I promised I wasn't going to do this.
I said I wouldn't be starting every weeks review with a Hulk Hogan rant, but I'm going to have to go back on my word. I'm sorry if I let you down(not sorry enough not to proceed with the rant though ;))
When I was a kid, I can remember no other aspiration which burned as bright as the one I had to be exactly like Hulk Hogan in every way. I wanted to be as brave as him, as cool as him, and most importantly I wanted to have the strength to rip my own t-shirt in half and throw it on the ground like discarded chewing gum.
To go from that level of idolisation, to the henious things I'd do to this hobbling old parasite masquerading as Hogan these days is quite a drastic fall from grace. I wish with all my heart that a kind wrestling fan at the E! network, or some other place which churns out nonsense reality shows, finds it in their budget to take him and his slack jawed daughter away from Wrestling for good. Maybe a show where they take turns each trying to talk ol Linda out of marrying 19 year olds every week, to the backdrop of ominous music and kung-fu montages (that actually sounds pretty cool, but anyway)
Hatred for Hogan aside, we gots a wrasslin show to review!
It began with Austin Aries. He cuts a promo about how he did what he had to do last week, and how he was going to cash in his X Division belt for a shot at the TNA Title at Destination X. His promo was fine. He speaks well and conveys how he feels perfectly. We could have left it there. The announcement for the triple threat match for the X Division belt could have come later, in a short backstage segment of some kind, but nah. We needed Hogan. We needed Hogan rambling incoherently about "the city of sin, Las Vegas, being the city of sin, hasn't seen a sin in the city like the sin you committed brother" You might think I'm exaggerating, but that was honestly close to the actual words he said. Anyway, he announced the main event was to be Aries vs Sabin vs Manik (TJ Perkins in a slightly modified version of the Suicide suit, with a different name...why i hear you ask? this is TNA. 'Why' should not be in your vocabulary. 'Why' is where the madness starts)
AJ Styles vs Kazarian
Wrestling eh? Nothing like a wee bit of wrestling to ease your troubled brain after a mind bending promo. This match was a short, but fast paced affair. I dug it. I also dug Kazarian and Daniels being generally hilarious before it kicked off. Why aren't they allowed to do this every week? aw naw, there I go with the "Why?" again. Need to nip that in the bud. Anyway, Styles picked up the win via submission with the calf killer. Giving him 10 BFG series points.
Next up was Mickie James. If you believe in a higher power, I'd like you to send him my greatest compliments for his part in creating this wonderful specimen. She cuts a magic promo whilst on top of a ladder, encouraging Gail Kim and Taryn to bring it on if they wanted a shot at her belt. The idea of Mickie James vs Gail Kim in a ladder match crosses my mind briefly, and I die of erection fueled happiness.
Proof if it was required that TNA Gutcheck is a damn(really wanted to utilise the F word there, so so hard) joke. The guy who lost the match last week is told he gets to advance to...something. Because wrestling doesn't have enough guys who play guitar with their mouths as a ring entrance.
Hernandez vs Jay Bradley
I think we should all get together and challenge ourselves to name as many wrestlers as we possibly can more deserving of national TV time than these two imposters. I honestly think if we all put our heads together we could get up to 200-300k names on a list. This was just awful. Sloppy botchy waste. Professional wrestling cries in its wake. Hernandez wins with a shoulder block, picking up 7 gutcheck points. Hernandez looks like a guy who lifted me by the armpits out of a nightclub once, because I tried to pay for my Jack and Coke with 2 buttons and bottle cap. I dunno why that's important really, anecdotes are fun.
I liked both Bully Ray promos last week, so to be subjected to this next mess of a segment was a crying shame. An incoherent back and forth between him and Wes Brisco about Brooke. Luke Gallows pipes up and informs everyone how he really wishes he could be back in WWE with the Straight Edge Society again. They all pull a simultaneous frown, and the promo just kind of ends.
James Storm and Gunner vs The Garbage Time Players
Robbie E and Jessie Gee. Gee whiz, its difficult to comprehend just how little I gave a crap. The match was once again short, but not terrible. A waste of James Storm though. Storm and Gunner win.
A main event mafia promo next. I really really want to like this. Maybe its just the respect I have for those involved, I want them to at least appear like they aren't wasting their time. They are though, its another extremely tired promo. Its 3am here in Scotland, I was tired enough watching it, but this almost put me to sleep. Sting and Angle take turns each to say the same thing. Blah blah, we hate aces and eights. Here's Samoa Joe. Mike Tenay tells us all the fourth member is about to be announced. My TV cuts out at this point and I start to think to myself "maybe there is a god after all", it comes back on though and the fourth member is revealed to be Magnus.
I liked this, along with Joe, he might make this stable relevant, but isn't the thing with the MEM that they have to be ex World Champions? Still, in Magnus they probably have a future World Champion, and a performer with endless potential. So I'm OK with this. Compared to what had gone before, this was a highlight.
Jeff Hardy vs Joseph Park
It looked like a squash early on when Jeff hit the Twist Of Fate, and went up top for the Swanton but Park moved out the way and a wrestling match broke out. With a beginning, middle and end. Crazy right? Park gets the upper hand, but all of a sudden he has an Abyss attack and apparently bites the refs ear off or something. I'm not sure, I looked away for a second and then there was blood on Parks mouth. Jeff wins by DQ
Another horrendously pointless Gutcheck segment. Its a no. You get two hours per week to display your product on TV, and we wasted 10 minutes of it finding out a guy didn't get a contract, even though he would have been released from any contract he might have got anyway. Dying inside here. Save me.
Austin Aries vs Manikcide vs Chris Sabin
This was a great match, I'll say that first and foremost. I try to highlight the positives in amongst the malaise of half told stories, and awful writing and this was a positive in terms of Wrestling. Storyline wise though? suffering christ. Don't get me wrong, I think its great that Sabin gets another shot, but what was the point in the whole Aries/Suicide angle? what was the point in teasing us with that excellent angle, only to kill it stone dead a week later. Also, what the hell was the point in the Aces and Eights vs MEM element during this match? there had to be a winner, so why were Aces and Eights involved at all (aw naw, I've started with the why's again) and why did they try to distract TJ Perkins/Manik when he is undoubtedly the weakest of the three wrestlers involved? he's who they want challenging Bully surely? It was done to set up the excellent one on one exchange which followed between Aries and Sabin, but surely that was achievable without that baffling element. Anyway, Aries vs Sabin was amazing, and made what had gone before worthwhile I suppose. Aries hit an absolutely brutal looking Death Valley Driver on the apron, which really should have out Sabin away. The brain buster too, but Sabin just kept coming back for more, and regained the title with the Hail Sabin from the top rope.
Overall. A horribly frustrating amount of time wasted and the Aries push being scrapped is a joke, but enough good wrestling and Mickie James to make being awake at 4am writing this worthwhile. I give it a 5 pumphandle slams out of 10. (3 without the Aries/Sabin exchange though)
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