WWE Smackdown Review 28/06/2013

The night began with a match. No seriously, I widnae lie to ye. It did. Really, look below, I review said match and aw sorts.

Sheamus vs Damien Sandow

I prefer wrestling shows to start with a match. Nae bullshit, nae chronic patter, just fighting. This  particular match was indeed a "fight", specifically a "Dublin Street Fight" between Sheamus and Damien Sandow. If yer wondering how a Dublin Street Fight differs fae a normal street fight, it apparently means we paint some fuckin kendo sticks green, and stick kiddy on wee beer taps around the outside. My wee naive hert dreams of a Sandow win, but I know its no on the cards. The match is awrite I suppose, I've never hated Sheamus, but I've never really had any desire tae see him leather anyone with a beer barrel, and having seen it occur, I could have been daein withoot it. I got a bit bored early on tbh, this match wasnt particularly creative if you compare it to the Orton vs Bryan streetfight on RAW. They really just picked up objects and tossed them at each other for the most part. Sandow sets up a chair in the corner, but before he can utilise it, he gets his melt panned in by the arse end of a bar stool. The pace picks up, and the match is actually very brutal. A sign of WWEs continued emergence from the PG era. Nae blood, but this shit was violent. Sandow breaks one of yer green kendo sticks intae a million wee bits over Sheamus' back, but Sheamus rallies of course. He had tae. Fuckin Sheamus. Sick of yer pale coupon ma man, dont hate ye or that, but yer auld hat. Sick ae it. He knocks Sandow on to some chairs he had set up, then kicks him with the brogue kick. Bleugh. Sheamus wins

Next up was a promo between Curtis Axel and The Miz. Heyman of course talking on behalf of Axel. The Miz engaging in verbal warfare with Paul Heyman is like Cena challenging Rey Mysterio tae a Hurricanrana contest. Fuckin doomed fae the start. Miz starts wae his awesome shtick, before Axel blacks his eye for him, as such, I liked this segment.

AJ Lee vs Natalya

Aside fae that daft segment with Stephanie Mcmahon, I've really enjoyed this wee feud between AJ and Kaitlyn. Know what else is good? Natalya having wrestling matches, cause she's fuckin magnificent. Gid wrestler, and a tight boady. This whole thing is fulla tight boadys, even Big E is lookin nae bad in that onesie. Before the match starts, Kaitlyn emerges to AJs theme music, whilst mimicking AJ hilariously. Returning the favor after AJ done the same to her on RAW. Kaitlyn stoats room the ring doing the wee AJ skipping routine, and distracts her enough for Natalya to roll her up for the win. Gid stuff all round. Natalys pinning the Divas champ, the whole segment just being entertaining, and also Kaitlyn hit AJ with the spear before departing. No tae sound lit a pervert or that, but lassies spearing other lassies is some hawt shit. Natalya wins.

Next up is a hilarious wee segment between Teddy Long and Vince Mcmahon. I like this funny shit. Both just saying Fandango over and over. Why did I like this so much? Am I jist in a gid mood?

Kane vs Randy Orton

YAAAAAAAAAASSS. Daniel Bryan on commentary. If you haven't heard the commentary he done on Saturday Morning Slam a while back about bears, fuckin google it NOW. If you already loved Daniel Bryan (and you should) you'll love the wee cunt on a whole other level. The match is quite boring if im honest, not terrible, but nothing to get the juices flowing really. Daniel Bryan is a better commentator than every commentator in the world put together maybe, awrite maybe im getting a bit excited, but he's good.  Bryan is encouraging his ex tag partner Kane throughout, and even gets up to help him back into the ring when the big red machine finds himself on the outside but unfortunately he pushed his auld pal right intae the RKO, and Orton gets the win.
Daniel Bryan goes up the aisle with a wry wee smile on his magnificent coupon, which indicates that there was method to his madness when he shoved Kane intae the ring. I'm a bit gutted because I assume he isnae actually going to be wrestling on this show, but hey, he cannae be on every show right? the world just isnae that kind.

Ryback vs Justin Gabriel

Ryback seems to be back where he belongs, squashing jobbers and being irrelevant. YASS. Away and take a running fuck tae yersell bawbag. Ryback of course wins...so fuck.
Jericho then emerges to have a wee word with his opponent at MITB. This match harshes my buzz somethin fierce man, why not book a nae hoper haddy like Sheamus tae stink the ring up wae Ryback, and put Jercho where he belongs in the MITB ladder match? But such is life, Jericho rushes the ring and attacks at seemingly hobbled Ryback, and tries to put him in the Walls of Jericho, but much to everyone on the planets displeasure, he disnae get it locked in. Ryback scurries away.

The Shield vs The Usos and Christian

This match is just bawdeep in amazin. I'm Usos daft, so I'm loving the fact that they're getting this push. Good wrestlers man. They seem to be in infinite supply right now, so why not just have them aw wrestle each other eh? Nae shite. nae Great Khali, nae Ryback, nae Miz, nae R-Truth. Theres nae call for this turgid shite anymore. Dean Ambrose gives me a stealthy wrasslin boner. Absolutely solid fur it. At one point he's kncoking fuck out of Christian while screaming "you know you're a nitwit!" at him in this most demonic way, fuckin intense. This match was a fucking topper, and has the interesting wee shock of The Usos and Christian winning, after some frenetic action, which included some fuckin wonderful dives to the outside from the Usos, and finally a death defying dive/flip thing from Seth Rollins. Ambrose is distracted by this and Christian hits the spear for the win. Disappointing that he was the one to be pinned, but still a braw match. Excellent.

The night ends with a Fiesta for Del Rio. My main problem with this shit, is fuck Del Rio. Fuck him and his stupid fuckin vacant mush. He declares hes only gonnae speak Spanish, and thank fuck for that, means we dont need tae listen tae the cunt ramble on.He unfortunately switches back to English, before switching back to the nearest hospital after Dolph emerges and knocks his stupid cunt in, delivering a hellacious boot to the baws in the process. He first puts Ricardo Rodriguez through the wee party table ADR had laid oot, before hitting the man himself with the zigzag. He then tries to smash him with the guitar thats kickin about, but Del Rio escapes, so Ricardo takes that bump anaw. Ziggler plays a wee bit of guitar with the Mariachi band on his way up the road anaw, fuckin majestic stuff.

Fuckin love face Ziggler. Hell bent on getting that belt back. Cannae wait for it happening. It might even get a bigger pop than that amazing night he won it. If thats possible.

Overall a good Smackdown, Miz and Ryback aside. Loved the Shield v Usos and Christian match, and the Ziggler heroism at the end. Gid gear.

Remember, if its up yer granny's loft, in Aldi, or roon the back of the high flats wae that wee burd ye've had yer eye on since yees sat next tae each other in Higher Biology. Stay safe, dont try this.

TNA Impact Review 27/06/2013

Its one of my biggest heartaches in life, never having a brother. I imagine that one of its main perks is being able to punch him as hard as possible without fear of legal repercussions, so being the law abiding sort that I am, never having a brother has meant I've never had the pleasure of really nailing another human (calm down! I mean with a punch)

Imagine my relief when I tuned in to this weeks Impact and found that Hulk Hogan is in fact my biological sibling! Well he must be right? no one can refer to you as "brother" with such frequency if they arent the blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh, receding hairline of my receding hairline.
It just so happens that every time I see Hulk, and his leather bound face, that I have an unshakable desire to land one on his chin, so get ready for a reunion bro! I'll be there in two shakes of a cats tail. I will require a 12 deck of beer, and at least 4 litres of Dr Pepper for post punch refreshments, so if you could have them ready for my arrival, that would be grand.

Anyway, listen, I sat down here to review a wrasslin show, and by the power of the good lord above, I'm going to do it.

The night begins with Sting.  I like Sting. I respect Sting, and I believe you should to. It is not Stings fault, that with the miles he has on his clock, that he is still asked to be one of the main guys at TNA. He's earned the right to pick and choose his matches, pick and choose his schedule, but its not possible at this time. Sorry Steve, we need you to main event another few ppvs, because we dont trust the plethora of talented young wrestlers we have to take the company forward. We gave the ball to a few guys, but ultimately we succumbed to the fear of losing ground on WWE and gave the ball back to a "name" people recognise. We gave the ball to Bubba Ray Dudley.

Sting introduces Kurt Angle as the newest member of the Main Event Mafia. They have separate entrances to the exact same music, which is a complete waste of a minute. That might not seem like a lot, but there are at least 15 of these instances throughout the show, and you know what 15 minutes is on a 2 hour wrestling show? a match. A wrestling match god forbid, maybe even two.

The promo is tired, and laden with poor dialogue. Its a shame because I actually like the idea of the Main Event Mafia. I liked it the first time too. I think if you get the right people involved it has the potential to be great, especially with a rival stable of uppity mid carders like Aces and Eights who are primed and ready to be taken down a peg or two, but for it to work, you need everyone involved to buy in, and watching this promo convinced me Kurt and Sting do not buy in. Who could blame them really? two immense talents who simply aren't being given the platform to give their best. Its a travesty, but life is full of them, and rather than going on about how much it bothers me for another 12 paragraphs, I'll press on with the rest of this here review.

The first match of the night is a re-match of the X Division title match from Slammiversary, between Kenny King, Chris Sabin and Suicide. Chris Sabin is pulled in to the back of a removal van on his way to the ring, because the backstage area for TNA is also a truckstop apparently. The men who drag him in to said van are members of Aces and Eights, namely their leader Bully Ray. Bully cuts an eerie promo, warning Sabin not to bother cashing in his title shot that he earned by winning the X Division title, because he's a bad person, and he'll do bad things to Sabin if he does. Its a great promo tbh. Bully Ray is a properly old school, unpalatable heel, and TNA are right to have him where he is at the moment.Its important that they dont keep him there too long though, theres too much talent waiting to make this a CM Punk type of reign. If he survives Bound For Glory with the belt, then there's a problem, but right now, Bully Ray being the TNA Champion isnt the worst thing about this company, not by a long shot.

Chris Sabin vs Suicide vs Kenny King (X Division title match)

Match of the night at Slammiversary, so theres no reason why this couldnt be equally good, if not better. One thing that might make it better is perhaps a better wrestler under the guise of suicide, but the likelihood of that was slim ;)
The match is predictably great. Usual fast paced, technically proficient fare from these guys. It looks like Sabin is set to retain when he hits Hail Sabin on Kenny King, but suicide stops the three count, and steals the win by rolling king up, and holding on to the rope for the pin. Suicide becomes new X Division Champion.

What followed was something interesting, so I'd like you to imagine it how I did. I'd like you to picture it without Hulk Hogan. Hulk emerges from the back with a character named TJ Perkins, he explains to me, his sibling, that TJ Perkins is infact the real "Suicide" and whoever just won that match is an impostor who jumped TJ in the back. TJ sells this attack by appearing to be on the verge of a particularly nasty bowel movement, as Hulk demands that the Suicide in the ring reveals who he is. This is a segment that could EASILY have happened between TJ Perkins and Suicide. The segment is about the idenity of Suicide, so as long as Perkins can speak English, he could easily have sold the injury, while also asking Suicide to reveal himself. No problem. No need for Hogan to chaperone every single thing. Anyway, Suicide escpaes through the crowd and that's that for now, I'll try to keep moaning about Hogan to a minimal as we press on.

Adam Ohriner vs Ryan Howe

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if someone dissected your brain, picked something you're really into, and then custom built your worst nightmare? that is what this "match" was to me. My wrestling nightmare. As part of the TNA Gutcheck challenge, these two guys had been two of the top vote winners, for the opportunity of a shot at joining the main TNA roster. Here's the problem, they are a couple of utter morons. Posers of the highest order. Ryan Howe is just a terrible Heath Slater impersonator, who plays guitar with his mouth during his entrance. Adam Ohriner is a beast of a man, but he's also a daft meathead who couldn't spell charisma. The match is turgid viewing, and Ohriner wins, because he's really huge. AJ Styles didnt wrestle on Impact this week, but this happened instead. Life is strange.

Another great Bully Ray promo. Warning TJ Perkins (who must have had that bowel movement, because his injuries seemed to have magically healed) that he better not be involved with the Main Event Mafia. He assures Bully that he was genuinely jumped, and this all isn't part of some ruse and Bully accepts this. Bully accepts things differently from most people though, his acceptance has the unshakable feeling of a threat about it, but TJ escapes without having a second beating handed out to him that night, so good for him.

Mickie James vs Velvet Sky (Knockouts Title Match)

Love Mickie James. Particularly as a heel. She took the title from Velvet a few weeks earlier by taking advantage of her knee injury to get the win, turning heel in the process, and after weeks of dodging Velvets attempts at having a rematch, it was finally about to happen. The match was enjoyable enough, and Mickie retained with an interesting looking submission hold which I dont know the name of. 

Magnus vs Bobby Roode

Currently sitting atop the Bound For Glory table with 10 points, Magnus will have been looking to cement his status as one of the front runners for the title shot at Bound For Glory. Roode, who lost his match last week to Jeff Hardy, really needed the win to gain some momentum. The match was excellent. Magnus is an example of hard work paying off in professional wrestling, because when he first joined TNA, he was average at best. All the potential in the world, and like any worker worth his boots, he worked his arse off to get to this stage, where a top quality veteran like Bobby Roode is more than willing to put him over clean.  Great match, Magnus wins with the Michinoku driver. Leading the Bound For Glory series with 17 points.

Deary me. I dont know if this is deliberate but TNA have this unerring ability to get me really excited about something, only to give me the complete opposite feeling just moments later. The next segment is about nothing really. Its amusing enough, and if you're into great beards, James Storm and Gunner have you covered, but its really just a nothing segment. A waste of time. Know what would have been cool instead of it? A wrestling match. Robbie E and another equally bronze gentleman make their way to the ring, and get the piss taken out of them by Storm, and thats that.

Samoa Joe vs Ken Anderson

I suppose this is the main event eh? Its the last match of the night, so we'll go ahead and call it that anyway. Another pair of talented guys, Joe in particular, so this was a match which should have been better. Ultimately it played it like two guys who knew that the match was really a set-up to further the Aces and Eights/MEM angle, so neither provided their best work. The match is interrupted 5 minutes in by Mike Knox and Festus, who jump on the apron to distract Joe, only for Sting and Angle to rush out and save the day. Joe recomposes himself to win via submission, and is subsequently announced as the newest member of the Main Event Mafia. This I like. I haven't watched TNA often over the past few years, so forgive if im off base here, but I'd say that Samoa Joe is probably the most under utilised talent they have, and he could, no...he SHOULD be the central figure in the Main Event Mafia. Flanked by legends like Angle and Sting, depending on who they add next, it has the potential to be one of the more dominant stables in recent years.

The night ends with another Hogan appearance. Of course it does. The beginning and end of wrestling shows tend to be how most people will remember them, and he just cant allow those vital moments to be dominated by anyone other than him, and his leathery face. The whole segment is about unmasking Suicide, so why isn't the segment between Bully and Suicide? why must Mr Bollea oversee the whole thing? Thankfully he is upstaged on this occasion as Suicide does remove the mask to reveal that he is infact AUSTIN ARIES. Not only is it Austin Aries, its Austin Aries on a mission, as he informs Bully that he fully intends to cash in his title shot and take "his" belt back. Another potentially brilliant segment almost ruined by Hogans face, but this time, the talent won. WRESTLING PREVAILS.

Overall, it was a show with things I loved, and things I hated. Not much in between. Its a real shame, because TNA has the talent to be great, and its being dragged down by people who simply arent working for the greater good of the company. I give it a somewhat kind 6.5/10

TNA Impact Review 20/06/2013

I'll start by saying I dont really watch TNA, so if the following is peppered with confusion and expletives aimed at Hulk Hogan, please forgive me.

The show starts with Hogan talking to a bunch of guys in the ring. Talking to the talent. Detracting from the talent, because hes a limelight hogging parasite. The camera pans to an adult male, excitedly waving around a red and yellow jacket with Hogans face on it. I launch the beer im drinking at the tv and it catches fire.

Hogan explains to the crowd that its open fight night, and that the 12 men in the ring had qualified for the Bound For Glory series. Everyone knew that though. Even I knew that and I dont even watch TNA. Seriously Hulk, get fucked.

Ken Anderson vs Joseph Park

Anderson got the win after big Luke Gallows interfered, and I got unreasonably irritated at Taz and his rotten heel commentary. Thats about all I've got for this one tbh. Anderson wins via pinfall.

Next was an Aces and Eights promo backstage. with Bully addressing the troops. Bullys a good heel, but it has a weird feel to it. Rambling about his wife. I dont care brah, say things about wrestling.

Austin Aries vs Jay Bradley

 I have no earthly idea who Jay Bradley is tbh. I gave him a google and apparently hes ex WWE. He sends a wee corny as fuck challenge towards Aries, and out he comes. I haven't seen enough of Aries , so I was looking forward to this, and it was ok. A bit short, but I was impressed with Aries, as he picked up the win with a Brainbuster on a guy that must have been at least 60 pounds heavier than him.

Hernandez vs Christopher Daniels

Fuck Hernandez. Daniels is a talented guy, and made this watchable, but fuck Hernandez.

Daniels gets the win with the BME.

Kazarian vs Magnus

This was ok. The last time saw Magnus he was shite, but I've heard he's improved and that certainly seemed to be the case. Magnus picked up the win with the Texas Cloverleaf, giving him 10 points in the Bound for Glory series. Good for him. Hurrah.

More Hogan. This time a promo with Bully Ray. Bully Ray comes across well again, but guess what? Its not about wrestling. Its not about anything of significance to wrestling either, its about Hogan. Listen Terry, I was your biggest fan as a kid, and I still had all the respect in the world for you 2-3 years ago, but get your decrepit melted face to fuck please.

Finally something I'm into! I heard about this promo and its half the reason I watched this in the first place. Brooke Hogan addresses the knockouts divsion, but thats not why I watched it, because fuck Brooke Hogan. Mickie James comes out, and her promo is decent. I've always liked Mickie James and I fuckin hated that angle about her weight in WWE, so its good to see her somewhere where her talents are used in a less snidey way. Her promo isnt the reason I watched this either though, the reason I watched it was for Eric Young. All these gorgeous ladies in the ring, and I'm tuned in for a guy, but that guy just happens to be fuckin hilarious. He explains that he and his wife ODB will have tae give up the Knockouts Tag Titles because "If you wanna get technical about it, if you wanna get down to brass tax, carry the two over the common denominator...technically I'm not a woman" Fuckin slayed me. He then announces its national kissing day, and kisses the face off his missus. A thoroughly entertaining segment all in. Give me more of this kinda shit please.

AJ Styles vs Samoa Joe

Enjoyable contest this. The last time I watched TNA with any regularity was when Samoa Joe was champ, so I've always enjoyed his work. Styles is great too. They wrestle to a very enjoyable 15 minute time limit draw. Not a Hogan in sight so it gets two thumbs up from this guy. WRESTLING PREVAILS.

Bobby Roode vs Jeff Hardy

I'm a fan of Roode, and he bossed this for the most part, so I was surprised to see Hardy win clean. Decent match. Hardy looked 10x better than he was when I watched his match at Slammiversary so I suppose thats good.

The show ended with a decent segment between the TNA Champ Bully Ray and Sting. Sting chases Bully up the aisle with the intent to hand out a beat down, only for Kurt Angle to attack Bully from behind and stick him in the anklelock for what felt like around an hour. Turns out Kurt Angle is the newest member of the Main Event Mafia, and they're intent on ending Aces and Eights reign of terror or whatever. Classic stable vs stable fair. I'm not mad at it, but I feel like I've seen it a million times.

Aside from the Hogan bits it wasnt bad I suppose, but it all felt a wee bit erratic. Theres an abundance of talent there, and for me it just felt like it wasnt being used properly. If theres talent like AJ Styles, Kurt Angle, Bobby Roode, Sting, Samoa Joe and Austin Aries at your disposal, then why am I being subjected to numerous Hulk Hogan promos? Fuckin senseless. TNA should be the alternative to all the "Sports Entertainment" crap, but this all felt like a shit WCW impression for the most part and a lot of that is down to Hogan.

Trust the stack of good wrestlers you employ to run your wrestling company please. If you want to, no pressure.

WWE NXT Review - 27/06/2013

I enjoy NXT. It has good wrestlers on it know? Guys n gals who care about what they do and aw that. Its refreshing. I kinda hope it never gets a US TV deal, because theres a chance the product could suffer. They'll send The Miz over tae be GM or something, and make Harry Styles the permanent musical guest, singing the entrance themes in an ear shattering falsetto.

Big E Langston vs Some guy in jeans

Nae idea who his opponent was, and I didnae care enough to go back and find out. Big E is great though. For having aw that muscle, he moves well, and he can wrestle. Usual squash match type of affair here, although after he gets the pin, he delivers the Big Ending twice more, and pins him to his own count of 5. The 5 count thing is genius, and really needs to make its way to main roster Big E. Hefty love it. Big E wins.

Next is a wee segment backstage with a peculiar wee Australian burd called Emma. She blows bubbles in the interviewers face and generally acts weird. Weird is good. Weird gives me tingles in my special place. I like her.

Emma vs Aksana

Emma emerges to a good pop, and  a good few chants of her name. Its heart warming stuff. She does this hilarious thing where she enters the ring by hoisting herself fae the outside via the middle rope, gettin aw tangled up in the process. That's also hilarious. I like this whole thing so I dae. Match is pretty decent too, and Emma wins via a sare lookin submission hold cried the "dilEMMA".She then does some hilariously awkward dancing in the ring, accompanied by some bairns from the crowd. All in all, a feel good wee segment. Braw.

Dante Dash vs Leo Kruger

Never heard of ever of these dudes, but Kruger appears to be the one getting the push, as a wee promo of his is shown before the match. Ach its awrite, but nothing to write home about. Kruger seems to be pushed as an eccentric weirdo, but I wisnae really intae it tbh. Kruger wins with an armbar type of thing.

Bo Dallas vs  Mickey Keegan

Ugh..Bo Dallas. This must be an angle eh. No human being can just be this naturally irritating. It must be his gimmick. He's gonnae give us this "IM THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE!" shtick for a few more months, get booed and turn heel. He emerges to a mixture of boos and indifference and wins with what appears to be an armdrag. Perhaps  spoke too soon about that Kruger character, because he's ringside throughout the match, just kinda lurking, and when its done he enters the ring and attacks this Keegan character, before leering at Dallas for a bit and headin up the road. Interesting stuff Mr Kruger, whit else ye got for me?

Corey Graves and Kassius Ohno vs Scott Dawson and Garret Dylan

A match to determine the Number One contenders to the NXT Tag Titles here. Fair enough, but does this mean nae Wyatts? I hope no! The match is pretty good right enough. Everyone involved is competent enough, particularly Kassius Ohno. Graves gets the win with a variation of the figure 4 called "lucky 13".  His joy was short lived though, as The Wyatt Family came rushing out to quite possibly knock fuck out them. They proceed to carry out the fuck knocking, and even the defeated Dawson and Dylan join in making it 5 on 2. William Regal, being the noble cunt that he is, decides to leave his position on commentary to help the boays oot, but that was a poor decision. Not smart Willie ma man. If only he'd thought to do the math, he'd have realised even with all his greatness, its still 5 on 3, and yer still gonnae get yer hole toed. He does indeed get the brutal-est of doings, before Bray Wyatt screams "I'm the king now!" in his face.

It must be time now eh? surely its Wyatt time on Raw? The anticipation has reached its peak if ye ask me, lets get them in there next week. Hopefully knock seven shades oot the Miz.

In conculsion....NXT is really good. Watch it if ye like good things.





 

Wrestlemania 11 - Nostalgia n that

Aw dear. What the fuck have I got myself intae here. The show begins with the archbishop of greasy as fuck mullets Todd Pettingill excitedly talking about fuck all. Phone yer local cable company if ye want tae see the show folks. Cause its 1995, and the hoose phone isnae obsolete. I'm freakin oot here.

After some build up chat which was maybe 2% about wrestling, and 98% shite about celebrities. Pretty much like any other Mania but its mildly irritating aw the same. Having looked at the card, I forgive them for no really wanting to sell this mania based on the quality of wrestling in store, because to put it kindly...it looked fuckin shite. Heres hoping its no shite though eh! Although having seen it before a couple of times, If my vague recollections are correct, its quite shite. On a scale of 1 tae shite, its about a 7. So seven shites. 

Jacob and Eli Blu vs British Bulldog and Lex Luger

Match isnae worth describng really. A snoozefest, but Jacob and Eli Blu were managed by a spritely lookin Zeb Colter, so that was quite cool tae see. The best bit of this was his wee promo wae Jim Ross on his way back up the aisle, after his boys got their arsed handed to them aff the Anglo American Steroid Collective. Bulldog and Luger win. Jacob and Eli went on to form an equally shite, but far less hairy tag team when they became the DOA a few years later.

Razor Ramon vs Jeff Jarrett

I was Razor daft as a bairn. Much of my recent life as a wrestling fan has been spent dreading hearing that he's drunk himself to death, so its gid news that Scott Hall is in better health. Taking that positivity intae watching this, I actually fair enjoyed it. Initially I really enjoyed the fact that Razor was accompanied to the ring by X-Pac in a kimono. Jeff Jarrett was managed by The Road Dogg in a backwards cap anaw, cause mirrors only existed as a potential Justin Timberlake solo single back then. The twilight zone was brought to a close, when Razor looked like he was about to hit the Razors Edge, only for The Road Dogg in aw his sleekit wisdom to jump in and get Jarrett DQ'd. Razor wins via DQ, Jarrett keeps the belt. 

Undertaker vs King Kong Bundy

Undertaker wins. Its Wrestlefuckinmania. He always wins. Bundy and Ted DiBiase run away with the Urn but, cause this is a rivalry that 1995 really needed tae see more of.

Owen Hart and Yokozuna vs The Smoking Gunns

I was a wee touch sad when Owen came oot. Pure fuckin talent, taken from us cause of a daft stunt he didnae even want to do. Yokozuna is revealed as his mystery tag partner, and I got even sadder cause he's deid tae, but hey, when Billy Gunn stoats doon wae the most hilarious of porno tashes, ye realise its no aw bad. Owen and Yokozuna win, and take the tag belts in the process. Yee-fuckin ha or suhin. 

Bob Backlund vs Bret Hart (I quit match)

Ye awrite? I feel like ye might be gettin a bit bored here. Me tae mate. We've aw lost a bit of interest in this project I feel but listen, I'm willing to press on if you are ma love.
Backlunds a legit nutjob, and the match is no too bad. Roddy Piper is the special guest ref, and he asks if Backlund wants to quit 266 times. On the 267th, he says aye. Hart wins.

Diesel vs HBK (WWF Title Match)

Classic case of Pamela Anderson switching wrestlers man, its just that classic scenario know whit I mean? seen it so many times in wrestling. Daft Pamela Anderson stickin her nose in where its no wanted. She was supposed to accompany HBK, but she just switched sides on him like that.
Pretty certain this is what led tae HBK losing, well that and the fact that he had Diesel pinned for about 5 minutes while the ref was away gettin a cheeseburger. Diesel eventually won with a hilariously botched jacknife. Match was actually no bad aside from that.

Lawrence Taylor vs Bam Bam Bigelow

This is my pet hate in wrestling. I mean theres a place for celebrity guests if its the betterment of the business, but is having Bam Bam Bigelow job tae an American Football player helping legitimise wrestling? is it fuck. Purely designed so cunts that know who he is buy the ppv. Pile of utter fuckin shite. Lawrence Taylor wins with a fuckin forearm aff the second rope, cause thats the kind of move that usually beats 300 pound monsters. Fuckin get tae fuck.


So what have we learned from this wee project troops? A few things. X-Pac can pull off a Kimono/Joggie bottoms combo, aw mullets are manky lookin, and 1995 was a dark time for wrestling.

God bless us...every one. x

TNA Impact Review 20/06/2013

I'll start by saying I dont really watch TNA, so if the following is peppered wae confusion and expletives aimed at Hulk Hogan, please forgive me.

The show starts with Hogan talking to a bunch of guys in the ring. Talking to the talent. Detracting from the talent, because hes a limelight hogging auld shite. The camera pans to an adult male, excitedly waving around a red and yellow jaiskit wae Hogans face on it. I launch the can im drinking at the tele and it catches fire.

Hogan explains to the crowd that its open fight night, and that the 12 men in the ring had qualified for the Bound For Glory series. Everyone knew that though. Even I knew that and I dont even watch TNA. Seriously Hulk ma man, whit ye daein?

Ken Anderson vs Joseph Park

Anderson got the win after big Luke Gallows interfered, and I got unreasonably irritated at Taz and his rotten heel commentary. Thats about all I've got for this yin tbh. Anderson wins via pinfall.

Next was an Aces and Eights promo backstage. with Bully addressing the troops. Bullys a good heel, but it has a weird feel tae it. Gibbering about his wife. I dont care mate, say hings about wrestling.

Austin Aries vs Jay Bradley

 I have no earthly idea who Jay Bradley is tbh. I gave him a wee google and apparentely hes ex WWE. He sends a wee cheesy as fuck challenge towards Aries, and out he comes. I haven't seen enough of Aries tbh, so I was looking forward to this, and it was awrite. A bit short, but I was impressed with Aries, as he picked up the win with a Brainbuster on a cunt that must have been at least 3-4 stone heavier than him.

Hernandez vs Christopher Daniels

Fuck Hernandez. Daniels is a talented guy, and made this watchable, but here...fuck Hernandez.
Daniels gets the win with the BME. 

Kazarian vs Magnus

This was ok. The last time saw Magnus he was kinda shite, but I've heard he's improved and that certainly seemed to be the case.Magnus picked up the win with the Texas Cloverleaf, giving him 10 points in the Bound for Glory series. Good for him n that eh.

More Hogan. This time a promo with Bully Ray. Bully Ray comes across well again, but guess what? Its not about wrestling. Its not about anything of significance to wrestling either, its about Hogan. Listen Terry, I was yer biggest fan as a bairn, and I still had all the respect in the world for ye 2-3 years ago, but get yer decrepit auld melted face tae fuck please.

Finally something I'm intae! I heard about this promo and its half the reason I watched this in the first place tbh. Brooke Hogan addresses the knockouts divsion, but thats not why I watched it, because fuck Brooke Hogan. Mickie James comes out, and her wee bit is awrite. I've always been daft on Mickie James and I fuckin hated that angle about her weight in WWE, so its good to see her somewhere where her talents are used in a less snidey way. Her bit isnae the reason I watched this either though, the reason I watched it was for Eric Young. Aw these rides in the ring, and I'm tuned in for a guy, but that guy just happens to be fuckin hilarious. He explains that he and his wife ODB will have tae give up the Knockouts Tag Titles because "If you wanna get technical about it, if you wanna get down to brass tax, carry the two over the common denominator...technically I'm not a woman" Fuckin slayed me. He then announces its national kissing day, and winches the face of his missus. A thoroughly entertaining segment all in. Gies more of this kinda shit please.

AJ Styles vs Samoa Joe

Enjoyable wee contest this. The last time I watched TNA with any regularity was when Samoa Joe was champ, so I've always enjoyed his work. Styles is braw aswell. They wrestle to a very enjoyable 15 minute time limit draw. Not a Hogan in sight so it gets two thumbs up fae this guy. WRESTLING PREVAILS.

Bobby Roode vs Jeff Hardy


I'm a fan of Roode, and he bossed this for the most part, so I was surprised to see Hardy win clean. Decent wee match but. Hardy looked 10x better than he was when I watched his match at Slammiversary so I suppose thats good.

The show ended with a decent enough wee segment between the TNA Champ Bully Ray and Sting. Sting chases Bully up the aisle with the intent tae hand out a beat down, only for Kurt Angle to attack Bully from behind and stick him in the anklelock for what felt like around an hour. Turns out Kurt Angle is the newest member of the Main Event Mafia, and they're intent ending Aces and Eights reign of terror or whatever. Classic stable vs stable fair. I'm no mad at it, but I feel like I've seen it a million times.


Ach aside from the Hogan bits it was no bad I suppose, but it all felt a wee bit scatty. Theres an abundance of talent there, and for me it just felt like it wisnae being used properly. See if theres talent like AJ Styles, Kurt Angle, Bobby Roode, Sting, Samoa Joe and Austin Aries at yer disposal, then why am I being subjected to numerous Hulk Hogan promos? Fuckin senseless. TNA should be the alternative to all the "Sports Entertainment" pish, but this all felt like a shite WCW impression for the most part and a lot of that is down to Hogan.

Trust the stack of good wrestlers you employ to run yer wrestling company please. If ye want like, nae pressure.

Raw Review 24/06/2013

Theres something unerringly likeable about Daniel Bryan. His in-ring gifts are obviously a huge part of it, but if that was the be all and end all, Shelton Benjamin would be a World Champion. Theres something else that makes him so widely loved. A peculiar charisma.

The fact that he opened this weeks Raw just shows how highly regarded he is at the moment. Cenas daft wee monologue hidden in the mid card, cause its just not what folk want tae see. Its auld hat. We're done wae it. The opening segment of any show should be designed to keep the viewer from changing the channel, and thats exactly what you get when Daniel Bryan opens yer show. Glued tae it.

The promo was more of the usual. A blend of weak link patter, and a declaration of intent tae tap Ortons jaw. Orton emerged to deliver some tired sounding shite, before the two started brawling. The wee ref that looks lit David Spade caugh a dull yin in the process and the match was declared a double DQ, but dont despair troops, they would have a real match later in the show, and boy was it worth waiting for!

We still had the warm up acts to see first, starting with..

Christian and Sheamus vs Team Rhodes Scholars

Inoffensive filler is how I'd describe this. Good tae see Christian looking sharp, and Rhodes Scholars were excellent, but the finish was predictable as fuck, and I just didnae see the point. Sheamus brogue kicked Cody Rhodes intae next month after a quick tag, and Sheamus and Christian got the win. Didnae hate it, but at the end of the day, so fuck? know. Just so fuck.

Next up was CM Punk shouting at Vickie Guerrero. When Vickie speaks, it tends tae just reach my ears as an intolerable buzzing, but the jist I got fae Punk was that he wished to be informed if either Paul Heyman or Brock Lesnar entered the building. Then he went back tae playing Tetris on his phone.

Kaitlyn vs Aksana

Match itself was a sloppy pile of nonsense, but the development of the angle between Kaitlyn and AJ at the end was interesting enough. The humiliation of Kaitlyn angle is kinda close to the Mickie James vs Michelle Mccool/Layla angle which focused on Mickies weight, as AJ came out to Kaitlyns music wearing a muscle suit to imitate Kaitlyns muscular frame. Heres the thing, I think its a compliment more than anything cause Kaitlyn is F-I-N-E and so is Mickie James. How about ye develop an angle between two "divas" that focusses on something other than their ability tae put each other down eh. Wuman power n aw that. Oh and Kaitlyn still won despite the distraction, and out came Big E in yer auld da's bowling shirt looking suave as fuck to join in the mocking of Kaitlyn.

Wyatt Family promo. Feels familiar, but its still captivating. These promos are a triumph for creative at the moment, but there's a big difference between great promos and using the Wyatts correctly as an active wrestling stable. We'll see what happens eh. They're coming.

Alberto Del Rio vs Chris Jericho

Rematch from Smackdown. Another ok match, but nothing to really rev the engine. Mainly cause I hate Del Rios stupid face. Ricardo Rodriguez saved ADR from tapping while he was locked in the walls of Jericho, so naturally oot came Dolph to pretty much batter everyone. After him and Jericho cleared the ring, this time it was Dolph who got the sucker punch in, when he hit the Zig Zag on Jericho as he was leaving the ring. I'm Y2J daft, but fuckin SIT DOON mate. Zig Zagged intae next week. Jericho wins by DQ.

Next up was a promo between Triple H, Vickie and Brad Maddox. Brad Maddox is creepy. Properly eerie. No in a cool way either. Not intentionally like the Wyatts. He's just a weirdo. The central thesis tae the segment was to announce that DBry and Orton would infact have a match later in the night. 

After that we has Sheamus Brogue Kicking a cat out of a tree, and naw, im no kiddin. 

The Rock is on the front cover of the next WWE game btw. This announcement was made in a segment that I have nae intention of re-living. An awful waste of time, but thats the core bit of info tae take away from it. Dwayne on the cover. The end.

Ryback vs Khali

Kindly get this tae fuck please. Ryback wins. 

A fuckin waste of an hour this was aw in, perhaps a bit more. We followed that Ryback shite, with a Cena promo so filled wae cheese, it wid gie ye heart failure. Rotten.

The Usos vs Nuns of Funk vs DHDnJ (dont hinder Drew n Jinder)

All I wanted from this was a clean win for The Usos, and I got my wish. Number one contenders for the tag belts, I anticipate a beezer of a match coming up between them and The Shield. Uso'ed oot my nut. The Shield showed up afterwards, but didnae attack. That would be the only Shield sighting for the evening anaw, which just seems illogical tae me.  Tons of Funk and Khali on the card, but nae Shield or Cesaro, nae logic to it at all.

After that was Punk and Heyman promo. Delicious. CM Punk projects his personality in a very special way on the mic. For long spells it feels like he's talking to you one on one, and its magical. He tells Paul Heyman that regardless of whether he sent Brock out to attack Punk last week, that he's coming for Brock. Heyman assures him he wasnt responsible. They embrace. A truly brilliant promo, with some trademark shooting from Punk. Gies this. Every week. Aw the time. 

CM Punk vs Darren Young

Fuckin....eh? The Prime Time Players are probably the Tag Team that's furthest away from a shot at the belts, yet Darren Young is booked in a match wae Punk? and is actually made to look decent? Weird as fuck. Match was ok. Young hit that firemans carry intae the gutbuster that Wolfgang uses, but Punk kicked out and got the win via the Anacdonda Vice. Yer man Titus O'Neal decides aint havin that, and decides to engage Punk in hand to hand combat. Young emerges from his daze tae join in and all of sudden Punks getting his baws toed. Not to worry but, out came the kid Curtis Axel to save him from certain death. Punk isnae best pleased with Heymans latest protege gettin in his bidness and lets them both know, on no uncertain terms that they can gargle a set of baws.

Next up Stephanie McMahon has something tae tell us. Turns out a bunch of guys are in this upcoming Money in The Bank ladder match, and they're aw quite decent. Namely Daniel Bryan and Punk, but that dick Sheamus, Randy Orton, Christian, Kane and fuckin ROB VAN DAM will also be involved. I put the RVD bit in bold for anyone skim reading this, it disnae reflect my excitement at his return or anything, cause I dont gie a fuck. I'm ladder match daft but, so the prospect of this match pleases me.

Next we had Ryback talking really fast. I'm no looking for amazing promos big yin, but try n say words like a normal human please. Jericho interrupted to say he should be in the MITB match, Vickie books a match between them at MITB. Brad Maddox wis in the background somewhere sweating profusely. Bleugh.

Mark Henry man. How did this happen? I have never been anything either side of indifferent to Mark Henry for 15 fuckin years, and now he's almost reached god like status in 2 weeks. Another sublime promo. This is is Daniel Bryans time for sure, but I'd actually really like to see Henry take the belt at MITB. He has earned the right to call himself the champion even for a short spell. Cause lets be honest, who really gives a fuck about this Cena reign? I dont parituclarly dislike Cena, but its a tired routine. The champ is here, rustle royalty, respect. Fuckin gie it a bye.

Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton (Street Fight)

Excellent match. Old school street fight, with proper chair shots and aw that kerry oan. A particularly harsh one from Orton to Bryan early on looked like it might get the job done, but Daniel Bryan is made of stronger stuff than that. Yer no beatin DBry wae a chairshot Randall, no in this lifetime anyway. Orton then propped a table up in the corner, seemingly looking to put Daniel Bryan beard first through it, but Daniel thwarted this by being an amazing wrestler, and wrestling his wee erse aff. With a table set up on the outside, Bryan and Orton were going at it on the apron, Orton looked to suplex Bryan through it, but Bryan countered and fired a few dropkicks Randys way to try and get him to fall through it. Orton clung on to the ropes for dear life, but Bryan wasnt to be denied that rare joy of hearing a table break in half as he slid to the outside and powerbombed Orton aff the apron through the table. A fuckin picturesque moment which would have been the perfect finish had it been a tables match, but it wisnae, so on we went. Bryan dragged Orton into the ring for the pin, but Orton kicked out at 2, so the natural reaction to that for Daniel Bryan was to kendo stick Orton in the heid until he was seeing stars.
Orton rallied and managed to (almost) put Bryan through that table he propped up on the corner earlier. A spirited exchange between the two followed, culminating in Orton catching Bryan in mid-air for another topper of a powerbomb. Bryan of course kicked out at 2 but, cause ye ken by now, ye ken fine well he went over and ye ken how glorious it was.
He locked Orton in the yes lock, but Orton broke free after he got a grip of that Kendo Stick and went to town on Bryans jaw. Orton looked like he was ready to seal the win with the RKO, but Danny was having none of that patter, and instead got the yes lock locked in again. Orton once again reached for the Kendo Stick to try and break free, but instead Bryan used it his advantage, and Yes Lock (ach its the crippler crossface, but dont tell anyone) plus Kendo Stick = Randy Orton tapping the fuck out. Daniel Bryan wins. Nice wee handshake between at the end tae, this Orton heel turn might not be necessary after all as long as he uses the momentum from this wee feud properly.

Overall a decent Raw. Theres enough here tae keep ye well fed, but a lack of Shield and Cesaro drags it down. The promo about WWE 2k14 drags it even further, so I gie it a 6.5 outta 10. Good enough tae recommend tae a friend.

Remember, whether its at home or up that toon wae yer pals. Stay safe. Dont try this.

Raw Preview - 24/06/2013

After last weeks rollercoaster ride of a Raw, this weeks might be a fucker of a comedown. I wisnae daft on the first hour of it, but I was in a mood and nitpicking a bit, having watched it again, aside from the Jericho vs 3MB filler, and all the pish involving the Mcmahons, it was a belter of a show.

Whoever had the idea for the Mark Henry fake retirement angle needs a fuckin knighthood in all honesty. I've seen the promo 4 or 5 times now, and its just as mesmerizing with each viewing. I was in an unwavering state of indifference towards Henry for a long time before that tae. Sure, I respected his work, but he wis never the type to evoke such a strong reaction, nor was he ever the type that you'd consider particularly gifted as an actor, but he fair blew those misconceptions out the water with one earth shattering Worlds Strongest Slam.  A beautiful moment. Whilst I dont see him taking the belt from Cena, he certainly deserves to main event MITB for that promo alone. He'll likely be booked in a squash match this week, so I'm looking forward to him breaking someone in 2. Ideally The Miz, but I'd settle for R-Truth, or even the scarcely seen Ted DiBiase Jr.

For The Shield, its time to move on to bigger and better things. Last weeks Smackdown seems to indicate that they'll be involved in an angle with Christian, which will be a huge boost for him, as he looks to re-establish himself after injury. A feud with him and Ambrose would help elevate the US Title, so gies that please. As for Rollins and Reigns, I really dont know. I'd love to see The Usos given a chance to work with them, but they'll likely keep going against hastily thrown together teams of singles wrestlers. Mibbe Yoshi Tatsu and Santino Marella, with Santino re-packaged as the patron saint of Italian Plumbing "Mario", cawin themselves "Mario and Yoshi...Nintendawgs 4lyf"

We'll probably see another installment of Sheamus vs Rhodes Scholars aswell. They really need tae wrap this aimless pish and do something productive with these guys. All three just seem to be floating aimlessly from feud to feud. Nae mare pre-show shite, give them something decent or let them go.

Ziggler dropping the belt is as hard as a storyline has hit me in at least 10 years. It was a scunnerer. A deflater. A sare yin. I'd be content with seeing him come out of nowhere every week to attack Del Rio, but with Jericho attacking Ziggler in the ring on Smackdown last week, I assume they'll have a short feud together, and that fair gies me a tingle in my nether regions, so heres hoping we see them in a match this week.

Curtis Axel is looking stronger by the week. That IC belt looks like it belongs around his waist, and I reckon he'll have a long run with it, maybe all the way to next years Mania. What he disnae need is to waste a month or so carrying the fuckin Miz, but that would appear tae be whats in store for the poor cunt. Dinnae worry Joe, better days are ahead for you bud.

I think we'll see one more match between Orton and Bryan, and if you seen the beezer they served up on Smackdown last week, you'll know its one to look forward to. It was nice tae watch Orton at work and not feel like he was phoning it in. If he wants to regain his spot as one of the company's top stars, he needs to look arsed every week, no just when he happens to be wrestling the best on the planet right now.

As for my man Cesaro, just you keep on keepin on.. This whole Jack Swagger parody thing wae Zeb, I love it mate. I dont think they'd be kind enough to spoil us with another masterclass between him and Regal, but they really should do. It wid be most good. Most good indeed.

I assume we'll have a Ryback sighting for our sins, but thats what Sudoku was invented for. Wire intae a puzzle while this cunt makes ye wish he had his jaw clamped by a muzzle.

Last but not least, I dunno what Brocks schedule is or whit, but the beast looked like he was actually fuckin ENJOYING his work last week when he confronted CM Punk. This angle between these two, with Heyman in the middle has the potential to be one of the best in years if executed correctly, but the only way it works to its full potential is with Lesnar appearing regularly on Raw. We'll see if that comes to fruition.

Oh and it shouldnae really need said, but please nae McMahon shite this week.  Unless its Vince legitimately firing the Miz or suhin, theres nae need for it.

Finally, please enjoy yer Monday night Raw responsibly. If you have to drive early the morra morning, please refrain from watching the show live, you have a duty of safety to you and other road users. x

Kelvin Brawl - Review

Picture the scene. 1,000+ bodies piling into what on first viewing looked like an abandoned gym hall; each one more wide eyed and eager than the last, as they filtered past the vendies and badminton playing posers to queue up for what was to come. What manner of event could attract so many to such a place? Well for a start, this was nae ordinary abandoned gym hall. This was the gym hall tae end all gym halls. When you looked beyond the aesthetics that hit ye upon entering it, you felt its history. You felt the roar when Jim Watt first raised that WBC Lightweight Title above his head in 1979. It felt like a place that could house a golden era, but all golden eras must come to an end and more than 1,000 folk were piled in to the old place for its last hurrah. It was upto professional wrestling to give it that send off it deserved.

The night began with a wee preview of things to come from its protagonists, as Greg Hemphill and Rab Florence were introduced to the crowd by the MC for the evening, Billy Kirkwood.. Hemphill first to deafening disapproval, as he cut a promo calling Scotland a shitehole, and its inhabitants a bunch of nae good, pish stained junkies, or words to that effect. The boy Florence wis huvin none ae it, and tapped his canadian jaw for his troubles. That was that, on to the wrestling eh!

Davey Blaze vs BT Gunn

Solid opener here. The physical tone was set early on, when these two rogues made their way to the outside, and BT propped Davie up on the ring post, only for Davie to duck out the way, leaving BT to deliver a haun breaker of a chop to the ring post. They would end up actually delivering a few chops to each other, as the match swayed back and forth . Davey thought he had the win in the bag with a beezer of a spinebuster, but BT wisnae for hearin it, as he rallied to take the win with the superkick, followed by a forearm smash to the back of the napper. BT Gunn wins. 

Scores on the doors - Team Hemphill 1 Team Florence 0

Wolfgang vs Liam Thomson

I was fair looking forward to this one, and it certainly didnt dissapoint. Firstly, the boy Wolfgang comes out on his fuckin Harley, narrowly overshadowing "Badboy" Liam Thomson entering hilariously to "Bad Boy For Life" by P.Diddy . Then the match itself kicked off, and it very much had a feel to it of two auld pals who have done this a million times before. Not a beat was missed in the ring, and outside it we had the all to rare treat of one wrestler trying to run his opponent over wae a Harley Davidson. Wolfy was not successful with his murder attempt, but he did have more success in simply pinning Thomson. It looked like he had the job done when he set Thomson up for the Swanton Bomb, but Thomson moved just in time, and took to the top rope himself to deliver a flying headbutt. Perhaps if he had gone for the pin there an then, he might have got the win, but the boay got greedy, and decided to rub salt into the wounds by delivering another flying headbutt with Wolfgangs helmet (calm doon ya middens, the helmet he uses to keep his heid safe on the bike) but on this occasion it was Wolfgang who got out the way just in time, and he picked up the win with that finisher he does that I still dont know the name of (basically a firemans carry into a gutbuster, but it must have its ain name)while Thomson still had the helmet on. Wolfgang takes the win and seemingly his opponent was his prize, as he popped Liam Thomson on the bike and rode off into the sunset. Setting the fire alarm off in the process.

Getting us back to level terms at - Team Florence 1  Team Hemphill 1

Nikki Storm vs Carmel

Ye know whit grinds my fuckin gears more than anything else in wrestling? The lack of respect afforded to the talented females we currently have giving their lives to it. For me its simple. gid wrestling is gid wrestling. Disnae matter if yer bits dangle or not, all that matters is that what you produce in the ring looks good and it makes sense. Judging it on any other merits its just plain sexism. As if a case has to be made, this match would go a long way to selling any skeptics on women's wrestling, as it was another stoater. It was of a slower pace than Nikki's encounter with Kaylee Ray at Oran War, but Carmel is a different type of opponent. More deliberate in her work, but perhaps with a bit more of an evil side. My view of the finish was rudely interrupted by the fanny sitting in front of me deciding to stand up, but I do know that Nikki Storm got the win.

Making it Team Florence 2 Team Hemphill 1

James Scott vs Jack Jester

I wasn't keen on this becoming a bumpfest, as I didnae see it as the best way to utilise these two, but I was happy to be proved wrong . It DID turn intae a bumpfest, but it was a damn good one at that. It all began in a civilised enough fashion, and fans of ICW would have been intrigued by the dynamic, with Team Florence's Scott as a face (and a fairly affable one at that) and Jester adopting the role of sour faced heel. It eventually made its way to the outside, and up to the seating section (unfortunately no the one we were in) where Jester was thrown from the balcony down to the floor (I assume there was padding there, because I would have noticed if he was deid im sure, he didnae die eh?) Seemingly gripped with a thirst for violence, James Scott wasnt finished, and he launched himself from that same balcony on to Jester. Somehow the two warriors emerged fae that ill advised base jumping sesh, and got themselves back ringside. With Scott in command, he introduced a table into the proceedings, launching it behind his head to catch Jester square in the jaw with it. He then used it as a landing strip for the double stomp off the top rope, as he had it propped on Jesters heid, but that couldnt get the job done. Running out of ideas, he set up a steel chair in the corner, surely intending to launch the Jester towards it, but that wily bastard reversed it and sent Scott mohawk first into the chair instead. Soon after he sealed the point for Team Hemphill with the Tombstone on the table. A valliant effort from James Scott in a match which surely suited the more hardcore inclined Jester from the start, but it wasnt enough. Jester wins.

Scorecards all square at Team Florence 2 Team Hemphill 2

Battle of Britain

Kid Fite vs Johnny Moss

Now for the first surprise of the evening, and that was the appearance of Gavin Mitchell (aka Boaby the barman) as special guest ring announcer. He emerged to a very decent pop actually, and proceeded to cement his "face" status by distancing himself from his pal Gregs conduct in the build up, and stressing that Gregs views were not that of the cast of Still Game (dunno how he found oot right enough, do they still have cast meetings to discuss their auld boss is uptae on twitter?) As Mossy entered, Auld Boaby was told on no uncertain terms that if he valued his teeth, he should remove himself from Mossys strikezone, and he duly obliged, leaving Mossy to cut a promo nae cunt really heard (the sound at times was a bit sketchy) but essentially the tone of it was that Scotland is shite, dont go there or children will stab ye. The match itself had a bit of a sluggish start, more concerned with bringing the crowd into it as much as possible, but when it hit its stride, it was braw. Make no mistake, Johnny Moss is a fuckin beast of a man. Think Batista, but twice the wrestler, and 10x scarier. The way he strings those German suplexes together, and makes each feel like it had more torque than the last, is something else. I also vaguely recall of a fucking topper of a superplex, somewhere in the middle, and as Kid Fite was seemingly closing in on the win, Boaby the barman rose to the apron, shaking the earth to its core in the process as he distracted the ref long enough for Greg Hemphill to rush to ringside and deliver a chairshot to Fito's dome. Mossy takes the win for England, and Boaby the Barmans heel turn was complete. Theres a sentence I never envisaged writing.

That made it Team Florence 2 Team Florence 3

The Kelvin Brawl Trophy
Noam Dar vs Lionheart

Tell ye what I'd love to do..I'd love to get aw the Wrestling naysayers together. I'd like to get them all in a big room together, perhaps in one of the Conference Halls at The Glesga Hilton, or Wembley or suhin. Just a room big enough for aw the skeptics that cry wrestling "fake" or "that thing for the weans" because I defy anyone who really sits and absorbs this match with an open mind, to tell me that professional wrestling is not one of the most captivating things you can spend your time watching. When it's executed with such unerring perfection, there just isnae anything better, and the fact that the two responsible for this spectacle are local to US. Me n you. We get to see this first hand because we just happen to live in close enough proximity to such talents that it allows matches like that to be nothing more than a bus journey away. Fuckin mental that eh? Its blessings like this, that make me wonder what folk really have to complain about in life. Theres always some poor cunt worse off eh, its no aw so bad, so lighten up, get some pep in yer step, an get yersell along tae that wrestlin'!
I cant really provide the words to do this justice, but I will say I genuinely hope its out there on video for all to see soon enough. Simply a masterclass between two guys who have unbelievable wrestling chemistry together. Some of my personal highlights included the kickout at 1 and middle finger after Hearto hit the Rock Bottom, that powerbomb type thing on the apron, the Oran War esque series of high impact moves and near falls, and finally the finish. As Lionheart gained redemption for his Oran War defeat with what felt like a 15th frog splash. Out came the bold Jim Watt to one last round of applause in the place that he helped make famous, as he was set to award the trophy to Lionheart, but of course there's nae chance that couldnt go off without some kind of interference. The source of that interference was Johnny Moss, who again cut a promo I couldnae hear properly, but which ended with him squaring up to Jim Watt, urging the champ to give him his best shot, and Jim duly obliged, delivering a couple of thunderous jabs to the belly, before landing one square on Mossys chin, giving him perhaps his most popular KO at the Kelvin Hall on its grand finale.

I was genuinely a wee bit taken aback by that outcome, but in a good way as it indicates that maybe the Lionheart isnt quite done yet. I certainly reckon they will go for it a third time whenever the next event in this series takes place, but I could see Lionheart coming out of retirement for good soon enough. He is just far too talented not too. He was one half of perhaps the best match I've seen all year after 7 months on the shelf, and that says to me that he still has plenty to offer.

What can you say about Dar? a fuckin superstar at this game. Pure talent. I hope his efforts to make it beyond this vibrant local scene dont bear fruits for another few years, but thats from a purely selfish standpoint. Surely its only a matter of time until his talents are seen by a wider audience, and see if that wider audience don't appreciate him like we dae? it'll no be a Drew Mcintyre type situation where we watch his demise from afar and get sad about it, we're taking the boy back!
Away wae the fairies there eh, but is quarter past 4 in the AM, and I may or may not have a wee buzz on the go. That wee glimmer of kindness in yer eyes says tae me that ye forgive my lack of professionalism, and I can get on wae describing the Main Event to ye, so I'll fire in n dae that shall I?

Grado and Rab Florence(with Adam Shame) vs Red Lightning and Greg Hemphill(with C.P.T)

I enjoyed this 10x more than I ever thought tbh. The finish aside, it was a fucking riot from start to finish, and was worked to perfection. Before the match began, we ironed out this business with the score being uneven, with Florence challenging Hemphill to make the main event "winner takes all" with the condition that the match could only end if one of the team Captains earned the decision. Hemphill agreed for eh...some reason, no entirely sure tbh, but it worked out no bad for him in the end ;) The early part of the match correctly focused on the two wrestlers involved in the contest, and was the usual engaging affair between these two. Lightning looked like he was in his best shape in months, and cut a great heel promo, promising to flee to Canada with Hemphill once they had taken care of business.

We got the usual pre match taste of Grado flair, as he emerged team handed wae a troupe of dancers to Like a Prayer. The pop was unreal. So loud, that even the select few in that hall who might not know who that fine figure of a man standing before them was, couldnt help getting caught up. The exchange between Red and Grado was brought to a close when Red tagged Hemphill in, and what followed was classic auld pro (Grado) noising up the rookie. A wee bite on the arse here, a wee footstomp there, wound the big Canadian puddin right up, until him and his Team were ready to bolt. Red took to the outside to stir up some heat, stating that his team wouldn't be continuing if the match wasnt taken more seriously, only to legitimately take a beer to the face from some fanny. The fanny bit off more than he could chew however, as Reds fist made a beeline for his jaw, and all of a sudden he didnae seem so brave. The match rolled on, with Florence yet to make an appearence, but that was soon rectified as he finally squared off against Hemphill.What followed was a bit of a slappy type of affair, although Florence certainly looked the sharper of the two, and he got the upper hand after smacking Hemphills heid aff the top turnbuckle of each corner. He then delivered a decent looking elbow drop from the middle rope, but he must have lost his fuckin mind on the road doon, because he wanted to go up top next. During his struggle to reach the top rope, Hemphill had stirred and managed to tag Red back in, and Florence wisely got himself tae fuck, and got Grado back in. There was a roll n slice in there somewhere from Grado anaw and a picture perfect DDT, and the game looked up when Grado laid Hemphill spark out and tagged in Florence to get the pin, only for Team Hemphill enforcer C.P.T to stop the count. It was a classic case of taking one for the team, as that would be the last action C.P.T would see, before being hoisted to the back by The Shamer. In the middle of all this, Hemphill managed to lock in a belter of a sharpshooter, paying homage to his canadian brothers, and it looked like Florence would tap, but he managed to reach the ropes.

The match was nearing its close, and it looked like it would be another win for Team Florence, when Grado once again laid Hemphill out, this time with the wee boot, and tagged Florence in for the easy pin, but inexplicably the dafty decided to make good on his promise to deliver an in ring "selfie" for his twitter following. He just couldnae get the right angle for it though, try as he might, and red sneaked up behind him to deliver the Michinoku driver, and tag Hemphill in for the win. Making it a final score of Team Florence 2 Team Hemphill 4.

Red and Greg delivered their wee departure speech, promising that this is the last we'd see of them, before Red left Greg to bask in the glow of victory. Looked like the end of what had been the brawest of evenings, but we werent quite done yet.

Out came a squad of masked vigilantes, five of them in total. One could be easily identified as Joe Coffey, and I had a strong suspicion another was Chris Renfrew having seen cuttin about earlier in the night. Two of the others were revealed to be Damian O'Connor and Kaylee Ray, and their reason for being out there was pretty clear. All four had voiced grievances at not being involved in the card, and were out to deliver some toe to baw justice in the direction of Hemphill (having previously attacked Florence on their way to the ring I believe, although I didnae see that, so that might be shite) With the first four unmasked, the fifth finally revealed himself to be FRANKIE BOYLE, which perhaps got the biggest pop of the night. The pop eventually died down to murmurs of unrest though, as Frankie went away off on a ramble about independence, finally revealing that he was to be the head of a new team at and event at the Glasgow Hydro at some point in the not too distant future, as part of an independent Scotland he hoped. I wisnae really bothered about the independence patter, but It was a bit out of place. Imagine Sean Connery turning up at hauftime in the fitba to raucous applause, before delivering a 15 minute speech on how we all have to help save the whales. Yer raisin valid points tae me like, but I just want tae see if my number comes up in the hauf time draw mate. Get on wae it.

All in all a great showcase for Scottish Wrestling. Which amongst the excitement is really what it's all about. Giving these talented folk, an opportunity to show a wider audience what they can do. If anyone entered that venue a non-wrestling fan, and didnae leave converted, they obviously didnae pay attention.

Kelvin Brawl - Preview/Predictions

I'll get the negative bit oot the way first, I was a wee bit miffed by the omission of a few people when the card was announced. Namely Kaylee Ray and Joe Coffey. Kaylee a particularly strange omission, having been part of one of the best matches of the night at Oran War; but Joe is perhaps the most startling one, as he has solidified his status as one of the best in Scotland over the past year. His dark, brooding persona combined with his proficient in ring ability make him one of the top young wrestlers Scotland has ever produced, with a chance to go as far as he wants in the business. So why not have him on a show of this magnitude? A show designed to bring Scottish Wrestling to a new audience, it is the duty of the promoter to show them the best we have to offer, and if Joe Coffey isnae involved, you simply aren't doing that.

We have been promised surprises right enough, so heres hoping its been a ruse all along and both Joe and Kaylee are booked in some capacity, mibbe a wee surprise inter-gender match considering Coffey's penchant for delivering lariats to the fairer sex.

That's the negative bit out the road, on to what should be a braw night.

Davey Blaze vs BT Gunn

The reason I didnt mention Stevie Boy in the first part regarding folk who should be booked, is because I think this will be a tag match. Chris Renfrew was originally a part of Team Florence at Oran War before his heel turn, and Florence spoke of him being dropped due to a change in his attitude, so I reckon he'll interfere on behalf of his pal BT Gunn in this one, Stevie will rush out to help his fellow Bucky Boy, and it'll be made a tag match. That might just be a result of my over active imagination but, and if its a singles match I think it'll be decent. Will be good to see what Davey can do in a singles match against someone as good as BT, but I cant see past a BT Gunn win (or a BT Gunn and Renfrew win if my earlier prediction comes tae fruition)

Making it Team Hemphill 1 Team Florence 0

Nikki Storm vs Carmel

I had only seen Storm wrestle once before Oran War, so I was blown away by her performance that night against Kaylee Ray. For me it was the second best match of the night, so I reckoned they'd go again at Kelvin Brawl. This match should be good anaw right enough, Carmel is another very talented wrestler, but I cannae see a downside to booking Kaylee again. Even putting her with Carmel against Nikki and one of the plethora of other talented females we have (Bette Noir, Viper and aw that team) So aye, I reckon this will be good, but an opportunity missed to really showcase the depth of talented females we have. Nikki Storm for the win.

Team Hemphill 1 Team Florence 1

Jack Jester vs James Scott (No DQ Match)

Perhaps the most interesting match on the card. The No DQ stipulation is due to Scott attacking a "fan" at Oran War and being DQ'd but the percentage of the crowd that will remember that probably wont be high. Should be a good match, but I hope it disnae descend into a hardcore scrap because these two are more than capable of producing a great match without having to take daft bumps. I reckon James Scott will win, with some creative move involving that double stomp aff the top rope, and some kind of weapon on Jesters coupon.

Scores on the doors - Team Hemphill 1 Team Florence 2

Battle of Britain
Johnny Moss vs Kid Fite

Cannae go that "Battle of Britain" patter, even in fitba it grinds my gears, but I'll tell ye this for free, this match will probably be very good. Great. Superb. The battle of talented wrestlers I'm gonnae call it instead. Mossys match with Grado at Oran War was a great laugh, and showed another side to the usually very business like Mossy, but it'll be back to his usual mix of power moves and gie'in everyone in the room a large dose of the fear. Cannae see past a win for Johnny Moss.

Team Hemphill 2 Team Florence 2

Liam Thomson vs Wolfgang

Looking forward to this one. Two of the most consistently impressive performers in Scotland clashing in what could be a contender for Match of The Night. Noam Dar vs Lionheart will take some topping no doubt, but these two have the ability to give them a run for their money. I expect a belter of a match which swings back and forth, but ends with Wolfgang picking up the win. 

Making it Team Hemphill 2 Team Florence 3

With the scores uneven going in to the main event of the Team Hemphill vs Team Florence thing, it makes me think that there will be a surprise match in the mix somewhere. Might even mean one of the matches earlier ending in a no contest, but I hope its a surprise match. Theres too many talented wrestlers not on the card for me to believe that they simply haven't been booked. I want tae believe I'm being tricked. I want to believe that hard working talented wrestlers arent being overlooked because they urnae pals with the celebrity protagonists in this drama. We shall see if that proves to be the case eh, in the fantasy world I live in, I see The Coffeys (Not entirely sure if Mark Coffey is back from Japan yet) against Kaylee Ray and Mikey Whiplash. Giving us the perfect mix of gid wrestling, beards, and inter-gender beat downs. Perfect.

Kelvin Hall Memorial Match
Noam Dar vs Lionheart

The match between these two at Oran War was one of the best matches I've seen anywhere, so this match makes sense on so many levels. Separating it from the "Team Florence/Hemphill" thing was a great decision aswell, giving the Kelvin Hall a respectful send off by allowing two of the top wrestlers this country has ever produced to do their thing. Jim Watt will present a trophy to the winner tae, which is a nice touch considering how much of the Kelvin Brawl's storied history is down to him. Lionheart has been retired since December, but will no doubt have been training hard for this, so I doubt he'll have any ring rust. For me though, this match will mark the final passing of the torch from one generation of Scottish wrestling to the next and Noam Dar will prevail after a 20 minute wrestling masterclass.

Grado and Rab Florence vs Red Lightning and Greg Hemphill

I'll admit I was skeptical to Florence and Hemphills involvement in the ring, but the build up to this match has sold me on the idea. For a start it will bring people through the door that simply want to see two folk they know off the tele knock each other stupid, but also some of the promos in the build up have been excellent. Hemphills harassment of Florences frail wee mammy was spine chilling stuff, particularly when he "broke in" to her house while she was there and used her stairlift to get to Rabs old room for a wee snoop about (leaving the stairlift at the top of the stairs for good measure, the devious cunt)
They also rolled out the old routine at the contract signing, when Florence attacked Hemphill, and Greg returned the favour on their recent appearence on Scotland Tonight, throwing a glass of water in Rabs face when they were supposedly having a gentlemanly handshake. All good fun, and good for the promotion of the show but the real stars of the show are Grado and Red Lightning. Both shone in the wee video Scotland Tonight showed of the training regime Florence and Hemphill have gone through, and Grado in particular has released a hilarious video aimed at Hemphill.
Their true talent will shine through in the ring though, and in terms of an unpalatable heel vs widely loved face, there is no better dynamic in Scotland than Red Lightning vs Grado.
Red is the best on the mic in this country by a mile, and Grado's likeability factor is sky high, so I'm looking forward to seeing them do battle again. Another interesting dynamic is the one between the "enforcers" of the two teams, Rab opting for veteran wrestler Adam Shame, and Hemphill going for brains over brawn with C.P.T. It'll be interesting to see how their involvement plays out.

Genuinely have no idea with regards to the outcome of this one. If there is to be another Team Florence vs Team Hemphill night, it would make sense for Gregs team to win, and that event being the decider, but if not, I reckon Team Florence will win again. After all, with this being the Kelvin Brawls big send off, wouldn't it make sense for it to end wae a party? As much as I'd respect a Lightning and Hemphill victory, having them snarl at us and caw us dicks wouldn't be the best way to say farewell to the old place. So that's why I predict a win for Grado and Florence. Giving Team Florence the overall win.

So in conclusion, a smashin night filled with great wrestling and hopefully plenty of laughs. Whats not to love? if yer on the fence about getting yersell along, just dae it. Dont even think about it, just dae it. Lets share this night together. Me and you. Mon.