Phil Collins wis naewhere tae be seen, but you could feel it. You could feel it coming in the air last night. Oh lawd.
That thing ye could feel coming wisnae just The Wyatts, they arrived last week, but the maist perfect of RAWs. Managing to top last weeks belter, and for my money anyway, that amazing RAW after WM29. This was just flawless if ye ask me, from top to bottom. No quite as perfect as ICW T2, but as gid as these American cunts are gonnae get eh.
See if the night begins wae a Brad Maddox/John Cena promo and it actually goes over no bad? the only way is up fae there, unless the next thing is The Miz daein a stand up comedy set where every punchline is just him gaun "really?"
The promo was Brad Maddox telling Cena that cause he's a pure innovative GM (so wis Johnny Ace mate, where's he noo?) that he will allow Cena himself to pick his opponent for Summerslam. Immediately the crowd starts gaun "YES!" daft. This is exactly what was needed to placate folk after the disappointment of Bryan not winning the RAW MITB match, Cena reveals he'll tell us later who he's picked, before the guy who actually won MITB Randy Orton comes oot and says some words, I think he invited the two lads tae his barmitzvah. He is interrupted by Fandango, who confuses the living shite oot everyone by claiming he'll be the man Randy cashes in against after he takes the belt aff Cena. Dont hink so pal, but its good tae dream eh, nae herm in it. Sweattox reveals that Orton and Fandango were tae have a match right err n then cause he's the type of GM that makes snappy, sweaty, creepy decisions.
Fandango vs Randy Orton
I really dont like the road they've taken Fandangos character down lately, but theres nae denying he's one of the most talented wrasslers on the roster, and despite his tendency tae bore the tits clean aff ye, Orton has never been better in terms of consistency in the ring. This was a braw wee opener, and Fandango looked very strong throughout. He wis never gonnae win like, but it was far from a squasher. Orton wins, after he swoops in on a helicopter and RKO's Mr Curtis from outta nowhere.
Dolph finally cuts AJ loose. Gid decsion kid. As much as she makes me pitch a tent in my lower regions, she's a daft wee cow. Onwards and upwards for you buddy. Get yersell in amongst Natalya or suhin, I'm sure Tyson Kidd widnae mind stepping aside.
Another braw Mark Henry promo. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering if I wis mibbe oblivious to him being this good. Maybe I just missed it, but thats no the case eh? He just transformed himself from hard working slightly boring veteran, from promo monster/legit main eventer in the space of a few weeks. Its magicial stuff. He begins by taking his hat off to Cena, and congratulating him on his win last night. He then responds to fans being pricks like nae other, as they chant "you tapped out" at him, he just calmly goes "he woulda tapped all of ya'll out too" It ends with him urging Cena to consider a re-match with him as his Summerslam match, and that's something I widnae mind seeing myself tbh. Like if Daniel Bryan dropped deid or something, Henry wid be my pick. He wont though. Legends never die mate, did ye no hear?
Also Henry gets his shit ruined by The Shield just as he's about to depart. This is the kind of thing The Shield haven't been doing enough of lately, so its gid tae see them looking dominant again.
Dolph Ziggler vs Alberto Del Rio
Non title match, but for me it was a good chance for Ziggler to get a clean win over ADR before they inevitably go again for the belt. At worst it would be another great match between these two, and that certainly proved to be the case. Dolph was in the asdecency and hit a braw fameasser aff the second rope, but just as it looks like he's about tae bring it home, the bell rings oota nowhere and ADR gets the win by superkicking his heid clean aff. The bell ringer was none other than the recently spurned AJ Lee, and she gies Dolph a wee slap, before Big E breaks oot the doldrums of being s pawn in AJ/Kaitlyns sexual mind games, by hittin the Big Ending and breaking Dolph in half. Dolph sells it like he got squashed tae death between two double deckers. Fuckin hero. Cannae wait for him tae feud with Big E now.
Wyatt magnificence followed. This was just flawless. It starts with R-Truth coming out with the auld "whats up" routine, and then the whole world goes dark. No just that arena, everywhere on planet earth, plunged intae darkness. Darkness becomes light with Rowan and Harper in the ring battering fuck oota R-Truth, before Bray enters and hits "Sister Abigail" on Truth. He then grabs the mic and does that braw thing he does, where he says the words in a scary way. Born to play this character man. Aw they smark wanks who chanted Husky Harris at him last week can eat a plethora of fat dicks. Truth gets up mid promo, and looks like he's going to take a chair to bray, but Bray's lit that "come ahead Mr rapper man!" and Truth correctly gets a large dose of the fear. He fights his better judgement and actually does attempt tae come at Bray, but once again he gets his poor jaw tapped for his troubles. The segment ends with Bray urging Kane to "follow the buzzards" giving a wee bit of credibility to my theory that he might actually become the 4th member. Would be an unexpected wee boost to Kanes career at this late stage, and monster Kane certainly fits the description of what the Wyatts are aw about. Looking forward to seeing where this yin ends up.
Cesaro and Swagger vs The Usos
Ach I was enthused when I seen this announced, cause I'm Usos and Cesaro daft, but it was short as fuck and I didnae like the ending. Cesaro is arguably the most technically sound wrestler on the roster and is getting over with the crowd, so tae have him pinned after a Jimmy Uso roll up isnae a good thing. Didnae mind the Usos winning like, they're the next tag champs for me and Cesaros future should be at the top end of the singles division, but there were better ways to finish this imo. Usos win.
Christian vs Damien Sandow
Entertaining wee match, but again a bit of a baffling finish. I dunno where they're taking Christian ataw here, I assumed he'd be the next to feud with Ambrose but that is yet to materialise, so to have him beat the Smackdown MITB winner would indicate he's mibbe got bigger things on the horizon. Great match though, again mibbe a bit short. Could easily have shaved 5 mins aff that fuckin Cena promo at the end, and gave it to this. Christian dodges the elbow of disdain before rolling Sandow up for the win. Sandow reveals he's no giving a modicum of a fuck but, cause he's still the saviour of our tiny wee pea brains and still yer MITB contract hauder, bur before he can finish his sentence, the bold Cody Rhodes knocks his teeth oot for him. Love this face turn, pure works So it does. These two will have some brilliant matches together, I'm as certain of that as I am that Brad Maddox could sweat through a Berghaus jaicket.
Awrite Vickie? I dont mind what she said, but it was of no significance. Nice tae see ye but, yer lookin well pal.
Naomi vs Brie Bella
Naomi beats wee tittied Bella. Wee tittied Bella is my favourite Bella, cause I like my titties aw natural, and regularly felt by Daniel Bryan (Dbry is shaggin her incase ye didnae know) the match is awrite, Naomi is gid at the wrasslin, and correctly gets the win after a high crossbody.
I try tae no make these reviews really long, like long enough tae glance at them and go "nah I'll no bother, look how fuckin long that is" but I'll struggle tae keep my enthusiasm for this promo from spilling intae a 10,000 word essay. It had Paul Heyman, CM Punk and Brock Lesnar and it was fuckin breathtaking stuff. It begins with Punk emerging, and demanding an explanation from Heyman after his henious actions at MITB cost him the chance of the win. Heyman comes out and cuts a fucking stunning 5 minutes promo, about how Punk would be nothing without him and it was THEM who had all that success last year, not just Punk, they were a team and Punk decided he was too good for that team, so now he's gonnae be too good to have a functional body after Brock Lesnar annihilates him. Punk asks if "he's finished" before going off on a wondrous rant about how much of a greasy wee snake Heyman is, and I think he calls him a little bitch, but I'm not entirely sure on that one, he certainly says something that got bleeped anyway.
The shouting match is brought to a close by Heyman sinking to one knee and uttering Punks famous catchphrase "ITS CLOBBERIN TIME" and the clobberer was about to become the cloobberee at the hands of the bold Brock Lesnar. Lesnar emerges and him and Punk actually have a very evenly matched wee brawl, but Heyman gets involved and swings it in Lesnars favour. It ends with Lesnar hitting a fuckin whole body shattering F5 to Punk on the announce desk. Absolute dull yin. I hope yer no deid Punk. Please dont be deid mate, cause you being alive makes this feud potentially one of the best in years. Just look at Lesnars face man, look how intae it he is compared to that treacherous shite he had to endure with Trips (I didnae hate those matches btw, but everyone was phoning it in to a degree) These matches with Punk will be fuckin stoaters. Nae question.
PLEASE GOD NAW. CENA AND KHALI PROMO. AW NAW. NAW NAW NAW. MAKE IT STOP.
It stopped.
Chris Jericho vs Rob Van Dam
Not that he was seeking it out, but for the record, yer RVD earned my respect at MITB. I thought he was a wee bit sloppy, but he was much better than I expected. This match had the potential to be a beezer, and it surely lived up, after a wee bit of a slow start. For me, RVD looks totally invested in this WWE run but his body isnae fully there yet. Wantae have seen the mat haufway intae this match man, just RVD leaving a trail of pore grease and sweaty mess aw ower the place. Six months of bacon cheeseburgers and bongs seepin oot every orifice. The match was fuckin artwork in the middle but, I dont know if these two have had much of a feud in the past but their chemistry wis spot on. Great match, cannae believe it's happened but I'm sold on this RVD return now, as long as he gets himself fully fit, he'll give us some great matches. Being the fuckin legend that he is, Y2J puts him over and takes the loss after a fuckin picture perfect 5 star frog splash.
YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
Nae point dwelling too much on the shite patter Cena reeled oot here, as every wrestler fae the locker room stood on the stage waiting to hear who Cena had picked for his Summerslam title defence. He reels oot shite one liners about a few folk, and gauges the crowds reaction before finally revealing his opponet for Summerslam would be none other than DANIEL BRYAN. A fuckin world shattering pop ensues, as Daniel rushes down to the ring to chant Yes about a billion times right in Cenas face. Absolutely soakin wet for this match man, I'd love it to be something special, like a 2 out of 3 falls match or even a fuckin Iron Man match god forbid! (cannae mind the last one WWE had, but I'm sure these two would do it justice) It just has to happen eh, he simply must win the belt. it makes no sense for him not to have a run with it eventually. When it happens, I cannae wait for the tears of joy to comes streamin down my rosy wee cheeks. Gies it now.
Overall a fucking wonderful RAW. If my main guys Ziggler and Cesaro didnae have unfortunate ends to their matches, it might have been my favourite since the attitude era. But its still fuckin real tae me sometimes mate, so when some of the results let me doon, it detracts fae my enjoyment a wee touch. Still a fuckin 9.8 outta 10 but. As near perfect as a weekly wrasslin show can get. Two weeks in a row now, and 3 out of the last 4 its been fuckin great (which makes that shite one in the middle more baffling, convicned Vince Russo wrote that shite)
Listen, if its up yer auntys wee cafe in the toon, or when yer wrist deep in a wee burd ye met up the Catty an hour earlier, stay safe, dont try this.
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