Fuckin Orton. This shrivelled up shiny big diddy ride has nae right trying tae command my attention without a Daniel Bryan to feud wae. His sleep inducing promo about how he's in charge the night is thankfully cut short by Brad "I kin sweat through titanium" Maddox, who tells Orton he's out there tae make a match. Then corporate Kane came doon looking like somedy who should be cast a Jackie Chans bodyguard in a film where he plays the president of Hong Kong, and the bodyguard catches him daein ket aff a strippers tits, looks disappointed, but gies it a wry 'all part of the job' smile. Basically I'm saying corporate Kane is a sell oot rat bastard and he can get tae fuck.
Maddox makes a match between Orton and Rhodes, but Kane disagrees, it should be Orton v Goldie. Pick a Rhodes n stick ya pairah dicks! Vickie Guerrero emerges next n cunts jist boo n boo, and then boo and mare booing. Its gonnae be baith Rhodezies v Orton. Lovely sounding opener eh? im baws oot n waving them aboot.
Rhodes Boayzies vs Orton
Its almost embarrassing how hard these two have outwrestled this mug anytime they've stepped in a ring wae him lately. Orton circles goldust like he's his latest roofie victim n gets bronzer aw err Goldies beautiful coupon. Hate this cunt. Without DBry he is nothing. The nae-est of aw the cunts. Goldust rallies n goes for that reverse crossbody but Orton blocks n goes back tae pettin his pecker. Wrasslins aw just wan big wank tae this idiot.
Cody gets in and hits Randy wae aw the braw wrasslin patter. Missile dropkick? got ye. Wee drop doon uppercut hing? aye. Sunset flip? don't mind if I fuckin dae. Moonsault? Nae doubt. Orton goes for the RKO, but its blocked and both the boayz pap him err the ropes. Wid ye fuckin believe the big shiter took a countout? wit a total melter of a man. Thankfully TAFKATG (The Artist Formerly Known As The Giant...im trying tae make him sound relevant, did it work?) meets him on his way up the ramp and decides that now would be a good time tae pap his glistening melt through the announce table. He led Orton up some steel steps before chokeslamming him through the announce table. This is good for a few reasons, namely Orton huvin a sare back, but also JBL hus nowhere tae lean that iron jaw of his when it gets achey.
I think he broke Randy.
Show peels himsell oot fae the back of yer maw, and intae a black taxi. His work here is done. Show up, break an Orton, continue tae be irrelevant. That's the Big Show wiy.
Los Matadores and Santino vs THE UNION JACKS (3MB wae cut up bits of Union Jack bunting stuck tae their gear)
Cannae even bring mysell to be sick of this Los Matanaecunts shite anymore. I've lost the will tae rip the cunt oot it. Santino joins them and makes this a 6 man tag against a brand new trio by the name of The Union Jacks! who are these rogues I hear ye ask? Ocht Heath is that you son? id recognise they wee C Cups anywhere. Theres Drew anaw. Aw the boays are here...and Jinder wis there tae. Heath chases the wee bull aboot, cause this is the rivalry we aw look forward to seein mare fae. Drew winds up picking the wee bull up by the neck, but yon Matadors hit a double suicide dive on him, afore Santino hits Jinder wae the cobra to end this futility afore it really got goin. Get this tae fuck. Down with this sort of thing. Etc Etc.
Randys got a sare shoulder. Greetin aboot it. Take some bricks, build a bridge n get err it.
Damien Sandow vs Kofi Kingston
I struggled tae get above neutral for this, even if it wis an awrite wee match. Who cares? Sandow needs tae be in the WH title picture right fuckin now, no wasting time wae this low-mid card filler. We get aw yer usuals fae baith boays, wae the high kicking, high flying, highly predictable shtick fae Kofi, followed by Sandow winning wae You're Welcome.
Curtis Axel vs Dolph Ziggler (IC Tilte Match)
Whit a lovely wee boost this would be. That IC strap might aswell by shite paper for aw the relevance it has roon this diddies waste. Lovely wee match this was. Of course it wis, It wis basically Mr Perfect fighting himself. Dolph wae the wrestling ability AND the charisma and Axel with one of those things. Braw suplex fae Dolph, then the fuckin 10 quick elbow drop spot which makes me weep wae joy. That only brings a 2 count but, much to the dismay of everycunt. Axel whips Dolph clean oot the ring, and he sells it like a jumbo jet fell clean oot the sky, directly ontae his Solar Plexus. Axel goes for that running shoulder in the corner, which naecunt ever seems tae hit, and predictably he clatters shooder first aff the ringpost. Jabs fae dolph followed by the neckbreaker and another elbow drop wae HUNNERS of torque. Aw the elbow drap juiciness ye could ever want. Famaeasser wis followed by a facebuster aff the top rope, but Axel stays alive. Got tae gie him credit. Or dae ye? cause outta naewhere he won clean wae that horrendous looking neckbreaker hing. Fucking Axel beating him clean after no defending the fuckin hing for aboot 6 months. Take this take fuck. Great match, but the belt wis be better roon a cardboard cutoot of Papa Shango at this rate.
Nikki Bella vs Tamina
I dunno why this is still a thing, but apparently AJ and Tamina are still gaun at it wae the Smellas, If yer gonna put the belt on Brie just fuckin dae it eh, why delay the inevitable. Anyway, Nikki gets a LOT of fuckin offense in here, which of course means it wis sloppy as fuck. Nice tae see a wee headscissors takedoon, but for the most part it wis dire. Tamina won wae the superfly splash, then she took me up the road wae her n jist ravaged me. It wis an enjoyable but frightening time, id recommend it tae a pal. Really though, there wis a wee stramash between the 4 of them at the end for eh....some reason.
A vote on the app asking who wis Takers best WM opponent. HBK won of course but Batista got 4% of the vote. If you are part of that 4% you are no longer allowed tae read my shit, and ye should probably consider stoatin aff the side of a tall building.
Suhin wae The Shield n Orton. Hard tae keep up wae this live reviewing shit. The Shield don't work for Vickie apparently. Dae yees no naw? Shades of a Shield face turn here so that's gid. They either need to disband and go it alone or turn face. A wee face run could be smashin before Ambrose wins aw the belts.
Fandandgo vs Tyson Kidd
Couldnae bring mysell to care about this despite liking both folk, cause it wis only booked as an extentsion of a fuckin stupid storyline on total divas. Take that shite tae fuck. Total waste of the Nattys abundance of brawness, and a waste of two good wrestlers anaw. Fandango won wae a rollup, Kidd hits a nice hurricanrana on the outside n that's aw ye need tae know ma man. Fandango had Union Jacks on his gear tae, cause only heels love the monarchy. Fuck the system or suhin.
John Cena vs The Real Americans
Aw the brawness ye could wish for here. Apart fae Del Rio comin doon and staring at the boayz quite glaikitly. Some beautifully cohesive teamwork for ra Real Americans, wae multiple tags early on. Swagger bomb fae mad Jack, before Cena flings shoulderblocks aw over the place. Cesaro is huvin none of that and uppercuts the cunt oot his nu balances, before trying and failing tae swing the champ. Cena looks like he's gaun for the 5 knuckle shuffle on Tony, but Swagger sneaks in and goes for the patriot lock. Cena rolls through and lifts Cesaro, setting him up for the AA, but Swagger stops it wae a chopblock. Such unfathomable brawess fae these boayzies here, I had a wee jaggy stauner throughout. Swagger finally gets the Patriot Lock in, but Cena fights oot it, n hits the AA. Cesaro made the save, but ye kent that wis comin cause Cena wis lookin for the run in oot the corner of his eye. Cmon Cena son, yer my guy n that, but that's tantamount tae a spoiler. Cena makes up for that wae a peach of a powerbomb on Cesaro. Shot ma load aw up yer curtains for that so I did. AWWW THEN CESARO DONE THE UPPERCUT! yon throw up in the air and uppercut on the road doon. Hes done it to Cena on Smackdoon recently but this is the first time I've been able tae review and I'm just letting yees aw ken, it makes me very very erect. Everywhere. Unfortunately Cena got the win wae that awful STF on Swagger, but at least Cesaro didnae tap oot tae it eh. Small mercies. Cesaro attacks Cena afterwards but gets papped err the ropes, then Del Rio finally gets involved by taking a chair tae my man Cena. Not on Berty. Leathers his airm wae the chair, and locks in the cross armbreaker wae the chair involved tae but then when ye thought it couldnae get any better. ONE AINT ENOUGH MAN, WE NEED TWO. Big E joins Cena and replenishes the face workforce. Chases Del Rio tae fuck and shows us aw they beautiful double Ds. Its like yer smuggling watermelons ya big ride ye.
R-Truth vs Ryback
HAHAHAHA yass. Hopefully this time they actually bury the cunt, cause after a turgid 5 minute shiter of a match K-KWIK GETS THE WIN THE WAE THE ROLLUP. The reign of terror fae "the big guy" is OVER. If I ever see that square diddied nugget inside hell in a cell again, or even within 100 feet of CM Punk, I'm heiderin the lot ae yees, and aw yer mad uncles.
Big E Langston vs Bert Del Naebelts
This was booked efter Big E decided tae gie wee John some hauners earlier when Del Rio leathered him. Gid match. Del Rio hits a smasher of a DDT, before my man big E fires intae some lovely lariats, a wee belly tae belly and a big splash. Then seemingly oota naeplace Del Shite-o wins wae the crossarmbreaker after reversing Big Es attempt at the Big Ending. Ocht whit? I expected something so much brawer. A wee bit like when Axel first got on the mic, ye expected perfection and instead ye got a killed erection.
Heyman Promo
Oooft man. What a fantastic thing this wis. A segment tae fuel aw yer stauners. Heyman gies it a heartfelt speil about how its your hero that did this tae him! made him a cripple. A Prisoner in his own body. He felt so strongly abot telling everyone off for worshipping Punk that he slung his broken auld body on a plane n came aw the way tae England tae tell us. He greets about Punk a bit more before the man himself emerges. Axel rushes oot tae meet him but catches a GTS for his exertions. Up the road dickmooth. Punk then proceeds tae get that fuckin evil smile aw err his dial, and tips poor Paul aff his chair before leathering him stupit wae a Kendo Stick. His backs awready broken Punk ma man, nae need tae smash it intae smithereens! Then Daniel Brayn came oot for the main event and the world wis just right. I went fae 6 tae midnight, I'll no lie.
The Shield vs Daniel Bryan and CM Punk
It says a lot that this is the main event and Orton getting put through a table by Show was in the opener. It says tae me that the belt being involved in that feud is mainly tae build a wee bit of frustration amongst the fans, so the release when Bryan and Punk eventually do get back intae the picture is that much sweeter. Ye ken fine well this match is gonnae be beautiful tae, and so is their feud wae The Wyatts, so lets aw just calm it eh. Orton and Show will be a pile of futile bollocks, but I cannae see it happening more than once.
Double suplex from Daniel Bryan and CM Punk on Dean Ambrose guys. There is semen everywhere, I cannae move fur it. We get intae some Daniel Bryan n Seth Rollins and when is that ever so braw. Surfboard fae Bryan cause that's what he do, then some double team kicks fae CM Bryan, before Bryan hit that wondrous tap rope rana, which Rollins always sells perfectly. The way he jumps man? good lord. Hud tae peel me aff the ceiling I wis so amped fur it.
Ye just cannae whack this. Its aw the time tae right now in the wrasslin I watch. Cohesive team work and fast paced action tag team action. ICW is brimming wae it anaw. Punk gets in and hits a springboard clothesline, before a few normal clotheslines and a flying elbow on Ambrose. Rollins makes the save, before a missile dropkick fae Bryan knocks him doon, and then a Suicide Dive on Reigns. Punk delivers a boot to Ambrose' melt, and lets Manchester know its time tae go tae sleep. Ambrose reverses, but Reigns is right there waitin and he gets GTS'ed tae buggery. A wee back n forth wae Punk n Ambrose leads tae the anaconda vice being locked in, and then it occurred......darkness....Wyatts.
The Shield are arguing with the fuckin Wyatts man! Surely not. Surely it widnae happen. Were they turning face? aw man, ejaculate. Aw over everything. THEY'RE FIGHTIN! THE SHIELD ARE TURNING FACE! so beautiful. Reigns and Bray battling on the outside anaw. SHIELD VS WYATTS! SHIELD VS THE FUCKIN WYATTS! like everycunt wae a pulse has wanted since The Wyatts debuted. Dae this now. 6 man tag NOW. Not later. Not at the nxt PPV. NOW. And gie Bryan the belt and have him feud wae Punk. But haud oan! the boays stop their fighting and instead circle roon Punk and Bryan. Maybe we were a bit premature wae the face turn patter but boy, even the tease with tbh brawest hing. The Usos and Rhodezies gie Punk and Bryan hauners and out of naewhere we have a 12 man brawl. What a lovely and beautiful hing that whole final segment wis. Couldnae fault a second of it wae the moment we seen Paul Heyman. Such an unbelievable amount of yass.
Overall RAW had a wee bit too much filler match wise for my liking. Bert n Big E should have got a lot more time anaw, but for the passable opening match, the solid IC title match, Cesaro and Cenas brawness, and the entirety of the final segment and aw the orgasms it induced, I gie this shit a right gid and nice 7.5 drop toeholds outta 10.
D'ye agree wae me Giant Gonzlaez meht?
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