Last week it started with a CM Punk promo/match, and this week we're right in at the deep end wae The Wyatts vs The Usos? aye Smackdown, you'll dae just nicely so ye will.
Luke Harper and Erick Rowan vs The Usos
Yer Usos start out strong, plenty of quick tags early on and lots of moves that involve jumping quite high. I call them "yer" Usos, but that's just for a giggle, ye don't own them nor are you entitled to any profits gained from their likeness. Beautiful wee sequence where Harper hits some big forearms and heidbutts, before whipping an Uso owards the ropes, only for yon other Uso to tag himself in. Superkick to the belly by the illegal Uso before a chopblock tae the back of the knee takes Harper doon. JimmyorJey comes aff the ropes lookin tae capitalise on this Harper bein doon on one knee situation, but he gets wellied square on the jaw for his troubles. Well no wellied like, it wis an uppercut. Cannae wear wellies when yer wrasslin anyway, no unless yer wannae the Godwinns.
Harper finally tags Rowan in, but its nae ordinary tag, cunt fuckin leathered his ain pal. I can vaguely mind hearing a faint slapping noise in the distance when this shit wis taped doon in England, n noo it aw makes sense. It wis that tag.
Big Rowan draps some knees, and generally flings an Uso aboot lit dirty washin. Loving the wee addition of aw the sound effects wae The Wyatts. Chantin aw that creepiness at their opponents. The other Uso gets in, and picks up the pace tae try n get Rowan aff his feet, but to no avail. The big yin catches him in mid air and plants him on his overly enthusiastic napper. Nae mare jumpin aboot for you JimmyorJey.
Another wee Uso flurry of fast pacedness is brought to an end by Rowan launching him intae the turnbuckle. See if yer intae wrestlers who enjoy chucking cunts aboot wae reckless abandon? Rowans yer guy. He's daft fur it.
Efter a wee break in proceedings, we return wae Harper heidlockin the shit outta JeyorperhapsJimmy, countering a beard pulling attempt by biting the poor cunts haun. Followed that up wae yon slingshot spot on the middle rope. Sare windpipes aw round. Even Rikishi felt that yin.
Brutal backbreaker fae Rowan, and here btw, Cole and JBL were definitely oot on the randan before this show. Sittin haverin shite for this whole match so they wur, it wis fairly humorous.
Harper and Jey Uso get tagged in, and wee Jey starts slinging forearms at everycunt. Belly superkick on Harper, followed by a big flying forearm in the corner, Jey goes up top n hits a flying right jab, before ducking a lariat and planting Harper wae a Samoan Drop. The boayzies came tae England and brought the fuckin noise so they did. This wis a stoater.
An Uso goes for the stinkface, but Harper bursts oota the corner lit the big beardy battering ram he is, and lays him oot wae a big boot to the chin. Game over surely? but ther Uso broke the count. Rowan and a single Uso are tossed oot the ring, and Harper turns round intae a superkick to the jaw. A clean win for the Usos over The Wyatts? nut. No yet anyway. Two count meht.
JimmyormaybeitwisJey hits a flying crossbody on Rowan on the outside, but when the other yin tries it on Harper, the big yin belts him wae a forearm, and then yon spinning lariat for the win. Beauty of a match so it wis. Nae better way tae kick off a wrasslin show if ye ask me. Yer no askin me? sound. Ye've been TELLT anyway.
The boayzies wurnae done yet. Bray enters the ring, n The Usos try n get ahead of the game n attack him first. Disnae work but, Bray pans Jimmys melt in for having the audacity tae touch him, before Sister Abigail'ing the poor cunt tae next Easter. Sorry san. Wisnae his fault, it wis yon devil that made him dae it.
At Survivor Series they will teach the world how to leave a scar. They will pour their venom in their enemies veins, so they will never forget the taste of tragedy. Their enemies at Survivor Series will be Daniel Bryan and CM Punk and Bray advises them to simply run. No bad advice if ye ask me, but we established earlier, ye urnae askin me things, so I'll no bawr tellin ye.
Ryback and Curtis Axel conversing about no longer being Paul Heyman guys. This made me wish I wis deid. No exaggering ataw. They're teaming together against Punk n Bryan later. Because sometimes ye need a wee bit of utterly dumbfounding booking.
The Prime Time Players n R-Truth, dancing, rapping, singing. Stereotypes n that. They'll team together later against 3MB. That's nice. That's nice for them.
Natalya vs Tamina
This is porn aye? Coupla braw hings that could fling ye aboot, whit mare could ye possibly ask for? Oh aye, they can also both wrestle, so there's that. Natty flies at Tamina like a burd possessed, but Tamina hits a big stoater of a Samoan Drop. Natty hits a brutal spinning lariat that might have actually got the job done, but daft AJ jumped on the apron and decided now wis a good time tae be a right nippy sweetie. Natty ducks Taminas attempt tae hauf her, so Tamina batters intae AJ instead, Natty goes for the rollup, but sacks it haufway through n goes for a sharpshooter instead. Sare on the auld back, but a feast for the eyes. Sweat wis blinding me so it wis. Tamina taps, n et oot a wee scream which ahd the hairs on the back of my baws standing tae attention. Match wis too short, but for the sharpshooter alone it gets pass marks. Braw.
Brad Maddox talking tae Vickie, soakin the poor wuman in the process. That's Eddies missus ya sweaty wee toad, sit doon. Vickie tells the daft cunt he away n shite.
The PTP and R-Truth vs The Union Jacks (3MB is their gear wis spewed oan by a hunner Rangers fans)
Titus kicks things aff by flinging Jinder aboot lit wet washin (that's no recycled patter btw, it wis dirty washin earlier) no fair Titus mate, yer hindering Jinder there. That's outta order. Drew gets a blind tag, and hits a single legged dropkick on Titus. Big chop followed by hunners of kicks n punches fae Drew, cause yer man is jist RERRIN tae go these days. Heath gets in, and gets a bit cocky so Titus shoulderblocks him oot his boots. Titus tags Truth in and he hits a lot of folk wae yon high octane clotheslines n that. He is excited!
Aw the boays hit their finishers, but the last one is fae R-Truth as he hits...whitever ye caw his finisher on Slater for the win .
Fuck sake. An arm wrestling match between Cena and Del Rio. I couldnae gie two fucks about the arm wrestling happening, its the fact that it meant Del Rio got on the mic beforehand that bothered me. Naebdy cares meht. Not now, not never. Cena accepts Del Rios challenge tae arm wrestle, and tells him he's gonnae break his arm. Gonnae please break his face instead, namely the mouth area, where the words come oot.
They get intae the arm wrasslin and Cena fuckin LEATHERS uhm. EAZAY!
Berty Naebelts gies it the "I wisnae ready" patter, but listen son, wheres yer belt?
Cena agrees tae a rematch, and of course comes out on top again, so Bert scuds the back of his napper wae some Yella Pages or suhin. Del Rio goes for Cenas gid arm, but Cena fights oot and lobs a chair at him, Bert ducks and after a brief stramash yer man only goes and hits a peach of a spinebuster tae send Cena through the table where he saw so much arm wrasslin triumph. Wee shame so it wis, ye broke my boay.
That's my problem wae Del Rio in a nutshell but, cause if he wis a heel that never got on the mic but instead just spent aw his days pittin cunts through tables, n batterin his ring announcer, he'd dae no bad. Its his rotten promos that put me aff the cunt. Gid wee segment but, a lot better than I expected.
The Funkadactyls vs The Bellas
Quite funny how the Funkadactyls are on the tele aw the time, but naecunts seen Tensai or Boradus since last Christmas. The Funkadactlys won when Naomi hit the Rear View, if yer wondering whit that is, its an erse bump. She bumps people wae her stoatin big erse. Nae idea why this match happened, are aw these cunts no trying tae get over as faces? Ach well eh. Sometimes hings urnae meant tae make sense.
Ma wee burd Renee Young interviewing my mainest boayzies CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. I'm fuckin convinced aw the commentators n interviewers were oot on the randan before this taping btw, wee Renee looks merry as fuck. She asks if the Wyatts attacking them both separately has helped bring them together, and the boayzies keep it short. "yes" is aw they've got tae say on the matter. DBry gets wee Renee tellt, that theres nobody in the world the Wyatts cannae beat up 3 on 1, but when yer up against the beard and the best? fuhget about it!
Punk caws Bray brilliant in a way, cause hes assembled a mad army of swamp monsters. Big brutal bastards that wid stamp on yer wullie if Bray told them tae. At Survivor Series the Beard n the Best are runnin through the swamp monsters tae get at the da. The da being Bray of course, in case ye didnae decipher that, but I'm sure ye did. Yer a smart kid.
Khali vs Hunico and Camacho
Hahahaha say whit? for a start, where in the name of Christ have Hunico and Camacho been? and why are they booked wae Khali on their return to one of the big shows? Mental. Khali ragdolls them a bit. Here btw, this isnae sayin much, but Khali has never been better in the ring. Disnae look on the verge of fawin doon every 2 seconds. Still pish like, but no dangerous pish. He does yon double haunit chokeslam thing on either Hunico or Camacho and that's enough for the W. I have nae idea whos Hunico n whos Camacho tbh.
CM Punk and Daniel Bryan vs Ryback and Curtis Axel
Axel and Punk kick things aff, which is relieving, cause I don't think I could handle jist gaun straight intae Ryback and Punk phoning it in against each other again. Bryan gets tagged in and comes aff the tap rope right away for some double axe handle action. Knee tae the breadbasket of Axel followed that, Axel gets his wits aboot him and drags Bryan tae the corner tae tag in Shiteback. The big diddy goes melt first intae the middle turnbuckle, n Bryan kicks him daft for his troubles. Punk and Ryback noo so instead of describing this tae ye, I'll tell ye a little known fact about Shawn Micheals. That eye thing if fixable so it is, but he disnae want tae get it done cause he things huvin wan eye robbin the bank and the other one keepin the edgy is a positive thing.
Nice double dropkick fae the beard n the best. Back tae Axel n Punk, Punk turns an Axel headlock intae a backdrop, followed by a running knee and clothesline, but when he went up tap for the flying elboe, Rysack pulled Axel oot the road.
He pulled him to the outside tae regroup, but they wound up huvin tae regroup their jaws tae the rest of their heid cause they got hit wae a motherfuckin DOUBLE SUICIDE DIVE FAE THE BEARD AND THE BEST.
Then my favourite Ryback moment happened, and I cannae stop laughin man. Him and Axel look like they're gaun for a double suplex, but Ryback decides tae suplex Punk himsell, while Axel stauns there wae yon "ye whit?" look on his face. Wisnae even your fault Curtis ma man, but yer auld da wid still be mega ashamed at yer shiteness.
Rywank and Axel huv a period of decent teamwork, n that could get tae fuck. Wid rather watchin Bob Backund scrape the deid skin aff his big toe.
Hunners of belly jabs fae Axel, but Punk ducked efter a while an Axel leathered square dids. Punk hits the swinging neckbreaker and finally gets yer boay Daniel Bryan in!
Kicks, followed by a clothesline, n then a sexy wee dropkick in the corner. Dropkicks Curtis Satchel aff thw apron, then snaps the Rybacks leg. Punk clears Axel oot the ring cause he wis hingin aboot bein a nuisance, and that allows Bryan tae get the YES! lock in, and just when the square diddies naecunt wis about tae tap....
Lights out. They're here
The lights come back on with Harper and Rowan standing in the ring, but Punk and Bryan are nowhere to be seen. Cunts have fuckin fled. Frustrated at the lack of wrasslin geniuses to batter, the big yins decide tae batter fuck outta Axel n Ryback instead. Big loots n lariats galore. Ryback n Axel get tossed tae the side, n the lads have a look fur Bryan n Punk. Then the boays rush the ring fae seemingly naewhere and kick Harper n Rowan right on their daft nappers. Fuckin loved Brays reaction but, aw wide eyed and heavily amused. An impeccable character so he is. Loved that wee finish, and I'll tell ye whit, I jist loved Smackdown generally this week. 8 crossface chickenwings outta 10 its gettin, cause of the brawness tae start, the brawness tae finish and the general awriteness in the middle.
Ave it.
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