If yer thinking to yersell thats an overly positive way of looking at things, and it probably wont pan out that way...well....yer spot on. It wont pan out that way. But what are we without hope? It often falls on Daniel Bryan or CM Punk to close RAW and Smackdown, so surely that's recognition of how much interest those two guys hold with the majority of their audience, even if they aren't currently in the title picture.
Daniel Bryan is certainly involved in something intriguing right now, with his allegiance to the decidedly beardy Wyatt clan, but with the group still sitting winless since Bryan joining them, and Bray hitting more Sister Abigails on wee DBry than anycunt else in the company, all isnae quite well with the boys. They were looking tae iron out the kinks when they took on Rikishis boayz the boldest Usos in the opener this week...
Bray Wyatt and Daniel Bryan vs The Usos
After kicking fuck out Jimmy and Jey on Smackdown, Bray and DBry were looking to finish the job. I dunno whit that might entail really. Ye get the feeling that Bray is a bawhair away fae straight up eating folk at the best of times, but the early stages of the match seemed tae point towards him and DBry settling fur battering yer Usos. DBrys offence has a more brutal edge to it these days, as he kicks things off by trying his level best tae pull Jimmy or Jeys nostrils clean aff, before dropping a knee on his windpipe whilst he lay spark out on the apron. DBry keeps on wae the almost feverish offence, before Jimmy or perhaps it mighta been Jey turns roon and kicks him in the side of the heid. Solid strategy ma man, folk tend no tae like gettin kicked in the heid. In comes the other Uso for some belly kickin and Samoan Droppin, before he launches himsell erse first intae DBrys face, n then he dumped both him and Bray tae the outside, and called his brerr intae the ring so we had us some flyin Usos. Baith the boayzies go up top tae flying heidbutt some Wyatts, but Harper and Rowan get in amongst it and thats that. Usos win by DQ, and even manage tae avoid Harper and Rowans attempts tae gie them a doin afterwards, as Jimbo or the Jeyster ducks under Rowans big splash attempt int he corner, and catches DBry wae a cheeky superkick on the road oot.
So whit part of this is DBrys fault I hear ye ask? as Bray paces about the ring lookin raging. DBrys the new guy I spose and before he joined up, the Wyatts were toein everycunts baws so I suppose its only right that they at him as the man tae blame, but hes yer brother man! nae need tae keep hittin him err the napper wae Sister Abigail. Dbry offers himself up for punishment though, and big Bray duly obliges.
Damien Sandow vs John Cena
This is where folks frustrations wae WWE become more understandable right enough, cause Sandow wis given the MITB briefcase and then seemingly every effort wis made from then on tae bury the cunt. His cash in 3 months earlier on an injured Cena was one of the most emotionally charged matches on RAW in years, and even him losing made sense to me at the time. Providing that Sandow wis gonnae get a proper main event push and he would wind up taking the title off Cena cleanly.
That didnae happen though, and Sandow has since challenged unsuccesfully for the IC Belt, and tried tae cancel Christmas. This match wis a wee chance at redemption I suppose. A wee chance tae at leas thrust himself intae the limelight once again, in what wid inevitably be a losing effort. Fuckin braw match so it wis. Hate Cena for as many reasons as ye like, but if one of them is him being a shite wrestler, then ye've no got a clue. Wee armdrag takedown early on lets ye know that Jan Seenah is FUR REAL. Sandow responds by stomping aw err Cenas perfectly square hairdo in the corner, and laying some knees intae his ribs, before Cena hits back wae a wee bitta 5 knuckle shufflin. Sandow fights out of an AA attempt, and reverses it intae a move which I dont know the name of, but I'm gonnae caw it the superstar pullback dropslam, cause this is my review, n I'll dae whit the fuck I want. Cena launches Sandow 5 feet in the air and catches him wae a necbkreaker, then hits a tornado DDT. No bad for a shite wrestler. Cena gets a 2 count aff that, and seems surprised that Damien Sandow kicked ootae a fuckin tornado DDT. Of course he did ya dickpiece, he's Damien Sandow. Yer no in there wae Jamie Noble or suhin. Sandow reverses an AA attempt intae a sunset flip for a sneaky near fall. Sandow has his attempt at You're Welcome reversed intae the STF, but he valiantly gets tae the ropes, and fires right intae a crossface, a move made famous by no one in wrestling ever, certainly no one fae Canada who won a shiny belt at WM20. Cena looks like he's about tae tap out, but then I realised we were still on this planet, and that wid be impossible, so Sandow found himself on Cenas shoulders moments later and AA'd so hard ye could hear his spine go "aw fuck" on the way doon. Game, set and beautiful match.
Cena gies his da a big cuddle efter it, cause the bold yin was at a ringside, and then we cut tae break as Sandow exited the ring and and stuck his saliva coated pinky finger in Cenas da's ear. Nae need tae be a sore loser Damo, ye done gid. Its better than gettin oversized candy canes broke err yer back by Mark Henry is it no?
Brad Maddox and Kane exchange the cheekiest of verbals backstage. Brad sweats so profusely, even Kanes drawers are wringin. Kane disnae like huvin wet drawers, and he's even less pleased wae the situation when Braddox tells him of his idea tae put DBry and Bray in a cage match wae The Usos for the nights main event tae finally settle this wee rivalry, and Kane gets so amped aboot the whole thing he adds a mugfi ah pish intae the already saturated undergarment situation. Kane says that he'll be padlockin the cage door shut anaw, and Bradleys aw lit that "thats your prerogative big fella, I've got knickers tae sniff" n he scurries away tae sniff the knickers of yer maw and/or sister.
The Big Show vs Jack Swagger
Show wis in a nappy 3 weeks ago, and now hes flingin Real Americans aboot lit empty suitcases. Shoves and clotheslines galore on Swagger, followed by a big shoulder tackle, and a chokeslam and that wis that. Ye heard a sqwashin jabbers? well this wis SKWASHIN SWAGGERS. Then he grabbed Zeb by the throat, and stared lovingly intae his terrified auld eyes, before knockin him the fuck out. I think he spat in his mooth and called him a cow anaw, but I cannae be sure of that. Thats between Big Show, Zeb and the man upstairs.
Batista VT. He chats aboot stayin oot his way. If only that wis an option ya big veiny heided diddy ride.
The Shield vs Punk and The Outlaws
Didnae like this match on Smackdown tbh. The pace wis aw wrang and I didnae really buy intae it this time either, until the double cross happened. Before that we had some decent stuff, in particular a nice wee exchange between Billy Gunn and Rollins, prompting a "New Age Outlaws" chant that sounded a lot like "you cant wrestle" which isnae an insult ye could ever really aim at either of these cunts is it? After that Punk spends a gid while gettin his shit ruined by various Shield boayz, before finally seeming tae turn the tide and look towards The Outlaws for a tag, then yer Outlaws lived up tae that name and stopped bein catchphrase ridden cuddly veterans and actually turned heel. In 2014. With one jump aff the apron, the New Age Outlaws appeared tae book their auld pal Trips in a WM match wae CM Punk. Leaving Punk tae catch a second rib dislodging spear aff Reigns in the space of a fortnight tae give The Shield the win.
The Shield then proved that once again they're a team of bad bastards when they came back tae Triple Powerbomb Punk intae next Julaugust.
Reigns hit a braw flying dropkick from the floor tae the apron on Punk during the match anaw, and he landed on the apron for good measure, cause Roman Reigns is the da. You're da, ma da. Everyones da.
Tamina and AJ vs The Funkadactyls
Tamina and AJ are a pair of magnificent specimens int they? I mean its well documented that I want Tamina tae stick the heid oan me, but AJ seems tae get brawer by the week tae me. Before I got why other folk were intae it, but I wisnae really that intae it myself, but now? I dunno man. Her cutesy psychotic tendencies get me aw manners of excited. The match was decent anaw, although as usual not given enough time for any storytelling tae unfold. Tamina dumps Cameron ontae the top rope, and kicks her ribs ootae her ribs, before ragdollin her for a minute and tagging AJ in. AJ and Tamina take shots each at battering Cameron before AJ kicks Camerons temple clean oot her skull for the win. Her and big lassie Diesel then take turns tae leather poor wee Cameron, before Naomi jumps in and does yon flying arse smash on AJ and sends the two of them packing.
Randy Orton shoutin at Kane in a suit. This is yer champion of champions guys, and he's a moanin faced, nae eyed cunt. Aw it takes is a wee look at this cunt and his gormless melt tae piss aw over my probably misplaced enthusiasm for the future, cause as long as he's alive and has all 4 limbs, he'll probably be boring the shite ootae us in main events tae he's in his mid 50s. Orton wid later reveal that he thought he wis talkin tae John Lauranitis the whole time cause he's NAE FUCKIN EYES. Thats the joke there. He couldnae see who it wis, n cause it wis a tall cunt in a suit, he assumed it wis Johnny Ace. Fuckin banter n that.
The Ultimate Warrior is revealed as the next inductee intae the WWE hall of fame. If ye ask my maw about wrestling, she'd jist say the names "Hulk Hogan, Undertaker and THEEE ULTIMITT WARREEEEURRR" tae ye cause I used tae gibber on about they three cunts so much, so that tells ye aw ye need tae know about how young Martin felt about yer Ultimate Warrior. Mature Martin choses tae ingore the fact that he wisnae a very good wrestler, because he blethered some heavy drug addled sounding brawness on the mic, and he had the best entrance in the history of people entering hings. So I'm still mildly enthused aboot this, and I think you should be too. Warrior was one of the main cunts when it came to paving the way for similarly deranged cunts making a name for thersells in the business, so that makes him A-OK in my book. If cunts like Sunny and the bold Koko B.Ware are Hall of Famers, then Warrior is more than deserving.
Renee Young huvin a wee chat wae Paul Heyman backstage. Repeats that stupid fuckin "Eat, Sleep, Conquer, Repeat" patter that Brock Lesnar wears oan t-shirts these days. If you're a cunt that has bought/wid buy such a t-shirt, then yer probably ok wae racism, or charging the elderly full price fur the bus. You are whits wrang wae the world. Heyman says he isnae impressed by Show flinging Jack Swagger aboot, nor wis he impressed by him knocking Zeb Colter out, and Brock Lesnar is gonnae knock that pubey goatee clean aff his face at The Rumble.
Randy Orton vs Kofi Kingston
Ye fuckin whit? haud the bus a minute, Randy Orton done whit? nah surely no? Randy Orton fuckin.....whit? he really done? NAW! I cannae even wrap ma....awww fuck.
For the first time since Daniel Bryan officially left the title picture, Randy Orton wis a part of something on Monday Night RAW that I wisnae completely indifferent tae. Looks, tastes and smell like yer usual Orton midcard RAW match. Decent enough tae watch, but incredibly boring at the same time. Usual story for ma man Kofi. High octane stuff that almost always leads tae his shoulders pinned tae a mat for 3 seconds, BUT NOT THIS TIME! Orton knocked Kofis cunt in for the most part, but Kofi keeps kickin out. Backdrop on the barrier, superplex, DDT. Aw the usual Orton shite, but Kofi kept gettin the shoulder up. A series of chinlocks are chucked in there anaw, cause sometimes Ortons brain ceases tae function and he needs tae pit cunts in a chinlock tae it starts back up again. Orton goes for yon DDT then Kofi hits the SOS ootae naeplace for the clean win! Un-fuckin-real. KOFI KINGSTON PINNED BLANDY SNORETON CLEAN. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING. PRAISE JESUS.
If losing clean tae Kofi Midcardston didnae make him look weak enough, he hilariously shot intae a wee tantrum afterwards then decided tae batter John Cenas da at ringside. Aye ye heard me right, same hing he done 5 years ago, cept instead of puntin the poor bastard in the skull, he slung some weak lookin right hands in his general direction before being pulled away by security. Cena rushes oot and tries tae act concerned, after a brief game ah chasies wae Orton, but concerned on Cenas face looks a lot like surprised, wae shades of "I really fuckin hope Nikki isnae makin roast beef the night...stupid cow always overdoes it" I'll no get on his case too much fur being pish at acting, he clearly has bigger problems than that.
The Rhodzies vs Rybaxel
After causing a bit of a stir on the Twitter wae various pictures of his left baw wae a tash drawn on it, Ryback returned tae a place where naecunt gied a flying fuck about anything he does. The wrestling ring. This was a decent wee match right enough, mainly cause Cody and Goldy looked stronger than a strong hing. Goldy and Axel have thersells a braw wee exchange tae kick things off, wae aw the armdrags, uppercuts and atomic drops fae Goldy ye could shake a shitty stick at. Ryback gets in and asks Goldy for a wee strength test, but Goldy smacks the taste out his gub instead and tags the bold Cody in. Rywank no sells a moonsault fae Cody cause hes an arsehole. Goldy and Ryback battle it out for a bit, the highlight of that exchange wis Goldy shoutin "ITS NO EVEN SARE!" at Ryback when he had him in a particularly loose looking chinlock, before Axel and Cody both get tagged in. Springboard dropkick fae Cody is followed by a disaster kick tae Ryback on the apron. Axel tries a cheeky rollup, but Cody kicks out at 2, and reverses Axels attempt at yon shite jaunty neckbreaker thing he uses for a finish intae the CRASS RHOOOODES fur the win. Nice tae see Goldy n Cody actually win a non title match for a change eh, still cannae see them having the belts for much longer though. It fuckin HAS tae be brerr vs brerr at Mania, or I dont know whit life even is anymare.
Berty Naebelts vs Rey Mysterio
A wee VT plays before the match of Rey saying he's gonnae win the Rumble. Jist you simmer Rey ma man.
Decent wee match this. Del Rio dodges a 619 attempt early on but gets hit wae a seated senton instead. Del Rio gets tae workin on Reys wee airm, cause his finisher is the cross armbreaker and he's the ultimate master of wrasslin strategy. The high priest of logical wrasslin thinking. The man, the myth, the legend. Rey reverses an Alabama Slam attempt intae the 619, but Berty draps him baws first on the turnbuckle when he went tae drop the dime and barely a minute later, Rey wis tappin oot and singing showtunes as the band played sweet Cross Armbreakin music.
Del Rio gets on the mic and screams at Batista. BATISTA AINT HERE BRAH, CALM DOWN. God almighty, if this is gonnae be a Del Rio v Batista feud efter neither of them wins the the Rumble, I might actually jump aff a cliff. No even kiddin.
Punk tells Kane that he's no very happy aboot what turned out tae be a 5 on 1 handicap match earlier in the night, n lies the blame solely at Triple Hs door. Kane is upset that Punk interrupted his pedicure and sets Punk oan fire. Then tells him he's in the Rumble.
Bray Wyatt and Daniel Bryan vs The Usos (Steel Cage Match)
Bray gies us an indicator of how brutal this shit wis bound tae be by launching an Uso intae the cage right away. He follows that up slingshottin the same Uso intae the cage, at least I hink its the same wan, for all I know its been one really fast guy aw along, that jist appears tae be in two places at once. Until I see an Uso vs Uso showdown, I'll never been fully convinced theres two of them. Dbry lifts Jimmy or Jey on tae the cage but there isnae enough pep behind it, and Jimmy or Jey uses DBry as a springboard tae get climbin. DBry catches him and they exchange rights, before Bray finally drags the unruly Uso back intae the ring. We have us a flyin Uso, as one of them launches himself at Bray, while DBry kicks the living shite oot the other yin in the corner. The boldest Dbry tries his escape, but The Usos (or the one existing Uso depending on yer perception) hit him wae a double backdrop.
Bray sets up an Uso fur some Sister Abigail, but the other yin breaks it up wae a stoater of a superkick, and The Usos decide tae get their tandem climb on. DBry and Bray catch them, but wae a shimmy and a shake fae each Uso they're both sent flying, and The Usos jump oot the cage for their second win over The Wyatts tonight. Braw wee match, that told a story in its own right, but then the real story unfolded...
The camera pans tae Bray Wyatt who gives it yon demonic stare, as he cackles in the direction of Daniel Bryan. This time Bryans looks is not a contrite one. There isnae a hint of fear of what wis about tae come, cause with the door padlocked shut, keeping Harper and Rowan out the equation, DBry finally had what he wanted. A chance in a one-on-one environment tae scud Bray Wyatts furry jaw. Initially it looks like the same story as the past two weeks right enough, with DBry seemingly ready to surrender himself to the advances of Sister Abigail, but naw. This story would meet a very different end. As Bray gets set tae deliver Sister Abigail, Bryan pulls away at the last minute, and surveys his surroundings. A whole arena in unison chanting his name, urging him tae hear THEIR truth. That truth being that Daniel Bryan is the most over cunt in wrestling right now, perhaps all time. Bray sinks to his knees and urges Bryan tae "come ahead". DBry is reticent tae begin wae, so Bray calls him a coward and a "no good yella bellied lily livered toad" before he rushes at Dbry, only for the bold yin tae dodge him and hit oot wae some dropkicks. Multiple belly kicks followed by the roundhouse wis next on the menu, then aff comes the boiler suit and DBrys heel turn was no more. A 2 week tease that was designed solely tae infitrate The Wyatts tae get their leader one on one at some point, and it fuckin worked. Both Harper and Rowan try tae climb in n help Bray, but DBry flings Bray at them and knocks them back down tae the floor. Theres still time fur him tae deliver a flying knee tae Brays melt, knocking every single tooth clean oot his gub, before they landed perfectly in DBrys top pocket tae take hame as a souvenir of his time as a Wyatt. The YES! chants rang out long intae the night as DBry made his way tae the top of the cage tae enjoy the mother of aw the pops. This is the kinda shit Jake The Snake SHOULD have got last week. People making noise n that, as opposed tae bored weans picking their snottery beaks and askin where Broadus Clay is.
A lot of folk urnae intae this angle ending as quickly as it did, but for me aw it does is add a wee devious edge tae Bryan that hes always lacked as a face. He wis bold enough tae become a Wyatt and wait for his chance tae get Bray alone, before double crossing him and that just adds an extra wee layer tae his already rich character. Having said that, if it disnae lead tae a Royal Rumble win and subequent title win for our main man, or at least a memorable feud then WM match wae Bray, the whole thing will have been a pile of pointless shite. PUSH DBRY TAE THE FUCKIN MOON. DAE IT. DAE IT NOW.
Overall I thought it wis a right gid RAW. Sandow v Cena wis braw. Both Wyatts vs Usos matches were gid anaw, and the story both of those segments told wis braw. Wisnae a fan of Show squashin Swagger, and as much as I enjoyed Kofi beating Orton, it didnae make much sense tae me, other than giving Orton something tae be angry at John Cenas da aboot. So aye. 7 tiger suplexes oota 10. Thats another RAW in the books boaysies. How did ye rate it yersell Giant Gonzalez ma man?
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