Its one of my biggest heartaches in life, never having a brother. I imagine that one of its main perks is being able to punch him as hard as possible without fear of legal repercussions, so being the law abiding sort that I am, never having a brother has meant I've never had the pleasure of really nailing another human (calm down! I mean with a punch)
Imagine my relief when I tuned in to this weeks Impact and found that Hulk Hogan is in fact my biological sibling! Well he must be right? no one can refer to you as "brother" with such frequency if they arent the blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh, receding hairline of my receding hairline.
It just so happens that every time I see Hulk, and his leather bound face, that I have an unshakable desire to land one on his chin, so get ready for a reunion bro! I'll be there in two shakes of a cats tail. I will require a 12 deck of beer, and at least 4 litres of Dr Pepper for post punch refreshments, so if you could have them ready for my arrival, that would be grand.
Anyway, listen, I sat down here to review a wrasslin show, and by the power of the good lord above, I'm going to do it.
The night begins with Sting. I like Sting. I respect Sting, and I believe you should to. It is not Stings fault, that with the miles he has on his clock, that he is still asked to be one of the main guys at TNA. He's earned the right to pick and choose his matches, pick and choose his schedule, but its not possible at this time. Sorry Steve, we need you to main event another few ppvs, because we dont trust the plethora of talented young wrestlers we have to take the company forward. We gave the ball to a few guys, but ultimately we succumbed to the fear of losing ground on WWE and gave the ball back to a "name" people recognise. We gave the ball to Bubba Ray Dudley.
Sting introduces Kurt Angle as the newest member of the Main Event Mafia. They have separate entrances to the exact same music, which is a complete waste of a minute. That might not seem like a lot, but there are at least 15 of these instances throughout the show, and you know what 15 minutes is on a 2 hour wrestling show? a match. A wrestling match god forbid, maybe even two.
The promo is tired, and laden with poor dialogue. Its a shame because I actually like the idea of the Main Event Mafia. I liked it the first time too. I think if you get the right people involved it has the potential to be great, especially with a rival stable of uppity mid carders like Aces and Eights who are primed and ready to be taken down a peg or two, but for it to work, you need everyone involved to buy in, and watching this promo convinced me Kurt and Sting do not buy in. Who could blame them really? two immense talents who simply aren't being given the platform to give their best. Its a travesty, but life is full of them, and rather than going on about how much it bothers me for another 12 paragraphs, I'll press on with the rest of this here review.
The first match of the night is a re-match of the X Division title match from Slammiversary, between Kenny King, Chris Sabin and Suicide. Chris Sabin is pulled in to the back of a removal van on his way to the ring, because the backstage area for TNA is also a truckstop apparently. The men who drag him in to said van are members of Aces and Eights, namely their leader Bully Ray. Bully cuts an eerie promo, warning Sabin not to bother cashing in his title shot that he earned by winning the X Division title, because he's a bad person, and he'll do bad things to Sabin if he does. Its a great promo tbh. Bully Ray is a properly old school, unpalatable heel, and TNA are right to have him where he is at the moment.Its important that they dont keep him there too long though, theres too much talent waiting to make this a CM Punk type of reign. If he survives Bound For Glory with the belt, then there's a problem, but right now, Bully Ray being the TNA Champion isnt the worst thing about this company, not by a long shot.
Chris Sabin vs Suicide vs Kenny King (X Division title match)
Match of the night at Slammiversary, so theres no reason why this couldnt be equally good, if not better. One thing that might make it better is perhaps a better wrestler under the guise of suicide, but the likelihood of that was slim ;)
The match is predictably great. Usual fast paced, technically proficient fare from these guys. It looks like Sabin is set to retain when he hits Hail Sabin on Kenny King, but suicide stops the three count, and steals the win by rolling king up, and holding on to the rope for the pin. Suicide becomes new X Division Champion.
What followed was something interesting, so I'd like you to imagine it how I did. I'd like you to picture it without Hulk Hogan. Hulk emerges from the back with a character named TJ Perkins, he explains to me, his sibling, that TJ Perkins is infact the real "Suicide" and whoever just won that match is an impostor who jumped TJ in the back. TJ sells this attack by appearing to be on the verge of a particularly nasty bowel movement, as Hulk demands that the Suicide in the ring reveals who he is. This is a segment that could EASILY have happened between TJ Perkins and Suicide. The segment is about the idenity of Suicide, so as long as Perkins can speak English, he could easily have sold the injury, while also asking Suicide to reveal himself. No problem. No need for Hogan to chaperone every single thing. Anyway, Suicide escpaes through the crowd and that's that for now, I'll try to keep moaning about Hogan to a minimal as we press on.
Adam Ohriner vs Ryan Howe
Have you ever wondered what it would look like if someone dissected your brain, picked something you're really into, and then custom built your worst nightmare? that is what this "match" was to me. My wrestling nightmare. As part of the TNA Gutcheck challenge, these two guys had been two of the top vote winners, for the opportunity of a shot at joining the main TNA roster. Here's the problem, they are a couple of utter morons. Posers of the highest order. Ryan Howe is just a terrible Heath Slater impersonator, who plays guitar with his mouth during his entrance. Adam Ohriner is a beast of a man, but he's also a daft meathead who couldn't spell charisma. The match is turgid viewing, and Ohriner wins, because he's really huge. AJ Styles didnt wrestle on Impact this week, but this happened instead. Life is strange.
Another great Bully Ray promo. Warning TJ Perkins (who must have had that bowel movement, because his injuries seemed to have magically healed) that he better not be involved with the Main Event Mafia. He assures Bully that he was genuinely jumped, and this all isn't part of some ruse and Bully accepts this. Bully accepts things differently from most people though, his acceptance has the unshakable feeling of a threat about it, but TJ escapes without having a second beating handed out to him that night, so good for him.
Mickie James vs Velvet Sky (Knockouts Title Match)
Love Mickie James. Particularly as a heel. She took the title from Velvet a few weeks earlier by taking advantage of her knee injury to get the win, turning heel in the process, and after weeks of dodging Velvets attempts at having a rematch, it was finally about to happen. The match was enjoyable enough, and Mickie retained with an interesting looking submission hold which I dont know the name of.
Magnus vs Bobby Roode
Currently sitting atop the Bound For Glory table with 10 points, Magnus will have been looking to cement his status as one of the front runners for the title shot at Bound For Glory. Roode, who lost his match last week to Jeff Hardy, really needed the win to gain some momentum. The match was excellent. Magnus is an example of hard work paying off in professional wrestling, because when he first joined TNA, he was average at best. All the potential in the world, and like any worker worth his boots, he worked his arse off to get to this stage, where a top quality veteran like Bobby Roode is more than willing to put him over clean. Great match, Magnus wins with the Michinoku driver. Leading the Bound For Glory series with 17 points.
Deary me. I dont know if this is deliberate but TNA have this unerring ability to get me really excited about something, only to give me the complete opposite feeling just moments later. The next segment is about nothing really. Its amusing enough, and if you're into great beards, James Storm and Gunner have you covered, but its really just a nothing segment. A waste of time. Know what would have been cool instead of it? A wrestling match. Robbie E and another equally bronze gentleman make their way to the ring, and get the piss taken out of them by Storm, and thats that.
Samoa Joe vs Ken Anderson
I suppose this is the main event eh? Its the last match of the night, so we'll go ahead and call it that anyway. Another pair of talented guys, Joe in particular, so this was a match which should have been better. Ultimately it played it like two guys who knew that the match was really a set-up to further the Aces and Eights/MEM angle, so neither provided their best work. The match is interrupted 5 minutes in by Mike Knox and Festus, who jump on the apron to distract Joe, only for Sting and Angle to rush out and save the day. Joe recomposes himself to win via submission, and is subsequently announced as the newest member of the Main Event Mafia. This I like. I haven't watched TNA often over the past few years, so forgive if im off base here, but I'd say that Samoa Joe is probably the most under utilised talent they have, and he could, no...he SHOULD be the central figure in the Main Event Mafia. Flanked by legends like Angle and Sting, depending on who they add next, it has the potential to be one of the more dominant stables in recent years.
The night ends with another Hogan appearance. Of course it does. The beginning and end of wrestling shows tend to be how most people will remember them, and he just cant allow those vital moments to be dominated by anyone other than him, and his leathery face. The whole segment is about unmasking Suicide, so why isn't the segment between Bully and Suicide? why must Mr Bollea oversee the whole thing? Thankfully he is upstaged on this occasion as Suicide does remove the mask to reveal that he is infact AUSTIN ARIES. Not only is it Austin Aries, its Austin Aries on a mission, as he informs Bully that he fully intends to cash in his title shot and take "his" belt back. Another potentially brilliant segment almost ruined by Hogans face, but this time, the talent won. WRESTLING PREVAILS.
Overall, it was a show with things I loved, and things I hated. Not much in between. Its a real shame, because TNA has the talent to be great, and its being dragged down by people who simply arent working for the greater good of the company. I give it a somewhat kind 6.5/10
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