So I haven't reviewed Impact in a while, and there are many reasons for this. Namely the preservation of my sanity, but also personal shit. So please excuse my lack of knowledge regarding what in the name of Christ is going on, if its related to anything in the past 4 weeks, I wont have a clue (besides Magnus winning the belt) I do plan on catching up on what I missed, because apparently I hate myself, but I wont be catching u today so I will press on with the review, blissfully unaware. Hoping that somehow Impact has broken out of this funk of looking, smelling and feeling like a bad reality show which occasionally puts on wrestling matches. I expect disappointment though. Infact no...I CRAVE disappointment.
Go away. Stop talking. Shut up. No. Thats what continually plays in my head when Dixie Carter says words. She's offering AJ Styles a one night only contract to face Magnus for the TNA Title. AJ still has his title see, and Magnus has one now, so they cant both have them! that would be silly. The match will be No DQ. Dixie Carter has to go away. For the love of god...go away.
AJ gets on the mic too, and as much as I like AJ in the ring, his words fill me with sadness. I believe none of it. The belt has never meant more than when AJ defended it in other promotions seemingly. Who cares? really. Magnus comes out to say words next. I feel its important to remind people that Magnus' accent doesn't exist. He made it up. It belongs to no region in any known world. Magnus wants AJ to know that he wont be calling him a paper champion anymore. This is the worst thing I've ever seen. Probably not, but it feels like it right now. Awful dialogue, poorly delivered, by charicatures masquerading as wrestlers.
The Bro-Mans vs Joseph Park
Was supposed to be a tag match, but Eric Young had to go backstage to help ODB, who was on the receiving end of a beating from Lei'D Tapa and Gail Kim. I thought Abyss was back? why is he JoPo again? Either way, this was exactly what you'd expect. Bro-Mans start strong, JoPo rallies, Bro-Mans win eventually. Then they slam JoPo on a guardrail. I'm not sure if anything in the last 4 weeks has led to this heinous attack, but I do know that it hurts how much I didn't care..
Samoa Joe warns Dixie Carter that she better not be planning any shenanigans for the Title match later, or he's going to make her nephew bleed. I suggest Dixie notifies local authorities about this threat. Sounds serious. Family first. Then safety. Then teamwork.
Gunner and James Storm exchanging promos in the ring. Why don't they just wrestle? its not like either of them are great on the mic. Storm is ok, occasionally hilarious, but Gunner is nothing. A non entity. He does have a good beard though. Oh and apparently Storm thinks the main thing that splits tag teams up is the World Title. The first thing that should have split these two up is having no in ring chemistry whatsoever. Gunner accepts a match with Storm for his briefcase which contains a World Title shot for...some reason.
EC3 vs Samoa Joe
Here's a positive change from the past few weeks I haven't seen, EC3 appears to be taking on real wrestlers! and they don't come much more legit than Samoa Joe. The match does start with EC3 attacking Joe in the back though, before Joe throws some rights in his direction and all of a sudden we're in the ring and a match has begun. This is the nephew of Dixies that Joe was referring to earlier btw, incase anyone hasn't connected those dots. EC3 is an excellent worker, and the character isn't the worst thing about TNA right now, I just hated the weeks of jobber squashing, and occasional referee pinning. This was a proper wrestling match. A dazzling array of kicks and chops for Joe, are followed by valiant attempts from EC3 to take the big man off his feet.....and then, like all good things TNA do these days, it all came to a shuddering halt. Rockstar Spud emerges and grabs Joes leg, Joe goes after him and EC3 cracks Joe with a wrench. Game over.
Angle tries to justify issuing an open steel cage challenge a week before what he calls "the biggest match of his career" in the steel cage against Roode. "what better way to prepare than with a steel cage match tonight?" he ponders. I dunno mate, try rest. Try getting a right good stretch on. Try absolutely anything that isnt a steel cage match which could potentially injure/main you. An open challenge too. Imagine if Godzilla answered it? or Iron Man? exactly.
Sting finds Gunner and James knocked out backstage and immediately shouts at Dixie Carter, who happens to be standing around 20 odd feet away. He accused her of trying to take out AJs potential allies. Dixie tells him to step his bellyachin and get ready for his match. Sting is like "you're not very nice!" and she's like "I know"
Kurt Angle vs Bad Influence (Steel Cage Match)
Roode comes out to open the challenge, but he's only there to bring out his pals Bad Influence. Handicap cage match! what a brilliant idea. So one could have Angle in a chinlock and the other could just step out the door eh? game over. These things never quite pan out the obvious way though do they? The match starts with Bad Influence driving Angle into the cage, and generally doing a number on his jaw with various moves. Angle manages a near fall on Daniels, before turning round and catching a lariat from Kaz. Then a sequence occurred which reminded you why Angle is still one of the best. A flurry of clotheslines on Daniels and Kaz, followed by a belly to belly on Kaz, then 2 German Suplexes on Daniels, before ducking a clothesline from Kaz and hitting him with a German. Then another Belly to Belly on Daniels, and a final German on Kaz. All of this felt like it happened in about 15 seconds. Unreal from Angle. He follows that up with a German Suplex throw on Kaz as he tries to climb out of the cage, which sent him flying into his tag partner. One Angle Slam on Kaz later and its all done. This was actually a little better than I thought it would be, although aside from a couple of spots, there wasn't much of a need for it to be in the case. Bit of a squash on Bad Influence too, as Angle disposed of the best tag team in the company with relative ease. It was good wrestling wise though, and at this stage, thats all I ask of TNA. Give me some decent wrestling and help keep the last remnants of my sanity alive.
Bobby Roode vs Sting (Steel Cage Match)
Excellent match. Why it was happening was really beyond me though. Dixie wants Sting taken out of the equation for the World Title match, but considering pretty much all of AJs other allies have been taken out (and bizarrely Kurt Angle had been rushed to the airport by Al Snow, for no reason whatsoever) I doubt Sting would be able to stop whatever plans she had in place on his own. Match was good though. Some shoulderblocks start us off, and a hiptoss from Sting, before the Stinger Splash is blocked by a big boot from Roode. He then hits a suplex and decides to just open the cage door and walk out. Sound strategy really, it takes 5 second to open a door and walk out, but he's caught by Sting. Spinebuster from Roode is followed by an attempt to climb out of the cage this time, but Sting catches him aagin and sends him head first into the case a couple of times. Stinger splash connects, but the attempt to finish the job with the Scorpion Deathlock is blocked with an eyerake. He has no such luck blocking the Scorpion Deathdrop though, and this time the attempt at thr Scorpion Deathlock is a success. Looks like game over for Roode, before TNA done that thing again, where you're enjoying something that goes on in their show and they shit all over it. EC3 and Spud come down, EC3 climbs the cage to distract the ref and Sting, whilst Spud throws a baton through one of the holes cut out of the cage for camera angles. Roode nails Sting with the baton, and walks out the cage.
I dont know if this is supposed to be hilarious, I truly don't, but it was by far and away my favourite part of the show. A segment between Bully Ray and Ken Anderson in the same church that Ken and his buddies held the "wake" for the Aces and Eights. Bully sits in the back of the church as Ken enters and Ken states that he can see Bully, confirming that he does in fact have eyes. They go on the exchange dialogue which involved Bully telling Ken that his loneliness will devour Anderson or something, and that he would set the whole world on fire if he came any closer (he had a lighter and lighter fluid in his hands, although it has to be a match right? if you set lighter fluid on fire with a lighter, you'd have to be close enough to it that it would burn you a bit too surely? maybe TNA are endorsing these lighters, who knows) and he finishes off by saying its ironic that they'll have a match at Genesis which means beginning, when Anderson will meet his end. Oh and he tells him he left something for Anderson in the coffin (the same one from weeks ago it would seem, so apparantely this church was built and maintainted solely for that one ceremony) and Anderson looks in to see....A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH. Anderson picks it up, looks towards Bully who seems to have VANISHED, and he eats the sandwich in a ponderous fashion. What is this thing we call life? he ponders aloud. What is it indeed Kenny my man. What is it indeed.
Magnus vs AJ Styles (TNA Title Match)
On paper I was looking forward to the match. As much as Magnus repulses me on the mic, he's turned himself into an excellent wrestler over the past few years, and AJs in ring ability has never been in question. Its a shame this was turned into an almighty mess. Magnus is reluctant to get things going, then EC3 and Spud came down because apparently their mission statement for tonights Impact is to ruin it all. By "it all" I don't mean this episode of Impact, I mean life in general. AJ catches some right hands from Spud while on his knees (bringing him to around Spuds height) before Sting runs in and lays them both out. This means AJ and Magnus can wrestle for a while! praise the lord. AJ kicks Magnus a bit, until he tumbles out of the ring and then THE BRO MANS and DJ ZEMA emerged, and I just dont know anymore. I really wanted to swear there, because this is f*****g ridiculous. (wait...does that count as swearing? I meant funneling ;) ) They could have at least had Magnus and AJ work a decent 10 minute match before all the run-ins, but this was nothing more than an idiotic stramash of bodies. The Bro Mans take sting out, before attacking AJ while EC3 and Spud take care of Sting BUT STING CLUNKS THEIR HEADS TOGETHER! and rushed back into the ring to help AJ. Despite Magnus having taken next to no offence, and everyone having a shot at AJ, AJ still looks like he's about to hit the Styles Clash but Bad Influence break that up, so for anyone struggling to keep count, that makes it 8 on 2. Earl Hebners decides he's had enough and refuses to be a part of it, so Dixie drags out his son Brian and STOP THIS NOW, PLEASE JUST HAVE WRESTLING MATCHES...sorry, had to get that out before it consumed me. Brian is on the receiving end of some serious pointing and talking from Bad Influence, before somehow AJ and Sting manage to bet the better of all 8 guys. Brian Hebner is taken out, and Earl returns. Just to recap, this was supposed to be a wrestling match between AJ Styles and Magnus. A wrestling match between 2 men has become a conveyor belt of choas.
Roode is the last run-in and he lays AJ out with a lot of firemans carry neckbreakers. Magnus pins him. Thankfully that was it. No more nonsense. No more pain. Until next week anyway.
Overall, both cage matches were passable wrestling wise, and the rest of an almighty mess. So I give Impact 3 atomic drops out of 10 this week, and now I'm going to have a long, and reflective lie down.
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