WWE RAW Review 06/01/2014

Mind how I've said a hunner times how the best way tae open a wrestling show is wae a wrestling match? I wis incorrect. Foolish infact. Stupid as fuck. A daft wee sillyface. The best way tae open a wrestling show in most cases is wae a wrestling match...unless Ric Flair's in the building, and he's steamin.

Then ye open yer wrestling show wae Ric Flair. Always Ric Flair.

The struttin, womanising, aw seeing, aw doing, aw dancing, figure-four leglockin steamin auld bastard that he is. Ric Flair is yer auld papa btw. Ric Flair is yer granda. Ric Flair sits at faimly perties chattin away tae everycunt, then all of a sudden he hits a certain level of steamin, and he goes deathly quiet fur a few minutes. Maybe as many as 10-15, then all of a sudden he hits that first note, n thats him. Beltin oot Sweet Caroline wae reckless abandon. He gies it some run of the mill Nature Boy patter before he's rudely interrupted by Randy Orton. Here's whit happened fae this point on. The significant parts (which disnae include any words Orton said) Flair refuses tae leave the ring on Ortons request, caws him a dirty big nae eyed prick, Orton takes offence and gestures like he's gonnae staun on Flairs fit, or make him watch a compilation of The Miz' attempts at daein the figure 4. Flairs aw "back up, I never trust a man withoot eyes, how dae ye even know I'm Ric Flair? I could be The Brooklyn Brawler talkin through a Ric Flair voicebox" Ortons like "nut, the Brooklyn Brawler smells like a rainbow...you smell like Scotch and hookers" Then Cena comes oot, tells "Randall" if he's feelin froggy, he better go ahead n leap, n Orton runs for the fuckin hills. Cena joins Flair in a wee bit of struttin, then they baith went backstage and necked aw the Single Malt they could lay their hauns oan. Overall, for the braw Cena words, and Ric Flair being hilariously "auld guy at a perty" steamin, I enjoyed the segment, but my tolerance for Randy Orton, and him clingin on tae they belts like they're his bairns is at an all time low. The fact that he's probably gonnae be the champ at WM30 fuckin turns my stomach man.

JBL and Cole introduce a wee VT about Daniel Bryans alliance wae The Wyatts which took place last week. Nae Lawler due tae a baw infection. so the commentary wid be a lot less unbearable, and JBLs suit wis sharper than Shane Magowans wan remaining tooth. 

The Usos and Rey Mysterio vs Harper, Rowan and Daniel Bryan

I wis really fuckin intae this for the most part. Seeing DBry come out wae the rest of the boayzies, and watching his whole demeanour transform wis fuckin wonderful. The wee exchange wae him and Rey early in the match anaw, with Rey seemingly telling him he didnae need tae dae this, but DBry stayed stony faced, and tore intae wee Rey with a flurry of forearms n knees tae the gut. We huv us some flyin Usos on the app, and theres nuhin I hate merr than being shown gid shit that happened when I wis lookin at a Halfords ad fur a gid deal oan windshield wiper fluid, see if it happened on the App? keep it there, or stop putting gid shit on during fuckin adbreks ya team ah pricks. Rey looked braw for his wee spell wae Rowan, and DBrys work has a certain viciousness tae it, but it aw goes wrang when Harper tags himself in and gets pinned by a botched rollup fae Jimmy and/or Jey Uso. I didnae really understand the finish, but there ye go. A lot of this DBry/Wyatts angle is unexplained, and a lot of it kinda looks like it might be a ruse on DBrys part. Infiltrate the boayz, and bring them doon fae within. We'll see but eh?

Big E gaun through a corridor of legends. The bold I.R.S is there, along wae Ted DiBiase, Nikolai Volkoff and some other cunts. I'm reminded of patter I spat oot about I.R.S havin one good baw (producing Bray Wyatt) and one bad baw (producing Bo Dallas) but here's the hing. As much as I widnae call mysell a fan of Dallas, and his in ring work still comes off at as boring and at times sloppy, but see as a heel? whit he's doing is working. He makes me want tae scud his jaw, and thats whit a true heel is supposed tae dae, so I'll gie him his due. There's improvement there. Still hate him wae every fibre of my being, but the cunts gettin better at his job, thats aw ye can really ask fur sometimes. 

Big E Langston vs Curtis Axel

Wish I cared more aboot this man, Axel can work and Big E is my shapely diddied warrior prince, but fuck me, I cannae be bothered wae this noise anymerr ataw. Wee snapmare and a neckbreaker fae Axel, no bad gear. Rywank is on commentary n Cole asks him whit led tae him and Axel callin thersells "Rybaxel" n Ryback quite eloquently explained how it wis "jist oor two names combined ya fuckin diddy ride"
Big E gets tae work on Axels belly wae some hard shooders in the corner, but Axel responds wae a lovely dropkick. They go tae the outside, where Big shiny chebs fires Axels skull aff the announce table, afore the Ryba half of Rybaxel starts gien him aggro, and Axel rolls the big barra up for a 2 count. 2 aint enough man, ye need 3, and thats exactly what Big E got efter smashin Axel wae a huge clothesline, and hitting the Big Ending for the win. Done and dusted. I assume fae aw his stupid shite patter than Ryback is gonnae be working wae Big E soon and that fills me wae dread, cause one of them is really powerful, n worthy of a push tae main event status, and the other wan is fuckin Ryback.

Pipers Pit with The Shield

Absolutely fuckin majestic. I'm right tired, so I cannae gie ye the incoherent ramble about the exchange between Ambrose and Piper that might heart desires, but let me tell ye, this shit wis fuckin bananas. Dean Ambrose for me has all the tools tae be a true wrestling icon if they give him the chance, and thats all because its written in is DNA. This is whit he was born for. Cutting beautiful eerie promos, and telling stories in the ring. Thats whit he's about. Piper wis cut fae the same cloth, so naturally these cunts bounce aff each other like the Laurel n Hardy of scary as fuck promos. Roddy gies us patter about bein Old School before it wis cool, then....Shield.
Ambrose is always in character man. I imagine he goes tae the shop for milk in aw The Shield gear, and before he goes fur a shite, he has tae climb doon aw the stairs in his house and jump over the baby gate at the bottom cause he eats, sleep n shites Shield. He asks who gied this auld man a live mic, and remarks how Piper wid probably have been battered stupit aff The Shield if they were around in his era, and Piper hits back with some patter about how he took the mic, and that this is Pipers fuckin Pit, no Ambrose Alley. I really hope that line wis off the cuff man, cause if it wis, its classic Piper. This wis jist so braw, yer praying Rollins and Reigns have thersells a coke, n a smile, n shut the fuck up. 
Piper tells him the only person that can match him on the mic is yer man CM Punk. Deano disnae take this news very well, before inexplicably being interrupted mid rant by Seth Rollins. I love Seth Rollins as much as the next cunt, but in the name ah fuckin christ man, do not butt in when theres perfection unfolding in front ae yer eyes. He babbles some pish aboot Piper being jealous of how good a US Champ Ambrose is (aye he's fuckin brilliant considering he's no defended it since March 2004) before Piper thankfully takes over once more and gies it aw sorts ah chatter about how Rollins couldnae beat Punk. Ambrose couldnae either. So if big Roman Reigns could get the joab done in the nights main event, wid that make him better than them? and if so, is that a crack in the shield? Piper touches Reignsys coupon when he speaks tae him anaw, and that leads tae Reigns warning him tae never touch him again, afore the boayz tease a wee bitta triple powerbomb action only for them tae be rudely interrupted by.........LOOK IN MA EYEEEEEZ, WHAT DO YA SEEEEE!

Punk and Outlaws oan TeeeVeeeeeee.

Punk comes rushin out tae save the day, for some reason wae the Outlaws in tow, and they rattle The Shields jaws for the, afore the boayzies flee. I dunno why Punk was wae The Outlaws. Made nae sense whatsoever, but I will tell ye that they're 3 of my favourite cunts of aw times, so I wis more than ok wae it. Whit a beautiful wee segment, mind how I said I wis too tired tae ramble aboot it? Well that wis incorrect. The incorrectest hing i've ever written.

Berty Naebelts vs Sin HuniCara

I dunno whit it is about this wee rivalry, but wrasslin wise I'm really fuckin intae it. They work together a lot better than Del Rio and the original Sin Cara, but part of that might be cause they two cunts legit fuckin despised each other. Del Rio used tae send Sin Cara Christmas cards that were made enitrely of fag douts and dried sheeps blood, n Sin Cara once stuck his pinky finger up Del Rios wee bum n made uhm smell it. I dunno whit im even on aboot here, but this wis gid, and Beltless Bert emerged from a wee spell on the sidelines tae dodge the swanton, hit a wee sperkick and pin Sin Hunicara furra wee three count.

Then he got on the mic. Announcing himself as a candidate tae win the Royal Rumble match. Yer no runnin fur yer local councils seat in Parliament mate, sit fuckin doon. Love Berty in the ring, but fuck me, his mic work makes me mildly ill.

The Rhodezies vs The Real Americans

Brawer than a braw hing. Always is when these 4 collide. Goldy kicks hings aff wae some atomic droppin for both Real Americans. Zeb Colter has a sign that says "The best defence is a fence" which is fuckin genius, and then aye. Wrasslin. Double front suplex(I dunno whit ye caw it tbh, its a suplex, but they pap the recipient on his front insteada his back) fae the boayz. The match rolled on in typically braw fashion, then Goldy done that Hurricanrana which never ceases tae amaze me. 44 years of age ffs. Its like the cunt's aging backwards. Cody gets in and hits yon sunset flip in the corner, efter scuddin Cesaros jaw with a springboard missile dropkick, before he catches Swagger gettin cheeky on the apron and disaster kicks him square in the melt. Turns roon n gets leathered in the chops by a braw uppercut. Swagger bomb followed by yon double team move where Tony launches himself aff Swaggers shoulders n hits a double foot stomp, and all of a sudden yer Real Americans look set for another non-title win over The Brothers of Rhodes. Cody somehow sends baith Real Americans oot the ring, and crawls towards Goldy fur the tag, but big Tony flees back intae the ring oota naeplace and sends Goldy aff the apron wae a big boot tae the chops. Turns roon n gets back dropped tae fuck aff Cody, but Cody still has nae cunt tae tag so Cesaro gets up and knocks some braincells loose wae a big uppercut the the back of the heid. Swagger gets in and gets the Codester in an Anklelock fur aboot an hour, tae Gody intervenes, and after a brief stramash between aw the troops, Goldys hits the final cut oan Swagger for the win. 
Whit a braw wee tag match, this is why I cannae fathom cunts who piss n moan about WWE aw the fuckin time these days, the wrestling product is consistently very good and the tag division has mibbe never been this strong. Certainly no fur a number of years so SHUT THE FUCK UP N ENJOY IT EH. Cheers.

DDP and Booker T back stage. I wanted some proper patter, or a spinaroonie, or mibbe even a self high five, but aw we really got wis patter pluggin DDP Yoga. Then Ron Simmons appears n does the "damn" thing. I'm aw for shoehorning legends intae Old School Raw, but no when the only real purpose of it is tae plug yer shit. Nut. 

Damien Sandow vs Khali 

Mad Ranjin Singh wis oot wae Khali, and it wis guest reffed by Sgt Slaughter (who fuckin somehow got more votes than Bob Bakclund on the app, whits the matter wae yees?) n it wis fuckin utter shite. Shite match, shite finish (Sandows fit wis on the ropes n Slaughter counted tae 3 anyway) and a fuckin pile of shite ending when Sandow correctly pulls Sgt Shiter up for his error, n gets cobra clutched anyway. Does a wee dance wae Khali efter it. Bleugh. I love a bitta Khalis theme, but no like this. Never like this.

Here's a segment that makes sense. Depending on how ye define Old School, cause they feuded in 2003-2004, but this wis yer Brock Lesnar oot for the second RAW in a row (I dunno if this means he's went full time or no, must be time served) n Heyman gies it some fairly amusing speil about how he and Brock define the term Old School, they define it as the company having one main man, and everycunt wantin a piece of that main cunt. Hogan, Austin, and aw they cunts. Lesnar wants tae be that man soon. Lesnars untouchable meht. Lesnars gonnae waste every single daft bastard that dare steps in front of him, and Mark Henrys had enough, so oot he comes again for another doing I suspect. He does indeed get a doing, and wee broken airm for his troubles. Fuckin shame man, I love Mark Henry mare than I love the majority of my ain cousins n that, so i shed a wee tear, until the thing that I wis gonnae talk aboot at the start of this paragraph before I wis rudely interrupted by my ain babble, yon 2003 feud, began again in earnest. Oot comes Big Show, who probably had his strongest main event run when he wis workin wae Brock aw those years ago, and considering this man wis in a nappy 2 weeks ago, he has a right good go at flingin big Brock aboot lit wet washin. Brock takes his flingin and leaves wae his knickers wringin. Aye no bad ataw. Brock Lesnar on RAW every week tryin tae fling, and sometimes gettin flung by big cunts is whits best for business. 

The Smellas vs Alicia Foxx n Aksana

I'm no watchin this again troops, but I dae remember Aksana gettin the pin, and Brie Bella tryin tae whoop up the crowd n actually gettin a fuckin response. So fuck this crowd fuck the Smellas, and well done tae ma braw Aksana fur gettin another pin. I'm fairly certain she pinned somecunt else recently anaw. Well played hen. You keep oan wae the tight catsuits, and the pinnin folk, and I'll keep writin aboot how ye wore a tight catsuit, n pinned folk.

AHHHHHHHHH TOO COOL I CANNAE BELIEVE TOO COOL ARE ON RAW AW MAN (oh and they hud a match against 3MB)

Fuckin Too Cool. See when I wis wee, these were my mainest boayz. Even Brian Cristopher wis awrite, but big Rikishi n Scotty Too Hotty were the main men. The match is whit ye'd expect really, aw the daftness, and a wee blast of the worm fae ma man Scotty, before Rikishi gets in for the finish. Wee superkick type hing on Jinder gets a 2 count, before Grandmaster Sexay hits the hip hop drop oan somecunt, before Rikishi sits oan Jinders chest and gets the win fur the troops (thats no a typo btw, I did mean 'sits'...PG era n that)
It wisnae really about the match but wis it? it wis about the dance. The dance that me and two pals copied in Primary 6, and despite my fatness, the two lads didnae make me go Rikishi. Rare ye see such sensitivty in such young folk, but I went Rikishi anyway, cause it jist made sense, n when it comes tae professional wrestling, I prefer it if things make sense. If they dont make sense, they huv tae be really fuckin funny. This dance is baith. Good tae see yees guys, feel free tae come back every single week tae the end of time.

Aw the legends that have appeared on the show so far get reeled oot, and announced, like its a Hall of Fame induction or suhin. I hadnae the faintest clue whit was going on, and why it was going on ataw, until yer man Bad News Barrett emerged fae the floor n called for decorum. I fuckin love Bad Bews Barrett man. I'm no even entirely sure why, but I dae. His Bad News this week is that the legends were washed up, n naecunt would remember who they were after the show ends. Perhaps he'd have had a point if one of the most recognisable faces in wrestling history wisnae up there, and I'm no talkin aboot my man The Godfather, I mean the steaminest player in the game, Ric Flair. Ric tries tae take in wid Barret's sayin, but yer man has clearly sank another hauf bottle since his earlier appearance n looks ready fur his kip. God bless yer cotton socks. 

Mean Gene comes oot the introduce The Outlaws, cause apparently they're gonnae be Punks hauners just incase any of the other Shield troops try n interfere wae Punks match against Reigns. Whilst Mean Gene does a decent job of lettin us know it is indeed yer Outlaws that are comin oot, the boays tend tae take care of introducin thersells perfectly well on their ain, so they thank Gene fur his efforts and get intae the usual routine, and if you're no down wae the usual routine, I've got two words fur the whole fuckin lot of ye. SOOK IT.

Road Dogg then sets aboot introducing CM Punk, and naecunt does it like the boldest Jessiest of aw the Jamesies. He says Punk will make yer straight hairs curly, n yer pubes straight, or words tae that effect, and its time fur that main event we've aw been gantin fur....

CM Punk vs Roman Reigns

Fuckin braw this wis. I dunno if there's ever been a more startling improvement in a wrestler than yer man Roman Reigns over the past year. Ambrose was the troubled genius, Rollins wis the ridiculously talented high flyer, and Reigns was the muscle. That wis it really. The largely silent muscle. He has since become one of the more versatile big cunts in the company, actually comes across well on the mic maist of the time (better than Rollins anyway, nae offence Seth meht, but I'm no feelin yer promo work ataw) and yer man is packin the greatest spear in aw of wrasslin. He starts this yin aff by flingin Punk aboot, leatherin his chest wae big forearms, burstin aw sortsa ribs. Punk takes a big elbow tae the solar plexus, before hitting back wae a Crossbody aff the middle rope. Braw storytelling here so it wis, Punk selling the sare ribs tae fuck, and Reigns leathering them with brutality at every turn. Punk tries tae rally but gets drapped like a sack ah spuds again wae the Samoan Drop. The big yin sets himself up in the corner, wae Punk down in the opposite yin, n winds up that big arm, for the Flying Forearm, but Punk isnae ready tae die yet. Ducks oot the road and connects wae a big kick to the back of the dome. Punk gets tae kickin, and axe handlin, and swingin neckbreakerin, and all of a sudden he's the cunt that looks maist likely tae pick up the win. Storytelling aw the way. This wisnae anything close tae the technical spectacle that Rollins and Punk produced the week before (although Punk thought it wis shite, I didnae) or it wisnae anything like the cerebral war that Punk had wae Ambrose previously, but it wis two talented wrestlers, committed tae tellin ye a wee story. Thats aw Punk needs for a great match, no a big square diddied haddy thats only interested n gettin aw his stupid widden moves in, a big cunt that wants tae put on a show.
Punk goes up top, but it takes him ages, cause as I mentioned earlier, he took a sare dunt in the ribs so he did. Still feelin it. Reigns catches him up top, and they exchange jabs, leading tae Punk nutting the big cunt n sendin him fleein. Punk sees his chance for some flyin elba action, and away he goes, dancing through the air like a floating ballerina, or fuckin suhin, I dunno, I can barely keep ma lids open at this point and probably wont remember any of whit I've wrote here, but thats life innit. We suffer for our art. The Outlaws suffered for their dedication tae hauners tae, as they sense Ambrose n Rollins getttin fresh on the outside and decide tae confront them, only tae get flung aboot n leathered aff ringposts.
Punk spots the ruckus and decides its suicide dive time, landing it plum on Rollins chin.
Punk dives back intae the ring, and looks for a crossbody aff the top rope, but Reigns catches him wae a fuckin screamer of a Superman Punch and thats surely it...lights fuckin oot. NUT! Punk manages tae haul a shoulder aff the matt at 2. Punk fails wae a cheeky rollup right efter that, then a big kick to the back of the dome also gies a near fall. Fuckin stoatin this wis. A belter of a match. Punk goes for the Bulldog, but Reigns blocks it and sends him flying intae Ambrose on the apron, and when Punk turned roon SPEAR! AW THE FUCKIN SPEARS. BAH GAWD KING! HE'S BROKEN IN HALF! ROMAN REIGNS HAS JUST BROKEN PUNK IN HALF! Reigns of course gets the pin, cause naecunt wae human parts is ever kicking out of that spear. I love Cena, but if he even tries it one day, i'll fuckin chin the cunt. Not allowed.

Then it happened. I'm no entirely sure why, but it just did. Dont question it too much, just let it seep intae yer fuckin pores eh. That music hit, and that man emerged. That man who most of us assumed deid in a ditch somewhere after he fell aff the map completely. A drug addled, washed up, troubled auld genius. Cause thats whit Jake wis in his heyday. A genius. Ahead of his time on the mic, and a storyteller in the ring. The fact that the DDT has become a run of the mill move over the years fuckin saddens me, cause it wis such a revolutionary move when he first started using it. Anyway, Jake The Snake is living proof that yer never finished. Even if yer at the stage where ye threatened promoters tae no show their indie show if ye dont have crack waitin for yer arrival, even if yer at the stage where DDP is chasin ye roon an airport n ye've nae shoes oan, even if it gets so bad that ye can barely lift yer airms above yer heid yer body is so ruined by drink n drugs, its never over. Jake The Snake fought back, and overcame his demons wae DDPs help, and he fought back tae the point where he got tae fuckin close Monday Night Raw. In 2014. Wonderful.

He's oot as a menacing decoy, wae the bold Damien in a bag slung err his shooder, he attracts the eyes of The Shield long enough tae distract them for The Outlaws and Punk to attack from behind, and after slingin Rollins n Reigns tae fuck oot, Punk hits Ambrose wae the GTS. 
From then on it wis simple mathematics really. Widdye get when ye add a stricken professional wrestler (Dean Ambrose in this case) a wrestling legend (Jakey Shnakey) and a bag filled wae a snake? Ye get the single greatest markout moment in RAW history thats whit, and I'm no talkin about the fans aw round the world marking out (although by the sound of it there wisnae many in the actual arena marking out fur it, shite fuckin crowd) I'm talkin aboot Dean Ambrose himself marking out as the miast joyful wee smirk ye'll ever see comes over his face as Jake places Damien oan tap of him. A beautiful moment. Know whit it is anaw? even if he never appears in a WWE ring again, its closure for Jake, after aw the strife he's been through (mostly self inflicted) his last memories of wrestling widnae have been good ones, so this replaces aw that. Even if he disnae get his wish of getting a sneaky wee spot in the Rumble, that moment will live wae him forever. Thats how I wis gantin for Scott Hall tae return as Razor anaw, cause I think he needs that moment anaw. It might yet come for Scott Hall, but for now we'll make do with Jake. No a bad life when yer making do wae that is it?

Old School RAW wis the fuckin tits meht. I mean obviously we'd have aw loved tae see yer Austins, Foleys n Rocks, but for what it gave us, it ticked aw the boxes if ye ask me. Beautifully timed returns galore (Too Cool, Jake and The Outlaws ffs, I know the Outlaws were back for a bit last year, but they're still the fuckin Outlaws, and it wis still braw) The only legend I wisnae intae returning wis Slaughter, but that wis more down tae the angle he wis involved in I hink. If he wis tae get the auld Iranian flag oot n huv a flag war wae Zeb Colter or suhin, I'd have been intae that. 

Overall it gets 8 DDTs oota 10. Gid wrasslin throughout, and some smashin moments, and for me Ambroses palpable excitement when he got his moment wae Piper n Jake The Snake just cofirmed what I've always felt about him. If given the chance, he could become a proper icon. Divas tag, and Sandow gettin pumped were the only low points if ye ask me. Oh yer no askin me? well fuck ye then, here's Jake The Snake. 

   

Daniel Bryan

I've been thinking a wee bit lately about why Daniel Bryan is so over with the fans. While he is a likeable, and often very funny character, his promo work can be slightly hit or miss. Really just depends if the storyline captures his imagination or no, but sometimes it can miss the mark. In the ring for me theres naecunt better. His work in WWE has been so consistently brilliant for so long, than folk tend to forget they're only really allowing him to use about 70% of his moveset. He's capable of so many other braw hings. Punk is the opposite that way, very rarely misses the mark with any promo no matter how much he buys intae the storyline, but sometimes, whilst its usually superb, his wrasslin can get a bit sloppy. Spots missed, general disinterest when working wae certain folk (Ryback mainly) n a flying elbow which has always been a wee bit aff. I spose the reason he's so over is kinda the same as the reason DBry is, but no entirely.

I reckon Daniel Bryan is so over wae the fans cause of one simple reason. He's one of us. He didnae get intae professional wrestling cause his da/granda/great-granda/cousin/aunty/pet guniea pig were in it awready n it wis the easiest hing. He didnae get intae it cause his home life wis shite n wrestling wis his escape. He didnae get intae it cause he fucked his leg up n couldnae be a basketball player. He didnae get intae it cause he wis shite at powerlifting. He didnae get intae it cause Hulk Hogan persuaded him on the set of some shite film. He didnae get intae it cause his da tortured him in a dungeon. He didnae get intae it cause DDP met him in a bar n thought "here that cunts a tank btw!"..

Naw, he got intae wrestling because he fuckin loved it, and he wanted tae be involved it in some capacity no matter whit. Even if he wis tae be the cunt that washed the wrasslers reekin gear efter a long tour or suhin. He wanted tae be involved. So he gied it a fuckin shot. He decided tae train n see where it took him. Exact same dream each and every one of us has harboured at some time, n even a few huv actually gied it a go. Thats why he's such a company man I suppose, cause its aw a blessing tae him. Every time they chant his name, every time they chant YES, everytime they go daft when he wins, and flood the internet wae complaints when he disnae. He loves it aw. Its that love that allowed him tae take things like losing his WH Title at WM in 10 seconds, and being involved in a storyline that turned him intae the guy that hugged Kane a lot, and made them fuckin WORK. He took those attempts tae bury him, and made them the hottest hings in the company. Cunts remain outraged tae this day at the way his title reign wis ended, and theres still folk that wantae batter HBK after he betrayed him earlier this year.

Despite the apparent reluctance fae the Mcmahons and Triple H tae let him huv that spot at the top of the ladder, and his current affiliation wae the Wyatts, I'm still convinced our boays gonnae make it tae the mountain top once again, and this time fur keeps. Cause ye cannae stop progress. Simple as that. Ye cannae stop this unwavering belief that 90% of yer fanbase seem tae huv that he's the guy tae lead ye intae the next signficant era in WWE history. He's the guy tae lead us in tae the era of beautiful wrasslin galore, truly sinister and brilliant promo work at the hands of Bray Wyatt and Dean Ambrose in particular, and most importantly, he's the man tae lead us intae the era of positivity. The era of no longer looking at wrestling in a sceptical way, and longing for eras of the past. He's the man tae lead us intae the era of YES! YES! YES!

ICW Awards Review 2013

A quick disclaimer before we get started here. I don't have the fainest idea how tae review an awards show. I don't even know if its a thing. Suppose ye can review anything ye want really. I just had some chicken there, and my review of that is that whilst it was rerr and moist, it undoubtedly needed more seasoning. Perhaps some Smoked Paprika, or a wee BBQ glaze. Suhin tae give it a wee kick know?


So aye...awards show. I took nae notes and wound up wae a decent drink in me, so if I get the specifics of shit wrang...well that's life innit. If the event doesn't have a wrestling ring in the middle of it, my ability tae keep track of when and where shit happened diminishes but I'll attempt tae cover up these faults wae shite patter and Repo Man anecdotes (mind the time The Repo Man slathered himsell in marmalade n slid aboot the laminate floors in Ludvig Borgas hoose? nah me neither)


We began wae a wee quiz, hosted by the bold Wee Man. A young man remarked that I should do well in this quiz cause I write a wrestling blog, but he was making the all to common mistake of assuming I know things. I really fuckin don't. Anything I do know is swiftly forgotten, and anything I don't forget will tend to be about how many reigns certain cunts have had with the Hardcore Title (Godfathers Ho had that memorable reign, and Shawn Stasiak held it 450029 times, for a total time of 31 minutes) so aye, we struggled. The first few rounds were awrite. Some stuff about the auld WWE version of ECW, a picture round, and something else which escapes me, but see the fuckin round where ye had tae guess the themes? suffering christ. I've watched wrestling for the best part of 20 years now, n I recognised a bit of one of them. Apparently Billy Kirkwood was responsible for that part of the quiz, so I can only assume that his intention was tie gie everycunt an aneurysm trying tae rack their brains for any form of recollection of whit they were hearing. The Wee Man remarked that anyone who managed to get any of the themes would die a virgin, so I wis fairly pleased tae no get any tbh. There's hope yet.

The winners are announced, and whilst there wis nae numbers limitation placed on the quiz teams, I felt a bit cheated tbh. There must have been at least 200 folk in this team, and I'm sittin there wae a daft burd who asked me how tae spell Mantaur. We didnae come last but, and our team name wis "we couldnae think of a team name, but remember that time Owen kicked the leg outta Brets leg?" and that raised a laugh in the room, so its no aw bad. No as much of a laugh as one team having the name "Davey Blaze IQ = Yellow" . Big Davey took it in good humour right enough, and at one point I'm sure he gave the big screen a kiss. Cannae mind who the kiss was aimed at right enough, but that screen is 4 months pregnant now, so there ye go.


On tae the reason we were all here now. Motherfuckin awards tae be handed oot. I should mention that while they had been civil to this point, Renfrew, BT Gunn and Divers entered the venue together and looked like they were in the mood tae cause a ruckus. I'm fairly certain I seen Renfrew scud Lionhearts napper wae toothpick at one point, like he wis mad Razor Ramon or suhin, but I might be making that up. Anyway...awards n that.


Best Newcomer - Solar


Mark Coffey presented this award, and gave Solar some aggro on the mic. I think it wis regarding how much of a doing Coffey gave him at Fear and Loathing. Solar responds by saying they didnae finish their match, and they should probably have another go at it. Enjoyed the whole thing, Solar came across very well on the mic, and Coffey was impressive as always. A match between the two was made for Still Smokin in March and that wis that.


Best On The Mic - Jackie Polo


A quick scan of the room helped ascertain who was at the awards in terms of wrestlers, and naecunt was more gutted tae see the room missing a Jackie Polo. I wanted tae see the bold yin working the crowd, asking who wanted tae have their picture taken with TV'S JAAAAAACKIE POOOLO, then when folk say aye he goes "TV'S  JAAAAAACKIE POLO! doesent take pictures with marks" So when he was announced as the winner of this award, and I daftly assumed he wisnae in the room. I was incorrect, cause out the bold yin came. Cutting a crackin wee promo where he rips intae Lionheart, and has the vast majority of the room eatin out the palm of his haun. Nae back and forth between him and Hearto yet, but Polo pretty much confirmed he'll be in the Square Go, so ye huv tae expect a stramash between the boays there.



Tag Team Of The Year - The NAK


Until this point it had gone the way I expected.  Everyone comin together tae celebrate a good year n hand oot some awards, wae a wee bitta promo stuff tae set up some matches in the future. Then as soon as the words "NAK" were announced, BT Gunn flung a chair 10 feet in the air, that managed tae land directly on a beer tap, stayed there for a second, then bounced off (a feat up there being Rock Bottomed so hard in Maryhill a shoe flew intae the crowd n knocked everycunts front teeth oot in the front row) and suddenly we realised this night wisnae gonnae be yer run of the mill staff night out. Renfrew gets on the mic and calls us aw suckers, before reminding us that the NAK remain undefeated as a team. Then he pulled oot aw our dental records, and ripped the cunt oota every single cavity, cause hes a fuckin heel, n he knows some cunts are self conscious about their teeth.


Fierce Female Of The Year - Kay Lee Ray

No much tae see here. It wis supposed to be Carmel presenting this award, but neither her nor the winner wis there unfortunately. So Viper and Bete Noire accepted on her behalf, and done a funny wee bit where Bete thanks her family n that, only for Viper to be aw "you didnae actually win ya silly!" Wis a fun time for all involved. Well deserved win for Kay Lee tae, although Carmel provided stiff competition with her crackin promos and matches, particularly in the second hauf of the year.

Moment Of The Year - Renfrew attacks Dallas


Renfrew rushes the stage like it owes uhm money on this occasion, so theres a feeling in the air that somecunts gettin a doin. Its a familiar feeling in the Glesga City Centre, particularly when theres a bald man involved (no huvin a go at baldies btw, I am one mysell) ye catch that look from across the pub, and it might only be a glance, but its a glance that lets you know. Its time. Its clobberin time. Renfrew says he's no the only wan who deserves credit for this award, and he summons Dallas tae the stage. This is where it gets hazy, cause I remember Dallas being held by Divers and BT, while yer Renfrew gave him aw sortsa patter, then I'm sure they were leaving him be. Unbattered. Dallas gets on the mic again and whatever he said then clearly got the NAKs back up, cause they battered the poor cunt daft. Properly knocked his cunt in, a fact which wis confirmed to me by Dallas during the afterparty when I met him at the bar. He legitimately took a good kicking. Although to be fair, I don't think it wis as severe as gettin a car door slammed on his napper, but still.....sare.


Match Of The Year - Mikey Whiplash vs Grado (Terminator 2)


Loved aw this bit for many reasons. Firstly, the wee patter exchange between the two which involved numerous cracks fae Whippy about carrying Grado, and Grado remarking that "I didnae even F5 ye right" but its aw leading tae them both agreeing that after Whippys injury cutting their match at 100% Shenanigans short, they should probably huv one last match. Where better for that brawness tae take place than Still Smokin at the ABC? Secondly, the match itself was more than deserving of the award. I've been to a lot of live shows, and I'm including gigs, various ceilidhs, and even the odd karaoke night at the miners in the equation here when I say I've never been mare engrossed in anything I've seen live than this match. It wis actually one of the main motivating factors in me starting tae write, so there ye go. If yer reading this and yer yet tae see the match, fuckin dae it. Its aw over the youtube.


Joe Hendry takes to the stage with James R Kennedy for a performance of their Christmas Single "ICDouble Me-and-You" and it was fuckin beautiful. Cunts had their lighters in the air and aw sorts, and Joe Hendry definitely pointed in my direction when he delivered the immortal "IC Double Me and You" line so aye. I've no really got much tae say about this, other than Joe Hendry and I connected. An unbreakable bond has been formed. Two souls have become one.


Insane Wrestler Of The Year - Jack Jester


Nae other winner for this award really was there? He's got the belt tae prove it, and he's flung a lassie aff a balcony, used every single bar in the venues he's wrestled at as a launching pad for elbow drops, threatened to set Chris Renfrew on fire, took a corkscrew to the napper of anyone who came within 5 feet of him when he has the corkscrew in his haun, and he occasionally tombstones hardcore legends through tables...so aye. Jack Jester is fairly fuckin insane. His acceptance speech was lovely right enough, for a man capable of such violence, he led a chorus of that unbelievably catchy "Jack Jester...Jack Jester...Jack Jester" chant, and thanked everyone for making this year so successful. It wis aw just nice. It wis a giant hug masquerading as a speech so it was.


Wrestler Of The Year - Mikey Whiplash

Undeniable really eh? From the technical masterclass we were exposed to (twice) between him and Robbie Dynamite, to the all out war with Jack Jester, and the brilliant storytelling involved in his matches with Grado, Kay Lee Ray and Wolfgang. Its been a year of near perfection in terms of match quality for Whippy. Took the ICW Title after being on the receiving end of quite a doing off Red Lightning anaw, and shed more blood than anyone not named Chris Renfew, so there's nae doubt he's given us all he's got. He'll be looking tae rectify this wee losing streak he's been on right enough, and who could write him off from doing just that at the Square Go? Providing his leg is at the stage in the healing process where it allows ye tae launch cunts over the top rope, he's a safe a bet as anycunt.


Mark Dallas attempted tae give out an award for the Outstanding Achievement in the field of excellence, and I'm fairly certain Joe Hendry and James R Kennedy came to the stage again tae accept the award before it was announced who'd won. If there wis ever a winner announced, I missed it, but it led tae Grado coming tae the stage and the night ended wae the bold Grado singing us out wae a beautiful rendition of Let Me Entertain you. He was eventually joined up on stage by evercunt that wisnae a diabolical heel, and everyone had a rerr time. An afterparty followed, which included an award being smashed tae bits, Bete Noire drawing on peoples faces, and the return of Chris "Conscience" Toal, stoatin aboot gien it aw the patter. Overall, it was a night filled wae mare entertainment than yer entitled to expect for a fiver, and the fact that ICW drew such a big crowd to an awards night says it all. Only wee grievance I'd have is that nae Coffeys, Buckys or Carmel won any awards, cause they've all had a brilliant 2013 in ICW tae, but at the same time ye couldnae really argue with any of the winners. A braw night had by all, so I gie it 4 tins ah Rid Stripe outta 5.


Here's Chris Renfrew tellin ye Santa is in fact real. Cause festivity n that.

WWE RAW Review 30/12/2013

I'm hungover tae fuck and no got the time to re-watch the show, so I'll jist gie ye some of my thoughts the noo and maybe go back and review the show properly next week. Since its the last day of the year n aw that, I wanted tae fire oot wan last post. And so we shall begin.....

Opening promo between the Shield and Punk jist aboot had me on the floor wae excitement. Punk and Ambrose has the potential to one day be one of the best singles feuds in history in terms of mic work, and they're fuckin good in the ring together tae. On this occasion however, its yer Seth Rollins who gets the nod tae face Punk one-on-one. I got the impression with how strong my man Seth wis lookin that Punk might have been putting him over clean. A decision I wid have had many erections for, but it didnae pan oot. Some Shield interference, and a GTS later and its lights oot. Wonderful way tae start the show though.

Orton will defend the belt against Cena at the Rumble. Stephanie McMahon looked mighty fine in them jeans. Ass up from the calves up.

Ziggler beats Axel in a stoater of a 5 minute match. One thing ye cannae question about Axel is his in ring ability, but there are many things ye can question, including his paternity, and if he's ever strung a sentence together that anycunt cared aboot. I find it very difficult to dislike any wrestler who can work, but theres something aboot him and his smug melt that just bothers me. I'd love it if we went away, or became the third cunt tae kid on hes Sin Cara, cause at least that wid mean we widnae need tae see his face.

Big E beats Fandango in an IC Title match, and it wis so braw, I curled intae a wee baw n recited poetry tae mysell whilst weeping softly. Big E's tits, Fandangos shimmering chest, and Summer Rae bein pretty much in the scud made this extremely erotic tae. Gid fuckin show fae all involved.

An odd Hogmanay party segment where Booker T appears tae steaminly stick his boaby in Justin Gabriels ear. It wis really odd cause its no New Years Eve yet, but then Bad News Barrett saved the whole hing by descending fae the fuckin floor next tae the stage and gien us some sterling patter. As much as I miss big Wade in the ring, Bad News Barrett is one of my favourite character re-inventions in years. In terms of taking an established cunt and making him fresh. Braw. Hopefully it leads tae a push in a wrasslin capacity soon.

Sandow says if he loses the night he'll quit. He beats Khali in what was actually a passable match. Khali has never been better in the ring, and whilst that still means hes utter dross, he can at least look capable of standing upright these days. Sandow working him as well as he did tells ye aw ye need tae know aboot that beautiful bearded man. Stoatin.

Truth n Broadus. Utter tripe. Naecunt gives a fuck about any of this. Truth won cause Broadus got distracted by his ain theme music again. I don't even know....

BROCK LESNAR! The beast is fuckin back baby! Paul Heyman cuts a belter of a promo on his behalf, before Brock takes the mic himself and actually done no bad apart fae one wee botch. He challenges anycunt in the back tae come oot n face him, and after kidding on he wis Santa last week, none other than the bold Mark Henry emerges. I cannae really describe how fuckin intae this I wis, and that's fairly remarkable considering I couldnae gie two shites about either of them until earlier this year. Mark Henrys promo work and Brock vs Punk made them two of my favourite cunts but, and watching Brock drive my big pal Mark through a barricade and F5 him wis fuckin wonderful. I suspect it wont lead tae an actual feud right enough. Mark seems tae huv just been a big cunt for Brock tae leather. Brock also says he disnae need tae win the Rumble tae be number one contender, but he kinda does. Sorry tae break it tae ye kiddo.

10 diva tag match. Aksana got the pin and Eva Marie wis there. I cannae bring mysell tae watch these matches tbh. No unless its dense wae gid wrastlers, and unfortunately there isnae enough talented lassies on the main roster tae even fill wan team up with gid wrestlers so aye, it is whit it is. Although it wid be hard for it tae be whit it wisnae, ye know? naw, me neither brother.

Daniel Bryan has a simple wee task tae end the show. Nae problem. Aw he had tae do wis beat Erick Rowan and Luke Harper in singles matches, fur a wee shot at Bray Wyatt. He duly obliges, working a 10-15 minutes stoater wae Harper, and a decent wee 5 minute effort wae Rowan anaw, which included Rowan hittin a middle rope fall away slam which hud me up on my chair reciting lyrics tae The Logical Song in a beautiful falsetto. When Bray enters the ring, DBry is out on his feet, and Harper and Rowan attack him fur the DQ. It seems that no matter whit Daniel Bryan does he wont ever get a fair shot at Bray.

Bray gives him one last chance to repent. One last chance to heed his beautiful words and join the family. Bray can make the pain go away. He just needs Bryan to take his hand, and dye know whit? he fuckin done it. After weeks of torture. Weeks of physical and mental suffering, Daniel Bryan finally realised that nae matter how loud they cheer, and how many t-shirts he sells, they'll never let him get tae where he wants to be. The Authority will never gie him the position he deserves. After struggling tae his feet, DBry is hit wae Sister Abigail and that seems tae be his initiation. He's finally one of the boayzies and I'll tell ye suhin else, I fuckin love it. It makes a lot of hings clearer n kinda indicates this has been the plan all along. Even wee things like Kane joining up wae The Authority are clearer noo, considering Kane wis The Wyatts first target. I suspect he'll be the one they go after first and it'll aw lead tae Bray and the boayz helping Bryan take his rightful place at the top of the fuckin tree. That might be me jist chuckin oot some blind optimism right enough, but I can only hope this development leads tae aw the belts gaun tae aw the beards. I cannae allow mysell tae think otherwise.

Overall a fuckin stoater of a RAW tae end the year. Some braw wrasslin, and the Lesnar/Henry stuff and the Bryan finale were such stauner inducing beauties. Too gid. I'll try n review it properly later in the week but fur now I'm gien it 8 F5s oota 10. Send it.

A wee sidenote since this is my last blog of the year. I want tae thank everyone who's read/RT'd/commented on my stuff and helped this wee page become so popular. 19 thousand views in 6 months is pretty fuckin gid I think, and I'm fair proud of it. I'd also like tae thank the folk who inspire and support me every day. That's enough ae the sappy patter right. Wrasslin n that eh. Ye cannae whack it, even if ye hud a tenny racket meht.

Happy new year tae yees aw. Here's two of Foleys faces.

WWE RAW Review 23/12/2013

Last weeks RAW review lacked the usual vigour of ma previous efforts, for a few daft reasons, so I wis fair lookin forward tae gettin stuck in tae it this week. Yet here I sit, 5 minutes before showtime, wae my arse well and truly deflated cause I was pretty much tellt aw the spoilers from this weeks show. RAW is usually live, so spoilers urnae a problem but wae shows roon the festive season its sometimes taped. I dont read spoilers for 2 reasons. 1. It affects how ye react tae the show imo. Makes nae sense tae me whatsoever, but ive nae problem wae folk who dae read them. Wid be like readin the whole plot fur a film afore gaun tae see it, but listen. I'm no arsed. Each tae their ain eh. and more importantly 2. ITS STILL FUCKIN REAL TAE ME.

Mark Henry opens the show in aw his glory. A happy, mountainous Santa, smiling fae ear tae ear. He's yer good Santa for the evening, and Damien Sandow wae aw his snarky patter wid be the bad guy. I assume mare hings will happen concerning that. Perhaps a match between the two to settle hings? Cept I ken they huv a match, n I ken who wins haha. Thats good eh? Saves me the bother of watchin it aw unfold. Good for me.

Naw. I'm still no err it.

Triple H, Kane and Stephanie McMahon in Santa hats, I'm gonnae go ahead n switch ma brain aff tae suhin good happens here. Here's a wee festive drawing of Mr Perfect I drew fur ma pal tae somethin decent happens.

Fuckin theres Blandy Snoreton noo. Nice belts meht, fancy trading wan of them for a functional eye? even wan wid dae meht. Blandy 'wan-eye' Snoreton they'd cry ye. Sounds lit a really shite mafia cunt. I dont even know whit that patter is man. Fuckin....Randys in a giving mood, gied wee JoJo aff Total Divas Herpes did he no? or did I make that yin up? I make a lotta shit up btw, wan time I'm sure I said somedy broke a submission hold by throwin ees voice under the ropes.

Hunners ah Divas. Total Divas vs Other Divas cept AJ

Ridiculous fuckin spot where everycunt fae total divas joined airms and kicked cunts. Fuckin get that tae fuckin fuck. Natalya and Aksana baith looked eye wateringly braw but, n Nattie slapped Aksanas wee erse fur her. Gid shit. Nattie locked in the maist beautiful sharpshooter int he hitsory of human existence anaw, so hings urnae aw that bad eh. Could be worse. We coulda had Vickie Guerrero buttin somedy wae antlers oan. Naw wait...THAT DID HAPPEN.


Bah fuckin humbug. 

Sin Cara vs Curtis Axel

Pretty fuckin gid so it wis. I enjoyed the match, but once again I wis blindsided wae a fuckin spoiler as it wis just startin. This was one of the matches I hudnae seen a spoiler for yet so naturally I wis delighted tae have aw the wonder sooked ootae this yin anaw. Really gid. SIN CARA WINS WAE THE SWANTON. HOORAY.


Awrite? ma names Martin. I'm 24 years old, I own over 50 socks, some of them belong to a pair, and at least 15-20 books, most of which I've read at least once. I cook a mean poached egg and there's suhin im forgettin i hink...aw aye, I'M FUCKIN RAGIN MEHT. 

Posting spoilers on twitter, or anywhere i can fuckin see them isnae cool. If you pull that shit, I will shite in a polly bag n make ye swally it whole. Well I prolly wont, but I'd really fuckin like tae. 

Damien Sandow bein mean tae a wee lassie. Cmon Damo, yer better than that meht. Santa's supposed tae be jolly ya sillyheid! Tells her he's cancelled Christmas, but I dont think he has the authority tae make that call, so yees can aw still eat too much n drunk rum ootae a sippy cup if yer intae it.

The Big Show in a top hat wae a happy new year hing across his chest, and I hink he wis wearin a nappy. I dont even fuckin know man. Remember wrestling?

Batista is back baby! Cause a 44 year old who disnae really like wrestling, and could dae fuck all but powerbomb and spear cunts when he wis in his prime is exactly whit we need. No tae sound like a pure know it all or that, but see this? get it as far away fae me as humanly possible, and when it gets there, gie it a wedgie n stick its heid doon the pan. Fuckin BIG DAVE IS BACK!!! JANUARY 20TH! JIST IN TIME TAE WIN THE RUMBLE. 

Bah fuckin humbug

Daniel Bryan, Goldy and Cody Rhodes vs The Wyatt Family

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaye! fuckin so much fuckin aye. Not only wis this one of the matches I didnae know the outcome for, but it happened to be one of my favourite 6 man tag matches probably ever. A wondrous feast for the senses so it wis. Christmas is back AWN! I dont have time tae re-watch it and gie ye the play-by-play but needless tae say it had everything ye could possibly have wanted from this type of match. Lariats fae big Harper, Rowan confused n flingin cunts. Goldy gien ye aw that uppercuttin, atomic droppin gidness. Tried a snapmare on Harper but the big yin blocks it. He blocks hings often cause he's a big bastard n thats jist whit he's intae. Suicide dive fae DBry, aw the kicks, aw the missile dropkicks. Aw the best shit. DBry finally gets a shot at Bray, but the big yin bolts and when DBry goes after him, big Rowan flattens the poor cunt. Cody in the ring wae big Harper, and hits uhm wae a wee drop toehold, followed by a moonsault. Rowan tosses DBry intae a barricade, and gets hit by a flying Goldust right efter it, cause Goldust is the fuckin da. When aw that madness was going on outside the ring, poor Cody wis gettin Sister Abigailed in it and that wis that. The Wyatts go over strong as fuck again. Nae bad thing really, but its another loss for DBry and another doing for him, and The Rhodezies.

Bryan gets a mild but probably quite sare doing afterwards, and Bray re-iterates that he could have taken the pain away. It didnae have tae be like this. Felt like he was on the verge of tears as he spoke tae DBry, which just about sums up the extent of this mans acting prowess. Windham Rotunda no longer exists, he's morphed intae Bray Wyatt for good. Follow the buzzards.

(this wis where I stopped reviewing it live cause I couldnae be fucked, the remainder of this review wis written at hauf 5 on Chrismtas Morning, hence the slightly cheerier tone tae it. Please enjoy responsibly in the presence of at least 3 semi functional adults, or a baby lion)

.A segment which involved Drew Mcintyre and Jinder Mahal in a sing off against Xavier Woods and R-Truth, and of course Khali and Santino cause its RAW Christmas and thats jist how shit wis goin down. I wisnae sure whit wis happenin, or where the fuck ma main man Heath Slater wis, but as soon as Khali got on the mic n started gaun "fa la la la la, fa la la la la" over n over again, nuhin else mattered. Majestic. Him n Santino won of course, although if ye want ma honest opinion on whose voice possessed the maist beauty, I'd huv tae go wae the bold Xavier Woods. If ye want my opinion on who the greatest human shaped disaster oan the planet is, that wid huv tae be Le Grande Khali.

Dolph Ziggler vs Fandango (Christmas Present On A Pole Match)

The present wis an IC Title shot, and I kent who won this afore it kicked aff so when I fun oot that wis the stip it bothered me even mare. Why the fuck is Dolph Ziggler the guy that puts over CONTENDERS fur the IC belt noo? It'll never make sense tae me neer it willnae, n I jist want tae tell him its aw gonnae be awrite, while I make a lifelike waxwork model of that breathtaking erse hes goat. Aye so, Fandango shoves him aff the top rope, Dolph sells it like he died on the way doon n his boady shattered intae a million tiny glistening pieces, n Fandango gets the title shot.  End ah fuckin story.

The Usos vs The PTP

Some mic work fae Darren Young here tae kick us aff! he's frustrated that Titus is always the cunt daein the talkin, so he grabs the mic, only tae say the wrang toon name and get it promptly took aff uhm. Ye cannae go aboot Texas n no be aware whit part yer in Darren meht. Wid be lit gaun tae Ibrox, grabbin the mic aff the compere, n welcoming everycunt tae Sellik Park. Cunts lucky tae huv made it oot alive tbh, especially efter an Uso hits uhm wae a big splash aff the tap rope tae gie the boayz the win. Then they aw done the millyins ah dollas hing afterwards because KAYFABE IS DEAD.

Mark Henry vs Damien Sandow

So mind how Damien Sandow wis supposed tae be the next World Heavyweight Champion? Mind how he cashed in the MITB briefcase against Cena, n worked a fuckin stoatin match, only tae lose anyway? Mind how everycunt assumed this wid lead tae him workin wae Cena n gettin the belt eventually? I mind meht. I mind aw these hings, and I mind how it wis aw snatched away in an instant when this fuckin unification shite started up, and now we've goat a bonafide genius in Damien Sandow languishing in the midcard once more, cuttin  aboot trying tae cancel Christmas, n gettin leathered wae candy canes aff Mark Henry. I dunno who's burial I'm mare annoyed aboot tbh, cause Dolph at least had a wee shot of the baw afore Triple H burst it, n gied the deflated remains tae Berty Naebelts, Sandow's jist been shelved by the looks of it. Henry won wae the Worlds Strongest Slam n that wis that. Two of my favourite cunts cuttin aboot in fuckin Santa suits, as much as it wis gid clean hermless fun, I want these two pushed right up that card. No the morra, no yesterday, no the day....in fact aye, the day. I want them pushed THE DAY. Christmas fuckin Day. Push ma boayz or risk being on the receiving end of a strongly worded email. Perhaps a fax anaw if yer lucky (nae fuckin idea who I'm even supposed tae be talkin tae here. We'll say its Vince McMahon n say nae mare aboot it right? sound)

A fairly fuckin beautiful promo between three of ma mainest men. Big E n aw his magnificant shiny diddies gidness, CM Punk wae the stories, and John Cena wae the reckless enthusiasm. They're gonnae batter The Shield stupit the night and have nae qualms wae lettin us know aw aboot it. That's yer main event btw, they three boayz takin oan the Shieldzies. Punk talks aboot never having asked fur help afore, but he's making an exception cause its Christmas. Santa brought him John Cena n Big E Langston, and they shall go forth as a unit. If Santa brought me a coupla bonafide stoaters lit they two fur crimmuh, I might be able tae forgive him fur never bringin me wannae yon Hulk Hogan rippable vests when I wis wee. 

Los Matadores vs The Real Americans

Antonio Cesaro is so much more than the fuckin swings so he is. As braw a spot as it is, its happenin waaaaay too fuckin often now, n cunts are startin tae forget hes a wrasslin adonis. Anyway aye, the wee bull nutted Cesaro in the baws efter he does some swings on a Matador, and another Matador inexplicably pinned Swagger wae a crossbody. Ye fuckin whit meht? crossbodys huvnae pinned anycunt since the early 80s, get this tae fuck.

Ryback squashes Kofi Kingston. I'm sure somedy on planet earth gied a fuck. Mibbe Kofi's brerrs n sisters back in Jamaica?

I love Bad News Barrett n I frankly couldnae gie a fuck whit ye hink ma man. Theres wee segments throughout the night involving him bein nice n collectin fur charity oan the streets, and the segment in the arena is basically him telin us that he plans tae steal that charity money n spend it oan nipple tassels n swedgers. No gien a modicum of a fuck either. Cause Bad News Barrett  dont give an eff about nuffin!

The Shield vs CM Punk, Big E Langston and John Cena

Magic. Whit a braw RAW fur 6 man tag matches. Cena starts hings aff wae Rollins and yer boay looks sharp as fuck. Aw the shoulderblocks. Fleein aw err the place. Ambrose in there wae Cena, hittin uh wae some methodical jabs and looks of pure lust. Lovely wee snap suplex on the outside fae Ambrose on Punk. Drapped ye right oan yer coccyx dint eh Phil ma man. Reigns gets in n pretty much ragdolls poor Punk. Bearhug intae a belly tae belly suplex, raw power baybeeee. A flurry of activity leads tae Big E bein left on his tod wae Rollins n Ambrose and he tries n fails tae hit them baith wae the Big Ending. Wound up wae a kick tae the side of the dome aff Rollins fur his considerable trouble. Cena breaks up the pin fae that, and catches a flyin Rollins, before gettin him up for the AA only tae be speared clean oot ees Nu-Balances by Roman Reigns. Everycunt clears oot, leaving Big E tae finally hit The Big Ending on Ambrose and jist when it looks like the big yin is going over strong as fuck, the boayzies come in tae break up the pin and fur some reason get DQ'd in the process. Cannae go this picking and choosing when breaking up a pin is legal in a tag match, but I didnae really gie much of a fuck tbh. Belter of a match, and it ended a RAW that admiteddly I wisnae in the best of oods fur on a high note.

So i'll tell yees aw whit. RAW gets a generous 6.5 gutwrench powerbombs oota 10 despite its deficiencies cause there wis two superb 6 man tag matches and Natalya wearin a wee skirt, and also I'm feelin fuckin festive brah. Merry Christmas tae you and yours.

 



 

WWE RAW Review 16/12/2013

This weeks RAW review will be shorter, cause I cannae be bothered watchin it again n pickin it apart tae be honest. It wis a decent show. Plenty of gid wrasslin as per, but then we wasted a whole segment on Broadus Clays inexplicably drawn out heel turn, and the commentators took a seflie during a match and somewhere between they two things happening, my brain collapsed in on itself.

The Show opens wae everycunt gathered on the stage again, because even when ye dae it 15 times in about 4 months, that patter never gets auld. They're out to congratulate Blandy on having two belts, and he cuts a promo where he tries tae sound intense but just sounds like he needs a shite. Cena interrupts by calling him an idiot and urges him tae take on Daniel Bryan. I got really excited n assumed it wis for the belts. Didnae click that it wisnae for a good hauf hour. Utter riddy. The match was made by Triple H though and it would indeed be Randy Orton vs Daniel Bryan in a non title match in the main event an it was fuckin immense tbh. But we'll get tae that efter.

The Rhodezies vs ReyShow

Pretty much the same exchange which ended the fatal 4 way at TLC, wae aw yer usual brawness fae Goldy, n Cody. Nae 'rana fae the gold yin this time though. Show wis also pretty fuckin decent and Rey done aw the usual Rey routine. Another clean loss for The Rhodes lehdz anaw, as Goldy hits Show wae an uppercut, and a flying forearm, before having his ddt attempt blocked and turned intae a chokeslam by the big yin. Then Rey climbed uhm and drapped the dime for the win. Once again Show n Rey help Goldy tae his feet, and kinda pity him, which makes me hink they might repeat this routine a few times, but eventually Goldy gets sick of the pity n starts batterin cunts. Namely his wee brerr. That's yer heel turn, settin up yer wrasslemania Brerr v Brerr encounter.

Bad News Barrett correctly cries us aw a bunch of lowlifes. Yesterday aw I ate wis 3 pot noodles, and 2 pieces n pringles, so I'm personally fittin that criteria tae perfection. So what? wanna fight about it?

Fandango vs Dolph Ziggler

This wisnae as good as their TLC pre-show match if ye ask me, but one thing that isnae in doubt is the chemistry these two handsome bastards huv. Fandango doges a baseball slide and sends Dolph beak first tae the deck wae a big clothesline. Then  Dolph rolls through an attempt at...something fae Fandango, and rolls him up for the pin. Best ah 3 boayzies? Lets huv the decider on Smackdown, and lets make it a cheeky wee two outta three falls match eh! why no?

The Real Americans vs Big E and Mark Henry

This wisnae a bad RAW btw. Quite the opposite. Don't take my lack of attention tae detail as a damning verdict oan the quality of the show, I cannae be bothered is aw, but this was crackin. Big E an Cesaro showed some potential for an intriguing one on one feud, but I say that aboot anycunt that has the privilege of getting in the ring wae Cesaro. Big E launches Tony intae the right wae a hiptoss before planting him wae the back body drop. The tables are turned on the big yin and he's gaspin tae get the World Soundest Man tagged in, but Cesaro drags him away, and deadlifts him afore hitting the Gutwrench Suplex. Cesaro tries the swings on Henry, but Big E stops that wae a big diddy hit, before pulling doon the straps and hitting the Big Ending. Jack Swagger wis in this match tae btw, I apologise fur no mentionin but I've nae spare fucks tae give ye.

Broadus Clay comes oot wae Tensai tae go 2 on 2 wae The Rybaxel (that's whit im cawin them noo, addition of "The" tae make it abundantly clear that I see them as one single, personality free entity). They're draggin this fuckin heel turn out for another week, but thankfully it finally happened. Broadus jumps aff the apron when Tensai goes for a tag, n Ryback shellshocks him for the pin. Broadus comes in and keeps hittin his auld pal wae big splashes, until hauners fae R-Truth and Xavier Woods arrive. Broadus Clay is a heel now, and my frustration at how long its took tae dae it has manifested itsell physically intae a frozen shoulder. Ooyah.

CM Punk emerges for story time and he's joined by none other than Shawn Michaels, this wis lovely. Punk warns HBK that even though he kinda enjoyed getting superkicked aff him last week in a strange way, if he tries tae pull that shit again he's gonnae get kicked back. HBK says kicking Punk wis painful for him, but then he introduces The Shield and says that's painful anaw. I dunno why really, it wis a gid back and forth between the boayz, and it teases HBK vs Punk for Mania which would be unspeakably braw, but at the same time, I'm really confused as tae why it pained HBK tae introduce Punk to opponents that he already knew about. So aye...wrestling.

CM Punk and The Usos vs The Shield

Usual excellence between these guys. Rollins gets tossed up in the air and Samoan Drapped by an Uso. Reigns locks one of his cousins intae a vielike chinlock, then Pun double neckbreakered Ambrose and Rollins. Punk gets Ambrose up for the GTS, and hits it, but Reigns had made a blind tag and he speared the Punkster oot his kickpads fur the win. The Shield still gaun strong, tellt ye big Roman wisnae turning heel yet. Also when they escaped through the crowd, Ambrose gave Reigns a wee kiss, and that wis the single greatest moment of the year. Perhaps a candidate for the best thing that's ever happened to anyone.

Wee Titantron promo fae Bray. He speaks of Daniel Bryans cowardice. He speaks of holding Daniel Bryan ever so tenderly and offering to take the pain away. Daniel Bryan refused. He apologises for ever doubting Abigail. If Daniel Bryan refuses to walk with the reapers, he will burn with the saints. I dunno what that means, but by Christ I am excited aboot it.

The Smellas and Natalya vs Alicia Fox, Tamina and AJ

This was pretty fuckin gid considering it involved The Smellas. Particularly impressed by Alicia Foxx, who's been used poorly for years. She can at least go a wee but, but naecunt gies a fuck unfortunately. Tamina has aw the action worth talkin aboot really. Beautiful Samoan Drop, and after some shenanigans between AJ and Nikki, Tamina blindsides the shiter Bella wae a superkick, leaving AJ tae hit the shining wizard for the win.

Mark Henry is Santa Claus, and I fuckin LOVE IT. Damien Sandow wis Santa Claus earlier, that wis gid tae. There'll be mare Santa based shenanigans between these two later anaw. Brawness.

Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton

This wis wonderful. Its rarely shite when these two get together cause as much as I find Orton unpalatable as a human being, when given the right opponent he can put on good matches and the quality of this yin seems tae indicate that he's taking his responsibilities as the main man in the company at least a wee bit seriously. Trying tae cut promos that cunts care aboot anaw, but that's no really pannin oot if ye ask me. Be less boring meht.
Bryan gets Orton tied up in the corner and dropkicks him in the knee, before wrappin hm roon a pole n jabbin his glaikit dial. A wee uppercut exchange fae the boays, is followed by Orton catching a big kick tae the breadbasket. Orton sends DBry flyin aff the ropes and catches him wae a big elbow tae the solar plexus. Sare dunt. An eve sarer dunt followed as DBry goes for a suicide dive, but Orton catches it and aids Bryans natural momentum tae send him flying beard first ontae the ground. Does yon spot wear he draps his opponent on the barricaders tae, cause he does it in every fuckin match. Dbry gets nae yes caught in the corner and flies at him wae a hunner dropkicks and assorted additional kicks. They swap momentum shifts for a bit, afore DBry gets the YES! lock in, Orton gets the rope and slides oot only tae be hit wae a Suicide Dive at the second attempt, and a dropkick which sent Orton err the barrier. Bryan looks tae be building up tae overcoming Orton clean, but after the chest kicks, and the attempted roundhouse tae the face, Orton ducks it and hits a low blow fur the DQ. Crackin match, but theres yer undisputed champ lookin weak as fuck again.

Orton looks tae finish the show but battering DBry some mare, but Cena comes oot n stops it, only for the viper tae sleekitly slither back in and hit him wae an RKO. He then proceeded tae masturbate furiously and shoot two puffs of steam oot the end ae his hauf incher, each of them directed at one of his fallen foes. Or he lifted baith belts above his heid while enemies wur lying spark oot. I dunno, it wis wan of they two things anyway.

8.5 bulldogs oota 10. Overall a stoater of a RAW. I apologise if this kinda vague review didnae paint a vivid enough picture of it, so in an attempt tae make up for that, here's an actual picture of HBK tellin ye he's still sexy.

WWE Smackdown Review (Plain English) 13/12/2013

Daniel Bryan vs Erick Rowan

I know its because they seem to want Unification talk to close the show these days, but still. If your show starts with Daniel Bryan in a match, then its a show I'm going watch with heart palpitations. A big bearhug fro Rowan, is countered with a missile dropkick from DBry as business started to pick-up. We got chest kicks from Bryan, followed by the big roundhouse to the side of Rowans dome. Then Harper jumped on the apron and caught a dropkick for his troubles, before DBry slips out of a powerslam attempt, and runs the ropes, eventually hitting Harper with a suicide dive. He then pulls the bottom rope down on Rowan and looks to be going for the double suicide dive, but Bray trips him n that's game, set and match. Bryan wins by DQ. Had the feeling that with Bray out there this wasn't going to end cleanly.

Bray settles back into his seat, seemingly prepared to watch his minions knock Bryan stupid but Danny turns the tables! Evades their attacks, before fleeing to the outside a knocking Bray right out his chair with a flyin knee! Magnificent.

Goldust and Cody Rhodes vs The Real Americans

13 minutes into the show and I'd already seen Daniel Bryan, The Wyatts, Goldust, Cody and Cesaro. Smackdown was spoling us this week! Nice armdrag takedown from Goldy on Cesaro. These two need to have a singles match asap.Cody dodges the Swagger Bomb, and gets to Goldy for a tag, before Goldy unleashes all the classics. Uppercut to the jaw, inverted atomic drop, and a wee spinebuster, but Cesaro gets a blind tag during the whole routine, and in comes the big guy. Cesaro sends Goldust to the outside, and nearly takes his beautiful gold head off with a brutal clothesline, and when we get back from the break, even Swagger's kicking poor Goldys head in. Cesaro gets in and gets to uppecuttin, before sending Goldy in Swaggers direction for  a wonderful belly to belly suplex. Goldust gives us a selling masterclass here, because he manages to fight back, but he looks totally out of it whilst doing so. Hits a shoulderblock off the second rope and that gives him an opening for a tag, but he just cant move...he finally crawls to the corner and Cody gets in there with Cesaro. Alabama Slam from Cody is delivered and he goes for the cover, but Tony reaches the bottom rope before the three count. Cesaro ducks the disaster kick and goes for the swings, but Goldy stops it, before Cesaro sent him fleeing out of the ring, then gets caught with a second attempt at the disaster kick. Swagger breaks up the pin attempt, and Cody sends them both outside, before hitting a springboard crossbody. He then goes up top lookin to put the Real Americans to bed, but Swagger tickles his leg, and off that distraction Cesaro hits an unspeakably brilliant Uppercut from the top rope to give The Real Americans a win over the tag champs.

Bad News Barrett time? starting to properly love this new gimmick. I popped hard when the crowd are getting unruly and he called for "Decorum please!" before delivering this weeks bad news. The bad news is that we're all a bunch of losers, who are forced to live vicariously through a winner like Bad News Barrett, which is the fairest point any human has ever made.

Mark Henry vs Damien Sandow

Big E on commentary here. This Smackdown is too good. Mark Henry dumps Sandow on the outside, before askin him is "that's all you got?" and eh...well it was. He took the countout, whilst pointing to Big E, signifying that he wont have the energy to wrestle two guys that could deadlift a Range Rover in the space of a few days, so he'll save his energies for Big E at TLC on Sunday. Big E sends Damo back into the ring for a big splash off Mark, before the intellectual saviour of the masses gets himself outta there. Big E chases efter him but we never did get to see if he caught him. That'll keep me up at night.

Tamina and AJ vs The Smellas

In too good a mood to pay full attention tae the work of The Smellas, so I'll tell you how it ended. Brie Smella tapped to the Black Widow after some shenanigans that involved the Bellas stumbling about looking drunk. Natty was on commentary, and was a goddess as always./

Jahnnnn Ceeeeeeeeena promo. His promo to end RAW was a belt, but I prefer it when he has someone to interact with in a promo. This is decent for a solo one though, some of his solo ones have been awful in the past. He says Orton has a glass jaw. Johnny Cena's gonna tap that jaw. He says if Orton gets hit with a chair, or gets put through a table, that's him done. If it happens to Cena HE GETS BACK UP! and he yammers on like that for a wee while longer. The champ is here. Etc etc. This was Cena by numbers tbh, wasn't feeling it much apart from the glass jaw crack.

Rollins and Reigns vs The Usos

A wee leapfrog from Rollins is followed by an uppercut from Jimmy or Jey. Reigns gets in and almost decapitates his cousin..Jimmy or perhaps Jey, who knows? it was an Uso shaped man, and he was in a chinlock. Then he got floored with a clothesline, making it a fairly traumatic 20 second period for the poor lad. Rollins gets tagged in, and attempts a double team with Reigns, but JeyMaybeJimmy kicks Reigns in the head, sends Rollins flyin over the top rope, before planting his cousin on the dome with a spike DDT. Uppercut from Jimmy, before het tosses Rollins in the air and catches him with the Samoan Drop. Then a whole lot of activity occurred that I struggled to keep up with, but the main hing you should take from this, is that Rollins gets majorly cheeky with a wee CM Punk impression as he signals its time fur Jimmy or Jey to go to sleep, but instead of delivering a GTS, he sends an Uso right into big Romans path for another vertebrae shatterer of a spear. Lights out. Shield get the win.

CM Punk promo backstage. He talks about exposing The Shields weaknesses, and pretty much looks as menacing as a man can look while taping his hands up. Ends it by urging us all to "Believe! in the best in the world!" I saw his face. Now I'm a believer.

Ryback vs Big Show

Properly good episode of Smackdown this had been. Then this happened. This was a lot better than I expected when it happened on RAW, but I cant even begin to explain how little I cared about it this time. Only happened to set up a wee flurry of action at the end to help build up the recently announced Fatal 4 Way match for the tag belts at TLC. Show puts Ryback to bed with a chokeslam, Axel gets fresh and gets 619'ed off Rey then knocked clean out by Show.

Ooft I didnt think we were getting storytime wae Bray this week! but there he is on the titantron. Screaming about how he's been such a fool to put his neck on the line for Daniel Bryan. He's going make him walk with the reaper and leave this world behind. Spine tingling stuff.

Kofi was supposed to wrestle Del Rio, but Miz attacked him from behind and it never happened. Such a waste of time, it was almost obscene.

The show ended with Orton trudging out to apologise tae The Authority for knocking Steph out on RAW. I loved the end of RAW cbeause it managed tae pull al the potentially explosive elements of this TLC match into one neat package bu when you separate them? Snoozeworthy. Triple H is there. The Daniel Bryan chants start again because the fans DEMAND he returns to the mountain top. Trips ends it with an open ended statement about him "knowing where their faith lies"

Loved the first hour and a half of Smackdown this week, but the last half hour was the most futile waist of anyones time in the prestigious history of time wasting. So for that reason, this weeks Smackdown drops back to a moderate 7 tiger suplexes oota 10