Brad Maddox emerges to welcome us aw tae this weeks Monday Night RAW, he does his usual and walks down the aisle in the moistest way possible, leaving a trail of of slippery as fuck sweat. This time its for a good reason though, as Vinny Macs music plays, and he slides doon tae the ring on the trail of sweat on his belly like Jurgen Klinsmann celebrating a goal. They both enter the ring, drenched and Vinny remarks on how its "remarkable that Brad has managed to sweat through the stainless steel vest I had made for him" as other equally sweaty men had described it as its ain cooling system. They move on to the more serious business of belittling wee Daniel Bryan, Vince in particular basically calls him "Barry Horowitz without the dashing good looks" and questions his ability to beat John Cena. Vinny actually WANTS him to win right enough, or someone to beat Cena anyway cause he thinks Cena swans aboot like he owns the joint. I find mysell losing the will to give a fuck about Vinces attempt tae crowbar himself intae this feud which wis building nicely on its own, but Daniel Bryan saves it by getting the crowd involved and letting Vince know that they think he's the man fur the joab. Then Dannys tellt he'll face his ex-Besto Kane in a match later in the evening. Kanes first appearance since The Wyatts knocked his cunt in 3 weeks ago.
The Shield vs Mark Henry and The Usos
I was amped as fuck for this. Aw these guys are killing it right now, even if The Shields momentum has waned a wee bit, it was still gonnae be good. Mark Henry is apparently a face now, although is that more down tae the circumstances cause The Shield attacked him and they're heels? I could see him quite easily turning on The Usos if they fuck up, and putting them in the Hall Of Pain. Don't mind him as a face though, cause he's his my favourite cunt right now. Just a remarkable big man so he is. I courted him for a china buffet king and a few pale ales when he's next in Scotland, but he's no got back tae me yet, fingers crossed eh. Anyway, the match is crackin. Fast paced stuff, and everyone looks strong. It descends intae the usual Shield 6 man fare when the ring clears oot, and all that remains is Dean Ambrose and Jimmy Uso (total stab in the dark err, I've nae idea which Uso is which) and Ambrose hits the facebuster for the win. Good to see The Shield, and particularly Ambrose looking strong. Would love to see him feud with Henry at some point.
Next up was a senseless pile of nonsense. Basically we're filming some nondescript employees huvin some buffet, and Ryback smears mashed totties on a guys face before putting him through the table. Whit?
A Wyatt Family promo, followed by Kane asking Brad Sweattox where they are. He mumbles suhin in Swahili, and Kane seems satisfied to leave it at that. Dont be snide Kane, follow the buzzards.
RVD vs Fandango
I really have been intae RVDs work so far since his returned, which wis a shocker; but unless this leads tae a feud where he does end up putting Fandango over, this finish can get tae fuck. Its the second time in a month Fandango has voluntarily taken a count-out anaw which is helpin naecunt. This one is particularly stupid, considering no a lot happens to prompt him to bail. So aye. This can fuck right off. RVD wins via a countout.
AJ vs Kaitlyn (non title match)
These two have had some braw matches together and this was nae different. Quite short, but had a smashin pace to it. Plus see that spear? ooft. Especially when she hits AJ wae it, it just does strange and wonderful things tae my nether regions. So imagine my joy when Kaitlyn hits the spear and gets the win. Without these two the Divas division would be stone dead right now, although some of that problem might be solved by fuckin pushin Natalya sometime in this millennium.
Ziggler comes rushing oot and demands tae wrassle Big E. AJ greets cause 90210 has been cancelled. Ziggler gets his match.
Dolph Ziggler vs Big E
This is exactly how I wanted matches between these 2 to go, I honestly think with the WH belt in the middle this could be a stoater of a feud, and the boys done their case no harm with this match. Another masterclass in selling from Dolph as he takes aw of Big E's raw power moves and makes them look like they were powered by a jet engine. Look at the pace tae Big E's work and compare it to the similarly sized Ryback. I don't hate Rybacks in ring work btw, but there's huge room for improvement and I've seen none of that in the past year. Big E on the other hand seems to improve every week. The match was braw, until AJ jumps in for nae apparent reason. STOP BEIN SO MENTAL. Dolph wins by DQ, and hits the ZigZag on Big E when he isnae looking.
A Dbry and Cena segment backstage. Whilst its always good tae see Daniel, it just felt like mare attempts tae force Vince intae this angle. I'm no a fan of this ataw, could see him gettin properly involved in the match and costing either one of them the belt. Daniel asks if what Vince said was true, about him being a glorified midget jobber, and Cena gies it that usual passionate, kinda vacant look, before saying some words which I cant recall.
Christian vs Alberto Del Rio
Ye ken I'm a honest guy by noo, so I'll tell ye nae lies. I spent the majority of this pacing up and doon the hall awaiting a gid spew sesh. I've been nae well ye see, wee stomach bug. So I'd say I probably seen half of this at the most. It did look good though. I cant recall a bad match Christian has had since his return, so its gid to see him getting a push. He'll likely be involved in the WH Title match at Summerslam after this, as he rolls through ADRs attempt to lock in the cross armbreaker, to get the sneaky pin. A lot of sneaky wee pins these days on RAW, I like it so I dae, puts a lot of focus on the art of mat wrasslin as opposed to yer marquee moves gettin the job done.
Cody Rhodes vs Wade Barrett
I'm a wee bit disappointed in whits happened tae Barrett lately. Even after finding out he supported the Rangers ;) I was still a big fan, and he's been reduced to a glorified jobber since dropping the IC belt. The positives from this particular job, is that it furthers this smashin push Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow are in the middle of getting. I've been a big fan of Cody since day one, and big Sandow won me over a few months ago, so It's been a pleasure to see them break out of mid-card hell and right intae the spotlight feuding with each other. Codys antics on Smackdown when he tossed Sandows MITB briefcase intae the ocean wis some hilarious shit. Anyway, Rhodes gets the win after hitting Cross-Rhodes and big Damien comes oot tae give him an earful. Codys lit that "behave" but the kid refuses. A wee ladder match at Summerslam for the briefcase maybe? as a ladder enthusiast, I can but dream.
Daniel Bryan vs Kane
Well this was just a smashin wee bout. It really goes without saying when it comes tae DBry, and while it wisnae anywhere near the standard him and Cesaro produced last week, it was still a right entertaining wee match. DBry hits Kane with his usual barrage of jaw shattering kicks, and spleen bursting dropkicks but Kane is nae slouch, and has a good wee period of dominance himself, before going for the chokeslam only for DBry to fight out of it roll him up for the pin. Mibbe its down tae The Wyatts messing wae his tortured brain, but Kane takes the huff suhin fierce and chokeslams Bryan after the match. Thought better of ye that that Kane ma man. Ease up wae that petted lip.
Then it all goes dark. It's time. Despite being assured earlier in the night by Maddox that The Wyatts wurnae there, that's proved to be a bare faced lie as the boays set about Kane once again. Stop resisting Kane sir, get The Buzzards followed. He gets hit wae Sister Abigail(Brays finisher, not an actual nun) after Harper and Rowan batter him senseless. I dunno where this is headed, would make sense for Kane to join up with them after a wee feud wae Bray, and having such a seasoned vet in their ranks wid help their credibility, especially if he's taking a backseat and Bray's the leader. Mibbe Taker comes back early next year and tries to "save" his brother and it leads tae Bray vs Taker at WM 30? acht im away wae it noo, that would be great though.
Natalya vs Brie Bella
Kindly take this tae fuck please. Not only did Natalya lose, she lost after being distracted by the hackit Bella blawin intae a kazoo. Utter baws. You deserve better Natalya hen.
Curtis Axel vs R-Truth
A lot of this didnae sit well with me tbh. Just felt like they were trying tae force a Punk v Lesnar promo intae the mix, whilst Axel took a back seat, and he is naewhere near over enough to be the afterthought for his own match. Also he gets on the mic himself, and he's really nae good. Mumbles something about being more Perfect than Perfect, which didnae make sense really, unless he's saying he's better than his da was, which is just total and utter shite. The match with R-Truth was a bit boring, but most matches with R-Truth are, and it ends when Punk comes rushing oot with that mad demented look in his eyes, baying for Heymans blood. Attacking Axel in the process and leading to Axel wining by DQ. Heyman tried tae bolt, but Punk catches him, only for Axel tae put a stop to him gettin his eye blacked. Just didnae see the point in forcing the two things together here really, unless theres a Punk v Axel feud on the horizon.
Bleugh. Why do the Mcmahons n Trips insist on dragging RAW doon these days? yer time's oot guys. Get this shite tae fuck. They were naewhere tae be seen when it was barely watchable during the guest host shite, but now its gid ye cannae get rid of them. Triple H asks Vince if he's finished pulling Maddox' strings and then the rest is white noise cause I dont care.
John Cena vs Ryback (tables match)
Speaking of things I don't care about, this can get tae fuck. I actually enjoyed both of their recent PPV matches btw, but this was by far the worst of the bunch. Nae belt on the line and it was just a series of creative ways tae break tables without actually putting a human through them (or whitever species Ryback might be) Bored the shite oot me (quite literally) and when they two of them faced each other wae ringsteps in their hauns like it wis a fuckin Gladiators episode, I gied up paying attention. Cena eventually won by putting Ryback through a table set up in the corner wae the AA. Much tae everyones delight, Daniel Bryan comes doon afterwards tae his 5th or 6th amazin pop of the night, and grabs Cenas belt, kids on hes handing it to him, only to snatch it away like the cheeky wee midden he is. Cena snatches it for real but and they have a wee stare doon to end the night. Cannae wait for Summerslam, between this and Punk vs Lesnar I'm baws oot n luvin it.
Overall a solid RAW. Wisnae daft on the main event, The Mcmahon segments or Natalya gettin the sharp end of a short stick. Nae Cesaro wisnae good either, but that was placated a bit by the lack of Miz. The rest ranged from braw to passable, so it gets 7.5 Angle Slams oota 10.
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