When wrestling shows start with a match they instantly start off on a good foot for me. Even if that match was to be Zack Ryder vs some of Khalis spare knee skin, its still wrestling. It still lets the casual viewer know right away that this is a wrestling show, and if you don't like wrestling, watch something else. For weeks now we've had Triple H kicking off most WWE shows, with his shirt buttoned all the way up to that huge, room darkening beak he calls a nose. Not this week though, this week we have the wonder that is Big E Langston doing his thing, against another talented guy in Fandango, an we're all a little better off having this dropped into our laps. Not a lot, but a little.
Big E Langston vs Fandango
Fandango was put over at Mania by Chris Jericho. Chris Jericho folks. One of the most influential stars in the modern era, saw enough in Fandango to take a clean loss to him at Mania. Yet seemingly for no reason he is another who remains on the shelf. A multi talented man who was actually making the gimmick work for him for a while, and instead of even receiving even a mid-card push, he's reduced to cannon fodder for the IC Champ. Big E was impressive here, and Fandango actually had some nice moments, but it was never going to be anything other than a win for Big E. Shoulderblocks send Fandango to the outside, only for Fandango to come out of nowhere and knock Big E to the ground with a big clothesline. Sandow is on commentary here and is his usual entertaining self, accusing Big E of having diarrhoea of the mouth (but not diarrhoea of the spirit, never that). Big E strings together the usual RAW power, big belly to belly suplex followed by the big splash onto Fandangos back. There's a few moments of absent mindedness that lead to Big E taking some dangerous moves, namely a big dropkick straight to the chin, but the Big E and his beautiful shimmering manchest finally gets the job done with the Big Ending.
Randy Orton cutting a promo. He isn't a big fan of anyone in the back, or John Cena. I didn't like having to pretend I cared about this enough to even write this sentence. Randy Orton is braindeath, and this Unification angle is haemorrhaging viewers. He apologies to the Authority because they have put their trust in him as the face of the company, and his own face appears to me missing a set of eyes. Wheres your eyes Randall? Suddenly, a wild Daniel Bryan appears!
This says it all really. Six weeks or so Orton has had the belt without Bryan being in the picture, and no one cares. The crowd weren't into this at all, and all of a sudden Bryan emerges and the crowd care. He isn't done with Orton by a long shot, and he correctly points out that Orton never beat him cleanly. Because he couldn't see him probably, because in order to see things, you generally need eyes. Bryan challenges nae eyes to a match on Smackdown that very night, and he seems reticent. In fact he definitely is reticent, because he said "no" and that generally signifies when a person isn't very warm to a suggestion. Orton flees into the night, probably to ask someone if he can borrow their eyes (too much with the Orton has no eyes joke? or not enough?)
Cody Rhodes and Goldust vs Ryback and Curtis Axel
Evergreen Goldust they should call him. Or Evergold maybe? Evergoldust. That's what we'll go with. My point is, he looks better than ever, which is pretty remarkable considering what he's been through and the fact that he's 44. A human hero. Ryback is the antithesis of everything Goldust represents. The clumsy lummox to Goldys graceful proficiency, the halfwit to Goldys genius, the beige to Goldys...well...Gold. This match was pretty good I suppose. Goldust and Axel have some nice exchanges early on with Goldust hitting a picture perfect power slam on Perfects boy, before tagging in Cody who immediately hits a springboard missile dropkick, followed by the big uppercut from the floor, and a missed disaster kick was followed by a quick rollup in the corner for a 2 count. Cody nails the moonsault on a standing Axel, but the count is broken by a surprisingly quick thinking Ryback, but he was soon back to his usual perennially confused self when Goldust clotheslines him to the outside and Cody sneaks around the side to hit him with a disaster kick off the announce table. His penchant for kicking square jaws proved to be his downfall though, as Axel grabbed him with a small package for the 3 count as he climbed through the ropes. Bit of a shocker there, and an indication that Ryback and Axel tagging together may be more of a permanent thing. As much as I'm not a huge fan of either, this is a lot more palatable than having both of them eat up TV time in separate parts of the show, and I cant see it leading to much promo work, which is the main area they struggle in, and by them struggling, I mean I struggle not to throw myself from a window when either of them get on the mic.
Bad News Barrett returns to tell everyone in Oklahoma they should take a bath. Or something. They're sheep apparently. Lambs to the slaughter.
Kofi Kingston vs Alberto Del Rio
Del Rio takes his frustrations out on losing to Sin Cara on RAW by throwing Kofi Kingston round with reckless abandon here. Immediately gets him on the outside and throws him against a barricade like a lawn dart. Before dragging him into the rick for a superkick to the jaw, and slice of Cross Armbreakerery. Match never officially got started, so technically no one won, but I'd like to think we were all winners since Del Rio wasn't allowed near a mic.
Roman Reigns with promo time, and it was pretty damn good. He speaks of his desire to shatter Punks spine with one fateful spear, before Rollins interrupts and reminds him that they're looking to have Punk at least upwardly mobile for their 3 on 1 match at TLC. One member of the The Shield will face Punk on Smackdown tonight, and Reigns thinks it should be the baddest man in The Shield, Ambrose interjects and says "that's big Deano!" or words to that effect. I think Roman meant himself though Dean. Could be wrong, I have been in the past...not often, but it happens.
CM Punk vs Dean Ambrose
Well this was just delightful. I feel like I should pay someone for getting to see this, or I should at least nod in appreciation in someones direction. We start off with some sideheadlock takedowns from Punk followed by a big kick to the face that had Ambrose checking to see if his jaw was still attached. Punk has another go at dislodging it when he hits Ambrose with 4 consecutive legdrops, but as slack as it may have been, Ambrose jaw was still standing. Punk sends Ambrose to the outside and goes straight after, but Ambrose catches him and drives him spine first into the apron, before dragging him back inside to hit the slingshot against the bottom rope. Ambrose continues this sustained period of dominance, and gets a near fall after a huge spinebuster. Complacency proves to be the downfall of Ambrose, as he wastes time going to the top rope, giving Punk enough time to roll out of the way before Ambrose could deliver the flying elbow. Springboard clothesline from Punk followed as he looked to gain the upper hand once more. His dominance is short lived though, as his swinging neckbreaker attempt is reversed into a backslide, and then a triceps tearing armbar. Punk fights out of it and goes up top again for the flying elbow, but Ambrose has it well scouted and catches him with a Full Nelson Suplex throw from the top rope, before locking in another excruciating armbar. Encouraging to see Ambrose looking so strong here, but he's almost caught out with a big roundhouse to the back of the head which brings a two count. Two GTS attempts are blocked by Ambrose, before he sends Punk shoulder first into the ringpost. His third GTS attempt finally proves successful as he caught Ambrose with another kick to the head, before nailing the GTS for the win. For those of you maybe unfamiliar with my reviews, you can always tell I'm into a match when I make to attempt to ridicule any facet of it. This was one of those occasions. Eye watering goodness on display here.
Rey Mysterio and Zeb trading insults backstage. Zeb wants to know what Rey is running from. Why does he wear the mask? WHAT IS LUCHA? He questions Reys citizenship, before Rey describes himself as a "619er" and says Zeb and the Real Americans are hypocrites. Its all leading to a challenge from Zeb that Rey and an "amigo" of his choosing face The Real Americans, and if that's not enough to get your juices flowing well...I understand, It didn't do much for me either tbh.
Tamina vs Natalya
Speaking of things which get ones juices flowing....
I wont lie to you good folks, this is sort of a dream match for me. I think it happened on Smackdown recently as well, but anytime this blessing is bestowed upon us is a time to cherish. Not only do I respect them both as two of the best wrestlers in the Divas division (two of the only 'wrestlers' also) but I'm a wee bit in love with Natty, and I have an unquenchable desire to have Tamina headbutt me for some reason. So yeah, this was good. Tamina brutalises Natty early, sending her into the ringpost, before whipping her with her jacket on the outside and sending her into the ring apron. AJ was on commentary and seemed wildly unimpressed with pretty much everything, which makes me wonder if she might be dead inside, because there was so much good shit happening right about now.
Natalya ducks out of a big splash attempt in the corner, before nailing Tamina with a clothesline, and a snapmare followed by a dropkick. Tamina blocks a sharpshooter attempt, and goes for the superfly splash, but Natalya rolls out the way, and covers Tamina for the 3. Seemed odd that a missed superfly splash was enough to keep a tough broad like Tamina down for the 3, but there we go. Sometimes things aren't supposed to make sense.
The Real Americans vs Rey Mysterio and The Big Show
Good to see Shows brief dalliance with the WWE Title has led to such big things for him. Mystery partnering, and chest slapping everyone in his path. Like everyone who knows what wrestling is, I'm a huge fan of Cesaro, and he actually makes Swagger somewhat interesting to me as a part of The Real Americans, but I cant say I had a lot of interest in this match. There are more than enough good tag teams in WWE right now, to make this lumping together of veterans unnecessary, but it was entertaining enough. It also left the possibility of Cesaro swinging The Big Show wide open, which was the only real matter of intrigue in this match. Swagger sends Rey flying out the ring, before tagging Cesaro in, and the Swiss sensation floors Rey with a brutal running knee. We finally get to see Cesaro in there with Show, and everyones praying to their own personal saviour to see some swings. We see a big back body drop from Show first, followed by a spear. I've always liked Shows spear, for a man his size he isn't the worst at it, but after seeing so many picture perfect spears from Roman Reigns lately, they feel like amateur efforts in comparison. Swagger breaks the count, but its a delay of the inevitable as Show chokeslams Cesaro, before allowing Rey to climb him and hit a big splash off his shoulders for the win. No Cesaro swings, and The Real Americans didn't go over. Officially the low point of what had been a fairly decent show to this point.
There's always Bad News Barrett to cheer us all up eh! and he actually has some good news would you believe? After TLC there will be only one world champion in WWE. The undisputed champion. The cream of the crop. The big Valbowski. The number one guy. The peoples hero. The bad news for that same man, is that being the Champion of Champions means everyone will be out to get him, hopefully including Wade himself, following him around and cutting good news/bad news promos in his face 24/7.
Randy Orton vs Daniel Bryan
I was pleased this was happening, as it at thrusts Daniel Bryan back into the title picture to a certain degree, but then a feeling of dread overtook me. What if this happening for Orton to beat Bryan clean? what if this was engineered for the betterment of the man with no eyes? God forbid. As much as I hate this Unification match even happening, Orton being the man to win it would be the worst thing to happen to the company since someone thought it was a good idea to have The Miz main event Wrestlemania. The upside to this is that Bryan always seems to drag the best out of Orton, so the match should be at least bearable. Orton starts out strong, but Bryan has the first notable offense of the match when he focuses in on Ortons arm. Bryan then sends Orton flying with a dropkick to the outside, but his suicide dive attempt is thwarted by some evasive action from Orton. Then that annoying thing happened where one guy appears to be dominant, we go for a break and when we come back the match has still been going on the app and the roles have reversed. I don't even have a device that supports the WWE App, so your punishing my lack of regard for modern phones with wrestling cruelty. I need to know what occurred between Orton moving out of the suicide dive firing line and Orton dropping a knee on Bryans windpipe. Bryan recovers from the probably heinous beating he took during the break to nail Orton with a top rope Huricanrana. Next he pulls the top rope down and sends Orton to the outside, before hitting a suicide dive at the second attempt. Unfortunately Ortons head remained on his shoulders (still minus the eyes though). Back in the ring a succession of kicks from Bryan, leads to a roundhouse attempt but Orton ducks it and hits the powerslam. Does anyone get caught by that roundhouse these days? everyone seems to be ducking it and turning it into a vertebrae snapping powerbomb/powerslam , he should maybe remove it from his repertoire for the sake of his spine. Next up is the second rope DDT from Orton, which brings a 2 count, before he gestures that he's ready for the RKO. Bryan isn't ready to be RKO'd quite yet though, and instead gets a near fall with a backslide, before answering my early question about the roundhouse by roundhousing Ortons head into the 5th row. Despite the decapitation, Orton does his best Cena impression and kicks out at 2. Bryan goes up top for the flying headbutt and probably the win, before it happened. Lights out. Wyatts.
I don't think I'll ever tire of these surprise Wyatt appearances during matches. Even if its a match I'm enjoying, theres nothing that cant be enhanced by Brays presence. No Bray here yet though, as Harper and Rowan dwell menacingly on the outside. Off the distraction Orton hits the RKO and pins Bryan. Thankfully not entirely cleanly, but its a disappointment regardless.
The lights dim again, and just like he did on RAW, Bray Wyatt manages to fill an arena with his presence without ever appearing in it. He delivers a statement which sent tingles down my spine, all the way to my lower regions as he tells Daniel Bryan that he doesn't have to fight this war alone. He should join the beardy brotherhood. Lets all just try to forget that they had Bryan kidnapped prior to this and could have used that time to persuade him to join them, or even brainwash him if they wanted, because I prefer to think that they used that time to eat ice cream and watch Robocop together. Bray brings the show to a close with two simple, poignant words. Join us.
Overall Smackdown was solid this week. Disappointing outcomes to the two tag matches aside, we had Ambrose v Punk which was predictably joyous, and the Main Event was good too, not to mention my man Big E kicking off the show. I give it 7 diamond cutters out of 10, and that's the bottom line, because its literally the bottom line.
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