Wednesday, January 22, 2014

WWE RAW Review 20/01/2014

Who gives a fuck?

That's the question I found myself asking on a hauf hourly basis throughout this RAW. It wis as if my brain was evaluating what it had just seen and coming to the conclusion that it simply wisnae possible for anycunt to have given anything resembling a fuck about any of it. With the exception of Daniel Bryan, it was a futile pile of baws. I know yer traditional reviews tend tae sum up whit ye thought of the thing yer reviewing at the end, but the mould is being broken here. Heidered between the eyes and shattered intae a million tiny pieces. I might not even bother my arse reviewing the show itself, just gonnae keep on wae this paragraph telling ye how disengaging I found it. Might throw in a wee anecdote about the time I went tae a wrestling show when I wis wee that had "Hawk from the Legion Of Doom" advertised on the poster only for some fat cunt in an all red singlet and botched mohawk tae come out and wrestle the worst match I've ever seen against a blue power ranger. Or I'll shut ma fuckin mooth and review the wrasslin eh? aye fuck it, lets....

Triple H and Stephanie kick off the show by saying words. They're married and they also run the company now, so that means he's probably inappropriately patting female wrestlers oan the bottom, and buyin them really sensual bath salts n that, while his wife runs for office. Mibbe thats why Kaitlyn really left, cause he kept creepin up behind her in the locker room askin when she's gonnae play "the game". Orton comes oot, and Stephanie shouts at him aboot battering Cenas da. Some pish about how that nonsense isnae gonnae fly, and he might get fired if he disnae smarten up his act. Orton barks some shite about how the re-match is shite. Shouldnae be happenin. He'd batter Cena's da a million times if he had to. Triple H intervenes and shows Orton highlights fae the 1997 Scottish Cup Final and Orton asks why that's relevant, only for Triple H to deliver the most poignant, honest line in professional wrestling history. He drops the mic. Summons a camera to zoom right intae his face and mouths the words...

"Why is any of this relevant?"

Its a really good question eh? Why are we seeing Randy Orton, Hunter Hearst McMahon Levesque and Stephanie McMahon cutting a promo together in a ring that belongs tae Daniel Bryan? why is aw this happening tae set up the return of an irrelevant naecunt like Davie Bawheidsta when none of them matter? This is a meaningless subplot in one of the richest stories WWE have told in years with Daniel Bryans rise to the top. Nothing more than filler. In this weeks RAW for the first time in a long time the Undisputed WWE Champion opened and closed the show and it wis a pile of fuckin SHITE. Then he returned....

DMMMM DMMMMM AH WALK AH MILE INSIDE THIS PIT OF DANGER.....DMMMMM DMMMM A PLACE WHERE NO ONE BOTHERS ME..I WALK ALOOOOOOONE!!!!!

Nae idea if thats the right lyrics. Couldnae gie a fuck either, cause fuck Batista. Fuck Batista until the pulsating veins in his stupid fuckin foreheid burst and blood runs intae his beady eyes n blinds him (i think im joking there....really hope I am anyway, people being blinded is no laughing matter) fuck him and his fuckin botchy spear, and his gammy fuckin Spinebuster, and his stupid sitout powerbomb that I'm supposed tae buy intae being a high impact move. Fuck him and his inability tae say anything anyone's ever gave a resemblance of a fuck about. Fuck the fact that he came oot wearing an unzipped trackie tap wae nae t-shirt or even a string vest underneath it, and fuck the fact that his jeans were so tight, I could measure the circumference of his baws jist by fuckin glancing at them. Fuck everything about this jumped up naecunt, who only ever got a push cause Mark Jindrak wis too shite tae be in Evolution, so they looked aboot the locker room for the biggest cunt they could find and there he wis. Wae his stupid spiky hairdo, and his pubey wee tuft ae a beard. THE ANIMAL...DAVE BAWHEIDSTA.

So aye...I don't really like Batista.

He milks the lukewarm reaction he got from the crowd for whit seemed like a fucking hour. He got on the mic and it wis fuckin awful. Chats about he's back tae win the Royal Rumble, and how he's gonnae be the champion and he signs aff by saying "DEAL WITH IT" and dropping the mic. How aboot you deal wae puttin a fuckin t-shirt oan eh Bawtista mate? fair enough, yer in no bad shape for a cunt in his Mid 40s, but yer tits are still wrinkly and yer tatoos are still feminine as fuck. I swear tae fuck, his tattoos are like a collage of every lower back tattoo ever seen on any pornstar. I tuned intae this show hating Batista as it wis, and then he reeled oot this "yer successful da cancellin his golfing trip tae The Bahamas tae show up at yer parents night" routine and I wanted tae stick one of the 500 identical pairs of this horrendous baw huggin jeans he's probably got, up his fuckin arse.

Anyway.....WRESTLING SHOW...

The Shield vs The Rhodezies and Big E

This was braw btw, but see for me tae buy intae its brawness..it had to win me over. I started aff sceptical despite loving aw 6 of these cunts, and that's a case of fatigue when it comes tae these matches. Aw the same cunts in a shuffle, 6 man tags, 8 man tags, sometimes as many as 12 man tags. It's time tae pump the breaks a wee bit I reckon, and get some of these cunts in some rich, storytelling ridden singles feuds. Some slaps tae the melt fae Ambrose tae Big E, are countered with a big shoulderblock that nearly took Deano oot his boots. Goldy hits Seth Rollins wae some Atomic Droppin and knee liftin. Cody and Rollins exchange some brawness, as Seth ducks oota a Disaster Kick attempt, before Cody launches intae a crossbody to the outside. Cody catches Reigns wae a disaster kick no long after. Big E and Ambrose get tagged in and aw sorts of beauty ensued. First the Big Yin knocks Ambrose down n goes for the big splash, only tae find Reigns blockin his path, so catches a lariat over the ropes. Goldy then jumps aff the apron and catches Rollins in the jaw wae a senton, before Big E finally gets the chance tae hit that big splash after a beezer of a belly to belly throw. Then one of the more aesthetically pleasing spots in recent memory happened, when Reigns broke up Big Es pin attempt, only tae see a second disaster kick headed for his jaw, that he instinctively countered wae an earth shattering, life altering superman punch. I've just ran the replay back at least 10 times and marvelled at its beauty. Two weeks in a row big Reignsy has been the highlight reel. The whole hing. He follows that up wae a kidney bursting spear on Goldy, only fur Big E tae flatten him with a standing high impact diddy hit, and amidst the mild chaos, Rollins gets in and hits yon finisher of his, that I cannae mind the name of so I'm gonnae quietly google it...in the meantime here's Sheamus tellin ye he's kiddin on..
The Black Out. He calls it the Black Out, which seems a bit racially insensitive now considering he just knocked Big E Langston out with it, but there ye go. That wis that. Braw wee match. No more 6 man tags but. Please.

Daniel Bryan is out tae give us story time. DBry probably wisnae good enough on the mic a year ago tae be the main man in the company. He wisnae terrible, but unless it wis comedy stuff, he wis never captivating on the mic, but that's all changed now. He's a fuckin bonafide storyteller, and this wee promo about him being the buzzard, and that buzzard chewing on the carcass of Bray Wyatt wis lovely stuff. DBrys been told Harper and Rowan are in the Royal Rumble, so that means DBry will be left tae go one on one wae Bray. Don't gies yer shite but guys, if Daniel Bryan isnae in that fuckin Rumble, yees are aff yer nuts. Bray appears on the titantron and all of a sudden this goes fae a rousing wee bitta solo mic work tae a fuckin party. Bray urges Daniel Bryan tae go home and tell his maw he loves her, cause Bray is gonnae be seeking retribution for DBrys treason. Everything the happens to DBry from now on is his aint fault. Bray signs off wae a Maniacal Laugh, and we move on tae the next thing. The next utterly pointless thing..

Fandango vs Xavier Woods

I truly have nae idea why they bumped Xavier Woods up tae the main roster. Aw he's done so far is facilitate Tons of Funk reverting back tae being jist a coupla fat guys (only kiddin Albert..ye know I love ye mate) and he's had the occasional decent match. This is the second time he's been squashed for seemingly nae reason anaw, this time Fandango lands the top rope leg drop after less than 2 minutes and thats aw she wrote. Whits the fuckin point really? R-Truth had barely parked his arse at the commentary desk n been met wae some of the worst da patter oot by JBL, only tae be right back up again checkin tae see if his pal wis still alive.

Brad Maddox receives some jip fae Kane and sweats wae such density, he becomes a prune. Kane flicks his brand new prune intae the air, catches it in his mouth, and Stephanie McMahon tells him tae stop lollygaggin n apologise tae CM Punk. Kane is reticent at first, but then he remembers that he's recently been castrated and he does what hes told. 

Oot comes Kane. Oot comes Punk. Kane apologises once. Punk gets super mega cheeky (cause hes a super mega cheeky chap) and says he didnae hear him. Kane repeats the feat, this time in a beautiful falsetto. The crowd chants ONE MORE TIME, and Punk says thats unnecessary cause he's gonnae batter Kane instead. Braddox has tae cut short a danger wank in Stephanie McMahons wardrobe tae jump oot n tell everyone tae cool it. If Punk wants a fight, he'll get it, but it won't be against Kane. It'll be against an Ass-Man.

A who?

An Ass-Man I say, he's a man of ass....

Oh!

Billy Gunn vs CM Punk 

Road Dogg being on commentary wis probably the best thing about this. That's no saying it wis a bad match either btw, but I'm sorry if this makes me sound like a cynical cunt. I really uhm, its no my intention, but why in the name of fuck are The New Age Outlaws relevant again in 2014? It pains me tae say this about my all time favourite tag team, but whit the fuck is CM Punk daein wrestling a 50 year old Billy Gunn on RAW? this is aw groundwork being laid for him and Triple H serving up a probable shiter at Mania, so in my estimation that makes it a total waste of Punks valuable time. The boayzies make their way towards the announce desk where Punk and The Road Dogg get intae some verbals, only for the Ass Man (he's an Ass Man btw) tae club Punk from behind. Road Dogg sits back down and explains that the only reason he stood up was because he had a cramp in his leg. I never doubted ye for a second Roadie ma man. Billy dodges a GTS attempt, and catches Punk square on the jaw wae a dropkick. Then Punk continues in the vein of cheekiness from his Kane patter earlier, when he sends Billy Gunn oot the ring, lookin like its suicide dive time, only for Punk tae dive oot the other side instead and leather the Road Dogg. Back in the ring, Punk has his flying elbow attempt thwarted by a decidedly unruly Road Dogg, who pulls his pal oot the road. Punk brings decides the only way tae teach that Dogg a lesson is by by rubbin its nose in its ain pish, and in this case thats a metaphor for the suicide dive Punk hit him wae. Punk dodges the Fameasser when they get back intae the ring and hits a GTS. Any move that lands on Billy Gunns jaw is likely tae get the job done considering he's spent most of his audlt life chewin tobacco and selling the shite oota the Clothesline From Hell. Punk gets the pin. That's that.

Maddox comes oot tae deliver some BAAAAAD NEWSSSSSS. Only tae be interrupted by WWEs bad news delivering chief.....eh....Kane. I realise him and Kane are at loggerheids the noo, but this wis a Bad News Barrett segment aw the way. I'm gonnae pretend it wis him anyway, cause its my review and I'll dae whit I want. So aye. Big Barrett comes out and tells Punk he's the Number One entrant in the Rumble, and if he's tae win it, he'll have to last the full match, cause he's the Number One entrant so he is. Nae tea break, nae roll n pie, no even a quick inner thigh massage aff AJ. None of that. Eliminate cunts, don't get eliminated yersell. Sorted.

Berty DelNaeBelts vs Rey Mysterio

I'm really intae this wee feud. Wrestling wise anyway, its comfortably the most intae Reys work I've been since he came back, and Del Rio always hauds my interest as a wrestler. It his horrendous mic work that bothers me, and the fact that after another excellent match which was brought tae an end by the cross armbreaker from ADR, we had tae deal wae this cunt again.....

This cunts finisher is a sitout powerbomb right. Thats whit the Batista Bomb is, and his jeans were so ridiculously tight that he couldnae even dae it. Had tae go with a normal powerbomb cause its fuckin IMPOSSIBLE TAE BEND YER LEGS WHEN YE SUFFOCATE THEM WAE DENIM. But aye......he spine bustered n powerbombed Del Rio, and nae cunt will ever give anything looking, tasting or smelling like a fuck when it comes tae an Alberto Del Rio vs Batista feud.

Big Show comes oot and does a really shite Paul Heyman impression. Well I seen mixed reviews for it across various social media outlets. Safe to say the people of MySpace went WILD fur it, cause the people of MySpace are a figment out our collective imaginations. I fuckin hated it tbh, and wis glad when the real Paul Heyman came oot and made it stop. The whole thing is designed for Brock Lesnar tae appear on RAW again, and not say any words, which is fine by me. Anything that isnae flinging cunts aboot and daein a weird high pitched scream, isnae somethin Brock Lesnar needs tae be daein. He kids on he's comin down for a fight, but he's pullin wur pissers! no the nights guys n gals, if ye wantae see a Giant Baby fight a man with a cinder block for a head, yer gonnae have tae see it in yer dreams. Haud on a minute but! Show finally gets Lesnar doon for a fight by coming at his faimly of all things! 
"Here Brock...away hame n tell yer wife The Sable Bomb isnae even sare!" he bellows and Brock gets that wide eyed look aboot him.
"The Sable Bomb is so sare!" he whispers intae Heymans ear as Heymans lovingly strokes his back and goes "I know Brock...I know" and doon comes Brock for a scrap! a brief stramash ends with Brock being dumped over the ropes, and the big yin isnae happy in the slightest with this turn of events. So he...eh.....pulls the monitors oot fae the announce table. He then ignores Heymans pleas of "He's had enough! the desk has had enough" and leathers it wae a chair for a bit, before trying to sneak in and batter Show wae the chair after Heyman distracted him, only for Show tae block that attempt anaw. This aw seems a wee bit pointless tae ye? me tae, so imagine my surprise when General Manager of RAW Mick Foley came out and announced that the Lesnar vs Show match at the Rumble would now be a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH between Lesnar, Show and the recently assaulted Announce Table.


No really btw...Foley husnae been GM for years and 9 times out of 10, tables tend tae be shite wrestlers. Cannae believe ye actually bought that man. Whit a team of suckers. Lesnar v Show should be braw right enough. I'm just no a huge fan of the buildup cause Shows face these days makes me feel sad on the inside.

A real Bad News Barrett segment! this time its backstage and the bad news he has is fur wee AJ. Barrett tells her the reason naecunt came tae her "Longest Reigning Divas Champion Ever!" party is that naecunt likes her, cause she smells like Pears, and thats the least delightful fruit tae be smellin like. She reacts tae this news by slingin her cake at Tamina, and then she slowly eats it aff her face...I mean whit? Tamina looked angry...thats whit I meant.

AJ and Tamina vs The Funkadactyls

Too short again. Much like Woods vs Fandango, this could easily have been gid if it was given any time, but we seem tae be determined tae dedicate at least half an hour of every show tae recaps, redundant build up shite and Bawtista. Naomi pinned AJ. AJ gret. Jerry Lawler sat at ringside muttering "if only she was 10 years younger" under his breath. End of story.

YASSSSS Somethin I gie a fuck aboot for the first time since the DBry and Bray stopped talking. WHEN THEY SAY UCE...YOU BITCHES BETTER SAY OH! OR SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL THUMP YOU.

The Usos vs Harper and Rowan

As glad I was tae see this happening after about an hour and half of nothingness, its bad news when a match ye've seen about 50 times in the past 3 months gets yer boaby staunin to attention. A damning verdict on how much of a snoozer this RAW had been. Listen but, the troops gave us an entertaining wee match, we had us some flyin Usos. We had Rowan flingin cunts aboot as usual. We had Jimmy or Jey delivering some earth diddy dismantling chops tae Harper, and a cheeky wee superkick aimed at his belly tae follow. Jey or Jimmy then delivers some hella hard shots tae Harpers jaw. These are meaner Usos that we've become accustomed too, and I'm intae it. Harper starts tae return the favour, and all of a sudden the match started tae resemble the outside of a Wetherspoons after the hard drinking madness that's commonly known as "Fish Friday" Cunts were beltin each other, then Harper took JimmyorJeys jaw clean aff wae a big boot. Rowan and an Uso exchange forearms, before the Uso in question gets sent flying intae the barricade aff the top rope. Before we were treated for a wee mid match delight. Bray stauns up fae his rocking chair, finishes eating the plate of bears eyeballs he wis snackin on, n informs the crowd that the battering The Usos were receiving is a similar battering tae the one DBry was in for at the Rumble.
We're informed by Micheal Cole that the current Uso flying about is Jey, and he takes Rowan aff the apron with a stoatin superkick, before the other yin his Rowan wae some flyin Uso action. Jey tries the same thing on Harper but gets caught square on the jaw wae some ultra sareness in the form of a clenched fist. Harper looks tae be closing in on the win when he nails a Michinoku Driver but Johnny kicks oot at 2. Causing Bray to stand up n go "ehhh....whit?" and amid all the confusion Daniel Bryan runs oot and KICKS FUCK OOTAE SOME CUNTS.
POW tae the back of Brays heid. SCUD tae Rowans jaw. Back tae Bray slingin MAD RIGHTS at his temple and whilst aw the madness was happening, and Uso rolls up Harper for the win. USOS ON A ROLL BABY. I'M CAPITALISING THINGS CAUSE I'M EXCITED...SUE ME.

Randy Orton vs Kofi Kingston

This is why RAW was flat. This right here. For me the beginning and the end are the two most vital segments in making a wrestling show a success, and for this weeks RAW, ye could brainwash me fur fuckin years wae Pro Orton and Pro Batista propaganda, tae the point that the only sentences I'm capable of stringing together are "I hear voices in my head" and "I walk alone" and I STILL widnae have gied a fuck about either segment. Pile of uninspiring baws. As much as I enjoyed Kofi beating the nae eyed cunt last week, I had nae interest in seeing this shit again, unless the belts were on the line, n Kofi wis gonnae be taking them aff the cunt, so he could drop them tae Daniel Bryan, or mibbe even Antonio Cesaro at the Rumble, but we had nae belts on the line, so therefore I gied nae fucks. Not a single one. The match wis fine like. Orton done some suplexin, Kofi performed some high fliyin n backsliding, and Orton continually asked where John Cena wis. WHERE ART THOU CENA! was the cry. Kofi blocks yon middle rope DDT wae the SOS, and it looks like he's heading for another clean win but Blandy kicks oot. Much respect tae my man Mike Chioda throughout this match btw. Keeps Ortons hair pullin tae a minimum, and makes sure his chinlocks lasted no more than 25 minutes at a time.

CENA'S HERE GUYS! DONT DESPAIR, THIS PISH WONT GO ON MUCH LONGER.

Kofi clung on tae Ortons leg, like you used tae cling on tae yer maws leg when she meets her pal up the toon, and her pal caws ye a wee cheeky face. Kofi isnae being a shy kinda guy but, hes haudin his leg tae give Cena enough time tae reach the ring. THEY'RE IN CAHOOTS! oh man, never have i been more excited for a ....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

So fuck. Cena chases him through the crowd and has an AA attempt blocked. So fuck. Orton runs away. So fuck. Orton runs clean oot the building, and Cena wanders aboot asking folk if they're awrite. So fuck. Orton jumps in a motor and escapes. So fuck. Cena makes his way back through the building lookin dejected. So fuck.

So fuck.

RAW wis average. Awful opening and closing segments, with a braw 6 man tag match, and some excellent work between Daniel Bryan, aw the Wyatts and The Usos.

5.5 Superman Punches oota 10. That'll dae ye. x





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