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Sunday, February 2, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
ICW Square Go Preview
The square go eh? or "The Schemey Royal Rumble" as its less commonly known. A time for us to reflect on the year gone by, with some men throwing other men over some ropes, some iron man action, Jackie Polo and Andy Wild, and of course the abs of Fergal Devitt challenging Jack Jester fur the ICW Title. The Square Go itself allows 5 competitors to enter with a weapon (or an "MC Tommy" if ye prefer) and the winner gets an ICW Title shot at the time of their choosing, but ye already knew that eh? so lets fire in n preview the show.
Jackie Polo vs Andy Wild
Jackie thinks this match has been booked to derail his preparations for the big showdown wae Hearto at Still Smokin. I personally think its been booked in the interest of giving 700 folk a simultaneous stauner. In a lot of ways this is the match I'm looking forward tae the most, purely because its one I didnae really see ever happening. I reckon either a win for Polo, or Wild will get the win off the back of some Lionheart hi-jinks.
Joe Coffey vs James Scott (30 Minute Iron Man Match)
This'll be fuckin artwork. Nae two ways about it. I've no got much more to say about it other than that. The only way to end this wee feud, seemingly built on mutual respect, was tae have the two of them knock the shite outta each other for a solid half hour. Aw the grapplin, arm/leg lockin, and suplexing ye can handle. I reckon Coffey takes the Iron Man title, and goes on tae have a long run in the Square Go tae.
Jack Jester vs Fergal Devitt (ICW Title Match)
Fergal Devitt is arguably the best wrestler in the world right now. The fact that he's spoken so highly of ICW says a lot about where the company's at. Tae be right on the cusp of being the main man in NJPW is no mean feat, so to have him on one of yer flagship shows is a guaranteed sell out. Could probably have sold the Garage out twice in all honesty. I cannae see Devitt taking the belt here though, unless he's booked up for future events, so this will be the ultimate win for Jester tae solidify his reign as champ. Should be a braw bit of storytelling regardless.
The Square Go
Any preview of a match like this is guesswork eh? so many things tae be guessin but, so I might aswell have a go. The 4th NAK member will be revealed at some point in the night, I assume during the square go itself, so that'll be an interesting one. Surely with 4 folk all pulling for the same goal, depending on when they aw enter, we'll see an NAK member winning it? Will we see The Coffey Brothers join forces anaw? Or even The Gold Label after a few months of them teasing re-forming as faces? Fuck knows. All I know is that 5 men are allowed tae enter with weapons, so I expect tae see a sheet of plywood lined wae broken bits of bucky bottle and mibbe a jakeys tooth, being launched at somecunts napper. My prediction for the 4th NAK member is Lambrini or Stevie from The Buckys Clan, or one of The Owens Twins. My prediction for the Square Go if I had tae pick one, has tae be Joe Coffey.
Jackie Polo vs Andy Wild
Jackie thinks this match has been booked to derail his preparations for the big showdown wae Hearto at Still Smokin. I personally think its been booked in the interest of giving 700 folk a simultaneous stauner. In a lot of ways this is the match I'm looking forward tae the most, purely because its one I didnae really see ever happening. I reckon either a win for Polo, or Wild will get the win off the back of some Lionheart hi-jinks.
Joe Coffey vs James Scott (30 Minute Iron Man Match)
This'll be fuckin artwork. Nae two ways about it. I've no got much more to say about it other than that. The only way to end this wee feud, seemingly built on mutual respect, was tae have the two of them knock the shite outta each other for a solid half hour. Aw the grapplin, arm/leg lockin, and suplexing ye can handle. I reckon Coffey takes the Iron Man title, and goes on tae have a long run in the Square Go tae.
Jack Jester vs Fergal Devitt (ICW Title Match)
Fergal Devitt is arguably the best wrestler in the world right now. The fact that he's spoken so highly of ICW says a lot about where the company's at. Tae be right on the cusp of being the main man in NJPW is no mean feat, so to have him on one of yer flagship shows is a guaranteed sell out. Could probably have sold the Garage out twice in all honesty. I cannae see Devitt taking the belt here though, unless he's booked up for future events, so this will be the ultimate win for Jester tae solidify his reign as champ. Should be a braw bit of storytelling regardless.
The Square Go
Any preview of a match like this is guesswork eh? so many things tae be guessin but, so I might aswell have a go. The 4th NAK member will be revealed at some point in the night, I assume during the square go itself, so that'll be an interesting one. Surely with 4 folk all pulling for the same goal, depending on when they aw enter, we'll see an NAK member winning it? Will we see The Coffey Brothers join forces anaw? Or even The Gold Label after a few months of them teasing re-forming as faces? Fuck knows. All I know is that 5 men are allowed tae enter with weapons, so I expect tae see a sheet of plywood lined wae broken bits of bucky bottle and mibbe a jakeys tooth, being launched at somecunts napper. My prediction for the 4th NAK member is Lambrini or Stevie from The Buckys Clan, or one of The Owens Twins. My prediction for the Square Go if I had tae pick one, has tae be Joe Coffey.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Davie Curren Gives It To Em RAW
Hey guys, Davie Curren here. You might know me better for my yoga DVDs, but I also occasionally have thoughts about wrestling. So I wrote a redundant review of a wrestling show I only seen a third of, almost a week later, that Marty has already reviewed. Cause I'll tell ye, Davie Curren doesnae dae things by haufs, he does them by thirds, sometimes even sixths.
As far as I recall, the show opened wae Triple H and his bird yappin away aboot such n such. Ehn Stephanie goes tae introduce Randall an his music INTERRUPTS HIS OWN INTRODUCTION. 3 advert breaks later he arrives at the ring and is his usual huffy wee self. He's just a prick man, nae chance this is aw acting. Bet ye when every cunts sittin together in the WWE canteen, heels n faces bein pally, he sits wae triple h greetin aboot how he has tae eat the same grub as evdy else. Anyway, Steph seamlessly mentions the wwe network in a delicate, subtle manner, gently reminding us that it is the first streaming service of its kind and is one of the biggest things to ever happen in this business. So the teams bletherin away tae each other about all the great deals available in the WWE store when WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA.
Wee bit a context here: I wisnae intae wrestling the whole time Batista wis in it, so everything that is about to happen is new tae me, and will thus be reviewed with a completely open, unbiased mind.
EEEEEAAAAAAGGGCHHHHHHH. I WALK FOR MILES INSIDE THIS PIT OF DANGER! THIS MASSIVE CUNT HAS THE BEST SONG. COULD THIS GET ANY BET- OH MY GOD HES KIDDIN OAN HIS HAUNS ARE MACHINE GUNS AND THERES FIREWORKS GOIN OFF. THIS CUNT IS MA FAVOURITE.
I see a lot of criticism comin his way cause of his skinny jeans, but I've no really got a leg tae stand on there, I cannae really have any digs at the cunt. I can have a dig fur the snooze fest word exchange that came after THE GREATEST ENTRANCE EVER. I fast forwarded through it.
Xavier Woods vs. Fandango
My V+ box is actin up cause it fast forwarded through this by itself or suhin. Barely had time to hear k-kwik spout catchphrases on commentary, cunt has barely sat doon! Fandango won, or suhin. Who cares.
Next, we had a segment, and instead of describing it I'm going to quote from the excruciating conversation I had when my dad asked whit wis happening.
'Whit is happenin?'
'That guys comin doon tae apologise tae him for attacking him'
'Who attacked who'
'Thats Kane, he attacked the other boay, Punk'
'Undertaker's brer? Where's his mask?'
'Well he's meant tae work for the actual company now so he wears a suit n that and he attacked punk a few days ago and he shouldnae huv because he's a director of the company or suhin and shouldn't be hurting the talent'
Then my da vowed never tae wth wrestling again. So he missed ma main man Punk attacking Kane McMahon and Kane announcing that since he can't fight him, he'll need to fight one of THESE GUYS.
CM Punk vs. Road Dogg OR Billy Gunn
This wee New Age Outlaws resurgence is like when JD finally got Elliot and realised he didnae want her. This is the culmination of all my hopes and dreams and it's just awrite. Wae a bit a luck this all builds up to some kinna JBL beef, maybe Road Dogg steals his commentary spot? Cause let me tell ye, the boay is fantastic at the commentating. Funny, concise, no an auld pervert. If this aw culminates in Billy Gunn receiving a clothesline from hell, it's aw been worth it. The poor boay wid split intae two, and the bottom half (wae the crackin erse) could go on to fill in for Dolph Ziggler during his monthly concussion. Anyway, road Dogg and Billy play Rock Paper Scissors and billy goes in tae fight. Which is gid cause he had his ring gear oan, and Road Dogg only had on a pair of baggy joggy bottoms. Events transpired and I cannae mind the finish, somedy won but.
Also, The Shield fought the Rhodesters and Big E, it wis braw as per. After it, The Shield boays were up in the crowd, giein it aw the yass patter, and ye hear Seth Rollins shout suhin like 'YEAH, WE ARE THE BEST' or suhin like that, in his whiny wee voice. Yer a great GREAT wrestler n that mate, but don't you go anywhere near a microphone ever. The voice, and also the corny weirdo shit he says, lit some Walt Jr shit.
Then my maw shouted me for my dinner, and when I came back intae the living room my da wis watching You've Been Framed. And that's that eh. Tune in next week when I'll be reviewing entrants 12-22 in the royal rumble.
And I swear to god Martin if you edit any a this I'm takin my review elsewhere. I ken I didn't actually review any wrestling but if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, will not compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it.
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Wednesday, January 22, 2014
WWE RAW Review 20/01/2014
Who gives a fuck?
That's the question I found myself asking on a hauf hourly basis throughout this RAW. It wis as if my brain was evaluating what it had just seen and coming to the conclusion that it simply wisnae possible for anycunt to have given anything resembling a fuck about any of it. With the exception of Daniel Bryan, it was a futile pile of baws. I know yer traditional reviews tend tae sum up whit ye thought of the thing yer reviewing at the end, but the mould is being broken here. Heidered between the eyes and shattered intae a million tiny pieces. I might not even bother my arse reviewing the show itself, just gonnae keep on wae this paragraph telling ye how disengaging I found it. Might throw in a wee anecdote about the time I went tae a wrestling show when I wis wee that had "Hawk from the Legion Of Doom" advertised on the poster only for some fat cunt in an all red singlet and botched mohawk tae come out and wrestle the worst match I've ever seen against a blue power ranger. Or I'll shut ma fuckin mooth and review the wrasslin eh? aye fuck it, lets....
Triple H and Stephanie kick off the show by saying words. They're married and they also run the company now, so that means he's probably inappropriately patting female wrestlers oan the bottom, and buyin them really sensual bath salts n that, while his wife runs for office. Mibbe thats why Kaitlyn really left, cause he kept creepin up behind her in the locker room askin when she's gonnae play "the game". Orton comes oot, and Stephanie shouts at him aboot battering Cenas da. Some pish about how that nonsense isnae gonnae fly, and he might get fired if he disnae smarten up his act. Orton barks some shite about how the re-match is shite. Shouldnae be happenin. He'd batter Cena's da a million times if he had to. Triple H intervenes and shows Orton highlights fae the 1997 Scottish Cup Final and Orton asks why that's relevant, only for Triple H to deliver the most poignant, honest line in professional wrestling history. He drops the mic. Summons a camera to zoom right intae his face and mouths the words...
"Why is any of this relevant?"
Its a really good question eh? Why are we seeing Randy Orton, Hunter Hearst McMahon Levesque and Stephanie McMahon cutting a promo together in a ring that belongs tae Daniel Bryan? why is aw this happening tae set up the return of an irrelevant naecunt like Davie Bawheidsta when none of them matter? This is a meaningless subplot in one of the richest stories WWE have told in years with Daniel Bryans rise to the top. Nothing more than filler. In this weeks RAW for the first time in a long time the Undisputed WWE Champion opened and closed the show and it wis a pile of fuckin SHITE. Then he returned....
DMMMM DMMMMM AH WALK AH MILE INSIDE THIS PIT OF DANGER.....DMMMMM DMMMM A PLACE WHERE NO ONE BOTHERS ME..I WALK ALOOOOOOONE!!!!!
Nae idea if thats the right lyrics. Couldnae gie a fuck either, cause fuck Batista. Fuck Batista until the pulsating veins in his stupid fuckin foreheid burst and blood runs intae his beady eyes n blinds him (i think im joking there....really hope I am anyway, people being blinded is no laughing matter) fuck him and his fuckin botchy spear, and his gammy fuckin Spinebuster, and his stupid sitout powerbomb that I'm supposed tae buy intae being a high impact move. Fuck him and his inability tae say anything anyone's ever gave a resemblance of a fuck about. Fuck the fact that he came oot wearing an unzipped trackie tap wae nae t-shirt or even a string vest underneath it, and fuck the fact that his jeans were so tight, I could measure the circumference of his baws jist by fuckin glancing at them. Fuck everything about this jumped up naecunt, who only ever got a push cause Mark Jindrak wis too shite tae be in Evolution, so they looked aboot the locker room for the biggest cunt they could find and there he wis. Wae his stupid spiky hairdo, and his pubey wee tuft ae a beard. THE ANIMAL...DAVE BAWHEIDSTA.
So aye...I don't really like Batista.
He milks the lukewarm reaction he got from the crowd for whit seemed like a fucking hour. He got on the mic and it wis fuckin awful. Chats about he's back tae win the Royal Rumble, and how he's gonnae be the champion and he signs aff by saying "DEAL WITH IT" and dropping the mic. How aboot you deal wae puttin a fuckin t-shirt oan eh Bawtista mate? fair enough, yer in no bad shape for a cunt in his Mid 40s, but yer tits are still wrinkly and yer tatoos are still feminine as fuck. I swear tae fuck, his tattoos are like a collage of every lower back tattoo ever seen on any pornstar. I tuned intae this show hating Batista as it wis, and then he reeled oot this "yer successful da cancellin his golfing trip tae The Bahamas tae show up at yer parents night" routine and I wanted tae stick one of the 500 identical pairs of this horrendous baw huggin jeans he's probably got, up his fuckin arse.
Anyway.....WRESTLING SHOW...
The Shield vs The Rhodezies and Big E
This was braw btw, but see for me tae buy intae its brawness..it had to win me over. I started aff sceptical despite loving aw 6 of these cunts, and that's a case of fatigue when it comes tae these matches. Aw the same cunts in a shuffle, 6 man tags, 8 man tags, sometimes as many as 12 man tags. It's time tae pump the breaks a wee bit I reckon, and get some of these cunts in some rich, storytelling ridden singles feuds. Some slaps tae the melt fae Ambrose tae Big E, are countered with a big shoulderblock that nearly took Deano oot his boots. Goldy hits Seth Rollins wae some Atomic Droppin and knee liftin. Cody and Rollins exchange some brawness, as Seth ducks oota a Disaster Kick attempt, before Cody launches intae a crossbody to the outside. Cody catches Reigns wae a disaster kick no long after. Big E and Ambrose get tagged in and aw sorts of beauty ensued. First the Big Yin knocks Ambrose down n goes for the big splash, only tae find Reigns blockin his path, so catches a lariat over the ropes. Goldy then jumps aff the apron and catches Rollins in the jaw wae a senton, before Big E finally gets the chance tae hit that big splash after a beezer of a belly to belly throw. Then one of the more aesthetically pleasing spots in recent memory happened, when Reigns broke up Big Es pin attempt, only tae see a second disaster kick headed for his jaw, that he instinctively countered wae an earth shattering, life altering superman punch. I've just ran the replay back at least 10 times and marvelled at its beauty. Two weeks in a row big Reignsy has been the highlight reel. The whole hing. He follows that up wae a kidney bursting spear on Goldy, only fur Big E tae flatten him with a standing high impact diddy hit, and amidst the mild chaos, Rollins gets in and hits yon finisher of his, that I cannae mind the name of so I'm gonnae quietly google it...in the meantime here's Sheamus tellin ye he's kiddin on..
The Black Out. He calls it the Black Out, which seems a bit racially insensitive now considering he just knocked Big E Langston out with it, but there ye go. That wis that. Braw wee match. No more 6 man tags but. Please.
Daniel Bryan is out tae give us story time. DBry probably wisnae good enough on the mic a year ago tae be the main man in the company. He wisnae terrible, but unless it wis comedy stuff, he wis never captivating on the mic, but that's all changed now. He's a fuckin bonafide storyteller, and this wee promo about him being the buzzard, and that buzzard chewing on the carcass of Bray Wyatt wis lovely stuff. DBrys been told Harper and Rowan are in the Royal Rumble, so that means DBry will be left tae go one on one wae Bray. Don't gies yer shite but guys, if Daniel Bryan isnae in that fuckin Rumble, yees are aff yer nuts. Bray appears on the titantron and all of a sudden this goes fae a rousing wee bitta solo mic work tae a fuckin party. Bray urges Daniel Bryan tae go home and tell his maw he loves her, cause Bray is gonnae be seeking retribution for DBrys treason. Everything the happens to DBry from now on is his aint fault. Bray signs off wae a Maniacal Laugh, and we move on tae the next thing. The next utterly pointless thing..
Fandango vs Xavier Woods
I truly have nae idea why they bumped Xavier Woods up tae the main roster. Aw he's done so far is facilitate Tons of Funk reverting back tae being jist a coupla fat guys (only kiddin Albert..ye know I love ye mate) and he's had the occasional decent match. This is the second time he's been squashed for seemingly nae reason anaw, this time Fandango lands the top rope leg drop after less than 2 minutes and thats aw she wrote. Whits the fuckin point really? R-Truth had barely parked his arse at the commentary desk n been met wae some of the worst da patter oot by JBL, only tae be right back up again checkin tae see if his pal wis still alive.
Brad Maddox receives some jip fae Kane and sweats wae such density, he becomes a prune. Kane flicks his brand new prune intae the air, catches it in his mouth, and Stephanie McMahon tells him tae stop lollygaggin n apologise tae CM Punk. Kane is reticent at first, but then he remembers that he's recently been castrated and he does what hes told.
Oot comes Kane. Oot comes Punk. Kane apologises once. Punk gets super mega cheeky (cause hes a super mega cheeky chap) and says he didnae hear him. Kane repeats the feat, this time in a beautiful falsetto. The crowd chants ONE MORE TIME, and Punk says thats unnecessary cause he's gonnae batter Kane instead. Braddox has tae cut short a danger wank in Stephanie McMahons wardrobe tae jump oot n tell everyone tae cool it. If Punk wants a fight, he'll get it, but it won't be against Kane. It'll be against an Ass-Man.
A who?
An Ass-Man I say, he's a man of ass....
Oh!
Billy Gunn vs CM Punk
Road Dogg being on commentary wis probably the best thing about this. That's no saying it wis a bad match either btw, but I'm sorry if this makes me sound like a cynical cunt. I really uhm, its no my intention, but why in the name of fuck are The New Age Outlaws relevant again in 2014? It pains me tae say this about my all time favourite tag team, but whit the fuck is CM Punk daein wrestling a 50 year old Billy Gunn on RAW? this is aw groundwork being laid for him and Triple H serving up a probable shiter at Mania, so in my estimation that makes it a total waste of Punks valuable time. The boayzies make their way towards the announce desk where Punk and The Road Dogg get intae some verbals, only for the Ass Man (he's an Ass Man btw) tae club Punk from behind. Road Dogg sits back down and explains that the only reason he stood up was because he had a cramp in his leg. I never doubted ye for a second Roadie ma man. Billy dodges a GTS attempt, and catches Punk square on the jaw wae a dropkick. Then Punk continues in the vein of cheekiness from his Kane patter earlier, when he sends Billy Gunn oot the ring, lookin like its suicide dive time, only for Punk tae dive oot the other side instead and leather the Road Dogg. Back in the ring, Punk has his flying elbow attempt thwarted by a decidedly unruly Road Dogg, who pulls his pal oot the road. Punk brings decides the only way tae teach that Dogg a lesson is by by rubbin its nose in its ain pish, and in this case thats a metaphor for the suicide dive Punk hit him wae. Punk dodges the Fameasser when they get back intae the ring and hits a GTS. Any move that lands on Billy Gunns jaw is likely tae get the job done considering he's spent most of his audlt life chewin tobacco and selling the shite oota the Clothesline From Hell. Punk gets the pin. That's that.
Maddox comes oot tae deliver some BAAAAAD NEWSSSSSS. Only tae be interrupted by WWEs bad news delivering chief.....eh....Kane. I realise him and Kane are at loggerheids the noo, but this wis a Bad News Barrett segment aw the way. I'm gonnae pretend it wis him anyway, cause its my review and I'll dae whit I want. So aye. Big Barrett comes out and tells Punk he's the Number One entrant in the Rumble, and if he's tae win it, he'll have to last the full match, cause he's the Number One entrant so he is. Nae tea break, nae roll n pie, no even a quick inner thigh massage aff AJ. None of that. Eliminate cunts, don't get eliminated yersell. Sorted.
Berty DelNaeBelts vs Rey Mysterio
I'm really intae this wee feud. Wrestling wise anyway, its comfortably the most intae Reys work I've been since he came back, and Del Rio always hauds my interest as a wrestler. It his horrendous mic work that bothers me, and the fact that after another excellent match which was brought tae an end by the cross armbreaker from ADR, we had tae deal wae this cunt again.....
This cunts finisher is a sitout powerbomb right. Thats whit the Batista Bomb is, and his jeans were so ridiculously tight that he couldnae even dae it. Had tae go with a normal powerbomb cause its fuckin IMPOSSIBLE TAE BEND YER LEGS WHEN YE SUFFOCATE THEM WAE DENIM. But aye......he spine bustered n powerbombed Del Rio, and nae cunt will ever give anything looking, tasting or smelling like a fuck when it comes tae an Alberto Del Rio vs Batista feud.
Big Show comes oot and does a really shite Paul Heyman impression. Well I seen mixed reviews for it across various social media outlets. Safe to say the people of MySpace went WILD fur it, cause the people of MySpace are a figment out our collective imaginations. I fuckin hated it tbh, and wis glad when the real Paul Heyman came oot and made it stop. The whole thing is designed for Brock Lesnar tae appear on RAW again, and not say any words, which is fine by me. Anything that isnae flinging cunts aboot and daein a weird high pitched scream, isnae somethin Brock Lesnar needs tae be daein. He kids on he's comin down for a fight, but he's pullin wur pissers! no the nights guys n gals, if ye wantae see a Giant Baby fight a man with a cinder block for a head, yer gonnae have tae see it in yer dreams. Haud on a minute but! Show finally gets Lesnar doon for a fight by coming at his faimly of all things!
"Here Brock...away hame n tell yer wife The Sable Bomb isnae even sare!" he bellows and Brock gets that wide eyed look aboot him.
"The Sable Bomb is so sare!" he whispers intae Heymans ear as Heymans lovingly strokes his back and goes "I know Brock...I know" and doon comes Brock for a scrap! a brief stramash ends with Brock being dumped over the ropes, and the big yin isnae happy in the slightest with this turn of events. So he...eh.....pulls the monitors oot fae the announce table. He then ignores Heymans pleas of "He's had enough! the desk has had enough" and leathers it wae a chair for a bit, before trying to sneak in and batter Show wae the chair after Heyman distracted him, only for Show tae block that attempt anaw. This aw seems a wee bit pointless tae ye? me tae, so imagine my surprise when General Manager of RAW Mick Foley came out and announced that the Lesnar vs Show match at the Rumble would now be a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH between Lesnar, Show and the recently assaulted Announce Table.
No really btw...Foley husnae been GM for years and 9 times out of 10, tables tend tae be shite wrestlers. Cannae believe ye actually bought that man. Whit a team of suckers. Lesnar v Show should be braw right enough. I'm just no a huge fan of the buildup cause Shows face these days makes me feel sad on the inside.
A real Bad News Barrett segment! this time its backstage and the bad news he has is fur wee AJ. Barrett tells her the reason naecunt came tae her "Longest Reigning Divas Champion Ever!" party is that naecunt likes her, cause she smells like Pears, and thats the least delightful fruit tae be smellin like. She reacts tae this news by slingin her cake at Tamina, and then she slowly eats it aff her face...I mean whit? Tamina looked angry...thats whit I meant.
AJ and Tamina vs The Funkadactyls
Too short again. Much like Woods vs Fandango, this could easily have been gid if it was given any time, but we seem tae be determined tae dedicate at least half an hour of every show tae recaps, redundant build up shite and Bawtista. Naomi pinned AJ. AJ gret. Jerry Lawler sat at ringside muttering "if only she was 10 years younger" under his breath. End of story.
YASSSSS Somethin I gie a fuck aboot for the first time since the DBry and Bray stopped talking. WHEN THEY SAY UCE...YOU BITCHES BETTER SAY OH! OR SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL THUMP YOU.
The Usos vs Harper and Rowan
As glad I was tae see this happening after about an hour and half of nothingness, its bad news when a match ye've seen about 50 times in the past 3 months gets yer boaby staunin to attention. A damning verdict on how much of a snoozer this RAW had been. Listen but, the troops gave us an entertaining wee match, we had us some flyin Usos. We had Rowan flingin cunts aboot as usual. We had Jimmy or Jey delivering some earth diddy dismantling chops tae Harper, and a cheeky wee superkick aimed at his belly tae follow. Jey or Jimmy then delivers some hella hard shots tae Harpers jaw. These are meaner Usos that we've become accustomed too, and I'm intae it. Harper starts tae return the favour, and all of a sudden the match started tae resemble the outside of a Wetherspoons after the hard drinking madness that's commonly known as "Fish Friday" Cunts were beltin each other, then Harper took JimmyorJeys jaw clean aff wae a big boot. Rowan and an Uso exchange forearms, before the Uso in question gets sent flying intae the barricade aff the top rope. Before we were treated for a wee mid match delight. Bray stauns up fae his rocking chair, finishes eating the plate of bears eyeballs he wis snackin on, n informs the crowd that the battering The Usos were receiving is a similar battering tae the one DBry was in for at the Rumble.
We're informed by Micheal Cole that the current Uso flying about is Jey, and he takes Rowan aff the apron with a stoatin superkick, before the other yin his Rowan wae some flyin Uso action. Jey tries the same thing on Harper but gets caught square on the jaw wae some ultra sareness in the form of a clenched fist. Harper looks tae be closing in on the win when he nails a Michinoku Driver but Johnny kicks oot at 2. Causing Bray to stand up n go "ehhh....whit?" and amid all the confusion Daniel Bryan runs oot and KICKS FUCK OOTAE SOME CUNTS.
POW tae the back of Brays heid. SCUD tae Rowans jaw. Back tae Bray slingin MAD RIGHTS at his temple and whilst aw the madness was happening, and Uso rolls up Harper for the win. USOS ON A ROLL BABY. I'M CAPITALISING THINGS CAUSE I'M EXCITED...SUE ME.
Randy Orton vs Kofi Kingston
This is why RAW was flat. This right here. For me the beginning and the end are the two most vital segments in making a wrestling show a success, and for this weeks RAW, ye could brainwash me fur fuckin years wae Pro Orton and Pro Batista propaganda, tae the point that the only sentences I'm capable of stringing together are "I hear voices in my head" and "I walk alone" and I STILL widnae have gied a fuck about either segment. Pile of uninspiring baws. As much as I enjoyed Kofi beating the nae eyed cunt last week, I had nae interest in seeing this shit again, unless the belts were on the line, n Kofi wis gonnae be taking them aff the cunt, so he could drop them tae Daniel Bryan, or mibbe even Antonio Cesaro at the Rumble, but we had nae belts on the line, so therefore I gied nae fucks. Not a single one. The match wis fine like. Orton done some suplexin, Kofi performed some high fliyin n backsliding, and Orton continually asked where John Cena wis. WHERE ART THOU CENA! was the cry. Kofi blocks yon middle rope DDT wae the SOS, and it looks like he's heading for another clean win but Blandy kicks oot. Much respect tae my man Mike Chioda throughout this match btw. Keeps Ortons hair pullin tae a minimum, and makes sure his chinlocks lasted no more than 25 minutes at a time.
CENA'S HERE GUYS! DONT DESPAIR, THIS PISH WONT GO ON MUCH LONGER.
Kofi clung on tae Ortons leg, like you used tae cling on tae yer maws leg when she meets her pal up the toon, and her pal caws ye a wee cheeky face. Kofi isnae being a shy kinda guy but, hes haudin his leg tae give Cena enough time tae reach the ring. THEY'RE IN CAHOOTS! oh man, never have i been more excited for a ....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
So fuck. Cena chases him through the crowd and has an AA attempt blocked. So fuck. Orton runs away. So fuck. Orton runs clean oot the building, and Cena wanders aboot asking folk if they're awrite. So fuck. Orton jumps in a motor and escapes. So fuck. Cena makes his way back through the building lookin dejected. So fuck.
So fuck.
RAW wis average. Awful opening and closing segments, with a braw 6 man tag match, and some excellent work between Daniel Bryan, aw the Wyatts and The Usos.
5.5 Superman Punches oota 10. That'll dae ye. x
That's the question I found myself asking on a hauf hourly basis throughout this RAW. It wis as if my brain was evaluating what it had just seen and coming to the conclusion that it simply wisnae possible for anycunt to have given anything resembling a fuck about any of it. With the exception of Daniel Bryan, it was a futile pile of baws. I know yer traditional reviews tend tae sum up whit ye thought of the thing yer reviewing at the end, but the mould is being broken here. Heidered between the eyes and shattered intae a million tiny pieces. I might not even bother my arse reviewing the show itself, just gonnae keep on wae this paragraph telling ye how disengaging I found it. Might throw in a wee anecdote about the time I went tae a wrestling show when I wis wee that had "Hawk from the Legion Of Doom" advertised on the poster only for some fat cunt in an all red singlet and botched mohawk tae come out and wrestle the worst match I've ever seen against a blue power ranger. Or I'll shut ma fuckin mooth and review the wrasslin eh? aye fuck it, lets....
Triple H and Stephanie kick off the show by saying words. They're married and they also run the company now, so that means he's probably inappropriately patting female wrestlers oan the bottom, and buyin them really sensual bath salts n that, while his wife runs for office. Mibbe thats why Kaitlyn really left, cause he kept creepin up behind her in the locker room askin when she's gonnae play "the game". Orton comes oot, and Stephanie shouts at him aboot battering Cenas da. Some pish about how that nonsense isnae gonnae fly, and he might get fired if he disnae smarten up his act. Orton barks some shite about how the re-match is shite. Shouldnae be happenin. He'd batter Cena's da a million times if he had to. Triple H intervenes and shows Orton highlights fae the 1997 Scottish Cup Final and Orton asks why that's relevant, only for Triple H to deliver the most poignant, honest line in professional wrestling history. He drops the mic. Summons a camera to zoom right intae his face and mouths the words...
"Why is any of this relevant?"
Its a really good question eh? Why are we seeing Randy Orton, Hunter Hearst McMahon Levesque and Stephanie McMahon cutting a promo together in a ring that belongs tae Daniel Bryan? why is aw this happening tae set up the return of an irrelevant naecunt like Davie Bawheidsta when none of them matter? This is a meaningless subplot in one of the richest stories WWE have told in years with Daniel Bryans rise to the top. Nothing more than filler. In this weeks RAW for the first time in a long time the Undisputed WWE Champion opened and closed the show and it wis a pile of fuckin SHITE. Then he returned....
DMMMM DMMMMM AH WALK AH MILE INSIDE THIS PIT OF DANGER.....DMMMMM DMMMM A PLACE WHERE NO ONE BOTHERS ME..I WALK ALOOOOOOONE!!!!!
Nae idea if thats the right lyrics. Couldnae gie a fuck either, cause fuck Batista. Fuck Batista until the pulsating veins in his stupid fuckin foreheid burst and blood runs intae his beady eyes n blinds him (i think im joking there....really hope I am anyway, people being blinded is no laughing matter) fuck him and his fuckin botchy spear, and his gammy fuckin Spinebuster, and his stupid sitout powerbomb that I'm supposed tae buy intae being a high impact move. Fuck him and his inability tae say anything anyone's ever gave a resemblance of a fuck about. Fuck the fact that he came oot wearing an unzipped trackie tap wae nae t-shirt or even a string vest underneath it, and fuck the fact that his jeans were so tight, I could measure the circumference of his baws jist by fuckin glancing at them. Fuck everything about this jumped up naecunt, who only ever got a push cause Mark Jindrak wis too shite tae be in Evolution, so they looked aboot the locker room for the biggest cunt they could find and there he wis. Wae his stupid spiky hairdo, and his pubey wee tuft ae a beard. THE ANIMAL...DAVE BAWHEIDSTA.
So aye...I don't really like Batista.
He milks the lukewarm reaction he got from the crowd for whit seemed like a fucking hour. He got on the mic and it wis fuckin awful. Chats about he's back tae win the Royal Rumble, and how he's gonnae be the champion and he signs aff by saying "DEAL WITH IT" and dropping the mic. How aboot you deal wae puttin a fuckin t-shirt oan eh Bawtista mate? fair enough, yer in no bad shape for a cunt in his Mid 40s, but yer tits are still wrinkly and yer tatoos are still feminine as fuck. I swear tae fuck, his tattoos are like a collage of every lower back tattoo ever seen on any pornstar. I tuned intae this show hating Batista as it wis, and then he reeled oot this "yer successful da cancellin his golfing trip tae The Bahamas tae show up at yer parents night" routine and I wanted tae stick one of the 500 identical pairs of this horrendous baw huggin jeans he's probably got, up his fuckin arse.
Anyway.....WRESTLING SHOW...
The Shield vs The Rhodezies and Big E
This was braw btw, but see for me tae buy intae its brawness..it had to win me over. I started aff sceptical despite loving aw 6 of these cunts, and that's a case of fatigue when it comes tae these matches. Aw the same cunts in a shuffle, 6 man tags, 8 man tags, sometimes as many as 12 man tags. It's time tae pump the breaks a wee bit I reckon, and get some of these cunts in some rich, storytelling ridden singles feuds. Some slaps tae the melt fae Ambrose tae Big E, are countered with a big shoulderblock that nearly took Deano oot his boots. Goldy hits Seth Rollins wae some Atomic Droppin and knee liftin. Cody and Rollins exchange some brawness, as Seth ducks oota a Disaster Kick attempt, before Cody launches intae a crossbody to the outside. Cody catches Reigns wae a disaster kick no long after. Big E and Ambrose get tagged in and aw sorts of beauty ensued. First the Big Yin knocks Ambrose down n goes for the big splash, only tae find Reigns blockin his path, so catches a lariat over the ropes. Goldy then jumps aff the apron and catches Rollins in the jaw wae a senton, before Big E finally gets the chance tae hit that big splash after a beezer of a belly to belly throw. Then one of the more aesthetically pleasing spots in recent memory happened, when Reigns broke up Big Es pin attempt, only tae see a second disaster kick headed for his jaw, that he instinctively countered wae an earth shattering, life altering superman punch. I've just ran the replay back at least 10 times and marvelled at its beauty. Two weeks in a row big Reignsy has been the highlight reel. The whole hing. He follows that up wae a kidney bursting spear on Goldy, only fur Big E tae flatten him with a standing high impact diddy hit, and amidst the mild chaos, Rollins gets in and hits yon finisher of his, that I cannae mind the name of so I'm gonnae quietly google it...in the meantime here's Sheamus tellin ye he's kiddin on..
Daniel Bryan is out tae give us story time. DBry probably wisnae good enough on the mic a year ago tae be the main man in the company. He wisnae terrible, but unless it wis comedy stuff, he wis never captivating on the mic, but that's all changed now. He's a fuckin bonafide storyteller, and this wee promo about him being the buzzard, and that buzzard chewing on the carcass of Bray Wyatt wis lovely stuff. DBrys been told Harper and Rowan are in the Royal Rumble, so that means DBry will be left tae go one on one wae Bray. Don't gies yer shite but guys, if Daniel Bryan isnae in that fuckin Rumble, yees are aff yer nuts. Bray appears on the titantron and all of a sudden this goes fae a rousing wee bitta solo mic work tae a fuckin party. Bray urges Daniel Bryan tae go home and tell his maw he loves her, cause Bray is gonnae be seeking retribution for DBrys treason. Everything the happens to DBry from now on is his aint fault. Bray signs off wae a Maniacal Laugh, and we move on tae the next thing. The next utterly pointless thing..
Fandango vs Xavier Woods
I truly have nae idea why they bumped Xavier Woods up tae the main roster. Aw he's done so far is facilitate Tons of Funk reverting back tae being jist a coupla fat guys (only kiddin Albert..ye know I love ye mate) and he's had the occasional decent match. This is the second time he's been squashed for seemingly nae reason anaw, this time Fandango lands the top rope leg drop after less than 2 minutes and thats aw she wrote. Whits the fuckin point really? R-Truth had barely parked his arse at the commentary desk n been met wae some of the worst da patter oot by JBL, only tae be right back up again checkin tae see if his pal wis still alive.
Brad Maddox receives some jip fae Kane and sweats wae such density, he becomes a prune. Kane flicks his brand new prune intae the air, catches it in his mouth, and Stephanie McMahon tells him tae stop lollygaggin n apologise tae CM Punk. Kane is reticent at first, but then he remembers that he's recently been castrated and he does what hes told.
Oot comes Kane. Oot comes Punk. Kane apologises once. Punk gets super mega cheeky (cause hes a super mega cheeky chap) and says he didnae hear him. Kane repeats the feat, this time in a beautiful falsetto. The crowd chants ONE MORE TIME, and Punk says thats unnecessary cause he's gonnae batter Kane instead. Braddox has tae cut short a danger wank in Stephanie McMahons wardrobe tae jump oot n tell everyone tae cool it. If Punk wants a fight, he'll get it, but it won't be against Kane. It'll be against an Ass-Man.
A who?
An Ass-Man I say, he's a man of ass....
Oh!
Billy Gunn vs CM Punk
Road Dogg being on commentary wis probably the best thing about this. That's no saying it wis a bad match either btw, but I'm sorry if this makes me sound like a cynical cunt. I really uhm, its no my intention, but why in the name of fuck are The New Age Outlaws relevant again in 2014? It pains me tae say this about my all time favourite tag team, but whit the fuck is CM Punk daein wrestling a 50 year old Billy Gunn on RAW? this is aw groundwork being laid for him and Triple H serving up a probable shiter at Mania, so in my estimation that makes it a total waste of Punks valuable time. The boayzies make their way towards the announce desk where Punk and The Road Dogg get intae some verbals, only for the Ass Man (he's an Ass Man btw) tae club Punk from behind. Road Dogg sits back down and explains that the only reason he stood up was because he had a cramp in his leg. I never doubted ye for a second Roadie ma man. Billy dodges a GTS attempt, and catches Punk square on the jaw wae a dropkick. Then Punk continues in the vein of cheekiness from his Kane patter earlier, when he sends Billy Gunn oot the ring, lookin like its suicide dive time, only for Punk tae dive oot the other side instead and leather the Road Dogg. Back in the ring, Punk has his flying elbow attempt thwarted by a decidedly unruly Road Dogg, who pulls his pal oot the road. Punk brings decides the only way tae teach that Dogg a lesson is by by rubbin its nose in its ain pish, and in this case thats a metaphor for the suicide dive Punk hit him wae. Punk dodges the Fameasser when they get back intae the ring and hits a GTS. Any move that lands on Billy Gunns jaw is likely tae get the job done considering he's spent most of his audlt life chewin tobacco and selling the shite oota the Clothesline From Hell. Punk gets the pin. That's that.
Maddox comes oot tae deliver some BAAAAAD NEWSSSSSS. Only tae be interrupted by WWEs bad news delivering chief.....eh....Kane. I realise him and Kane are at loggerheids the noo, but this wis a Bad News Barrett segment aw the way. I'm gonnae pretend it wis him anyway, cause its my review and I'll dae whit I want. So aye. Big Barrett comes out and tells Punk he's the Number One entrant in the Rumble, and if he's tae win it, he'll have to last the full match, cause he's the Number One entrant so he is. Nae tea break, nae roll n pie, no even a quick inner thigh massage aff AJ. None of that. Eliminate cunts, don't get eliminated yersell. Sorted.
Berty DelNaeBelts vs Rey Mysterio
I'm really intae this wee feud. Wrestling wise anyway, its comfortably the most intae Reys work I've been since he came back, and Del Rio always hauds my interest as a wrestler. It his horrendous mic work that bothers me, and the fact that after another excellent match which was brought tae an end by the cross armbreaker from ADR, we had tae deal wae this cunt again.....
Big Show comes oot and does a really shite Paul Heyman impression. Well I seen mixed reviews for it across various social media outlets. Safe to say the people of MySpace went WILD fur it, cause the people of MySpace are a figment out our collective imaginations. I fuckin hated it tbh, and wis glad when the real Paul Heyman came oot and made it stop. The whole thing is designed for Brock Lesnar tae appear on RAW again, and not say any words, which is fine by me. Anything that isnae flinging cunts aboot and daein a weird high pitched scream, isnae somethin Brock Lesnar needs tae be daein. He kids on he's comin down for a fight, but he's pullin wur pissers! no the nights guys n gals, if ye wantae see a Giant Baby fight a man with a cinder block for a head, yer gonnae have tae see it in yer dreams. Haud on a minute but! Show finally gets Lesnar doon for a fight by coming at his faimly of all things!
"Here Brock...away hame n tell yer wife The Sable Bomb isnae even sare!" he bellows and Brock gets that wide eyed look aboot him.
"The Sable Bomb is so sare!" he whispers intae Heymans ear as Heymans lovingly strokes his back and goes "I know Brock...I know" and doon comes Brock for a scrap! a brief stramash ends with Brock being dumped over the ropes, and the big yin isnae happy in the slightest with this turn of events. So he...eh.....pulls the monitors oot fae the announce table. He then ignores Heymans pleas of "He's had enough! the desk has had enough" and leathers it wae a chair for a bit, before trying to sneak in and batter Show wae the chair after Heyman distracted him, only for Show tae block that attempt anaw. This aw seems a wee bit pointless tae ye? me tae, so imagine my surprise when General Manager of RAW Mick Foley came out and announced that the Lesnar vs Show match at the Rumble would now be a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH between Lesnar, Show and the recently assaulted Announce Table.
No really btw...Foley husnae been GM for years and 9 times out of 10, tables tend tae be shite wrestlers. Cannae believe ye actually bought that man. Whit a team of suckers. Lesnar v Show should be braw right enough. I'm just no a huge fan of the buildup cause Shows face these days makes me feel sad on the inside.
A real Bad News Barrett segment! this time its backstage and the bad news he has is fur wee AJ. Barrett tells her the reason naecunt came tae her "Longest Reigning Divas Champion Ever!" party is that naecunt likes her, cause she smells like Pears, and thats the least delightful fruit tae be smellin like. She reacts tae this news by slingin her cake at Tamina, and then she slowly eats it aff her face...I mean whit? Tamina looked angry...thats whit I meant.
AJ and Tamina vs The Funkadactyls
Too short again. Much like Woods vs Fandango, this could easily have been gid if it was given any time, but we seem tae be determined tae dedicate at least half an hour of every show tae recaps, redundant build up shite and Bawtista. Naomi pinned AJ. AJ gret. Jerry Lawler sat at ringside muttering "if only she was 10 years younger" under his breath. End of story.
YASSSSS Somethin I gie a fuck aboot for the first time since the DBry and Bray stopped talking. WHEN THEY SAY UCE...YOU BITCHES BETTER SAY OH! OR SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL THUMP YOU.
The Usos vs Harper and Rowan
As glad I was tae see this happening after about an hour and half of nothingness, its bad news when a match ye've seen about 50 times in the past 3 months gets yer boaby staunin to attention. A damning verdict on how much of a snoozer this RAW had been. Listen but, the troops gave us an entertaining wee match, we had us some flyin Usos. We had Rowan flingin cunts aboot as usual. We had Jimmy or Jey delivering some earth diddy dismantling chops tae Harper, and a cheeky wee superkick aimed at his belly tae follow. Jey or Jimmy then delivers some hella hard shots tae Harpers jaw. These are meaner Usos that we've become accustomed too, and I'm intae it. Harper starts tae return the favour, and all of a sudden the match started tae resemble the outside of a Wetherspoons after the hard drinking madness that's commonly known as "Fish Friday" Cunts were beltin each other, then Harper took JimmyorJeys jaw clean aff wae a big boot. Rowan and an Uso exchange forearms, before the Uso in question gets sent flying intae the barricade aff the top rope. Before we were treated for a wee mid match delight. Bray stauns up fae his rocking chair, finishes eating the plate of bears eyeballs he wis snackin on, n informs the crowd that the battering The Usos were receiving is a similar battering tae the one DBry was in for at the Rumble.
We're informed by Micheal Cole that the current Uso flying about is Jey, and he takes Rowan aff the apron with a stoatin superkick, before the other yin his Rowan wae some flyin Uso action. Jey tries the same thing on Harper but gets caught square on the jaw wae some ultra sareness in the form of a clenched fist. Harper looks tae be closing in on the win when he nails a Michinoku Driver but Johnny kicks oot at 2. Causing Bray to stand up n go "ehhh....whit?" and amid all the confusion Daniel Bryan runs oot and KICKS FUCK OOTAE SOME CUNTS.
POW tae the back of Brays heid. SCUD tae Rowans jaw. Back tae Bray slingin MAD RIGHTS at his temple and whilst aw the madness was happening, and Uso rolls up Harper for the win. USOS ON A ROLL BABY. I'M CAPITALISING THINGS CAUSE I'M EXCITED...SUE ME.
Randy Orton vs Kofi Kingston
This is why RAW was flat. This right here. For me the beginning and the end are the two most vital segments in making a wrestling show a success, and for this weeks RAW, ye could brainwash me fur fuckin years wae Pro Orton and Pro Batista propaganda, tae the point that the only sentences I'm capable of stringing together are "I hear voices in my head" and "I walk alone" and I STILL widnae have gied a fuck about either segment. Pile of uninspiring baws. As much as I enjoyed Kofi beating the nae eyed cunt last week, I had nae interest in seeing this shit again, unless the belts were on the line, n Kofi wis gonnae be taking them aff the cunt, so he could drop them tae Daniel Bryan, or mibbe even Antonio Cesaro at the Rumble, but we had nae belts on the line, so therefore I gied nae fucks. Not a single one. The match wis fine like. Orton done some suplexin, Kofi performed some high fliyin n backsliding, and Orton continually asked where John Cena wis. WHERE ART THOU CENA! was the cry. Kofi blocks yon middle rope DDT wae the SOS, and it looks like he's heading for another clean win but Blandy kicks oot. Much respect tae my man Mike Chioda throughout this match btw. Keeps Ortons hair pullin tae a minimum, and makes sure his chinlocks lasted no more than 25 minutes at a time.
CENA'S HERE GUYS! DONT DESPAIR, THIS PISH WONT GO ON MUCH LONGER.
Kofi clung on tae Ortons leg, like you used tae cling on tae yer maws leg when she meets her pal up the toon, and her pal caws ye a wee cheeky face. Kofi isnae being a shy kinda guy but, hes haudin his leg tae give Cena enough time tae reach the ring. THEY'RE IN CAHOOTS! oh man, never have i been more excited for a ....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
So fuck. Cena chases him through the crowd and has an AA attempt blocked. So fuck. Orton runs away. So fuck. Orton runs clean oot the building, and Cena wanders aboot asking folk if they're awrite. So fuck. Orton jumps in a motor and escapes. So fuck. Cena makes his way back through the building lookin dejected. So fuck.
So fuck.
RAW wis average. Awful opening and closing segments, with a braw 6 man tag match, and some excellent work between Daniel Bryan, aw the Wyatts and The Usos.
5.5 Superman Punches oota 10. That'll dae ye. x
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
WWE RAW Review 13/01/2014
Ye can criticise WWE for many things these days. Namely abandoning storylines too early, or just not giving good ones the conclusions they deserve, but at least they're providing a product these days that most of us give a fuck about. They're giving us top stars in Daniel Bryan and CM Punk that we can identify with, and giving us a preview of what could be a very bright future in the hands of the likes of Bray Wyatt, Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns and Antonio Cesaro. I cannae help but hold on tae some optimism that having an eyeless, sexual predator lookin muhfucka like Orton at the top of the tree is simply a temporary measure to build suspense before Daniel Bryan leads us into a new era for good. Fuck yer attitude era, and turn yer PG era sideways and stick it up yer erse, Daniel Bryan will be the man who leads us into the era of WRESTLING.
If yer thinking to yersell thats an overly positive way of looking at things, and it probably wont pan out that way...well....yer spot on. It wont pan out that way. But what are we without hope? It often falls on Daniel Bryan or CM Punk to close RAW and Smackdown, so surely that's recognition of how much interest those two guys hold with the majority of their audience, even if they aren't currently in the title picture.
Daniel Bryan is certainly involved in something intriguing right now, with his allegiance to the decidedly beardy Wyatt clan, but with the group still sitting winless since Bryan joining them, and Bray hitting more Sister Abigails on wee DBry than anycunt else in the company, all isnae quite well with the boys. They were looking tae iron out the kinks when they took on Rikishis boayz the boldest Usos in the opener this week...
Bray Wyatt and Daniel Bryan vs The Usos
After kicking fuck out Jimmy and Jey on Smackdown, Bray and DBry were looking to finish the job. I dunno whit that might entail really. Ye get the feeling that Bray is a bawhair away fae straight up eating folk at the best of times, but the early stages of the match seemed tae point towards him and DBry settling fur battering yer Usos. DBrys offence has a more brutal edge to it these days, as he kicks things off by trying his level best tae pull Jimmy or Jeys nostrils clean aff, before dropping a knee on his windpipe whilst he lay spark out on the apron. DBry keeps on wae the almost feverish offence, before Jimmy or perhaps it mighta been Jey turns roon and kicks him in the side of the heid. Solid strategy ma man, folk tend no tae like gettin kicked in the heid. In comes the other Uso for some belly kickin and Samoan Droppin, before he launches himsell erse first intae DBrys face, n then he dumped both him and Bray tae the outside, and called his brerr intae the ring so we had us some flyin Usos. Baith the boayzies go up top tae flying heidbutt some Wyatts, but Harper and Rowan get in amongst it and thats that. Usos win by DQ, and even manage tae avoid Harper and Rowans attempts tae gie them a doin afterwards, as Jimbo or the Jeyster ducks under Rowans big splash attempt int he corner, and catches DBry wae a cheeky superkick on the road oot.
So whit part of this is DBrys fault I hear ye ask? as Bray paces about the ring lookin raging. DBrys the new guy I spose and before he joined up, the Wyatts were toein everycunts baws so I suppose its only right that they at him as the man tae blame, but hes yer brother man! nae need tae keep hittin him err the napper wae Sister Abigail. Dbry offers himself up for punishment though, and big Bray duly obliges.
Damien Sandow vs John Cena
This is where folks frustrations wae WWE become more understandable right enough, cause Sandow wis given the MITB briefcase and then seemingly every effort wis made from then on tae bury the cunt. His cash in 3 months earlier on an injured Cena was one of the most emotionally charged matches on RAW in years, and even him losing made sense to me at the time. Providing that Sandow wis gonnae get a proper main event push and he would wind up taking the title off Cena cleanly.
That didnae happen though, and Sandow has since challenged unsuccesfully for the IC Belt, and tried tae cancel Christmas. This match wis a wee chance at redemption I suppose. A wee chance tae at leas thrust himself intae the limelight once again, in what wid inevitably be a losing effort. Fuckin braw match so it wis. Hate Cena for as many reasons as ye like, but if one of them is him being a shite wrestler, then ye've no got a clue. Wee armdrag takedown early on lets ye know that Jan Seenah is FUR REAL. Sandow responds by stomping aw err Cenas perfectly square hairdo in the corner, and laying some knees intae his ribs, before Cena hits back wae a wee bitta 5 knuckle shufflin. Sandow fights out of an AA attempt, and reverses it intae a move which I dont know the name of, but I'm gonnae caw it the superstar pullback dropslam, cause this is my review, n I'll dae whit the fuck I want. Cena launches Sandow 5 feet in the air and catches him wae a necbkreaker, then hits a tornado DDT. No bad for a shite wrestler. Cena gets a 2 count aff that, and seems surprised that Damien Sandow kicked ootae a fuckin tornado DDT. Of course he did ya dickpiece, he's Damien Sandow. Yer no in there wae Jamie Noble or suhin. Sandow reverses an AA attempt intae a sunset flip for a sneaky near fall. Sandow has his attempt at You're Welcome reversed intae the STF, but he valiantly gets tae the ropes, and fires right intae a crossface, a move made famous by no one in wrestling ever, certainly no one fae Canada who won a shiny belt at WM20. Cena looks like he's about tae tap out, but then I realised we were still on this planet, and that wid be impossible, so Sandow found himself on Cenas shoulders moments later and AA'd so hard ye could hear his spine go "aw fuck" on the way doon. Game, set and beautiful match.
Cena gies his da a big cuddle efter it, cause the bold yin was at a ringside, and then we cut tae break as Sandow exited the ring and and stuck his saliva coated pinky finger in Cenas da's ear. Nae need tae be a sore loser Damo, ye done gid. Its better than gettin oversized candy canes broke err yer back by Mark Henry is it no?
Brad Maddox and Kane exchange the cheekiest of verbals backstage. Brad sweats so profusely, even Kanes drawers are wringin. Kane disnae like huvin wet drawers, and he's even less pleased wae the situation when Braddox tells him of his idea tae put DBry and Bray in a cage match wae The Usos for the nights main event tae finally settle this wee rivalry, and Kane gets so amped aboot the whole thing he adds a mugfi ah pish intae the already saturated undergarment situation. Kane says that he'll be padlockin the cage door shut anaw, and Bradleys aw lit that "thats your prerogative big fella, I've got knickers tae sniff" n he scurries away tae sniff the knickers of yer maw and/or sister.
The Big Show vs Jack Swagger
Show wis in a nappy 3 weeks ago, and now hes flingin Real Americans aboot lit empty suitcases. Shoves and clotheslines galore on Swagger, followed by a big shoulder tackle, and a chokeslam and that wis that. Ye heard a sqwashin jabbers? well this wis SKWASHIN SWAGGERS. Then he grabbed Zeb by the throat, and stared lovingly intae his terrified auld eyes, before knockin him the fuck out. I think he spat in his mooth and called him a cow anaw, but I cannae be sure of that. Thats between Big Show, Zeb and the man upstairs.
Batista VT. He chats aboot stayin oot his way. If only that wis an option ya big veiny heided diddy ride.
The Shield vs Punk and The Outlaws
Didnae like this match on Smackdown tbh. The pace wis aw wrang and I didnae really buy intae it this time either, until the double cross happened. Before that we had some decent stuff, in particular a nice wee exchange between Billy Gunn and Rollins, prompting a "New Age Outlaws" chant that sounded a lot like "you cant wrestle" which isnae an insult ye could ever really aim at either of these cunts is it? After that Punk spends a gid while gettin his shit ruined by various Shield boayz, before finally seeming tae turn the tide and look towards The Outlaws for a tag, then yer Outlaws lived up tae that name and stopped bein catchphrase ridden cuddly veterans and actually turned heel. In 2014. With one jump aff the apron, the New Age Outlaws appeared tae book their auld pal Trips in a WM match wae CM Punk. Leaving Punk tae catch a second rib dislodging spear aff Reigns in the space of a fortnight tae give The Shield the win.
The Shield then proved that once again they're a team of bad bastards when they came back tae Triple Powerbomb Punk intae next Julaugust.
Reigns hit a braw flying dropkick from the floor tae the apron on Punk during the match anaw, and he landed on the apron for good measure, cause Roman Reigns is the da. You're da, ma da. Everyones da.
Tamina and AJ vs The Funkadactyls
Tamina and AJ are a pair of magnificent specimens int they? I mean its well documented that I want Tamina tae stick the heid oan me, but AJ seems tae get brawer by the week tae me. Before I got why other folk were intae it, but I wisnae really that intae it myself, but now? I dunno man. Her cutesy psychotic tendencies get me aw manners of excited. The match was decent anaw, although as usual not given enough time for any storytelling tae unfold. Tamina dumps Cameron ontae the top rope, and kicks her ribs ootae her ribs, before ragdollin her for a minute and tagging AJ in. AJ and Tamina take shots each at battering Cameron before AJ kicks Camerons temple clean oot her skull for the win. Her and big lassie Diesel then take turns tae leather poor wee Cameron, before Naomi jumps in and does yon flying arse smash on AJ and sends the two of them packing.
Randy Orton shoutin at Kane in a suit. This is yer champion of champions guys, and he's a moanin faced, nae eyed cunt. Aw it takes is a wee look at this cunt and his gormless melt tae piss aw over my probably misplaced enthusiasm for the future, cause as long as he's alive and has all 4 limbs, he'll probably be boring the shite ootae us in main events tae he's in his mid 50s. Orton wid later reveal that he thought he wis talkin tae John Lauranitis the whole time cause he's NAE FUCKIN EYES. Thats the joke there. He couldnae see who it wis, n cause it wis a tall cunt in a suit, he assumed it wis Johnny Ace. Fuckin banter n that.
The Ultimate Warrior is revealed as the next inductee intae the WWE hall of fame. If ye ask my maw about wrestling, she'd jist say the names "Hulk Hogan, Undertaker and THEEE ULTIMITT WARREEEEURRR" tae ye cause I used tae gibber on about they three cunts so much, so that tells ye aw ye need tae know about how young Martin felt about yer Ultimate Warrior. Mature Martin choses tae ingore the fact that he wisnae a very good wrestler, because he blethered some heavy drug addled sounding brawness on the mic, and he had the best entrance in the history of people entering hings. So I'm still mildly enthused aboot this, and I think you should be too. Warrior was one of the main cunts when it came to paving the way for similarly deranged cunts making a name for thersells in the business, so that makes him A-OK in my book. If cunts like Sunny and the bold Koko B.Ware are Hall of Famers, then Warrior is more than deserving.
Renee Young huvin a wee chat wae Paul Heyman backstage. Repeats that stupid fuckin "Eat, Sleep, Conquer, Repeat" patter that Brock Lesnar wears oan t-shirts these days. If you're a cunt that has bought/wid buy such a t-shirt, then yer probably ok wae racism, or charging the elderly full price fur the bus. You are whits wrang wae the world. Heyman says he isnae impressed by Show flinging Jack Swagger aboot, nor wis he impressed by him knocking Zeb Colter out, and Brock Lesnar is gonnae knock that pubey goatee clean aff his face at The Rumble.
Randy Orton vs Kofi Kingston
Ye fuckin whit? haud the bus a minute, Randy Orton done whit? nah surely no? Randy Orton fuckin.....whit? he really done? NAW! I cannae even wrap ma....awww fuck.
For the first time since Daniel Bryan officially left the title picture, Randy Orton wis a part of something on Monday Night RAW that I wisnae completely indifferent tae. Looks, tastes and smell like yer usual Orton midcard RAW match. Decent enough tae watch, but incredibly boring at the same time. Usual story for ma man Kofi. High octane stuff that almost always leads tae his shoulders pinned tae a mat for 3 seconds, BUT NOT THIS TIME! Orton knocked Kofis cunt in for the most part, but Kofi keeps kickin out. Backdrop on the barrier, superplex, DDT. Aw the usual Orton shite, but Kofi kept gettin the shoulder up. A series of chinlocks are chucked in there anaw, cause sometimes Ortons brain ceases tae function and he needs tae pit cunts in a chinlock tae it starts back up again. Orton goes for yon DDT then Kofi hits the SOS ootae naeplace for the clean win! Un-fuckin-real. KOFI KINGSTON PINNED BLANDY SNORETON CLEAN. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING. PRAISE JESUS.
If losing clean tae Kofi Midcardston didnae make him look weak enough, he hilariously shot intae a wee tantrum afterwards then decided tae batter John Cenas da at ringside. Aye ye heard me right, same hing he done 5 years ago, cept instead of puntin the poor bastard in the skull, he slung some weak lookin right hands in his general direction before being pulled away by security. Cena rushes oot and tries tae act concerned, after a brief game ah chasies wae Orton, but concerned on Cenas face looks a lot like surprised, wae shades of "I really fuckin hope Nikki isnae makin roast beef the night...stupid cow always overdoes it" I'll no get on his case too much fur being pish at acting, he clearly has bigger problems than that.
The Rhodzies vs Rybaxel
After causing a bit of a stir on the Twitter wae various pictures of his left baw wae a tash drawn on it, Ryback returned tae a place where naecunt gied a flying fuck about anything he does. The wrestling ring. This was a decent wee match right enough, mainly cause Cody and Goldy looked stronger than a strong hing. Goldy and Axel have thersells a braw wee exchange tae kick things off, wae aw the armdrags, uppercuts and atomic drops fae Goldy ye could shake a shitty stick at. Ryback gets in and asks Goldy for a wee strength test, but Goldy smacks the taste out his gub instead and tags the bold Cody in. Rywank no sells a moonsault fae Cody cause hes an arsehole. Goldy and Ryback battle it out for a bit, the highlight of that exchange wis Goldy shoutin "ITS NO EVEN SARE!" at Ryback when he had him in a particularly loose looking chinlock, before Axel and Cody both get tagged in. Springboard dropkick fae Cody is followed by a disaster kick tae Ryback on the apron. Axel tries a cheeky rollup, but Cody kicks out at 2, and reverses Axels attempt at yon shite jaunty neckbreaker thing he uses for a finish intae the CRASS RHOOOODES fur the win. Nice tae see Goldy n Cody actually win a non title match for a change eh, still cannae see them having the belts for much longer though. It fuckin HAS tae be brerr vs brerr at Mania, or I dont know whit life even is anymare.
Berty Naebelts vs Rey Mysterio
A wee VT plays before the match of Rey saying he's gonnae win the Rumble. Jist you simmer Rey ma man.
Decent wee match this. Del Rio dodges a 619 attempt early on but gets hit wae a seated senton instead. Del Rio gets tae workin on Reys wee airm, cause his finisher is the cross armbreaker and he's the ultimate master of wrasslin strategy. The high priest of logical wrasslin thinking. The man, the myth, the legend. Rey reverses an Alabama Slam attempt intae the 619, but Berty draps him baws first on the turnbuckle when he went tae drop the dime and barely a minute later, Rey wis tappin oot and singing showtunes as the band played sweet Cross Armbreakin music.
Del Rio gets on the mic and screams at Batista. BATISTA AINT HERE BRAH, CALM DOWN. God almighty, if this is gonnae be a Del Rio v Batista feud efter neither of them wins the the Rumble, I might actually jump aff a cliff. No even kiddin.
Punk tells Kane that he's no very happy aboot what turned out tae be a 5 on 1 handicap match earlier in the night, n lies the blame solely at Triple Hs door. Kane is upset that Punk interrupted his pedicure and sets Punk oan fire. Then tells him he's in the Rumble.
Bray Wyatt and Daniel Bryan vs The Usos (Steel Cage Match)
Bray gies us an indicator of how brutal this shit wis bound tae be by launching an Uso intae the cage right away. He follows that up slingshottin the same Uso intae the cage, at least I hink its the same wan, for all I know its been one really fast guy aw along, that jist appears tae be in two places at once. Until I see an Uso vs Uso showdown, I'll never been fully convinced theres two of them. Dbry lifts Jimmy or Jey on tae the cage but there isnae enough pep behind it, and Jimmy or Jey uses DBry as a springboard tae get climbin. DBry catches him and they exchange rights, before Bray finally drags the unruly Uso back intae the ring. We have us a flyin Uso, as one of them launches himself at Bray, while DBry kicks the living shite oot the other yin in the corner. The boldest Dbry tries his escape, but The Usos (or the one existing Uso depending on yer perception) hit him wae a double backdrop.
Bray sets up an Uso fur some Sister Abigail, but the other yin breaks it up wae a stoater of a superkick, and The Usos decide tae get their tandem climb on. DBry and Bray catch them, but wae a shimmy and a shake fae each Uso they're both sent flying, and The Usos jump oot the cage for their second win over The Wyatts tonight. Braw wee match, that told a story in its own right, but then the real story unfolded...
The camera pans tae Bray Wyatt who gives it yon demonic stare, as he cackles in the direction of Daniel Bryan. This time Bryans looks is not a contrite one. There isnae a hint of fear of what wis about tae come, cause with the door padlocked shut, keeping Harper and Rowan out the equation, DBry finally had what he wanted. A chance in a one-on-one environment tae scud Bray Wyatts furry jaw. Initially it looks like the same story as the past two weeks right enough, with DBry seemingly ready to surrender himself to the advances of Sister Abigail, but naw. This story would meet a very different end. As Bray gets set tae deliver Sister Abigail, Bryan pulls away at the last minute, and surveys his surroundings. A whole arena in unison chanting his name, urging him tae hear THEIR truth. That truth being that Daniel Bryan is the most over cunt in wrestling right now, perhaps all time. Bray sinks to his knees and urges Bryan tae "come ahead". DBry is reticent tae begin wae, so Bray calls him a coward and a "no good yella bellied lily livered toad" before he rushes at Dbry, only for the bold yin tae dodge him and hit oot wae some dropkicks. Multiple belly kicks followed by the roundhouse wis next on the menu, then aff comes the boiler suit and DBrys heel turn was no more. A 2 week tease that was designed solely tae infitrate The Wyatts tae get their leader one on one at some point, and it fuckin worked. Both Harper and Rowan try tae climb in n help Bray, but DBry flings Bray at them and knocks them back down tae the floor. Theres still time fur him tae deliver a flying knee tae Brays melt, knocking every single tooth clean oot his gub, before they landed perfectly in DBrys top pocket tae take hame as a souvenir of his time as a Wyatt. The YES! chants rang out long intae the night as DBry made his way tae the top of the cage tae enjoy the mother of aw the pops. This is the kinda shit Jake The Snake SHOULD have got last week. People making noise n that, as opposed tae bored weans picking their snottery beaks and askin where Broadus Clay is.
A lot of folk urnae intae this angle ending as quickly as it did, but for me aw it does is add a wee devious edge tae Bryan that hes always lacked as a face. He wis bold enough tae become a Wyatt and wait for his chance tae get Bray alone, before double crossing him and that just adds an extra wee layer tae his already rich character. Having said that, if it disnae lead tae a Royal Rumble win and subequent title win for our main man, or at least a memorable feud then WM match wae Bray, the whole thing will have been a pile of pointless shite. PUSH DBRY TAE THE FUCKIN MOON. DAE IT. DAE IT NOW.
Overall I thought it wis a right gid RAW. Sandow v Cena wis braw. Both Wyatts vs Usos matches were gid anaw, and the story both of those segments told wis braw. Wisnae a fan of Show squashin Swagger, and as much as I enjoyed Kofi beating Orton, it didnae make much sense tae me, other than giving Orton something tae be angry at John Cenas da aboot. So aye. 7 tiger suplexes oota 10. Thats another RAW in the books boaysies. How did ye rate it yersell Giant Gonzalez ma man?
If yer thinking to yersell thats an overly positive way of looking at things, and it probably wont pan out that way...well....yer spot on. It wont pan out that way. But what are we without hope? It often falls on Daniel Bryan or CM Punk to close RAW and Smackdown, so surely that's recognition of how much interest those two guys hold with the majority of their audience, even if they aren't currently in the title picture.
Daniel Bryan is certainly involved in something intriguing right now, with his allegiance to the decidedly beardy Wyatt clan, but with the group still sitting winless since Bryan joining them, and Bray hitting more Sister Abigails on wee DBry than anycunt else in the company, all isnae quite well with the boys. They were looking tae iron out the kinks when they took on Rikishis boayz the boldest Usos in the opener this week...
Bray Wyatt and Daniel Bryan vs The Usos
After kicking fuck out Jimmy and Jey on Smackdown, Bray and DBry were looking to finish the job. I dunno whit that might entail really. Ye get the feeling that Bray is a bawhair away fae straight up eating folk at the best of times, but the early stages of the match seemed tae point towards him and DBry settling fur battering yer Usos. DBrys offence has a more brutal edge to it these days, as he kicks things off by trying his level best tae pull Jimmy or Jeys nostrils clean aff, before dropping a knee on his windpipe whilst he lay spark out on the apron. DBry keeps on wae the almost feverish offence, before Jimmy or perhaps it mighta been Jey turns roon and kicks him in the side of the heid. Solid strategy ma man, folk tend no tae like gettin kicked in the heid. In comes the other Uso for some belly kickin and Samoan Droppin, before he launches himsell erse first intae DBrys face, n then he dumped both him and Bray tae the outside, and called his brerr intae the ring so we had us some flyin Usos. Baith the boayzies go up top tae flying heidbutt some Wyatts, but Harper and Rowan get in amongst it and thats that. Usos win by DQ, and even manage tae avoid Harper and Rowans attempts tae gie them a doin afterwards, as Jimbo or the Jeyster ducks under Rowans big splash attempt int he corner, and catches DBry wae a cheeky superkick on the road oot.
So whit part of this is DBrys fault I hear ye ask? as Bray paces about the ring lookin raging. DBrys the new guy I spose and before he joined up, the Wyatts were toein everycunts baws so I suppose its only right that they at him as the man tae blame, but hes yer brother man! nae need tae keep hittin him err the napper wae Sister Abigail. Dbry offers himself up for punishment though, and big Bray duly obliges.
Damien Sandow vs John Cena
This is where folks frustrations wae WWE become more understandable right enough, cause Sandow wis given the MITB briefcase and then seemingly every effort wis made from then on tae bury the cunt. His cash in 3 months earlier on an injured Cena was one of the most emotionally charged matches on RAW in years, and even him losing made sense to me at the time. Providing that Sandow wis gonnae get a proper main event push and he would wind up taking the title off Cena cleanly.
That didnae happen though, and Sandow has since challenged unsuccesfully for the IC Belt, and tried tae cancel Christmas. This match wis a wee chance at redemption I suppose. A wee chance tae at leas thrust himself intae the limelight once again, in what wid inevitably be a losing effort. Fuckin braw match so it wis. Hate Cena for as many reasons as ye like, but if one of them is him being a shite wrestler, then ye've no got a clue. Wee armdrag takedown early on lets ye know that Jan Seenah is FUR REAL. Sandow responds by stomping aw err Cenas perfectly square hairdo in the corner, and laying some knees intae his ribs, before Cena hits back wae a wee bitta 5 knuckle shufflin. Sandow fights out of an AA attempt, and reverses it intae a move which I dont know the name of, but I'm gonnae caw it the superstar pullback dropslam, cause this is my review, n I'll dae whit the fuck I want. Cena launches Sandow 5 feet in the air and catches him wae a necbkreaker, then hits a tornado DDT. No bad for a shite wrestler. Cena gets a 2 count aff that, and seems surprised that Damien Sandow kicked ootae a fuckin tornado DDT. Of course he did ya dickpiece, he's Damien Sandow. Yer no in there wae Jamie Noble or suhin. Sandow reverses an AA attempt intae a sunset flip for a sneaky near fall. Sandow has his attempt at You're Welcome reversed intae the STF, but he valiantly gets tae the ropes, and fires right intae a crossface, a move made famous by no one in wrestling ever, certainly no one fae Canada who won a shiny belt at WM20. Cena looks like he's about tae tap out, but then I realised we were still on this planet, and that wid be impossible, so Sandow found himself on Cenas shoulders moments later and AA'd so hard ye could hear his spine go "aw fuck" on the way doon. Game, set and beautiful match.
Cena gies his da a big cuddle efter it, cause the bold yin was at a ringside, and then we cut tae break as Sandow exited the ring and and stuck his saliva coated pinky finger in Cenas da's ear. Nae need tae be a sore loser Damo, ye done gid. Its better than gettin oversized candy canes broke err yer back by Mark Henry is it no?
Brad Maddox and Kane exchange the cheekiest of verbals backstage. Brad sweats so profusely, even Kanes drawers are wringin. Kane disnae like huvin wet drawers, and he's even less pleased wae the situation when Braddox tells him of his idea tae put DBry and Bray in a cage match wae The Usos for the nights main event tae finally settle this wee rivalry, and Kane gets so amped aboot the whole thing he adds a mugfi ah pish intae the already saturated undergarment situation. Kane says that he'll be padlockin the cage door shut anaw, and Bradleys aw lit that "thats your prerogative big fella, I've got knickers tae sniff" n he scurries away tae sniff the knickers of yer maw and/or sister.
The Big Show vs Jack Swagger
Show wis in a nappy 3 weeks ago, and now hes flingin Real Americans aboot lit empty suitcases. Shoves and clotheslines galore on Swagger, followed by a big shoulder tackle, and a chokeslam and that wis that. Ye heard a sqwashin jabbers? well this wis SKWASHIN SWAGGERS. Then he grabbed Zeb by the throat, and stared lovingly intae his terrified auld eyes, before knockin him the fuck out. I think he spat in his mooth and called him a cow anaw, but I cannae be sure of that. Thats between Big Show, Zeb and the man upstairs.
Batista VT. He chats aboot stayin oot his way. If only that wis an option ya big veiny heided diddy ride.
The Shield vs Punk and The Outlaws
Didnae like this match on Smackdown tbh. The pace wis aw wrang and I didnae really buy intae it this time either, until the double cross happened. Before that we had some decent stuff, in particular a nice wee exchange between Billy Gunn and Rollins, prompting a "New Age Outlaws" chant that sounded a lot like "you cant wrestle" which isnae an insult ye could ever really aim at either of these cunts is it? After that Punk spends a gid while gettin his shit ruined by various Shield boayz, before finally seeming tae turn the tide and look towards The Outlaws for a tag, then yer Outlaws lived up tae that name and stopped bein catchphrase ridden cuddly veterans and actually turned heel. In 2014. With one jump aff the apron, the New Age Outlaws appeared tae book their auld pal Trips in a WM match wae CM Punk. Leaving Punk tae catch a second rib dislodging spear aff Reigns in the space of a fortnight tae give The Shield the win.
The Shield then proved that once again they're a team of bad bastards when they came back tae Triple Powerbomb Punk intae next Julaugust.
Reigns hit a braw flying dropkick from the floor tae the apron on Punk during the match anaw, and he landed on the apron for good measure, cause Roman Reigns is the da. You're da, ma da. Everyones da.
Tamina and AJ vs The Funkadactyls
Tamina and AJ are a pair of magnificent specimens int they? I mean its well documented that I want Tamina tae stick the heid oan me, but AJ seems tae get brawer by the week tae me. Before I got why other folk were intae it, but I wisnae really that intae it myself, but now? I dunno man. Her cutesy psychotic tendencies get me aw manners of excited. The match was decent anaw, although as usual not given enough time for any storytelling tae unfold. Tamina dumps Cameron ontae the top rope, and kicks her ribs ootae her ribs, before ragdollin her for a minute and tagging AJ in. AJ and Tamina take shots each at battering Cameron before AJ kicks Camerons temple clean oot her skull for the win. Her and big lassie Diesel then take turns tae leather poor wee Cameron, before Naomi jumps in and does yon flying arse smash on AJ and sends the two of them packing.
Randy Orton shoutin at Kane in a suit. This is yer champion of champions guys, and he's a moanin faced, nae eyed cunt. Aw it takes is a wee look at this cunt and his gormless melt tae piss aw over my probably misplaced enthusiasm for the future, cause as long as he's alive and has all 4 limbs, he'll probably be boring the shite ootae us in main events tae he's in his mid 50s. Orton wid later reveal that he thought he wis talkin tae John Lauranitis the whole time cause he's NAE FUCKIN EYES. Thats the joke there. He couldnae see who it wis, n cause it wis a tall cunt in a suit, he assumed it wis Johnny Ace. Fuckin banter n that.
The Ultimate Warrior is revealed as the next inductee intae the WWE hall of fame. If ye ask my maw about wrestling, she'd jist say the names "Hulk Hogan, Undertaker and THEEE ULTIMITT WARREEEEURRR" tae ye cause I used tae gibber on about they three cunts so much, so that tells ye aw ye need tae know about how young Martin felt about yer Ultimate Warrior. Mature Martin choses tae ingore the fact that he wisnae a very good wrestler, because he blethered some heavy drug addled sounding brawness on the mic, and he had the best entrance in the history of people entering hings. So I'm still mildly enthused aboot this, and I think you should be too. Warrior was one of the main cunts when it came to paving the way for similarly deranged cunts making a name for thersells in the business, so that makes him A-OK in my book. If cunts like Sunny and the bold Koko B.Ware are Hall of Famers, then Warrior is more than deserving.
Renee Young huvin a wee chat wae Paul Heyman backstage. Repeats that stupid fuckin "Eat, Sleep, Conquer, Repeat" patter that Brock Lesnar wears oan t-shirts these days. If you're a cunt that has bought/wid buy such a t-shirt, then yer probably ok wae racism, or charging the elderly full price fur the bus. You are whits wrang wae the world. Heyman says he isnae impressed by Show flinging Jack Swagger aboot, nor wis he impressed by him knocking Zeb Colter out, and Brock Lesnar is gonnae knock that pubey goatee clean aff his face at The Rumble.
Randy Orton vs Kofi Kingston
Ye fuckin whit? haud the bus a minute, Randy Orton done whit? nah surely no? Randy Orton fuckin.....whit? he really done? NAW! I cannae even wrap ma....awww fuck.
For the first time since Daniel Bryan officially left the title picture, Randy Orton wis a part of something on Monday Night RAW that I wisnae completely indifferent tae. Looks, tastes and smell like yer usual Orton midcard RAW match. Decent enough tae watch, but incredibly boring at the same time. Usual story for ma man Kofi. High octane stuff that almost always leads tae his shoulders pinned tae a mat for 3 seconds, BUT NOT THIS TIME! Orton knocked Kofis cunt in for the most part, but Kofi keeps kickin out. Backdrop on the barrier, superplex, DDT. Aw the usual Orton shite, but Kofi kept gettin the shoulder up. A series of chinlocks are chucked in there anaw, cause sometimes Ortons brain ceases tae function and he needs tae pit cunts in a chinlock tae it starts back up again. Orton goes for yon DDT then Kofi hits the SOS ootae naeplace for the clean win! Un-fuckin-real. KOFI KINGSTON PINNED BLANDY SNORETON CLEAN. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING. PRAISE JESUS.
If losing clean tae Kofi Midcardston didnae make him look weak enough, he hilariously shot intae a wee tantrum afterwards then decided tae batter John Cenas da at ringside. Aye ye heard me right, same hing he done 5 years ago, cept instead of puntin the poor bastard in the skull, he slung some weak lookin right hands in his general direction before being pulled away by security. Cena rushes oot and tries tae act concerned, after a brief game ah chasies wae Orton, but concerned on Cenas face looks a lot like surprised, wae shades of "I really fuckin hope Nikki isnae makin roast beef the night...stupid cow always overdoes it" I'll no get on his case too much fur being pish at acting, he clearly has bigger problems than that.
The Rhodzies vs Rybaxel
After causing a bit of a stir on the Twitter wae various pictures of his left baw wae a tash drawn on it, Ryback returned tae a place where naecunt gied a flying fuck about anything he does. The wrestling ring. This was a decent wee match right enough, mainly cause Cody and Goldy looked stronger than a strong hing. Goldy and Axel have thersells a braw wee exchange tae kick things off, wae aw the armdrags, uppercuts and atomic drops fae Goldy ye could shake a shitty stick at. Ryback gets in and asks Goldy for a wee strength test, but Goldy smacks the taste out his gub instead and tags the bold Cody in. Rywank no sells a moonsault fae Cody cause hes an arsehole. Goldy and Ryback battle it out for a bit, the highlight of that exchange wis Goldy shoutin "ITS NO EVEN SARE!" at Ryback when he had him in a particularly loose looking chinlock, before Axel and Cody both get tagged in. Springboard dropkick fae Cody is followed by a disaster kick tae Ryback on the apron. Axel tries a cheeky rollup, but Cody kicks out at 2, and reverses Axels attempt at yon shite jaunty neckbreaker thing he uses for a finish intae the CRASS RHOOOODES fur the win. Nice tae see Goldy n Cody actually win a non title match for a change eh, still cannae see them having the belts for much longer though. It fuckin HAS tae be brerr vs brerr at Mania, or I dont know whit life even is anymare.
Berty Naebelts vs Rey Mysterio
A wee VT plays before the match of Rey saying he's gonnae win the Rumble. Jist you simmer Rey ma man.
Decent wee match this. Del Rio dodges a 619 attempt early on but gets hit wae a seated senton instead. Del Rio gets tae workin on Reys wee airm, cause his finisher is the cross armbreaker and he's the ultimate master of wrasslin strategy. The high priest of logical wrasslin thinking. The man, the myth, the legend. Rey reverses an Alabama Slam attempt intae the 619, but Berty draps him baws first on the turnbuckle when he went tae drop the dime and barely a minute later, Rey wis tappin oot and singing showtunes as the band played sweet Cross Armbreakin music.
Del Rio gets on the mic and screams at Batista. BATISTA AINT HERE BRAH, CALM DOWN. God almighty, if this is gonnae be a Del Rio v Batista feud efter neither of them wins the the Rumble, I might actually jump aff a cliff. No even kiddin.
Punk tells Kane that he's no very happy aboot what turned out tae be a 5 on 1 handicap match earlier in the night, n lies the blame solely at Triple Hs door. Kane is upset that Punk interrupted his pedicure and sets Punk oan fire. Then tells him he's in the Rumble.
Bray Wyatt and Daniel Bryan vs The Usos (Steel Cage Match)
Bray gies us an indicator of how brutal this shit wis bound tae be by launching an Uso intae the cage right away. He follows that up slingshottin the same Uso intae the cage, at least I hink its the same wan, for all I know its been one really fast guy aw along, that jist appears tae be in two places at once. Until I see an Uso vs Uso showdown, I'll never been fully convinced theres two of them. Dbry lifts Jimmy or Jey on tae the cage but there isnae enough pep behind it, and Jimmy or Jey uses DBry as a springboard tae get climbin. DBry catches him and they exchange rights, before Bray finally drags the unruly Uso back intae the ring. We have us a flyin Uso, as one of them launches himself at Bray, while DBry kicks the living shite oot the other yin in the corner. The boldest Dbry tries his escape, but The Usos (or the one existing Uso depending on yer perception) hit him wae a double backdrop.
Bray sets up an Uso fur some Sister Abigail, but the other yin breaks it up wae a stoater of a superkick, and The Usos decide tae get their tandem climb on. DBry and Bray catch them, but wae a shimmy and a shake fae each Uso they're both sent flying, and The Usos jump oot the cage for their second win over The Wyatts tonight. Braw wee match, that told a story in its own right, but then the real story unfolded...
The camera pans tae Bray Wyatt who gives it yon demonic stare, as he cackles in the direction of Daniel Bryan. This time Bryans looks is not a contrite one. There isnae a hint of fear of what wis about tae come, cause with the door padlocked shut, keeping Harper and Rowan out the equation, DBry finally had what he wanted. A chance in a one-on-one environment tae scud Bray Wyatts furry jaw. Initially it looks like the same story as the past two weeks right enough, with DBry seemingly ready to surrender himself to the advances of Sister Abigail, but naw. This story would meet a very different end. As Bray gets set tae deliver Sister Abigail, Bryan pulls away at the last minute, and surveys his surroundings. A whole arena in unison chanting his name, urging him tae hear THEIR truth. That truth being that Daniel Bryan is the most over cunt in wrestling right now, perhaps all time. Bray sinks to his knees and urges Bryan tae "come ahead". DBry is reticent tae begin wae, so Bray calls him a coward and a "no good yella bellied lily livered toad" before he rushes at Dbry, only for the bold yin tae dodge him and hit oot wae some dropkicks. Multiple belly kicks followed by the roundhouse wis next on the menu, then aff comes the boiler suit and DBrys heel turn was no more. A 2 week tease that was designed solely tae infitrate The Wyatts tae get their leader one on one at some point, and it fuckin worked. Both Harper and Rowan try tae climb in n help Bray, but DBry flings Bray at them and knocks them back down tae the floor. Theres still time fur him tae deliver a flying knee tae Brays melt, knocking every single tooth clean oot his gub, before they landed perfectly in DBrys top pocket tae take hame as a souvenir of his time as a Wyatt. The YES! chants rang out long intae the night as DBry made his way tae the top of the cage tae enjoy the mother of aw the pops. This is the kinda shit Jake The Snake SHOULD have got last week. People making noise n that, as opposed tae bored weans picking their snottery beaks and askin where Broadus Clay is.
A lot of folk urnae intae this angle ending as quickly as it did, but for me aw it does is add a wee devious edge tae Bryan that hes always lacked as a face. He wis bold enough tae become a Wyatt and wait for his chance tae get Bray alone, before double crossing him and that just adds an extra wee layer tae his already rich character. Having said that, if it disnae lead tae a Royal Rumble win and subequent title win for our main man, or at least a memorable feud then WM match wae Bray, the whole thing will have been a pile of pointless shite. PUSH DBRY TAE THE FUCKIN MOON. DAE IT. DAE IT NOW.
Overall I thought it wis a right gid RAW. Sandow v Cena wis braw. Both Wyatts vs Usos matches were gid anaw, and the story both of those segments told wis braw. Wisnae a fan of Show squashin Swagger, and as much as I enjoyed Kofi beating Orton, it didnae make much sense tae me, other than giving Orton something tae be angry at John Cenas da aboot. So aye. 7 tiger suplexes oota 10. Thats another RAW in the books boaysies. How did ye rate it yersell Giant Gonzalez ma man?
Monday, January 13, 2014
WWE Smackdown Review 10/01/2014
I usually enjoy Smackdown. Often it provides a higher standard of wrestling show that fits my personal tastes more than RAW, in terms of striking the balance between good wrestling, relevant promo work, and commentary which does not involve Jerry Lawler. This weeks show wasn't up to that standard, but it still provided a solid two hour show which didnt make me want to impale mysef on an upturned steak knife, so it beats Impact hands down (not that comparing the two shows is relevant in any way other than the fact that I review them both)
The Usos vs Harper and Rowan
As usual this was an excellent match between these two teams. We had us some flying Usos. We had us The Usos being thrown around like discarded luggage, and we had us a double countout after all sorts of shenanigans outside the ring. Interestingly enough there was no Bray Wyatt or Daniel Bryan at ringside, and that mystery was solved after the match when Bryan and Bray attacked The Usos, as they made their escape from an attempted attack from Rowan and Harper. Bryan hits a flying knee on Jimmy or Jey, and Bray hits Sister Abigail on Jey or Jimmy. Enjoyable match, and the finish sets up The Usos vs Bryan and DBry on RAW. A resounding "NO!" chant goes around the arena from the detractors of DBrys alliance with The Wyatts, but being the hopeful soul I am, I just hope it somehow leads to Daniel Bryan having all the belts.
Big Show on Miz TV. Miz turned heel a few weeks ago guys, do we all remember that? then he didnt. It just didnt happen. He's a nice guy now. Now and forever until his stupid painted on smile eventually cracks and his face falls off. Sorry, I don't like The Miz. Anyway, his guest is the Big Show, and he challenge Brock Lesnar to a fight. Paul Heyman, being the cheeky swine that he is, comes out and gets the crowd to pop by seemingly indicating that Brock was in building and that he would indeed be game for a fight, but its all a big tease leading to a match between Brock and Show being announced for the Rumble. Looking forward to that one. Show and Brock had a brutal rivalry for the WWE belt back in 2003, so fingers crossed they still have the same chemistry now.
Los Matadores, Rey Mysterio and Sin HuniCara vs The Real Americans and Rybaxel
Passable match, but completely pointless in terms of long term booking. Creative appears to have very little for any of these guys, unless The Real Americans are to be the next tag champs. Cesaro is unfortunately the only one of the 8 people involved who I give a shit about long term, and depressingly he may be the one they have the least amount of faith in going forward (although Los Matadores seem to have been shelved after all the build up they were given)
The wee bull his a senton off the top rope, and Rey Mysterio reverses the patriot lock from Swagger into the 619, and he drops the dime for the win. Zeb Colter is so distraught he calls up border control and demands that they "shoot first, ask questions later" but then he realised his phone doesn't dial out.
Big E Langston vs Randy Orton
This was excellent, but with Big E involved it had very little chance of being anything else. Its unhealthy how much I love that man, and his shimmering chesticles. He starts out with some strong shoulderblocks, which knock the wind, and apparantely the bravery out of Orton as he runs for cover. Most of the match is raw power moves from Langston, with Orton trying to slow it down as much as possible. A couple of backbrakers are followed by Langston driving Orton spine first into the barricades on the outside. Back in the ring Orton hits the second rope DDT, and picks up the win by driving a thumb into Big Es eye and hitting the RKO. Yet again the Champion of Champions comes out looking weak, and he also doesn't have any eyes, so surely he'll be coming up off those belts sometime soon? for the love of god please make it so.
Daniel Bryan confirms that he is most definitely a Wyatt, with a short backstage rant about smashing things, and lies. He's no Bray Wyatt when it comes to eerie, haunting mic work, but the potential for one of the most dangerous factions in WWE history is there.
Fandango vs Xavier Woods
Could have been a great match if it was given any sort of significant time, but it was ended a couple of minutes in with a rollup from Woods. Then him and R-Truth hit a double dropkick on Fandango after he attacked Woods after the bell.
CM Punk and The New Age Outlaws vs The Shield
All 3 Shield members got on the mic before the match and reminded us all that Dean Ambrose should never pass the mic. Ever. Both Rollins and Reigns are excellent wrestlers, and Reigns has improved on the mic, but neither of them project much charisma with the stick in their hands. Ambrose on the other hand is probably only second to Punk on the mic in the company (and yes, I do include Paul Heyman in that equation, Bray Wyatt is wonderful at monologues but we're yet to see him really got toe to toe with someone great on the mic to judge him properly) The match wasn't great tbh, as much as I love The Outlaws, they are obviously not the wrestlers they once were. Road Dogg did take a good 2-3 minutes of solid offence from the Shield though, before Punk got in and had an excellent exchange with Ambrose. A potential singles feud between these two has me foaming at the mouth. The match is brought to a merciful end when Billy Gunn gets in there with Reigns, and hits him with some strong right hands, then a sideslam on Rollins, before hitting a beautiful elevated suplex on Reigns for a 2 count. Punk tries a GTS on Ambrose but he fights out, so Punk decides to hit a suicide dive on Rollins instead, because he's CM Punk and he can do whatever he likes. Billy Gunn sets Ambrose up for the fameasser, but he didnt have his eyes on the legal man Roman Reigns and Billy Gunn catches an almighty spear. It actually split him in two. Top half Billy, bottom half Gunn. Roman Reigns push to the top continues.
Overall an average Smackdown, considering how good it usually is, I felt there was a lot of lag time and the standard of wrestling wasnt as high as usual, so it gets 6 neckbreakers out of 10.
The Usos vs Harper and Rowan
As usual this was an excellent match between these two teams. We had us some flying Usos. We had us The Usos being thrown around like discarded luggage, and we had us a double countout after all sorts of shenanigans outside the ring. Interestingly enough there was no Bray Wyatt or Daniel Bryan at ringside, and that mystery was solved after the match when Bryan and Bray attacked The Usos, as they made their escape from an attempted attack from Rowan and Harper. Bryan hits a flying knee on Jimmy or Jey, and Bray hits Sister Abigail on Jey or Jimmy. Enjoyable match, and the finish sets up The Usos vs Bryan and DBry on RAW. A resounding "NO!" chant goes around the arena from the detractors of DBrys alliance with The Wyatts, but being the hopeful soul I am, I just hope it somehow leads to Daniel Bryan having all the belts.
Big Show on Miz TV. Miz turned heel a few weeks ago guys, do we all remember that? then he didnt. It just didnt happen. He's a nice guy now. Now and forever until his stupid painted on smile eventually cracks and his face falls off. Sorry, I don't like The Miz. Anyway, his guest is the Big Show, and he challenge Brock Lesnar to a fight. Paul Heyman, being the cheeky swine that he is, comes out and gets the crowd to pop by seemingly indicating that Brock was in building and that he would indeed be game for a fight, but its all a big tease leading to a match between Brock and Show being announced for the Rumble. Looking forward to that one. Show and Brock had a brutal rivalry for the WWE belt back in 2003, so fingers crossed they still have the same chemistry now.
Los Matadores, Rey Mysterio and Sin HuniCara vs The Real Americans and Rybaxel
Passable match, but completely pointless in terms of long term booking. Creative appears to have very little for any of these guys, unless The Real Americans are to be the next tag champs. Cesaro is unfortunately the only one of the 8 people involved who I give a shit about long term, and depressingly he may be the one they have the least amount of faith in going forward (although Los Matadores seem to have been shelved after all the build up they were given)
The wee bull his a senton off the top rope, and Rey Mysterio reverses the patriot lock from Swagger into the 619, and he drops the dime for the win. Zeb Colter is so distraught he calls up border control and demands that they "shoot first, ask questions later" but then he realised his phone doesn't dial out.
Big E Langston vs Randy Orton
This was excellent, but with Big E involved it had very little chance of being anything else. Its unhealthy how much I love that man, and his shimmering chesticles. He starts out with some strong shoulderblocks, which knock the wind, and apparantely the bravery out of Orton as he runs for cover. Most of the match is raw power moves from Langston, with Orton trying to slow it down as much as possible. A couple of backbrakers are followed by Langston driving Orton spine first into the barricades on the outside. Back in the ring Orton hits the second rope DDT, and picks up the win by driving a thumb into Big Es eye and hitting the RKO. Yet again the Champion of Champions comes out looking weak, and he also doesn't have any eyes, so surely he'll be coming up off those belts sometime soon? for the love of god please make it so.
Daniel Bryan confirms that he is most definitely a Wyatt, with a short backstage rant about smashing things, and lies. He's no Bray Wyatt when it comes to eerie, haunting mic work, but the potential for one of the most dangerous factions in WWE history is there.
Fandango vs Xavier Woods
Could have been a great match if it was given any sort of significant time, but it was ended a couple of minutes in with a rollup from Woods. Then him and R-Truth hit a double dropkick on Fandango after he attacked Woods after the bell.
CM Punk and The New Age Outlaws vs The Shield
All 3 Shield members got on the mic before the match and reminded us all that Dean Ambrose should never pass the mic. Ever. Both Rollins and Reigns are excellent wrestlers, and Reigns has improved on the mic, but neither of them project much charisma with the stick in their hands. Ambrose on the other hand is probably only second to Punk on the mic in the company (and yes, I do include Paul Heyman in that equation, Bray Wyatt is wonderful at monologues but we're yet to see him really got toe to toe with someone great on the mic to judge him properly) The match wasn't great tbh, as much as I love The Outlaws, they are obviously not the wrestlers they once were. Road Dogg did take a good 2-3 minutes of solid offence from the Shield though, before Punk got in and had an excellent exchange with Ambrose. A potential singles feud between these two has me foaming at the mouth. The match is brought to a merciful end when Billy Gunn gets in there with Reigns, and hits him with some strong right hands, then a sideslam on Rollins, before hitting a beautiful elevated suplex on Reigns for a 2 count. Punk tries a GTS on Ambrose but he fights out, so Punk decides to hit a suicide dive on Rollins instead, because he's CM Punk and he can do whatever he likes. Billy Gunn sets Ambrose up for the fameasser, but he didnt have his eyes on the legal man Roman Reigns and Billy Gunn catches an almighty spear. It actually split him in two. Top half Billy, bottom half Gunn. Roman Reigns push to the top continues.
Overall an average Smackdown, considering how good it usually is, I felt there was a lot of lag time and the standard of wrestling wasnt as high as usual, so it gets 6 neckbreakers out of 10.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
TNA Impact Review 09/01/2014
So I haven't reviewed Impact in a while, and there are many reasons for this. Namely the preservation of my sanity, but also personal shit. So please excuse my lack of knowledge regarding what in the name of Christ is going on, if its related to anything in the past 4 weeks, I wont have a clue (besides Magnus winning the belt) I do plan on catching up on what I missed, because apparently I hate myself, but I wont be catching u today so I will press on with the review, blissfully unaware. Hoping that somehow Impact has broken out of this funk of looking, smelling and feeling like a bad reality show which occasionally puts on wrestling matches. I expect disappointment though. Infact no...I CRAVE disappointment.
Go away. Stop talking. Shut up. No. Thats what continually plays in my head when Dixie Carter says words. She's offering AJ Styles a one night only contract to face Magnus for the TNA Title. AJ still has his title see, and Magnus has one now, so they cant both have them! that would be silly. The match will be No DQ. Dixie Carter has to go away. For the love of god...go away.
AJ gets on the mic too, and as much as I like AJ in the ring, his words fill me with sadness. I believe none of it. The belt has never meant more than when AJ defended it in other promotions seemingly. Who cares? really. Magnus comes out to say words next. I feel its important to remind people that Magnus' accent doesn't exist. He made it up. It belongs to no region in any known world. Magnus wants AJ to know that he wont be calling him a paper champion anymore. This is the worst thing I've ever seen. Probably not, but it feels like it right now. Awful dialogue, poorly delivered, by charicatures masquerading as wrestlers.
The Bro-Mans vs Joseph Park
Was supposed to be a tag match, but Eric Young had to go backstage to help ODB, who was on the receiving end of a beating from Lei'D Tapa and Gail Kim. I thought Abyss was back? why is he JoPo again? Either way, this was exactly what you'd expect. Bro-Mans start strong, JoPo rallies, Bro-Mans win eventually. Then they slam JoPo on a guardrail. I'm not sure if anything in the last 4 weeks has led to this heinous attack, but I do know that it hurts how much I didn't care..
Samoa Joe warns Dixie Carter that she better not be planning any shenanigans for the Title match later, or he's going to make her nephew bleed. I suggest Dixie notifies local authorities about this threat. Sounds serious. Family first. Then safety. Then teamwork.
Gunner and James Storm exchanging promos in the ring. Why don't they just wrestle? its not like either of them are great on the mic. Storm is ok, occasionally hilarious, but Gunner is nothing. A non entity. He does have a good beard though. Oh and apparently Storm thinks the main thing that splits tag teams up is the World Title. The first thing that should have split these two up is having no in ring chemistry whatsoever. Gunner accepts a match with Storm for his briefcase which contains a World Title shot for...some reason.
EC3 vs Samoa Joe
Here's a positive change from the past few weeks I haven't seen, EC3 appears to be taking on real wrestlers! and they don't come much more legit than Samoa Joe. The match does start with EC3 attacking Joe in the back though, before Joe throws some rights in his direction and all of a sudden we're in the ring and a match has begun. This is the nephew of Dixies that Joe was referring to earlier btw, incase anyone hasn't connected those dots. EC3 is an excellent worker, and the character isn't the worst thing about TNA right now, I just hated the weeks of jobber squashing, and occasional referee pinning. This was a proper wrestling match. A dazzling array of kicks and chops for Joe, are followed by valiant attempts from EC3 to take the big man off his feet.....and then, like all good things TNA do these days, it all came to a shuddering halt. Rockstar Spud emerges and grabs Joes leg, Joe goes after him and EC3 cracks Joe with a wrench. Game over.
Angle tries to justify issuing an open steel cage challenge a week before what he calls "the biggest match of his career" in the steel cage against Roode. "what better way to prepare than with a steel cage match tonight?" he ponders. I dunno mate, try rest. Try getting a right good stretch on. Try absolutely anything that isnt a steel cage match which could potentially injure/main you. An open challenge too. Imagine if Godzilla answered it? or Iron Man? exactly.
Sting finds Gunner and James knocked out backstage and immediately shouts at Dixie Carter, who happens to be standing around 20 odd feet away. He accused her of trying to take out AJs potential allies. Dixie tells him to step his bellyachin and get ready for his match. Sting is like "you're not very nice!" and she's like "I know"
Kurt Angle vs Bad Influence (Steel Cage Match)
Roode comes out to open the challenge, but he's only there to bring out his pals Bad Influence. Handicap cage match! what a brilliant idea. So one could have Angle in a chinlock and the other could just step out the door eh? game over. These things never quite pan out the obvious way though do they? The match starts with Bad Influence driving Angle into the cage, and generally doing a number on his jaw with various moves. Angle manages a near fall on Daniels, before turning round and catching a lariat from Kaz. Then a sequence occurred which reminded you why Angle is still one of the best. A flurry of clotheslines on Daniels and Kaz, followed by a belly to belly on Kaz, then 2 German Suplexes on Daniels, before ducking a clothesline from Kaz and hitting him with a German. Then another Belly to Belly on Daniels, and a final German on Kaz. All of this felt like it happened in about 15 seconds. Unreal from Angle. He follows that up with a German Suplex throw on Kaz as he tries to climb out of the cage, which sent him flying into his tag partner. One Angle Slam on Kaz later and its all done. This was actually a little better than I thought it would be, although aside from a couple of spots, there wasn't much of a need for it to be in the case. Bit of a squash on Bad Influence too, as Angle disposed of the best tag team in the company with relative ease. It was good wrestling wise though, and at this stage, thats all I ask of TNA. Give me some decent wrestling and help keep the last remnants of my sanity alive.
Bobby Roode vs Sting (Steel Cage Match)
Excellent match. Why it was happening was really beyond me though. Dixie wants Sting taken out of the equation for the World Title match, but considering pretty much all of AJs other allies have been taken out (and bizarrely Kurt Angle had been rushed to the airport by Al Snow, for no reason whatsoever) I doubt Sting would be able to stop whatever plans she had in place on his own. Match was good though. Some shoulderblocks start us off, and a hiptoss from Sting, before the Stinger Splash is blocked by a big boot from Roode. He then hits a suplex and decides to just open the cage door and walk out. Sound strategy really, it takes 5 second to open a door and walk out, but he's caught by Sting. Spinebuster from Roode is followed by an attempt to climb out of the cage this time, but Sting catches him aagin and sends him head first into the case a couple of times. Stinger splash connects, but the attempt to finish the job with the Scorpion Deathlock is blocked with an eyerake. He has no such luck blocking the Scorpion Deathdrop though, and this time the attempt at thr Scorpion Deathlock is a success. Looks like game over for Roode, before TNA done that thing again, where you're enjoying something that goes on in their show and they shit all over it. EC3 and Spud come down, EC3 climbs the cage to distract the ref and Sting, whilst Spud throws a baton through one of the holes cut out of the cage for camera angles. Roode nails Sting with the baton, and walks out the cage.
I dont know if this is supposed to be hilarious, I truly don't, but it was by far and away my favourite part of the show. A segment between Bully Ray and Ken Anderson in the same church that Ken and his buddies held the "wake" for the Aces and Eights. Bully sits in the back of the church as Ken enters and Ken states that he can see Bully, confirming that he does in fact have eyes. They go on the exchange dialogue which involved Bully telling Ken that his loneliness will devour Anderson or something, and that he would set the whole world on fire if he came any closer (he had a lighter and lighter fluid in his hands, although it has to be a match right? if you set lighter fluid on fire with a lighter, you'd have to be close enough to it that it would burn you a bit too surely? maybe TNA are endorsing these lighters, who knows) and he finishes off by saying its ironic that they'll have a match at Genesis which means beginning, when Anderson will meet his end. Oh and he tells him he left something for Anderson in the coffin (the same one from weeks ago it would seem, so apparantely this church was built and maintainted solely for that one ceremony) and Anderson looks in to see....A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH. Anderson picks it up, looks towards Bully who seems to have VANISHED, and he eats the sandwich in a ponderous fashion. What is this thing we call life? he ponders aloud. What is it indeed Kenny my man. What is it indeed.
Magnus vs AJ Styles (TNA Title Match)
On paper I was looking forward to the match. As much as Magnus repulses me on the mic, he's turned himself into an excellent wrestler over the past few years, and AJs in ring ability has never been in question. Its a shame this was turned into an almighty mess. Magnus is reluctant to get things going, then EC3 and Spud came down because apparently their mission statement for tonights Impact is to ruin it all. By "it all" I don't mean this episode of Impact, I mean life in general. AJ catches some right hands from Spud while on his knees (bringing him to around Spuds height) before Sting runs in and lays them both out. This means AJ and Magnus can wrestle for a while! praise the lord. AJ kicks Magnus a bit, until he tumbles out of the ring and then THE BRO MANS and DJ ZEMA emerged, and I just dont know anymore. I really wanted to swear there, because this is f*****g ridiculous. (wait...does that count as swearing? I meant funneling ;) ) They could have at least had Magnus and AJ work a decent 10 minute match before all the run-ins, but this was nothing more than an idiotic stramash of bodies. The Bro Mans take sting out, before attacking AJ while EC3 and Spud take care of Sting BUT STING CLUNKS THEIR HEADS TOGETHER! and rushed back into the ring to help AJ. Despite Magnus having taken next to no offence, and everyone having a shot at AJ, AJ still looks like he's about to hit the Styles Clash but Bad Influence break that up, so for anyone struggling to keep count, that makes it 8 on 2. Earl Hebners decides he's had enough and refuses to be a part of it, so Dixie drags out his son Brian and STOP THIS NOW, PLEASE JUST HAVE WRESTLING MATCHES...sorry, had to get that out before it consumed me. Brian is on the receiving end of some serious pointing and talking from Bad Influence, before somehow AJ and Sting manage to bet the better of all 8 guys. Brian Hebner is taken out, and Earl returns. Just to recap, this was supposed to be a wrestling match between AJ Styles and Magnus. A wrestling match between 2 men has become a conveyor belt of choas.
Roode is the last run-in and he lays AJ out with a lot of firemans carry neckbreakers. Magnus pins him. Thankfully that was it. No more nonsense. No more pain. Until next week anyway.
Overall, both cage matches were passable wrestling wise, and the rest of an almighty mess. So I give Impact 3 atomic drops out of 10 this week, and now I'm going to have a long, and reflective lie down.
Go away. Stop talking. Shut up. No. Thats what continually plays in my head when Dixie Carter says words. She's offering AJ Styles a one night only contract to face Magnus for the TNA Title. AJ still has his title see, and Magnus has one now, so they cant both have them! that would be silly. The match will be No DQ. Dixie Carter has to go away. For the love of god...go away.
AJ gets on the mic too, and as much as I like AJ in the ring, his words fill me with sadness. I believe none of it. The belt has never meant more than when AJ defended it in other promotions seemingly. Who cares? really. Magnus comes out to say words next. I feel its important to remind people that Magnus' accent doesn't exist. He made it up. It belongs to no region in any known world. Magnus wants AJ to know that he wont be calling him a paper champion anymore. This is the worst thing I've ever seen. Probably not, but it feels like it right now. Awful dialogue, poorly delivered, by charicatures masquerading as wrestlers.
The Bro-Mans vs Joseph Park
Was supposed to be a tag match, but Eric Young had to go backstage to help ODB, who was on the receiving end of a beating from Lei'D Tapa and Gail Kim. I thought Abyss was back? why is he JoPo again? Either way, this was exactly what you'd expect. Bro-Mans start strong, JoPo rallies, Bro-Mans win eventually. Then they slam JoPo on a guardrail. I'm not sure if anything in the last 4 weeks has led to this heinous attack, but I do know that it hurts how much I didn't care..
Samoa Joe warns Dixie Carter that she better not be planning any shenanigans for the Title match later, or he's going to make her nephew bleed. I suggest Dixie notifies local authorities about this threat. Sounds serious. Family first. Then safety. Then teamwork.
Gunner and James Storm exchanging promos in the ring. Why don't they just wrestle? its not like either of them are great on the mic. Storm is ok, occasionally hilarious, but Gunner is nothing. A non entity. He does have a good beard though. Oh and apparently Storm thinks the main thing that splits tag teams up is the World Title. The first thing that should have split these two up is having no in ring chemistry whatsoever. Gunner accepts a match with Storm for his briefcase which contains a World Title shot for...some reason.
EC3 vs Samoa Joe
Here's a positive change from the past few weeks I haven't seen, EC3 appears to be taking on real wrestlers! and they don't come much more legit than Samoa Joe. The match does start with EC3 attacking Joe in the back though, before Joe throws some rights in his direction and all of a sudden we're in the ring and a match has begun. This is the nephew of Dixies that Joe was referring to earlier btw, incase anyone hasn't connected those dots. EC3 is an excellent worker, and the character isn't the worst thing about TNA right now, I just hated the weeks of jobber squashing, and occasional referee pinning. This was a proper wrestling match. A dazzling array of kicks and chops for Joe, are followed by valiant attempts from EC3 to take the big man off his feet.....and then, like all good things TNA do these days, it all came to a shuddering halt. Rockstar Spud emerges and grabs Joes leg, Joe goes after him and EC3 cracks Joe with a wrench. Game over.
Angle tries to justify issuing an open steel cage challenge a week before what he calls "the biggest match of his career" in the steel cage against Roode. "what better way to prepare than with a steel cage match tonight?" he ponders. I dunno mate, try rest. Try getting a right good stretch on. Try absolutely anything that isnt a steel cage match which could potentially injure/main you. An open challenge too. Imagine if Godzilla answered it? or Iron Man? exactly.
Sting finds Gunner and James knocked out backstage and immediately shouts at Dixie Carter, who happens to be standing around 20 odd feet away. He accused her of trying to take out AJs potential allies. Dixie tells him to step his bellyachin and get ready for his match. Sting is like "you're not very nice!" and she's like "I know"
Kurt Angle vs Bad Influence (Steel Cage Match)
Roode comes out to open the challenge, but he's only there to bring out his pals Bad Influence. Handicap cage match! what a brilliant idea. So one could have Angle in a chinlock and the other could just step out the door eh? game over. These things never quite pan out the obvious way though do they? The match starts with Bad Influence driving Angle into the cage, and generally doing a number on his jaw with various moves. Angle manages a near fall on Daniels, before turning round and catching a lariat from Kaz. Then a sequence occurred which reminded you why Angle is still one of the best. A flurry of clotheslines on Daniels and Kaz, followed by a belly to belly on Kaz, then 2 German Suplexes on Daniels, before ducking a clothesline from Kaz and hitting him with a German. Then another Belly to Belly on Daniels, and a final German on Kaz. All of this felt like it happened in about 15 seconds. Unreal from Angle. He follows that up with a German Suplex throw on Kaz as he tries to climb out of the cage, which sent him flying into his tag partner. One Angle Slam on Kaz later and its all done. This was actually a little better than I thought it would be, although aside from a couple of spots, there wasn't much of a need for it to be in the case. Bit of a squash on Bad Influence too, as Angle disposed of the best tag team in the company with relative ease. It was good wrestling wise though, and at this stage, thats all I ask of TNA. Give me some decent wrestling and help keep the last remnants of my sanity alive.
Bobby Roode vs Sting (Steel Cage Match)
Excellent match. Why it was happening was really beyond me though. Dixie wants Sting taken out of the equation for the World Title match, but considering pretty much all of AJs other allies have been taken out (and bizarrely Kurt Angle had been rushed to the airport by Al Snow, for no reason whatsoever) I doubt Sting would be able to stop whatever plans she had in place on his own. Match was good though. Some shoulderblocks start us off, and a hiptoss from Sting, before the Stinger Splash is blocked by a big boot from Roode. He then hits a suplex and decides to just open the cage door and walk out. Sound strategy really, it takes 5 second to open a door and walk out, but he's caught by Sting. Spinebuster from Roode is followed by an attempt to climb out of the cage this time, but Sting catches him aagin and sends him head first into the case a couple of times. Stinger splash connects, but the attempt to finish the job with the Scorpion Deathlock is blocked with an eyerake. He has no such luck blocking the Scorpion Deathdrop though, and this time the attempt at thr Scorpion Deathlock is a success. Looks like game over for Roode, before TNA done that thing again, where you're enjoying something that goes on in their show and they shit all over it. EC3 and Spud come down, EC3 climbs the cage to distract the ref and Sting, whilst Spud throws a baton through one of the holes cut out of the cage for camera angles. Roode nails Sting with the baton, and walks out the cage.
I dont know if this is supposed to be hilarious, I truly don't, but it was by far and away my favourite part of the show. A segment between Bully Ray and Ken Anderson in the same church that Ken and his buddies held the "wake" for the Aces and Eights. Bully sits in the back of the church as Ken enters and Ken states that he can see Bully, confirming that he does in fact have eyes. They go on the exchange dialogue which involved Bully telling Ken that his loneliness will devour Anderson or something, and that he would set the whole world on fire if he came any closer (he had a lighter and lighter fluid in his hands, although it has to be a match right? if you set lighter fluid on fire with a lighter, you'd have to be close enough to it that it would burn you a bit too surely? maybe TNA are endorsing these lighters, who knows) and he finishes off by saying its ironic that they'll have a match at Genesis which means beginning, when Anderson will meet his end. Oh and he tells him he left something for Anderson in the coffin (the same one from weeks ago it would seem, so apparantely this church was built and maintainted solely for that one ceremony) and Anderson looks in to see....A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH. Anderson picks it up, looks towards Bully who seems to have VANISHED, and he eats the sandwich in a ponderous fashion. What is this thing we call life? he ponders aloud. What is it indeed Kenny my man. What is it indeed.
Magnus vs AJ Styles (TNA Title Match)
On paper I was looking forward to the match. As much as Magnus repulses me on the mic, he's turned himself into an excellent wrestler over the past few years, and AJs in ring ability has never been in question. Its a shame this was turned into an almighty mess. Magnus is reluctant to get things going, then EC3 and Spud came down because apparently their mission statement for tonights Impact is to ruin it all. By "it all" I don't mean this episode of Impact, I mean life in general. AJ catches some right hands from Spud while on his knees (bringing him to around Spuds height) before Sting runs in and lays them both out. This means AJ and Magnus can wrestle for a while! praise the lord. AJ kicks Magnus a bit, until he tumbles out of the ring and then THE BRO MANS and DJ ZEMA emerged, and I just dont know anymore. I really wanted to swear there, because this is f*****g ridiculous. (wait...does that count as swearing? I meant funneling ;) ) They could have at least had Magnus and AJ work a decent 10 minute match before all the run-ins, but this was nothing more than an idiotic stramash of bodies. The Bro Mans take sting out, before attacking AJ while EC3 and Spud take care of Sting BUT STING CLUNKS THEIR HEADS TOGETHER! and rushed back into the ring to help AJ. Despite Magnus having taken next to no offence, and everyone having a shot at AJ, AJ still looks like he's about to hit the Styles Clash but Bad Influence break that up, so for anyone struggling to keep count, that makes it 8 on 2. Earl Hebners decides he's had enough and refuses to be a part of it, so Dixie drags out his son Brian and STOP THIS NOW, PLEASE JUST HAVE WRESTLING MATCHES...sorry, had to get that out before it consumed me. Brian is on the receiving end of some serious pointing and talking from Bad Influence, before somehow AJ and Sting manage to bet the better of all 8 guys. Brian Hebner is taken out, and Earl returns. Just to recap, this was supposed to be a wrestling match between AJ Styles and Magnus. A wrestling match between 2 men has become a conveyor belt of choas.
Roode is the last run-in and he lays AJ out with a lot of firemans carry neckbreakers. Magnus pins him. Thankfully that was it. No more nonsense. No more pain. Until next week anyway.
Overall, both cage matches were passable wrestling wise, and the rest of an almighty mess. So I give Impact 3 atomic drops out of 10 this week, and now I'm going to have a long, and reflective lie down.
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