Orton goes on a mad ramble about how he's no getting enough protection, n how he cannae beat the Big Show by himself now cause he got pit through a table last week. Awkward widden nonsense so it wis. Get you n yer fakebaked melt tae fuck. Triple H then asked him "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?" and I swear on my right erse cheek, he responded wae this....
"The WWE Champion, and the FACE of this company!"
So either Randy Orton hinks Triple H is the WWE Champion and the face of the company or 'he hears voices in his head'
Triple H brings Maddox and Vickie oot. Triple H n Steph book them in matches cause they were shite last week. Vickie is gonnae face wee AJ, n Maddox gets a rare chance tae whap his sweaty oaksters oot when he faces Randy Orton in a No DQ match RIGHT NOO. Kane makes sure Maddox disnae escape by stickin his haun up Brads soakin wee bum n workin him like a puppet.
Randy Orton vs Brad Maddox
Bleugh.
Maddox grabs a mic right away, n tells Randy they don't need tae dae this. Orton disagrees and pulls Maddox aboot by the collar of ees brand new Burtons shirt. Maddox still has yon mic in his haun, and decides tae Mr Kennedy it tae fuck and plant it right on Ortons daft napper. Maddox launched him intae the ringpost next and for a wee moment this wisnae bad. Gets intae the ring and hits him wae a DDT anaw, JBLs huvin 4 kittens n a baby turtle at this point, near huvin a heart attack at the prospect of Maddox winning this. Orton of course turns the tables but, the launches Maddox intae a table, n some steps, and a barricade. Aw the blunt hings. Orton his the Carmel DDT aff the barricade.
Orton pins Maddox doon by thrusting his slimy wee boaby in Bradleys melt and repeatedly strikes him in the jaw wae the same mic Maddox hit him wae. Ref stops the match. Futility n that. Whit wis the point? Orton can batter sweaty executives (exsweatcutives?) So fuck.
Curtis Axel vs Big E Langston (WWE Intercontinental Title Match)
Time's up Curty. Come up aff that strap son. Its been a irrelevant spunkrag fur too long dwelling roon your inferior waste. Time fur Big E tae bring it hame. If Big E wis tae bring it hame, it would be with a freshly jazzed up entrance theme, and speaking as a human man of the world I huv tae say FUCK Big Es new theme. Ye don't fuck wae the classics neer ye don't, this wid be like asking David Guetta tae remix Hey Jude or suhin. We don't need yer bells n whistles.
Never mind the patter about the tune but, Big E n his beautifully shapely diddies had a belt to go n win.
Big E starts oot strong, wae some thunderous shoulderblocks and a right sare wee back drop. More of that raw power shit fae Big E that ye should undoubtedly be intae. Catches a feeble kick attempt fae Axel, and leathers him wae a clothesline, before back-body-dropping the clown fae a great height.
Axel finally gets some offense in, but its pretty much jist slaps n aw that. Yer comin up aff that fuckin belt man, stop delaying the inevitable. Big E rallies, but gets hit wae a braw dropkick by Axel. Aye awrite, you jist simmer. Big E gets intae some mare explosive shit, landing Axel right on his spine wae a braw Belly to Belly, then following that up wae a beautiful big splash which recieved a stoater of a pop. Baw tingler. Axel stays alive, but his teas oot. It happenin. Big E looks for the Big Endling, but Axel blocks goes for yon jaunty neckbreaker thing he uses as a finisher, Big E is huvin none ae it but, as he pushes Axel away n floors him wae a big clothesline.
Uh-oh...is that? aye it fuckin is. He's took the straps doon, the diddies are oot and that means one thing n one thing only. BIG ENDING. 1...2.....................3, BIG E IS YER NEWWWWWWW IC CHAMP. Get the champers oot boayz. 3 wis enough this time, but in the future, I'll be needin 5 aff ye big man. Whit a fuckin stoater of a pop the big yin got but, up there wae Ziggler and DBry for the biggest pops for title wins of the year. One of they moments ye could just spread oan toast n scran for the rest of yer days.
Divas playing musical chairs. I have no fuckin idea why this abomination happened.
Throughout the show they keep pushin this awful fuckin country song by a coupla cunts who look like they go antiquing wae their aunties oan the weekends, cause its Raw Country this week or suhin., Apparently its popular err in America cause so is meth. Seriously though, I dunno why this happened but there wis a lot of gid arses in denim shorts, and it ended in a scrap, so aye. Next.
Big Show vs Ryback
Cannae even bring mysell tae re-watch this, n its no cause it wis awful either. No as bad as ye'd think anyway, I simply don't gie a flyin fuck. So I'll gie ye whit I remember fae watchin it live. Show ragdolls the square diddied irrelevance fur a bit. Ryback has a gid wee spell, n gets Show up for Shellshock and only goes n fuckin hits it! Show kicks oot but, and when Ryback goes for a second yin, Show blocks it, launches him aff the ropes and KNOCKS HIM CLEAN OOT WAE THAT BIG HAM FIST. Orton decides now's a gid time tae attack, and he gets speared intae next Tuesday.
Yon country singer cunts backstage. Heath Slater approaches and enquires if they hink they can follow The Rhinestone Cowboys. Who the fucks that I hear ye ask? its 3MB. They can dae whit they want anaw mate. Nae gimmick needs tae be set in stone. They could come oot next week n kid on their Demolition if they fuckin wanted tae. The anaemic lookin country singer cunts mumble something aboot showin them how its done. Pile ah baws.
The Real Americans vs The Miz and Kofi Kingston
A few things. Firstly, well done tae Kofi for being exceptionally blue here. Blue tap, blue bottoms, sassy attitude, oozed the blueness. Secondly, Cesaro and Miz started the match aff, and its honestly mildly frightening how much better Cesaro wis. Miz looked lit a cunt on his first day of training. Cesaro catches bawbreath in mid air and hits a vertebrae adjusting backbreaker. Then other stuff happened. Swagger caught Kofi, n hit a sare lookin powerslam hing. Miz gets tae stompin on the apron and gets the crowd EXCITED at the prospect of him being tagged in, cause they aw musta been buzzin solvents afore they got tae the show that night, but when Kofi gets tae the corner Miz jumps aff the apron, looking mildly confused at his ain actions. Don't be confused Miz meht, ye just performed the maist irrelevant heel turn in the history of cunts huvin heels, and ye need tae be taking yersell up the road noo. Swagger snaps Kofis leg, n makes him tap wae The Patriot Lock. The Miz is a heel again. Find me somedy who cares and I'll gie ye a shiny chocolate watch, wae marshamallas insteada hauns.
Vickie Guerrero vs AJ Lee
Vickie kids on shes fell doon in the back, and she cannae perform the night cause she fell doon, and fawin doon is sare. Did I mention she fell? It disnae work anyway, and they reel her oot tae the ring on a stretcher. She greets, n pees hersell a bit but she cannae avoid the match. Tamina catches her as she tries tae escape, but she persuades Tamina tae let her go somehow. Nae problem but, nae danger ataw, wee AJ skips doon the aisle to catch her, n drags her intae the ring, jist tae make sure shes awrite but. Vickie indicates that shes feelin it warm, so AJ fans her face a wee bit, then kinda snaps her neck wae yon Black Widow submission hing. Rough night Vickie hen, up the road tae fire on a wee Gossip Girl box set or suhin. It'll be awrite in the morning.
Triple H telling Sandow n Ziggler that they've tae make music together. Whit a multi faceted hustler Trips is.
Dolph Ziggler vs Damien Sandow (A mad match where theres hunners of instruments in the ring, and the competitors are urged to strike one and other with them)
This wis fun for aw it wis. Coupla guys I've got hunners of love fur, battering each other wae guitars n that. Dolph dropkicks Sandow to the outside, and goes up to the top rope, but Sandow catch him and send him flyin through a Casio Keyboard. Sandow bludgeons Dolph wae a chair, caue he wis getting sick of aw the guitar patter. He then takes a fiddle tae Zigglers dome, before Ziggler counters wae a picture perfect leaping DDT. That might no even be whit ye call that move, I really dunno, but it feels right, cause he leaps....then DDTs cunts. Anyway aye, Dolph snaps the fiddle intae tiny wee bits over Sandows back, before hitting the fameasser for a 2 count. Sandow hits back by tossing Ziggler heid first intae the chair he had set up in the corner, and Dolph sold it like he wis deid. He wisnae deid though, and he regained enough zest for life to pit a drum over Sandows heid, then paid homage tae yer Jeff Jarrett wae a beautifully clean guitar shot tae the heid, and that wis enough for the win. Along wae Big Es magnificence, this wis the only other part of the show I wis totally intae. Entertainment personified. Gid.
Yon country guys again. Go away. John Cena says hello tae them, so that means its Cena time.
John Cena wae his airm in a sling
Johns got his airm in a sling. He says its right that he's the champion cause he's no a daft Mexican charlatan wae nae heart. His name is John Cena and in 6 days he's gonnae knock Del Rio oot in front of the hale Cena family. Del Rio comes oot wae a mic in his haun and I'm no listening, nae cunt is ever listening dickhead. Never. Berty Naebelts approaches the ring, gien the impression he's gonnae attack, but Cena strikes first and cuntychops runs for the hills. How many times dae I need tae fuckin ask ye ya clown...WHERES YER BELTS AT?
R-Truth and Xavier Woods vs The Rhinestone Cowboys
Braw tae see my man Xavier Woods make his main roster debut so it wis, so for that reason I wis somewhat intae this, but it also saddened my face tae see Drew once again be the cunt that has tae job. Nae gimmick, and jobbing aw the fuckin time, its a crying shame. Jist yase the cunt properly or no at aw ffs. Drew n Jinder hit that lovely wee double team suplex hing where ye bounce yer opponents aff the top rope anaw. Xavier woods hits the Honour Roll, then Lost In The Woods tae gie the boayzies the win. Nice tae see ye Xavier ma man. Hopefully see ye daein aw the gid wrasslin and huvin belts soon enough, or at least lets huv ye hingin oot the back of the Funkadactyls.
Randy gets tellt naecunts gonnae help him at Survivor Series. Triple H is DEAD SERIOUS bro. Who gives a modicum of a fuck man? honestly.
A live performance by Georgia Country Music Singer Line, yon country music cunts I've referred to previously. Write me a 4000 word essay on why I should gie a fuck and have it on my desk by sundown ya rat bastard.
The Shield and The Wyatts vs The Rhodzies, The Usos, The Beard and The Best
I really did want tae like this, but nah. 12 is too many know whit I mean? 12 is too much man, I need 6. 8 at the maist. Its jist sare on the eyes. Too many cooks, not enough folk that urnae cooks.
Wrestling wise it wis of course very good. Excellent in fact, but it was too chaotic tae tell a gid story if ye ask me. Don't ask me though, I know fuck all.
I'll try n extract my favourite bits n tell ye whit they were eh? Some lovely fast paced cohesive shit fae The Usos on Ambrose, please give them the tag belts asap. As much as I love The Rhodes lehdz, their future is in singles competition against each other so it is, we aw ken it. Jimmy no sells a heidbutt fae his big cousin Roman Reigns, cause faimlies jist like tae rib each other sometimes. Goldy finally gets in and hus a wee cuddle wae Roman Reigns, before Rollins gets in and is sent flying by mad Goldie. Fuckin love Goldie so I dae, n if you don't, I got two words for ya! "why not?"
Harper tags himsell in and Rollins takes offence, once again The Shield and The Wyatts are at each others throats n if ye didnae have a wee semi for that, yer a better man than me meht.
Punk hasn't been in the match yet, so naturally he's directing hings fae the apron cause he's a gallus muttonchopped bastard. Cody n Rollins get intae some action together, and that wis gid anaw. This is my problem, I love aw these cunts, so its hard tae review this and make them aw look good cause of the chaotic nature of the match. Too many boayzies, no enough time. If the whole show wis 3 hours of this then it mighta worked better, but for me, it wis a bit messy.
Cody drops Rollins on his face, n Harper tags himself in again, another mild stramash between The Shield n Wyatts ensues, before Harper leathers Goldy, and receives a disaster kick fur his troubles. DANIEL BRYAN TIME! kicks tae Harper, then a drop-toe hold which landed Harper face first on the middle turnbuckle. Misisle dropkick followed, and when Rollins tried tae stop a second dropkick landing, Bryan caught him and hit yon German Suplex throw where Rollins lands on his napper. Notice how he rarely uses that on cunts other than Rollins? that's mutual respect right err so it is, Rollins knows Bryan widnae hurt him, and Bryan knows Rollins is gid enough tae sell it properly. Wrasslin palz 4 life.
Finally Bray gets in and drops some sexy elbows on Bryan, then he screams at The Shield aboot their inability tae listen. Ambrose mouths the words "I will wear you lit a fuckin surgical glove" under his breath cause he's no feart of anycunt cept the lord Jesus himself and D-Lo Brown when he used tae wear yon chest protector.
Everycunt gets a shot of flinging Bryan aboot lit wet washin, and this wis comfortably my favourite part of the match. Its the only part that wis gid storytelling imo, seeing The Shield and The Wyatts finally come together as a team. Bryan finally gets back in the ascendency but when he reverses a spinebuster attempt fae Reigns intae a DDT. PUNK FINALLY GETS TAGGED IN, and Chicago's finest cleans hoose. Kneeing n clotheslining cunts intae next Hanukah. Flying elbow on Ambrose. Wee showdown wae Bray ends in Punk kicking him on the back of the napper. Ambrose goes for the full nelson, but it gets reversed intae the anaconda vice. Disnae get the win but, somecunt breaks it up, then The Usos fly aboot daft. Punks goes for the GTS but Ambrose fights oot and hits his finisher. Reigns hits the spear on Goldy. Cody nails the fuckin cross Rhodes on Reigns the its Beard n Best time.....
Punk sets up Rollins for Bryan tae hit the clothesline, and then seemingly aw in the one motion he had hit a beautiful suicide dive on Bray. Back in the ring, Punk has somehow managed tae keep track of who the legal man is, cause he's a fuckin genius or suhin, and he hits mad Ambrose wae the GTS tae gie him and his team of assorted boayzies the win.
The Real Americans run oot tae join the Shield and Wyatts in handing out a beatdown tae yer victors, which is when I lost track of things again. As lovely as it is tae see Cesaro involved in the closing segment on RAW, that's jist an abundance of boadies. Too many. I suppose another wan widnae hurt though eh? that other boady belongs tae Rey Misterio. He Hurricanranas Cesaro oot the ring, before hitting a double 619 on Swagger and Harper. Punk hits the GTS on Harper, and Bryan hits him wae the flyin knee. Night night Harper san.
Rey and the beardy best boayzies allow the pop fae the crowd tae rain down on them like a beautiful shower of appreciation. That's right. I says they allowed the pop tae rain down on them, so whit, we fightin aboot it?
Overall I wisnae a fan of most of this weeks RAW, hence why the review is a rambling pile of chatter cause I FUCKIN LOVE REVIEWIN SHITE WRASSLIN. Big E winning the belt being the obvious highlight, and Ziggler paying homage tae Double J wis gid tae. Also didnae totally hate the main event, but it didnae tell a story and wis to cluttered wae boadies. For Big E becoming the IC Champ, it gets 6 big endings oota 10. Widda been 3 if that didnae happen though.
Lifelike portrait of Bret Hart for the outro. Be good tae each other.
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