The show starts wae Triple H n Steph introducing us tae the evenings festivities as if they're faces n that. I'm already confused and we've no even got warmed up yet. Mind when PPVs used tae invariably start with a D'Lo Brown match? I miss they days, I mean they didnae really exist, but in my heid they did. Every PPV is D'Lo swaggerin oot wae the chest protector, and the European Title gien it big licks.
So I wisnae very excited about Survivor Series, and I mask this terribly by rantin away aboot D'Lo Brown. Could ye tell?
Wrasslin.
The Usos, The Rhodesiez and Rey vs The Shield and The Real Americans (Traditional Survivor Series 5 on 5 Elimination Match)
Roman Reigns has arrived folks. When The Shield first started a year ago, you had 3 raw talents that all needed nurturing in some way. Dean Ambrose wis almost the finished article, but just needed a wee something tae help him connect wae the mainstream audience. Aw it took for him tae achieve that is a cheeky wee earring and hunners of braw facial expressions. Rollins had aw ye could ask for in the ring, but his mic skills were utter baws. Still urnae great, but they are vastly improved and he just gets better and better in the ring, so he's sorted but big Roman? ooft. Rough so he wis. No particularly charismatic in any way, totally widden on the mic, and for me awfy laboured in the ring. Not terrible for a man his size, but no good either. So for him to go from the afterthought of the 3 shield members, to this fuckin jaw dropping display of innovation, power and huvin really fierce hair wis impressive. Yer man has it aw. A legit main event star. Aw the spears anaw mate. Naebdy in wrasslin slings a better spear than Big Roman these days, and if yer no an agreement wae that, ye can never stop playing finger tennis wae maw baws.
So aye....a match n that eh? Dean Ambrose is oot first sadly, after a lovely wee exchange wae Rhodes, he gets cocky and starts giving the wee ref some aggro, and whilst hes daein aw the flap yappin and finger wagging, Cody rolls him up. Irked at his ain daftness, Deano scuds Goldust on the road oot, and receives an uppercut for his troubles, before the other 4 members of his team wind up on the outside of the ring at opposite sides, and each of the Usos huv a wee shot at diving on top of the. Jimmy hits Reigns and Rollins, and Jey hits the Real Americans, or vice versa, I jist guessed there so I did. Cannae tell ye a lie.
Deadlift gutwrench suplex fae Cesaro on Goldust which should really gie ye the pointiest of stauners. Goldy responds by elbowing all of Tonys teammates aff the apron, then hitting a braw Sunset Flip type thing, before tagging in Rey, and gie the wee man his due, he looks sherp son. Sherp as the sharpest of tacks, aw that patter about him limping after RAW can dae the bolt. Hits a hurricanrana on Swagger, followed by the 619, then the Usos tag thersells in and hit a superkick/big splash combo tae eliminate Swagger. 5 on 3 sir. Wid 3 be enough? or would 5 be better? BIG E JOKES NEVER GET OLD.
Jimmy or Jey receives some Cesaro spins for their cheekiness, and like is often the case wae brerrs, we got some heavy jealously so we did. Cesaro had the antidote for the other Usos petted lip but, as he got some spins anaw. A wee mid air uppercut for his troubles tae but just as the Swiss work of art looked like he wis getting his team back in it, Cody catches a sneaky pin and Cesaro is outta there! 5 on 2, that's game over ye'd think eh?
No the night its no. This is big Romans arrival. Roman Reigns Supreme. Rollins and Reigns remind us aw why they were such a success as tag champs when they get some Usos isolated. Reigns gets intae some serious ruckus wae his wee cousins, and eliminated Jimmy or Jey wae the first of a dazzling array of spears that wid hauf ye in 2. 4 against 2 noo. Cody and Rollins get intae some lovely stuff, potentially a braw wee singles feud in the making between these two, and after a wee battle of wills, Cody hits Cross Rhodes on Rollins, but he didnae notice big Reigns had tagged himself in, and yer man propels himsell af the ropes at an unbelievable speed tae hit my favourite spear of the night on Cody and all of a sudden we've got us a match! Doon tae wan Uso, Rey and Goldy vs Roman the conqueror and Silky Seth.
Rollins gets rid of the remaining Uso and we're down tae just the savvy veterans left. Rollins dropkicks Gody aff the apron, and goes for the electric chair on Rey, but Rey reverses and paps Rollins oot wae a rollup. A valiant effort fae the boayz, but theres nae way in a month of fuckin Tuesdays tat big ROman can oust aw this experience. He;s too green so he isn, miss me wae that patter! Only hing green aboot the place after this, wis aw the people envying ROmans supreme skills.
We get tae some Goldy and Roman finally, and this is whit we aw want tae see. For two guys who are a generation apart, they have always had braw chmesitry. Goldy hits yon reverse crossbody, before they run the ropes, only for Reigns to fuckin explode intae another spear and pap out poor Dustin. Rey jumps on him right away and sets him up for the 619, but as he bounces aff the ropes lookin tae complete it, Reigns does what fuckin everycunt who has ever been set up on the middle rope for the 619 should have, and just got fuckin up, spears Rey clean oot his Size 4s and seals the win for his team.
Four spears and a main event push in the making. No a bad haul for big Roman eh? He climbs the ropes in celebration and gets a well deserved pop before he stares at Rey seductively while the wee guy sells the shite oota the spear he wis jist killed by. Lovely stuff all round, a daft way tae kick things off cause as much as I wis pleasantly surprised by everything bar the main event, none of it lived up tae this eye watering gidness.
Orton whinging tae The Authority backstage. I drew a face on some spare knee skin and made it talk tae me instead of paying attention. We conversed about how effective the abdominal stretch might be as a finisher, and we baith decided it wid be a total shanner, even if applied in a particularly sare fashion.
Big E Langston vs Curtis Axel (Intercontinental Title Match)
This wis a pleasant wee surprise. We aw love a Big E sighting, but despite Axes in ring proficiency I didnae haud out much hope of this being interesting ataw, but It was actually a wee stoater of a match. Lovely pace tae it. The Big yin gets his usual quick tempo'd raw power stuff in early, which included jist tossing Axel about 20 feet in the air at one point. Some clotheslines were followed by Axel shoulder barging Big E aff the apron, and all of a sudden Perfect illegitimate pubey bearded boy has the upper hand. Makes the mistake of locking in a chinlock but, and when yer daein that, ye might aswell just ask Big E tae lift ye clean aff the mat. He obliged, before hitting some merr clotheslines wae extra torque, then the belly tae belly before the straps came doon for the Big Ending. Axel had another wee shot at shitting on his auld da's legacy fae a great height when he hit the Perfect Plex outta naewhere for a 2 count. Has he ever pinned anycunt using it? I hink he mibbe got Sin Cara once but that's aboot it, and Sin Cara wis probably booked tae win that match but forgot tae lift his shoulder. After a short back n forth following the Imperfect Plex, Big E leathers yer man wae that Big Ending ye keep hearing yer pals chattin aboot, and that wis it. The Big yin doing the belt proud by bringing the best outta his challengers, and there wis me thinking I couldnae possibly love him any more. Yer a big beautiful diddied wonder of a man so ye urr.
AJ jaw jackin wae some divas. Her partners for the night. Tellin them they should go out there n steal the show tae make up for no being on Total Divas. Anyone other than AJ delivering the words, n this might have been justification to shut it whole hing down, but naw. She actually makes ye take interest. Keep that belt on her forever please. Well swap it between her n Natty, and toss the rest of these burds no named Tamina or Summer Rae intae a widchipper.
Team Total Divas (Natty, The Smellas, The Funkadactys and a coupla slack jawed hookers) vs Other Lassies (AJ, Tamina, Aksana, Alicia Foxx, Kaitlyn, Summer Rae and Rosa Mendes)
Well this was another pleasant wee shock. It wis never gonnae be braw, but naebdy was in the match for long enough for the full extent of their shitness tae resonate. Well apart fae Eva Marie, but she got knocked intae another stratosphere by Kaitlyn. Rosa Mendes pinned Cameron anaw, nice tae see she's alive and pinning folk for sport. Kaitlyn paps Naomi oot anaw, leaving the Smellas, Natty and Jojo against Kaitlyn, AJ, Tamina and Aksana.
Brie Smella paps Kaitlyn oot, but nice tae see ye Kaitlyn hen, lookin braw as ever and strong wrasslin wise, gid on ye. Aksana got the biggest surprise pin of the match when she papped Brie oot, but Nikki got some quick revenge on by pinning Aksana right efter. Tamina finally gets in and flings Nikki aboot like a burst mattress. Oooft Tamina ma luv, whit ye like? I want her tae make me bleed in a really special n nice way. Then we finally see the debut of JoJo! one of the slack jawed hookers mentioned at the start. Tamina looks tae make short work of the lassie, cause she could fit in yer pocket so she could, but she nearly gets caught wae the rollup. Tamina eventually lays her flat oot n tags AJ in for the pin. AJ looks right smug aboot it tae, tags Tamina straight back in tae face Natty, who's the last wuman standing for the Total Divas burds. Whit a wuman she is anaw. Offt. Takes both Tamina and AJ oot wae the most erotic pair of sharpshooters I've seen since both Owen and Bret done them on each other at WM10. I mean whit? I dunno. It wis rerr, and made me sweat fae my eyes, pits and baws. Aw the gid sweat spots.
Ryback vs Mark Henry
Ryback issues an open challenge. This wis a mistake. A huge yin. Ye cannae just issue open challenges when boyazies like Sheamus and Mark Henry are rumoured tae be wandering about the back. One of they cunts is gonnae answer yer challenge and scud yer daft napper fur ye. Ryback did get some offense in here like, don't get me wrang, but im reviewing none of it cause it could bolt. Aw I seen wis my man Mark flinging this diddy aboot wae reckless abandon. Ryback has the straps doon, so ye assume he's gaun for that finisher he does where the shells get a fright, but instead Mark Henry jumps oot the corner wae a fuckin CROSSBODY. Ye whit? Yer Mark Henry mate, ye were already the scariest bastard oot, and noo yer hittin crossbodies? pit aw the belts on this man immediately, or at least a few of them. Hit the Worlds Strongest Slam tae seal the deal soon after and that wis aw she wrote. I'll gie Ryback his due btw, its the best he's looked in months but mibbe im jist giddy cause MARK HENRYS BACK AND HE DONE A FUCKIN CROSSBODY. Sorry troops, I love Mark Henry an unreasonable amount, so this wis the besta surprises. I had the chebs oot n wis offerin free motorboats tae anycunt who wanted wan.
John Cena vs Berty Naebelts (WH Title Match)
Another match I couldnae be fucked wae in the slightest, despite being the biggest Cena mark in this realm. I jest, but I dae like me some Cena, n this match felt like a pointless exercise tae me. Essentially it wis, cause there wis nae way Bert Beltless wis coming near that strap, but they at least served up an entertaining wee romp for us tae enjoy, before the inevitable occurred.
The boayzies huv a wee feeling out process early doors, and Berty comes out on top wae a lovely high hoptoss followed by a sideheadlock takedoon. Bert focused much of his attack on Cenas gommy airm, but we've aw this patter before aff yer Belt. What have you done for me lately Berty?
Del Rio hits some double sledges aff the top rope, and generally looked like the man in charge. This might be the first time I've ever seen someone dominate Cena in the middle part of a match, afore Cena rallies and eventually comes out on top. I mean have ye seen the like of that yersells? its outlandish meht.
Bert gies it some heavy playful "you cant see me" patter. Mad parodying bastard so he is, see if ye keep him away fae a mic, he'd be a crackin heel. If ever a cunt needed Paul Heyman, its Del Rio. Could be the top heel in the company wae a cunt like Heyman daein aw his mic work.
Cena finally hits hits stride, wae a pair of lovely shoulderblocks, but when he went for the backdrop Del Rio slipped oot it and hit a picture perfect backstabber. Cena is dazed, but his powers of recovery are not that of a normal man, he is a superhuman hero and if I ever met him I'd stick a syringe in his right erse cheek and sook oot a tiny wee bitta the goodness. I mean whit? he hits a dropkick on Bert. Then he goes for yon 5 knuckle shuffle, only for Bert tae catch him wae a kick tae the melt, and then a lovely Spike DDT. Bert wis outdoing himself here so he wis. Much like Sandow a few weeks prior when he cashed in on Cena to no avail. Cena tries tae put Del Rio away wae the AA, but another stoater of a reversal fae Bert led tae a German Suplex intae a pin, but Cena got the shoulder up cause unless its Daniel Bryans knee, or a bus, nuhins keepin Cena doon for a clean 3 count.
ADR hits a braw enziguri which gets the nearest of his near falls yet, but we aw kent. The game wis soon tae be up for Bert.
He signals that its crossarmbreaker time and despite being in (well near) Cenas hometown, the Si! chants are fuckin loud, his first attempt at it is reversed intae that shanner of an STF, but soon after he gets it locked in properly and if ye were seeing wrasslin for the first time ye might hink he wis gonnae tap. Has he ever tapped tae anything but? cept tappin the asses of various pornstars whilst married! hahahahaha oh I am just too much.
Yer usual wee exchange of both of them teasing their finishers ensued, before Cena hits the AA tae retain. Considering that I couldnae have gied anything that even looked like a fuck about this, it wis actually a fuckin cracker of a match. Cena has never been better wrasslin wise if ye ask me.
Luke Harper and Erick Rowan vs Daniel Bryan and CM Punk
Nae idea what Brays injury status is, but ye have tae assume this wis supposed to be some sort of traditional Survivor Series caper. Still though, fuckin belter of a match. No really needin a long drawn out intro is it? ye ken whit yer in for, but this sentence here kinda makes the intro longer and more drawn out, defeating the purpose for it entirely. Fuckin cannae get the staff these days neither ye cannae, Big Rowan starts oot wae Bryan and lets us know right away, hes game as fuck. He came tae fight. Slaps wee Dannys chest rid raw. Punk gets in, and tries tae sweep big Rowans legm but gets leathered on the back for his troubles. Well done tae ye Rowan san, ye done no bad tae start us off, but it wis about time we seen us some Luke Harper. Punk hits yon top rope reverse crossbody that Goldy uses aw the time, wee bit of a tribute there Punk san? och im sure he uses it a lot himself, but I'd like tae think it wis a wee nod at Goldy aw the same. Punk Tags Bryan in and they try a double suplex on Rowan, but the big yon blocks it an only goes n suplexes the two of them! See this is whit we needed fae Rowan here, the weakest wrassler in the match by mile, but he is fuckin huge and we needed tae see whit he was capable of in that sense. Yer man delivered. Then Micheal Cole wis the responsible for the cringiest bit of commentary in the history of cunts commenting on things when he reminded us of shite patter, but no just any shite patter...HIS AIN shite patter. He once said Rowan is like Micheal Myers, cause of the mask and the SHUT THE FUCK UP YA BELLEND, THATS THE WORST PATTER OOT, TAKE THAT SHITE UP THE ROAD.
Anyway aye.....wrasslin match. Drop toehold fae Bryan on Rowan is followed by a million n one kicks. Hunners of cohesive tag action fae the beard and the best, these boayzies are natural together so they are. Lit Torvill n Dean but a lot fuckin sexier. Double dropkick fae the boayzies, is followed by the Hart Attack, but it disnae get the job done quite yet. Rowan gets back in there wae Punk, and tries tae twist his wee heid aff his shoulders. Mind heids are attached by a few strategically placed screws anaw but, so ye really needin yer lecky screwgun Rowan meht. Harper gets in and does yon gator roll, which is essentially a move designed tae nauseate everyone who sees it. Follows that up wae a Michinoku driver, and the Wyatt boayzies all of a sudden had aw the initiative. No for long though, as Daniel Bryan finally gets the chance tae kick intae high gear; ach yees no the drill by noo eh? kicks to Harpers legs, followed by yer running clothesline, then a wee lift over the ropes s backed up wae a beezer of a suicide dive. Then the best hing in the history of gid things happened, as Bryan goes for yon kicks to the chest, followed by the big roundhouse, Harper ducks the roundhouse and takes Bryan up for the powebomb only for Dbry tae reverse it intae the Hurricanrana. That takes Harper in tae the corner, where Bryan sets him up for the same move aff the top rope only for Harper tae block it and hit a fuckin TOP ROPE POWERBOMB. Harper might be the maist dynamic wrestler of that size in this era. Cunts fulla surprises. Punk saves the match before big Rowan literally picked the cunt up n tossed him tae the outside. Bryans in there on his own at this stage and the big bruisers fling him fae pillar tae post in the sarest way possible. A wee hauf nelson throw fae Harper anaw, cause hes Dean Malenko or suhin, before this deliciously braw wee battle finally comes tae its dramatic end. Punk thwarts Harpers attempts tae knock him aff the apron, before finally getting tagged back in and gaun heavy daft wae aw that wrasslin. High knee is followed by Punk going up top and taking oot Rowan and Bray on the outside. Punk gets back in the ring and efter a beautifully swinging neckbreaker, he lands the flying elbow right tae tae Harpers hert. Bryan sneaks in and hits the flying knee on Rowan, and Punk hits the GTS on Harper tae seal it. Games a bogey, but whit a beautifully deadly game it wis.
Bray is incensed at the inability of his main baoyzies tae get the job done, so naturally he batters fuck ootae a barricade before taking the Hawaiian Shirt and hat off a teasing us aw by looking like he wis gonnae climb in fur a scrap. He jumps on the apron and the Beard and the Best tell him tae come ahead. Bray decides tae deal wae these suckas another day. Hopefully that day is soon and hopefully its awfa braw. The brawest.
Randy Orton vs Big Show (WWE Title Match...naw really, it wis)
Get tae fuck. Seriously. I wish I had a more eloquent way to sum up how I felt about this happening. The match itself actually exceeded my expectations in the sense that I didnae find myself running intae traffic as soon as it started, but it wis still a pile of baws. Futile baws. Useless baws. A rivalry that shouldnae have had any manner of belt anywhere near it.
It started wae Show jabbin and slappin Orton daft. Other stuff happened. Orton catches an elbow to the left diddy. Mare slaps. Main eventing a fuckin marquee PPV so it wis. Big Show is only about 10 years removed fae his prime and has spent the majority of the last 3 or 4 months greetin at fuck all., so of course this makes hunners of sense. I sound a bit jaded eh? this is where my limited supply of fucks for distribution officially ran oot I think. I couldnae give anything resembling a fuck. Orton locks in a sleeper, and cunts start chanting "boring" cause in case yer intuition hadn't filled in the blanks fur ye, this wis fuckin boring. Orton tries yon DDT, with Shows feet propped on the top rope, but his feet slip doon completely and Orton just DDTd him anyway. This is followed by some other shite, and a chokeslam fae Show which Orton kicked out of. Champ lookin strong there amiright? or he wid be if ANYONE GIED A FUCK. The fight goes tae the outside, where Orton is send flying err a barricade, then chopped a wee bit. Thrill ride so it wis. Orton tries tae set Show up on the barricade for the DDT, but Show shoves him aff and knocks him oot wae that big ham fist. Dragging him back in tae finish the job, when Trips music plays, him, his orange tinted ride of a wife, and bawless Kane appear, Show gets distracted. Orton RKO'd show, then punted his napper for the win. THE PUNT HAS RETURNED YA'LL naebdy cares meht. Naebdy will ever care.
Cena comes oot and they have a showdown whilst they both hoist their belts in the air. Orton v Cena tae unify the titles aye? Good. Lets have them feud again and we'll never huv tae stay up tae 4am for a PPV again. The real main event will be located at a more convenient time in the card for those of us wae work/school/hooring it tae be on time for the next morning. Nae offence tae Jahn Seenah like, I louv uhm hunners but ye couldnae pay me tae gie a fuck about that. If its the main event at WM 30 I will dae some experimenting wae various pills in the hope that some concoction leads my eyes bursting intae flames.
Overall yer Survivor Series wis much better than I expected, so for the brawness of the 5 on 5 match, and the Wyatts vs Beardy Besties match, combined wae some surprising Mark Henry action makes this a soid B+ despite the fuckin awful irrelvance that wis the 'main event' . 7 codebreakers oota 10 ma man. That'll dae yees eh, there's been a lot of readin in this as it is, you away n gie yer eyes a rest. x
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