Davie Curren Gives It To Em RAW

Hey guys, Davie Curren here. You might know me better for my yoga DVDs, but I also occasionally have thoughts about wrestling. So I wrote a redundant review of a wrestling show I only seen a third of, almost a week later, that Marty has already reviewed. Cause I'll tell ye, Davie Curren doesnae dae things by haufs, he does them by thirds, sometimes even sixths.

As far as I recall, the show opened wae Triple H and his bird yappin away aboot such n such. Ehn Stephanie goes tae introduce Randall an his music INTERRUPTS HIS OWN INTRODUCTION. 3 advert breaks later he arrives at the ring and is his usual huffy wee self. He's just a prick man, nae chance this is aw acting. Bet ye when every cunts sittin together in the WWE canteen, heels n faces bein pally, he sits wae triple h greetin aboot how he has tae eat the same grub as evdy else. Anyway, Steph seamlessly mentions the wwe network in a delicate, subtle manner, gently reminding us that it is the first streaming service of its kind and is one of the biggest things to ever happen in this business. So the teams bletherin away tae each other about all the great deals available in the WWE store when WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA.

Wee bit a context here: I wisnae intae wrestling the whole time Batista wis in it, so everything that is about to happen is new tae me, and will thus be reviewed with a completely open, unbiased mind.

EEEEEAAAAAAGGGCHHHHHHH. I WALK FOR MILES INSIDE THIS PIT OF DANGER! THIS MASSIVE CUNT HAS THE BEST SONG. COULD THIS GET ANY BET- OH MY GOD HES KIDDIN OAN HIS HAUNS ARE MACHINE GUNS AND THERES FIREWORKS GOIN OFF. THIS CUNT IS MA FAVOURITE.

I see a lot of criticism comin his way cause of his skinny jeans, but I've no really got a leg tae stand on there, I cannae really have any digs at the cunt. I can have a dig fur the snooze fest word exchange that came after THE GREATEST ENTRANCE EVER. I fast forwarded through it.

Xavier Woods vs. Fandango

My V+ box is actin up cause it fast forwarded through this by itself or suhin. Barely had time to hear k-kwik spout catchphrases on commentary, cunt has barely sat doon! Fandango won, or suhin. Who cares.

Next, we had a segment, and instead of describing it I'm going to quote from the excruciating conversation I had when my dad asked whit wis happening.

'Whit is happenin?'

'That guys comin doon tae apologise tae him for attacking him'

'Who attacked who'

'Thats Kane, he attacked the other boay, Punk'

'Undertaker's brer? Where's his mask?'

'Well he's meant tae work for the actual company now so he wears a suit n that and he attacked punk a few days ago and he shouldnae huv because he's a director of the company or suhin and shouldn't be hurting the talent'

Then my da vowed never tae wth wrestling again. So he missed ma main man Punk attacking Kane McMahon and Kane announcing that since he can't fight him, he'll need to fight one of THESE GUYS.

CM Punk vs. Road Dogg OR Billy Gunn

This wee New Age Outlaws resurgence is like when JD finally got Elliot and realised he didnae want her. This is the culmination of all my hopes and dreams and it's just awrite. Wae a bit a luck this all builds up to some kinna JBL beef, maybe Road Dogg steals his commentary spot? Cause let me tell ye, the boay is fantastic at the commentating. Funny, concise, no an auld pervert. If this aw culminates in Billy Gunn receiving a clothesline from hell, it's aw been worth it. The poor boay wid split intae two, and the bottom half (wae the crackin erse) could go on to fill in for Dolph Ziggler during his monthly concussion. Anyway, road Dogg and Billy play Rock Paper Scissors and billy goes in tae fight. Which is gid cause he had his ring gear oan, and Road Dogg only had on a pair of baggy joggy bottoms. Events transpired and I cannae mind the finish, somedy won but. Also, The Shield fought the Rhodesters and Big E, it wis braw as per. After it, The Shield boays were up in the crowd, giein it aw the yass patter, and ye hear Seth Rollins shout suhin like 'YEAH, WE ARE THE BEST' or suhin like that, in his whiny wee voice. Yer a great GREAT wrestler n that mate, but don't you go anywhere near a microphone ever. The voice, and also the corny weirdo shit he says, lit some Walt Jr shit.

Then my maw shouted me for my dinner, and when I came back intae the living room my da wis watching You've Been Framed. And that's that eh. Tune in next week when I'll be reviewing entrants 12-22 in the royal rumble.

And I swear to god Martin if you edit any a this I'm takin my review elsewhere. I ken I didn't actually review any wrestling but if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, will not compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it.

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