Then ye open yer wrestling show wae Ric Flair. Always Ric Flair.
The struttin, womanising, aw seeing, aw doing, aw dancing, figure-four leglockin steamin auld bastard that he is. Ric Flair is yer auld papa btw. Ric Flair is yer granda. Ric Flair sits at faimly perties chattin away tae everycunt, then all of a sudden he hits a certain level of steamin, and he goes deathly quiet fur a few minutes. Maybe as many as 10-15, then all of a sudden he hits that first note, n thats him. Beltin oot Sweet Caroline wae reckless abandon. He gies it some run of the mill Nature Boy patter before he's rudely interrupted by Randy Orton. Here's whit happened fae this point on. The significant parts (which disnae include any words Orton said) Flair refuses tae leave the ring on Ortons request, caws him a dirty big nae eyed prick, Orton takes offence and gestures like he's gonnae staun on Flairs fit, or make him watch a compilation of The Miz' attempts at daein the figure 4. Flairs aw "back up, I never trust a man withoot eyes, how dae ye even know I'm Ric Flair? I could be The Brooklyn Brawler talkin through a Ric Flair voicebox" Ortons like "nut, the Brooklyn Brawler smells like a rainbow...you smell like Scotch and hookers" Then Cena comes oot, tells "Randall" if he's feelin froggy, he better go ahead n leap, n Orton runs for the fuckin hills. Cena joins Flair in a wee bit of struttin, then they baith went backstage and necked aw the Single Malt they could lay their hauns oan. Overall, for the braw Cena words, and Ric Flair being hilariously "auld guy at a perty" steamin, I enjoyed the segment, but my tolerance for Randy Orton, and him clingin on tae they belts like they're his bairns is at an all time low. The fact that he's probably gonnae be the champ at WM30 fuckin turns my stomach man.
JBL and Cole introduce a wee VT about Daniel Bryans alliance wae The Wyatts which took place last week. Nae Lawler due tae a baw infection. so the commentary wid be a lot less unbearable, and JBLs suit wis sharper than Shane Magowans wan remaining tooth.
The Usos and Rey Mysterio vs Harper, Rowan and Daniel Bryan
I wis really fuckin intae this for the most part. Seeing DBry come out wae the rest of the boayzies, and watching his whole demeanour transform wis fuckin wonderful. The wee exchange wae him and Rey early in the match anaw, with Rey seemingly telling him he didnae need tae dae this, but DBry stayed stony faced, and tore intae wee Rey with a flurry of forearms n knees tae the gut. We huv us some flyin Usos on the app, and theres nuhin I hate merr than being shown gid shit that happened when I wis lookin at a Halfords ad fur a gid deal oan windshield wiper fluid, see if it happened on the App? keep it there, or stop putting gid shit on during fuckin adbreks ya team ah pricks. Rey looked braw for his wee spell wae Rowan, and DBrys work has a certain viciousness tae it, but it aw goes wrang when Harper tags himself in and gets pinned by a botched rollup fae Jimmy and/or Jey Uso. I didnae really understand the finish, but there ye go. A lot of this DBry/Wyatts angle is unexplained, and a lot of it kinda looks like it might be a ruse on DBrys part. Infiltrate the boayz, and bring them doon fae within. We'll see but eh?
Big E gaun through a corridor of legends. The bold I.R.S is there, along wae Ted DiBiase, Nikolai Volkoff and some other cunts. I'm reminded of patter I spat oot about I.R.S havin one good baw (producing Bray Wyatt) and one bad baw (producing Bo Dallas) but here's the hing. As much as I widnae call mysell a fan of Dallas, and his in ring work still comes off at as boring and at times sloppy, but see as a heel? whit he's doing is working. He makes me want tae scud his jaw, and thats whit a true heel is supposed tae dae, so I'll gie him his due. There's improvement there. Still hate him wae every fibre of my being, but the cunts gettin better at his job, thats aw ye can really ask fur sometimes.
Big E Langston vs Curtis Axel
Wish I cared more aboot this man, Axel can work and Big E is my shapely diddied warrior prince, but fuck me, I cannae be bothered wae this noise anymerr ataw. Wee snapmare and a neckbreaker fae Axel, no bad gear. Rywank is on commentary n Cole asks him whit led tae him and Axel callin thersells "Rybaxel" n Ryback quite eloquently explained how it wis "jist oor two names combined ya fuckin diddy ride"
Big E gets tae work on Axels belly wae some hard shooders in the corner, but Axel responds wae a lovely dropkick. They go tae the outside, where Big shiny chebs fires Axels skull aff the announce table, afore the Ryba half of Rybaxel starts gien him aggro, and Axel rolls the big barra up for a 2 count. 2 aint enough man, ye need 3, and thats exactly what Big E got efter smashin Axel wae a huge clothesline, and hitting the Big Ending for the win. Done and dusted. I assume fae aw his stupid shite patter than Ryback is gonnae be working wae Big E soon and that fills me wae dread, cause one of them is really powerful, n worthy of a push tae main event status, and the other wan is fuckin Ryback.
Pipers Pit with The Shield
Absolutely fuckin majestic. I'm right tired, so I cannae gie ye the incoherent ramble about the exchange between Ambrose and Piper that might heart desires, but let me tell ye, this shit wis fuckin bananas. Dean Ambrose for me has all the tools tae be a true wrestling icon if they give him the chance, and thats all because its written in is DNA. This is whit he was born for. Cutting beautiful eerie promos, and telling stories in the ring. Thats whit he's about. Piper wis cut fae the same cloth, so naturally these cunts bounce aff each other like the Laurel n Hardy of scary as fuck promos. Roddy gies us patter about bein Old School before it wis cool, then....Shield.
Ambrose is always in character man. I imagine he goes tae the shop for milk in aw The Shield gear, and before he goes fur a shite, he has tae climb doon aw the stairs in his house and jump over the baby gate at the bottom cause he eats, sleep n shites Shield. He asks who gied this auld man a live mic, and remarks how Piper wid probably have been battered stupit aff The Shield if they were around in his era, and Piper hits back with some patter about how he took the mic, and that this is Pipers fuckin Pit, no Ambrose Alley. I really hope that line wis off the cuff man, cause if it wis, its classic Piper. This wis jist so braw, yer praying Rollins and Reigns have thersells a coke, n a smile, n shut the fuck up.
Piper tells him the only person that can match him on the mic is yer man CM Punk. Deano disnae take this news very well, before inexplicably being interrupted mid rant by Seth Rollins. I love Seth Rollins as much as the next cunt, but in the name ah fuckin christ man, do not butt in when theres perfection unfolding in front ae yer eyes. He babbles some pish aboot Piper being jealous of how good a US Champ Ambrose is (aye he's fuckin brilliant considering he's no defended it since March 2004) before Piper thankfully takes over once more and gies it aw sorts ah chatter about how Rollins couldnae beat Punk. Ambrose couldnae either. So if big Roman Reigns could get the joab done in the nights main event, wid that make him better than them? and if so, is that a crack in the shield? Piper touches Reignsys coupon when he speaks tae him anaw, and that leads tae Reigns warning him tae never touch him again, afore the boayz tease a wee bitta triple powerbomb action only for them tae be rudely interrupted by.........LOOK IN MA EYEEEEEZ, WHAT DO YA SEEEEE!
Punk and Outlaws oan TeeeVeeeeeee.
Punk comes rushin out tae save the day, for some reason wae the Outlaws in tow, and they rattle The Shields jaws for the, afore the boayzies flee. I dunno why Punk was wae The Outlaws. Made nae sense whatsoever, but I will tell ye that they're 3 of my favourite cunts of aw times, so I wis more than ok wae it. Whit a beautiful wee segment, mind how I said I wis too tired tae ramble aboot it? Well that wis incorrect. The incorrectest hing i've ever written.
Berty Naebelts vs Sin HuniCara
I dunno whit it is about this wee rivalry, but wrasslin wise I'm really fuckin intae it. They work together a lot better than Del Rio and the original Sin Cara, but part of that might be cause they two cunts legit fuckin despised each other. Del Rio used tae send Sin Cara Christmas cards that were made enitrely of fag douts and dried sheeps blood, n Sin Cara once stuck his pinky finger up Del Rios wee bum n made uhm smell it. I dunno whit im even on aboot here, but this wis gid, and Beltless Bert emerged from a wee spell on the sidelines tae dodge the swanton, hit a wee sperkick and pin Sin Hunicara furra wee three count.
Then he got on the mic. Announcing himself as a candidate tae win the Royal Rumble match. Yer no runnin fur yer local councils seat in Parliament mate, sit fuckin doon. Love Berty in the ring, but fuck me, his mic work makes me mildly ill.
The Rhodezies vs The Real Americans
Brawer than a braw hing. Always is when these 4 collide. Goldy kicks hings aff wae some atomic droppin for both Real Americans. Zeb Colter has a sign that says "The best defence is a fence" which is fuckin genius, and then aye. Wrasslin. Double front suplex(I dunno whit ye caw it tbh, its a suplex, but they pap the recipient on his front insteada his back) fae the boayz. The match rolled on in typically braw fashion, then Goldy done that Hurricanrana which never ceases tae amaze me. 44 years of age ffs. Its like the cunt's aging backwards. Cody gets in and hits yon sunset flip in the corner, efter scuddin Cesaros jaw with a springboard missile dropkick, before he catches Swagger gettin cheeky on the apron and disaster kicks him square in the melt. Turns roon n gets leathered in the chops by a braw uppercut. Swagger bomb followed by yon double team move where Tony launches himself aff Swaggers shoulders n hits a double foot stomp, and all of a sudden yer Real Americans look set for another non-title win over The Brothers of Rhodes. Cody somehow sends baith Real Americans oot the ring, and crawls towards Goldy fur the tag, but big Tony flees back intae the ring oota naeplace and sends Goldy aff the apron wae a big boot tae the chops. Turns roon n gets back dropped tae fuck aff Cody, but Cody still has nae cunt tae tag so Cesaro gets up and knocks some braincells loose wae a big uppercut the the back of the heid. Swagger gets in and gets the Codester in an Anklelock fur aboot an hour, tae Gody intervenes, and after a brief stramash between aw the troops, Goldys hits the final cut oan Swagger for the win.
Whit a braw wee tag match, this is why I cannae fathom cunts who piss n moan about WWE aw the fuckin time these days, the wrestling product is consistently very good and the tag division has mibbe never been this strong. Certainly no fur a number of years so SHUT THE FUCK UP N ENJOY IT EH. Cheers.
DDP and Booker T back stage. I wanted some proper patter, or a spinaroonie, or mibbe even a self high five, but aw we really got wis patter pluggin DDP Yoga. Then Ron Simmons appears n does the "damn" thing. I'm aw for shoehorning legends intae Old School Raw, but no when the only real purpose of it is tae plug yer shit. Nut.
Damien Sandow vs Khali
Mad Ranjin Singh wis oot wae Khali, and it wis guest reffed by Sgt Slaughter (who fuckin somehow got more votes than Bob Bakclund on the app, whits the matter wae yees?) n it wis fuckin utter shite. Shite match, shite finish (Sandows fit wis on the ropes n Slaughter counted tae 3 anyway) and a fuckin pile of shite ending when Sandow correctly pulls Sgt Shiter up for his error, n gets cobra clutched anyway. Does a wee dance wae Khali efter it. Bleugh. I love a bitta Khalis theme, but no like this. Never like this.
Here's a segment that makes sense. Depending on how ye define Old School, cause they feuded in 2003-2004, but this wis yer Brock Lesnar oot for the second RAW in a row (I dunno if this means he's went full time or no, must be time served) n Heyman gies it some fairly amusing speil about how he and Brock define the term Old School, they define it as the company having one main man, and everycunt wantin a piece of that main cunt. Hogan, Austin, and aw they cunts. Lesnar wants tae be that man soon. Lesnars untouchable meht. Lesnars gonnae waste every single daft bastard that dare steps in front of him, and Mark Henrys had enough, so oot he comes again for another doing I suspect. He does indeed get a doing, and wee broken airm for his troubles. Fuckin shame man, I love Mark Henry mare than I love the majority of my ain cousins n that, so i shed a wee tear, until the thing that I wis gonnae talk aboot at the start of this paragraph before I wis rudely interrupted by my ain babble, yon 2003 feud, began again in earnest. Oot comes Big Show, who probably had his strongest main event run when he wis workin wae Brock aw those years ago, and considering this man wis in a nappy 2 weeks ago, he has a right good go at flingin big Brock aboot lit wet washin. Brock takes his flingin and leaves wae his knickers wringin. Aye no bad ataw. Brock Lesnar on RAW every week tryin tae fling, and sometimes gettin flung by big cunts is whits best for business.
The Smellas vs Alicia Foxx n Aksana
I'm no watchin this again troops, but I dae remember Aksana gettin the pin, and Brie Bella tryin tae whoop up the crowd n actually gettin a fuckin response. So fuck this crowd fuck the Smellas, and well done tae ma braw Aksana fur gettin another pin. I'm fairly certain she pinned somecunt else recently anaw. Well played hen. You keep oan wae the tight catsuits, and the pinnin folk, and I'll keep writin aboot how ye wore a tight catsuit, n pinned folk.
AHHHHHHHHH TOO COOL I CANNAE BELIEVE TOO COOL ARE ON RAW AW MAN (oh and they hud a match against 3MB)
Fuckin Too Cool. See when I wis wee, these were my mainest boayz. Even Brian Cristopher wis awrite, but big Rikishi n Scotty Too Hotty were the main men. The match is whit ye'd expect really, aw the daftness, and a wee blast of the worm fae ma man Scotty, before Rikishi gets in for the finish. Wee superkick type hing on Jinder gets a 2 count, before Grandmaster Sexay hits the hip hop drop oan somecunt, before Rikishi sits oan Jinders chest and gets the win fur the troops (thats no a typo btw, I did mean 'sits'...PG era n that)
It wisnae really about the match but wis it? it wis about the dance. The dance that me and two pals copied in Primary 6, and despite my fatness, the two lads didnae make me go Rikishi. Rare ye see such sensitivty in such young folk, but I went Rikishi anyway, cause it jist made sense, n when it comes tae professional wrestling, I prefer it if things make sense. If they dont make sense, they huv tae be really fuckin funny. This dance is baith. Good tae see yees guys, feel free tae come back every single week tae the end of time.
Aw the legends that have appeared on the show so far get reeled oot, and announced, like its a Hall of Fame induction or suhin. I hadnae the faintest clue whit was going on, and why it was going on ataw, until yer man Bad News Barrett emerged fae the floor n called for decorum. I fuckin love Bad Bews Barrett man. I'm no even entirely sure why, but I dae. His Bad News this week is that the legends were washed up, n naecunt would remember who they were after the show ends. Perhaps he'd have had a point if one of the most recognisable faces in wrestling history wisnae up there, and I'm no talkin aboot my man The Godfather, I mean the steaminest player in the game, Ric Flair. Ric tries tae take in wid Barret's sayin, but yer man has clearly sank another hauf bottle since his earlier appearance n looks ready fur his kip. God bless yer cotton socks.
Mean Gene comes oot the introduce The Outlaws, cause apparently they're gonnae be Punks hauners just incase any of the other Shield troops try n interfere wae Punks match against Reigns. Whilst Mean Gene does a decent job of lettin us know it is indeed yer Outlaws that are comin oot, the boays tend tae take care of introducin thersells perfectly well on their ain, so they thank Gene fur his efforts and get intae the usual routine, and if you're no down wae the usual routine, I've got two words fur the whole fuckin lot of ye. SOOK IT.
Road Dogg then sets aboot introducing CM Punk, and naecunt does it like the boldest Jessiest of aw the Jamesies. He says Punk will make yer straight hairs curly, n yer pubes straight, or words tae that effect, and its time fur that main event we've aw been gantin fur....
CM Punk vs Roman Reigns
Fuckin braw this wis. I dunno if there's ever been a more startling improvement in a wrestler than yer man Roman Reigns over the past year. Ambrose was the troubled genius, Rollins wis the ridiculously talented high flyer, and Reigns was the muscle. That wis it really. The largely silent muscle. He has since become one of the more versatile big cunts in the company, actually comes across well on the mic maist of the time (better than Rollins anyway, nae offence Seth meht, but I'm no feelin yer promo work ataw) and yer man is packin the greatest spear in aw of wrasslin. He starts this yin aff by flingin Punk aboot, leatherin his chest wae big forearms, burstin aw sortsa ribs. Punk takes a big elbow tae the solar plexus, before hitting back wae a Crossbody aff the middle rope. Braw storytelling here so it wis, Punk selling the sare ribs tae fuck, and Reigns leathering them with brutality at every turn. Punk tries tae rally but gets drapped like a sack ah spuds again wae the Samoan Drop. The big yin sets himself up in the corner, wae Punk down in the opposite yin, n winds up that big arm, for the Flying Forearm, but Punk isnae ready tae die yet. Ducks oot the road and connects wae a big kick to the back of the dome. Punk gets tae kickin, and axe handlin, and swingin neckbreakerin, and all of a sudden he's the cunt that looks maist likely tae pick up the win. Storytelling aw the way. This wisnae anything close tae the technical spectacle that Rollins and Punk produced the week before (although Punk thought it wis shite, I didnae) or it wisnae anything like the cerebral war that Punk had wae Ambrose previously, but it wis two talented wrestlers, committed tae tellin ye a wee story. Thats aw Punk needs for a great match, no a big square diddied haddy thats only interested n gettin aw his stupid widden moves in, a big cunt that wants tae put on a show.
Punk goes up top, but it takes him ages, cause as I mentioned earlier, he took a sare dunt in the ribs so he did. Still feelin it. Reigns catches him up top, and they exchange jabs, leading tae Punk nutting the big cunt n sendin him fleein. Punk sees his chance for some flyin elba action, and away he goes, dancing through the air like a floating ballerina, or fuckin suhin, I dunno, I can barely keep ma lids open at this point and probably wont remember any of whit I've wrote here, but thats life innit. We suffer for our art. The Outlaws suffered for their dedication tae hauners tae, as they sense Ambrose n Rollins getttin fresh on the outside and decide tae confront them, only tae get flung aboot n leathered aff ringposts.
Punk spots the ruckus and decides its suicide dive time, landing it plum on Rollins chin.
Punk dives back intae the ring, and looks for a crossbody aff the top rope, but Reigns catches him wae a fuckin screamer of a Superman Punch and thats surely it...lights fuckin oot. NUT! Punk manages tae haul a shoulder aff the matt at 2. Punk fails wae a cheeky rollup right efter that, then a big kick to the back of the dome also gies a near fall. Fuckin stoatin this wis. A belter of a match. Punk goes for the Bulldog, but Reigns blocks it and sends him flying intae Ambrose on the apron, and when Punk turned roon SPEAR! AW THE FUCKIN SPEARS. BAH GAWD KING! HE'S BROKEN IN HALF! ROMAN REIGNS HAS JUST BROKEN PUNK IN HALF! Reigns of course gets the pin, cause naecunt wae human parts is ever kicking out of that spear. I love Cena, but if he even tries it one day, i'll fuckin chin the cunt. Not allowed.
Then it happened. I'm no entirely sure why, but it just did. Dont question it too much, just let it seep intae yer fuckin pores eh. That music hit, and that man emerged. That man who most of us assumed deid in a ditch somewhere after he fell aff the map completely. A drug addled, washed up, troubled auld genius. Cause thats whit Jake wis in his heyday. A genius. Ahead of his time on the mic, and a storyteller in the ring. The fact that the DDT has become a run of the mill move over the years fuckin saddens me, cause it wis such a revolutionary move when he first started using it. Anyway, Jake The Snake is living proof that yer never finished. Even if yer at the stage where ye threatened promoters tae no show their indie show if ye dont have crack waitin for yer arrival, even if yer at the stage where DDP is chasin ye roon an airport n ye've nae shoes oan, even if it gets so bad that ye can barely lift yer airms above yer heid yer body is so ruined by drink n drugs, its never over. Jake The Snake fought back, and overcame his demons wae DDPs help, and he fought back tae the point where he got tae fuckin close Monday Night Raw. In 2014. Wonderful.
He's oot as a menacing decoy, wae the bold Damien in a bag slung err his shooder, he attracts the eyes of The Shield long enough tae distract them for The Outlaws and Punk to attack from behind, and after slingin Rollins n Reigns tae fuck oot, Punk hits Ambrose wae the GTS.
From then on it wis simple mathematics really. Widdye get when ye add a stricken professional wrestler (Dean Ambrose in this case) a wrestling legend (Jakey Shnakey) and a bag filled wae a snake? Ye get the single greatest markout moment in RAW history thats whit, and I'm no talkin about the fans aw round the world marking out (although by the sound of it there wisnae many in the actual arena marking out fur it, shite fuckin crowd) I'm talkin aboot Dean Ambrose himself marking out as the miast joyful wee smirk ye'll ever see comes over his face as Jake places Damien oan tap of him. A beautiful moment. Know whit it is anaw? even if he never appears in a WWE ring again, its closure for Jake, after aw the strife he's been through (mostly self inflicted) his last memories of wrestling widnae have been good ones, so this replaces aw that. Even if he disnae get his wish of getting a sneaky wee spot in the Rumble, that moment will live wae him forever. Thats how I wis gantin for Scott Hall tae return as Razor anaw, cause I think he needs that moment anaw. It might yet come for Scott Hall, but for now we'll make do with Jake. No a bad life when yer making do wae that is it?
Old School RAW wis the fuckin tits meht. I mean obviously we'd have aw loved tae see yer Austins, Foleys n Rocks, but for what it gave us, it ticked aw the boxes if ye ask me. Beautifully timed returns galore (Too Cool, Jake and The Outlaws ffs, I know the Outlaws were back for a bit last year, but they're still the fuckin Outlaws, and it wis still braw) The only legend I wisnae intae returning wis Slaughter, but that wis more down tae the angle he wis involved in I hink. If he wis tae get the auld Iranian flag oot n huv a flag war wae Zeb Colter or suhin, I'd have been intae that.
Overall it gets 8 DDTs oota 10. Gid wrasslin throughout, and some smashin moments, and for me Ambroses palpable excitement when he got his moment wae Piper n Jake The Snake just cofirmed what I've always felt about him. If given the chance, he could become a proper icon. Divas tag, and Sandow gettin pumped were the only low points if ye ask me. Oh yer no askin me? well fuck ye then, here's Jake The Snake.
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