Know whit, I really like feeling like I HAVE tae watch Smackdown these days. This is the first time since the late 90s/early 2000s where its felt like essential viewing. I've yet to see an episode that I'd say was total shite since starting to watch is regularly again about 3 months ago. In fact there's been a few hidden gems match wise, perhaps the best of which being a brutal wee match between Cesaro and Sheamus about 2 months ago.
I'll wrap aw the patter in but...where's the funnies? thats me jist fawning lit a WWE fanboy, and we cannae have that. Its awrite but, there's a Miz TV segment to come, so I expect tae be dippin my hauns intae the well of ridicule, and pullin oot some expletives soon enough.
Randy Orton vs RVD
On paper this sounds like a stoater. Neither of these guys have ever been any better in terms of their in ring work, but then ye consider the other side of it. The fact that they are both selfish cunts when it comes to putting anyone over. RVD has lost one singles match, and a triple threat match since returning, and both were in dodgy circumstances, so he isnae back to be sound like Y2J and put aw the boays over. He's back for glory. Orton had a wee spell of putting guys over clean, but then he won MITB which would indicate that the only reason he agreed to it was because he was promised MITB. Any fears of this match being pish were quashed early on though, as RVD props Orton up on the barricade on the outside before hitting a spinning heel kick from the apron right on the base of Randalls spine. The reverberations were so intense, a blood vessel in Randys eye socket popped and the stream of blood blinded a small child in the front row, amid cries of "ECW!" from some feverish fans. Have a bit of respect guys ffs, that wean will never see a beautiful sunrise again, and he might never see some pretty naked ladies gettin aff wae each other, depending on how early he's been exposed tae porn. Anyway, the match wore on despite the tragedy and it continued tae be braw. Another brutal spot on the outside of the ring was next, although its one Ortons done a few times, as he hits the backdrop on RVD on to the barricade. That's 1-1 on the barricade spots incase yer keeping score. RVD takes over, hitting a superkick and then that mad moonsault, where he jumps aboot a lot, but Orton gets the shooder up at 2. This is gettin a bit long eh? First match and I'm gibberin away lit naebdys business, I'll wrap it up in two sentences or less efter this yin, you have my word on that. Orton gets tae dominating and hits his usual quota of moves. Yon backbreaker thing, followed by that snap powerslam and then he goes for the DDT, but yer man RVD pulls out a tremendous counter intae a suplex which I cannae remember the specific name of, nae counter the second time but as RVDs wee stoned coupon is planted on the mat. Orton looks like he's heading for the win, but RVD rallies and hits rolling thunder before making the ascension tae the top rope for the 5 star frog splash, Orton moves, springs up and hits the RKO for the win. A legit top 5 match of the year for me this was, and I'm breaking my "2 sentences or less" vow cause I just hud tae tell ye that. It made me excited in my nether regions.
Yass! this wis far too lovey dovey so far. Check me oot man "ooh I love Smackdown, that wis a top 5 match of the year, everythings aw fairydust, rose petals and rolls n sausage" well NAE LONGER. Cause here's the walking buzz harsher The Miz tae gie some premium piss taking material. Bless his vacant wee soul, but I just cannae go him. As a face he is as unpalatable as it gets and having him dae talk show segments in any case is just fuckin madness. The Miz does not speak well. As a heel he cut some good promos, but when he's left to his ain devices he has as much charisma as Chris Sabin cuttin a promo in a harsh baritone. This Miz TV segment is wae AJ and Big E, and he fires right intae some awful patter about AJ being a "ramp skipping, diabolical wee sleg". AJ and Miz exchange terrible patter and the whole thing just descends intae white noise, before the boy Dolph appears. Even then its just a daft nothing promo, we aw knew this mixed tag match at Summerslam was coming, we didnae need this soap opera pish tae announce it, but listen, it ends wae Kaitlyn hitting that spear on AJ that hus me pitchin aw the trouser tents. So that wis gid I suppose. Och I cannae believe I liked this anaw, I was aw set up tae rip the cunt oot it, then Dolph and Kaitlyn made me happy. Fuck sake.
Kofi Kingston vs Fandango
Smackdown appears to be the show that actually disnae hate Fandango, so maybe he'll go over here eh? Or is Kofi finally getting that push out of eternal midcard nothingness? Gid match btw, so was the one on RAW, so even if they dae fuck all with either of these guys, at least they're puttin a shift in. Cannae deny that meht. Fandango does indeed go over. Clean as a fuckin whistle tae, as he follows up some gid offense on the outside, by dragging Kofi in and hitting that braw top rope legdrop for the win. Fuckin Johnny Curtis goin over anaw, cannae believe I'm 4 days late seeing this fantastic Smackdown.
Daniel Bryan vs Wade Barrett
Och away ye go man. yer fuckin spoilin me here meht. Aw this braw shit so far and now a Daniel Bryan match! How am I supposed tae pour hilarious ridicule on my fuckin hero? its just no possible. He could burst intae my house and dropkick the dug, and I'd still ask for a photie. This match is cause of the whole "I'm gonnae shave your beard!" saga fae Monday, as Wade was sposed to shave DBrys beard, only for DBry to turn the beard trimming tables and actually shave Wades beard instead! Mare mischief than ye could shake a shitey stick at. He cuts a wee promo aboot his beard before the match. I love Daniel Bryan, and I love beards so this wis my favourite promo of aw time meht. Anyway, the match only went 7 minutes, which is a bit frustrating. The beard wis there, the beard saw, and the beard conquered. Winning with the yes lock after an entertaining wee match. The lack of beard makes Barretts nose look massive btw. Cunt could smoke a cigar in the shower. Bryan goes for the clippers Barrett brought tae the ring, mibbe intent tae gie Wade a pube trim or suhin. he disnae but. That wid have been distrubring so thank fuck eh. On to the next yin.
Damien Sandow huvin a chat backstage about his briefcase. The boays good. He's got the juice. It's a fun promo. If I was tae pick one guy who isnae Dolph to be the next one tae win the WH Belt, it wid be him. Or Cody Rhodes. Or maybe Mark Henry. Or Cesaro. Or Ambrose......aye.....
Kane vs 3MB
Dunno why I was so amused by this. I think I just love how 3MB seem tae be trailblazers for innovative jobbing. A 3 on 1 handicap match and not one of them mustered an attack on Kane. Basically they got smacked aboot for 3 minutes, before Kane hit the chokeslam on Jinder (hindering him in the process) and that was that. Basically the only purpose it served wis tae let everyone know, Kane could beat 3 guys at once if he needed tae, so he'll have nae trouble wae the Wyatts if they aw get involved at Summerslam.
This match wae Bray is a ring of fire match btw, which is described as a match where theres eh...well a ring of fire round the perimeter of the ring. Thus preventing anyone interfering incase they get...eh...set on fire basically. This is set up perfect for Harper and Rowan tae just walk right through it though eh? bet they dae. Just as Bray looks like losing, the two big brutes walk right through the fire and save the day. Kane follows the Buzzards, and the stable is complete. Bray appears on the titantron tae pretty much confirm that'll be the case. The Wyatts urnae feart. Another spine chilling promo. Bo Dallas came fae the same pair of baws as this genius man, how does that happen? He ends the promo by whispering "I'm already dead" which wis just.....aw man. Best fuckin Smackdown ever.
Hahaha aw naw. A Brock Lesnar VT. Wae him talking. Aw Brock, please dont talk mate. Ach its awrite. Probably necessary tae remind us Brock is actually involved in this match, but please dont let this happen again. The beast is the best he says. Nut. Shut it.
Christian vs Alberto Del Rio
This is mental booking. I'm no mad at it, cause it was a brilliant match, but this is yer fuckin title match at Summerslam. Imagine ye were gonnae buy the PPV JUST for this match, and ye get it on Smackdown for free instead. No many folk would be like that, but enough tae make this fuckin stupid. At least 2 folk anyway, and that's 30 quid ye could be spendin on pogs, or mushies or suhin. Flushed doon the drain. The match was a beezer though, and it really hits its stride when ADR reverses the killswitch, and turns it intae a wee bit of a botchy tilt-o-whirl backbreaker. Del Rio bosses it, and it looks like this match was tae strengthen the Champions position, but then SPEAR oota naeplace from Christian turns the tables once again. Its comfortably the second sexiest spear in wrestling right now, but its still awrite. ADR hits a superkick, wae Christian landing on the bottom rope, Del Rio drags him back intae the middle but Christian rolls him up and pins the fuckin world champ. It would be nice if he took the belt at Summerslam, but I don't see it meht. Ye cannae be puttin major belts on people wae nae real character. I don't think he's cut a promo in the 6-7 weeks he's been back. ADR has at least cut a few shiters, and some of his heel actions have validated him huvin the belt.
Del Rio tries tae get his revenge quickly, and goes for Christian after the match, but Christian hits the kill switch. Jist you calm it Alberto. Calm it right noo.
Aww whit! A minute left of runtime and down comes Sandow wae the briefcase. Surely no! This wid be the greatest cash-in of all time that isnae Dolphs. Or Punks second wan, that wis fair gid anaw. Edges wan wis good tae. Pretty much the best MITB cash in for the month of August 2013. Cody Rhodes isnae havin it but, as he emerges fae the loose skin in JBLs neck tae jump on tae the top rope and hit a cross body on Sandow. No this week Damo ma man, try again soon but.
Overall that was a fuckin stone cold beezer of a Smackdown. Apart fae when The Miz said words, I loved it aw. A solid 11 out of 12 pumphandle slams for this shit. Easy.
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