So aye...awards show. I took nae notes and wound up wae a decent drink in me, so if I get the specifics of shit wrang...well that's life innit. If the event doesn't have a wrestling ring in the middle of it, my ability tae keep track of when and where shit happened diminishes but I'll attempt tae cover up these faults wae shite patter and Repo Man anecdotes (mind the time The Repo Man slathered himsell in marmalade n slid aboot the laminate floors in Ludvig Borgas hoose? nah me neither)
We began wae a wee quiz, hosted by the bold Wee Man. A young man remarked that I should do well in this quiz cause I write a wrestling blog, but he was making the all to common mistake of assuming I know things. I really fuckin don't. Anything I do know is swiftly forgotten, and anything I don't forget will tend to be about how many reigns certain cunts have had with the Hardcore Title (Godfathers Ho had that memorable reign, and Shawn Stasiak held it 450029 times, for a total time of 31 minutes) so aye, we struggled. The first few rounds were awrite. Some stuff about the auld WWE version of ECW, a picture round, and something else which escapes me, but see the fuckin round where ye had tae guess the themes? suffering christ. I've watched wrestling for the best part of 20 years now, n I recognised a bit of one of them. Apparently Billy Kirkwood was responsible for that part of the quiz, so I can only assume that his intention was tie gie everycunt an aneurysm trying tae rack their brains for any form of recollection of whit they were hearing. The Wee Man remarked that anyone who managed to get any of the themes would die a virgin, so I wis fairly pleased tae no get any tbh. There's hope yet.
The winners are announced, and whilst there wis nae numbers limitation placed on the quiz teams, I felt a bit cheated tbh. There must have been at least 200 folk in this team, and I'm sittin there wae a daft burd who asked me how tae spell Mantaur. We didnae come last but, and our team name wis "we couldnae think of a team name, but remember that time Owen kicked the leg outta Brets leg?" and that raised a laugh in the room, so its no aw bad. No as much of a laugh as one team having the name "Davey Blaze IQ = Yellow" . Big Davey took it in good humour right enough, and at one point I'm sure he gave the big screen a kiss. Cannae mind who the kiss was aimed at right enough, but that screen is 4 months pregnant now, so there ye go.
On tae the reason we were all here now. Motherfuckin awards tae be handed oot. I should mention that while they had been civil to this point, Renfrew, BT Gunn and Divers entered the venue together and looked like they were in the mood tae cause a ruckus. I'm fairly certain I seen Renfrew scud Lionhearts napper wae toothpick at one point, like he wis mad Razor Ramon or suhin, but I might be making that up. Anyway...awards n that.
Best Newcomer - Solar
Mark Coffey presented this award, and gave Solar some aggro on the mic. I think it wis regarding how much of a doing Coffey gave him at Fear and Loathing. Solar responds by saying they didnae finish their match, and they should probably have another go at it. Enjoyed the whole thing, Solar came across very well on the mic, and Coffey was impressive as always. A match between the two was made for Still Smokin in March and that wis that.
Best On The Mic - Jackie Polo
A quick scan of the room helped ascertain who was at the awards in terms of wrestlers, and naecunt was more gutted tae see the room missing a Jackie Polo. I wanted tae see the bold yin working the crowd, asking who wanted tae have their picture taken with TV'S JAAAAAACKIE POOOLO, then when folk say aye he goes "TV'S JAAAAAACKIE POLO! doesent take pictures with marks" So when he was announced as the winner of this award, and I daftly assumed he wisnae in the room. I was incorrect, cause out the bold yin came. Cutting a crackin wee promo where he rips intae Lionheart, and has the vast majority of the room eatin out the palm of his haun. Nae back and forth between him and Hearto yet, but Polo pretty much confirmed he'll be in the Square Go, so ye huv tae expect a stramash between the boays there.
Tag Team Of The Year - The NAK
Until this point it had gone the way I expected. Everyone comin together tae celebrate a good year n hand oot some awards, wae a wee bitta promo stuff tae set up some matches in the future. Then as soon as the words "NAK" were announced, BT Gunn flung a chair 10 feet in the air, that managed tae land directly on a beer tap, stayed there for a second, then bounced off (a feat up there being Rock Bottomed so hard in Maryhill a shoe flew intae the crowd n knocked everycunts front teeth oot in the front row) and suddenly we realised this night wisnae gonnae be yer run of the mill staff night out. Renfrew gets on the mic and calls us aw suckers, before reminding us that the NAK remain undefeated as a team. Then he pulled oot aw our dental records, and ripped the cunt oota every single cavity, cause hes a fuckin heel, n he knows some cunts are self conscious about their teeth.
Fierce Female Of The Year - Kay Lee Ray
No much tae see here. It wis supposed to be Carmel presenting this award, but neither her nor the winner wis there unfortunately. So Viper and Bete Noire accepted on her behalf, and done a funny wee bit where Bete thanks her family n that, only for Viper to be aw "you didnae actually win ya silly!" Wis a fun time for all involved. Well deserved win for Kay Lee tae, although Carmel provided stiff competition with her crackin promos and matches, particularly in the second hauf of the year.
Moment Of The Year - Renfrew attacks Dallas
Renfrew rushes the stage like it owes uhm money on this occasion, so theres a feeling in the air that somecunts gettin a doin. Its a familiar feeling in the Glesga City Centre, particularly when theres a bald man involved (no huvin a go at baldies btw, I am one mysell) ye catch that look from across the pub, and it might only be a glance, but its a glance that lets you know. Its time. Its clobberin time. Renfrew says he's no the only wan who deserves credit for this award, and he summons Dallas tae the stage. This is where it gets hazy, cause I remember Dallas being held by Divers and BT, while yer Renfrew gave him aw sortsa patter, then I'm sure they were leaving him be. Unbattered. Dallas gets on the mic again and whatever he said then clearly got the NAKs back up, cause they battered the poor cunt daft. Properly knocked his cunt in, a fact which wis confirmed to me by Dallas during the afterparty when I met him at the bar. He legitimately took a good kicking. Although to be fair, I don't think it wis as severe as gettin a car door slammed on his napper, but still.....sare.
Match Of The Year - Mikey Whiplash vs Grado (Terminator 2)
Loved aw this bit for many reasons. Firstly, the wee patter exchange between the two which involved numerous cracks fae Whippy about carrying Grado, and Grado remarking that "I didnae even F5 ye right" but its aw leading tae them both agreeing that after Whippys injury cutting their match at 100% Shenanigans short, they should probably huv one last match. Where better for that brawness tae take place than Still Smokin at the ABC? Secondly, the match itself was more than deserving of the award. I've been to a lot of live shows, and I'm including gigs, various ceilidhs, and even the odd karaoke night at the miners in the equation here when I say I've never been mare engrossed in anything I've seen live than this match. It wis actually one of the main motivating factors in me starting tae write, so there ye go. If yer reading this and yer yet tae see the match, fuckin dae it. Its aw over the youtube.
Joe Hendry takes to the stage with James R Kennedy for a performance of their Christmas Single "ICDouble Me-and-You" and it was fuckin beautiful. Cunts had their lighters in the air and aw sorts, and Joe Hendry definitely pointed in my direction when he delivered the immortal "IC Double Me and You" line so aye. I've no really got much tae say about this, other than Joe Hendry and I connected. An unbreakable bond has been formed. Two souls have become one.
Insane Wrestler Of The Year - Jack Jester
Nae other winner for this award really was there? He's got the belt tae prove it, and he's flung a lassie aff a balcony, used every single bar in the venues he's wrestled at as a launching pad for elbow drops, threatened to set Chris Renfrew on fire, took a corkscrew to the napper of anyone who came within 5 feet of him when he has the corkscrew in his haun, and he occasionally tombstones hardcore legends through tables...so aye. Jack Jester is fairly fuckin insane. His acceptance speech was lovely right enough, for a man capable of such violence, he led a chorus of that unbelievably catchy "Jack Jester...Jack Jester...Jack Jester" chant, and thanked everyone for making this year so successful. It wis aw just nice. It wis a giant hug masquerading as a speech so it was.
Wrestler Of The Year - Mikey Whiplash
Undeniable really eh? From the technical masterclass we were exposed to (twice) between him and Robbie Dynamite, to the all out war with Jack Jester, and the brilliant storytelling involved in his matches with Grado, Kay Lee Ray and Wolfgang. Its been a year of near perfection in terms of match quality for Whippy. Took the ICW Title after being on the receiving end of quite a doing off Red Lightning anaw, and shed more blood than anyone not named Chris Renfew, so there's nae doubt he's given us all he's got. He'll be looking tae rectify this wee losing streak he's been on right enough, and who could write him off from doing just that at the Square Go? Providing his leg is at the stage in the healing process where it allows ye tae launch cunts over the top rope, he's a safe a bet as anycunt.
Mark Dallas attempted tae give out an award for the Outstanding Achievement in the field of excellence, and I'm fairly certain Joe Hendry and James R Kennedy came to the stage again tae accept the award before it was announced who'd won. If there wis ever a winner announced, I missed it, but it led tae Grado coming tae the stage and the night ended wae the bold Grado singing us out wae a beautiful rendition of Let Me Entertain you. He was eventually joined up on stage by evercunt that wisnae a diabolical heel, and everyone had a rerr time. An afterparty followed, which included an award being smashed tae bits, Bete Noire drawing on peoples faces, and the return of Chris "Conscience" Toal, stoatin aboot gien it aw the patter. Overall, it was a night filled wae mare entertainment than yer entitled to expect for a fiver, and the fact that ICW drew such a big crowd to an awards night says it all. Only wee grievance I'd have is that nae Coffeys, Buckys or Carmel won any awards, cause they've all had a brilliant 2013 in ICW tae, but at the same time ye couldnae really argue with any of the winners. A braw night had by all, so I gie it 4 tins ah Rid Stripe outta 5.
Here's Chris Renfrew tellin ye Santa is in fact real. Cause festivity n that.
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