apart! well wan hud a shirt on, so from now on they'll be known as Shirt Uso and Skin Uso, and they cannae really complain aboot this state of affairs cause they kinda brought it on themselves so they did. This match wis braw btw. Shirt Uso kicks Rowan tae the outside, n knocks Harper aff the apron before running aff the ropes and diving on the boayz, while Skin Uso also dived on them aff the tap rope. Aw the dives. Rowan hits Skin Uso wae a fallaway slam, but then I realised the other yin had took his shirt aff n they once again had become a single entity. Ach well, nice while it lasted eh. Jimmy or Jey clotheslines Harper tae fuck, then hits a wee Samoan Drop, afore Harper hits back by drappin Jey or Jimmy throat first on the middle rope. Superkick n a big splash fae TAFKA Skin Uso, but Rowan breaks up the count. Then it ended beautifully, as aw these tag matches seem tae these days. When did WWE stumble intae a vibrant tag division? its been braw for months noo, but none of it seems tae be by design fae any authority figures, cunts seemed tae decide wan day tae aw put eah other over and work braw matches and that's jist how it has tae be. Anyway aye, the finish. Rowan goes flying err the top rope when JimmyorperhapsJey pulls the rope doon, so Rowan launches him intae the announce table afore climbing on the apron jist in time tae take a superkick fae the other Uso. Other Uso should really have kept his eyes on the prize but, as he turns roon intae a beezer of a lariat which meant two things. Firstly the Wyatts won, and secondly, ye can tell the difference between the Usos for gid noo, cause one of them no longer has a heid.
Match of the year Slammy is presented by Bret Hart. It had Triple H vs Brock in the list of nominees but no Punk vs Brock, which can quite frankly fold itsell up real nice. Real neat n tidy. Turn itsell sideways, and stick itsell up Vince McMahons undoubtedly veiny arse. Cena v Rock won anaw. Fuck this, and every other life anyones ever lived. Bret Hart sounded like the last remnants of his soul died when he had tae announce it anaw. Nae wunner meht. 4 oota 10.
Natalya vs Tamina
I fell asleep watchin it live n missed this. Probably for the best, I wis fuckin shattered n the spontaneous wank I widda hud might have hospitalised me. Natty wins wae the sharpshooter. Magic.
Mibbe the reason they keep startin shows wae matches is cause they keep fuckin endin the hings wae stupid as fuck Unification based promos. Hullo Trips, nice tae see ye meht, yer still mare nose than man but. Aw the former world champs in the building are gathered in the ring, and for some reason Jack Swagger and The Miz are there tae. Either I've wiped any trace of these cunts haudin any belts of significance fae my memory, or it jist didnae fuckin happen meht. I'm gonnae go wae the second wan there.
They're oot tae oversee the official unification of the belts, and I really dunno whit that means. Mibbe they're gonnae melt baith the belts intae a cauldron n Randy Ortons gonnae jump in it eh. We'll see. Triple H tries tae say words, but the arena is engulfed in Daniel Bryan chants. The people want whit they want. Ye canae run fae it. They want that beautiful man walkin aboot wae aw the belts. Make it happen or risk the wrath of the people. WE THE PEOPLE!
Mark Henry raised Dbrys haun and that jist makes them go even louder wae a YES! chant. Danny face is a fuckin delight throughout. Smiling fae ear tae ear. He's feeling this.
Orton's oot. Mic in haun. Aw nawwwwwww. Cena's oot anaw. TIME FURRA PROMO WAR, ARE WE AW AS EXCITED AS I.....och I cannae even pretend I gie a fuck. Ortons trying his best tae sound interesting, god bless his cottons, but he jist isnae. Never will be. Cena stares blankly at him throughout. Everyone stared blankly at every fuckin facet of this pish. Gie Daniel Bryan aw the belts. Fuckin NOW. Orton talks aboot takin years aff Foleys career, n he can pack that patter in immediately.
He goes on tae explain how there widnae have needed tae be a screwjob in Montreal if he wis aboot, cause Orton wid have legit knocked Bret Hart oot, and Bret reacts by making a face that seemed tae signify that he'd just farted in the general direction of Booker T. Och listen, for an Orton promo this wis no bad, but nae cunt cares.
Cena finally gets on the mic, and immediately pulls Daniel Bryan intae the picture cause he knows money when he sees it. Daniel Bryan is money. He asks Bryan some simple questions aboot his background, and if he's had everything handed to him on a plate. We discover that he husnae. Cena is fuckin excellent here btw, pointing in Randalls coupon and telling him he's been had tae work for fuck all. If Orton had eyes, he'd be greetin fae them right about now. He talks aboot Randy huvin the baws tae staun in the ring and talk about being the best when he's had it aw handed tae him, and it feels like a shoot. I ken its no, but it feels like it and that makes it fuckin braw in my eyes.
He talks aboot wanting tae win at TLC for the same reasons as he always wants tae win, cause he loves a scrap. Orton wants tae win for glory. He mentions Dolph, and gien Punk a shot at the belt when he wis due tae leave the company, and he mentions DBry again by stating correctly that Daniel Bryans only legit title shot came against him AND HE WON. He offers Orton his haun, seemingly bringin promo wars tae an end. Orton accepts the handshake, afore scuddin Cenas jaw wae his other haun. Cheeky midden.
Then things got......almost too gid.
The heel wrasslers restrain Orton, but Punks hud enough and flees at the cunt. Raining jabs doon on his eyeless coupon. Triple H pulls him away, n Punk goes after Trips, only fur HBK tae sweet chin music him oota naeplace. DBry bursts oot the corner wae some a long overdue revenge flying knee tae HBKs chin, afore Orton uses this opening tae go for the RKO, only fur Bryan tae shove him intae Stephanie. Knockin the datf bint clean oot, cause fur some reason when hunners of World Champions were scrapping, she thought stickin around wid be a gid idea. Triple H is incensed by this turn of events, and eve though it wis DBry who launched Orton in his wifes direction, its Orton that catches the sweetest pedigree of aw time. Triple H, Kane n Cena make sure Stephs awrite, which leaves ye wonderin if Cenas been the boay for The Authority aw along? err me feigning an interest in whit The Authority does, fuckin hell, this must have been a gid promo. Either that or I'm still aff ma tits fae Coloursfest. I dunno. I liked it but.
Overall a surprisingly braw episode of yer Monday Night RAW. I came oot the other end of it with genuine hope that once this Unification patter is brought to an end, that the rightful boayzies will once again rise to the top of the tree. Daniel Bryan and CM Punk for now, wae Cesaro, Ambrose, Sandow and the like tae follow soo after. 2014. Come at us brah.
Gid wrasslin throughout the evening, and one of the best promos I've ever seen between Orton and Cena (and there have been faaaar too many tae chose fae over the years) makes this RAW a right solid 8 shoulderbreakers oota 10.
Heres a really tiny drawing of Booker T haudin up a big Raw is War logo fur yer general amusement.
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